XXX Marks The Plot

SPIDER-MAN XXX: A PARODY

2012-02-12T07:46:00.000-08:00

Spider-Man XXX: A Parody starring Xander Corvus, Sarah Shevon, Tyler Knight, Tara Lynn Foxx, Dick Delaware, Capri Anderson, Ash Hollywood, Seth Dickens, Brooklyn Lee
Non-sex roles: Lily LaBeau, Blyth Hess, Rob Black, Peter O’Tool, James Bartholet, William Bibbiani (of Geekscape), Michael Vegas, Shylar Cobi and directed by Axel Braun

The Plot: Spider-Man vs. Electro

: I really liked Xander Corvus as the titular character in Spider-Man XXX . I thought he made a better Spider-Man than Tobey McGuire. More great casting in Spider-Man XXX was Capri Anderson as Mary Jane, Rob Black as Jonah Jameson and Peter O'Tool as The Kingpin. Casting correctly always helps a film, but the cast also has to be able to act and there's not a weak actor in the bunch (although Peter O'Tool did falter briefly in one of his scenes). Kudos to Xander Corvus who did an outstanding job of acting, not only as Peter Parker, but also when costumed as Spider-Man.

I found it interesting Spider-Man XXX seemed to be picking up the story line between the first and second Spider-Man movies, since Peter Parker attends the funeral of Norman Osborn (The Green Goblin) and Doctor Octavious (Doc Ock) shows up at the very end of this film (a nod to Spider-Man 2). This allowed Axel Braun to create his own arc in the world of the Marvel Universe. Braun appears he may have his eye on creating more smash-ups of porn/Marvel, since the movie makes note of The Avengers, Black Widow (Hawk-eye's girlfriend) and Captain America.

There were a few minor problems with Spider-Man XXX: The special effects are pretty good in the movie with the exception of Spider-Man flying from building to building - which looked like something taken from an older video game; Tyler Knight was fine in his role, but unfortunately someone decided to spray a light top layer of gray on his hair and it just made him look odd; and several scenes in the movie had background music which overpowered the dialogue. The main flaw with Spider-Man XXX was the LONG sex scenes breaking up the flow of the narrative. The movie runs approximately 100 minutes with 80 minutes given over to sex scenes and 20 minutes to the plot. Even a 50/50 split between sex and story would have elevated Spider-Man XXX to a classic XXX parody. With the few minor flaws mentioned above, I'm still grading Spider-Man XXX an A- and it deserves that grade, if for nothing else, the porn version of the famous upside down kiss between Spidey and Mary Jane....which of course plays out a little different in Spider-Man XXX.

BLIND DATE

2012-02-04T18:50:00.000-08:00

Blind Date starring Kaylani Lei, Kris Slater, Randy Spears, Alektra Blue, Stormy Daniels, Barrett Blade, Briana Blair, Brynn Tyler, Brendon Miller, Alexa Nicole and directed by Stormy Daniels (who also makes a non-sex cameo in the movie).

The Plot: To insure a promotion at work Kris Slater agrees to a blind date with the boss's daughter, Kaylani Lei. Neither Kris or Kaylani are very excited about the date, since they both have just ended bad relationships. They really hit it off and things are going great...until their exes show up to make the blind date turn into one disaster after another.

: Stormy has become a pretty reliable director/writer with her romantic comedies like Sleeping Around and her action comedies like Operation: Tropical Stormy. Blind Date continues in that vein and has a good opening sequence to hook you in to the storyline: Kaylani is dancing on top of a car while an apartment burns in the background, Blind Date then flashes back 36 hours to see how things got to this point.

Of course it doesn't hurt to have a great cast. The leads, Kaylani Lei and Kris Slater, both do an excellent job of carrying the movie. But it's the supporting cast who really shine in Blind Date. Barrett Blade, who has become adept at comedy is pretty darn good in the film, but comes in second to Brendon Miller, Kaylani's ex. Brendon gets some of the best lines in Blind Date and really goes all out with his character. If you don't have some laugh out loud moments with Brendon in this movie, better check for your sense of humor because you have definitely lost it. I should mention that I never could buy Randy Spears as a "redneck". It was so out of character for him I could only think I was just seeing Randy Spears trying (and failing) to act like a redneck during his scenes (and let me tell you...I know redneck....being as I am one!).

The main drawback to Blind Date is something I have found with all of Stormy's directed films....the sex scenes never generate any on-screen heat between the performers. This falls to one of two reasons I can think of....either Stormy doesn't know how to direct a sex scene (highly doubtful considering the amount of sex scenes she has appeared in over her career) OR my guess is she has been in so many sex scenes that her interest lies more in the storyline than the sex scenes. Even though here at XXX Marks The Plot I am more interested in the storyline than the sex scenes, I still want to have decent sex scenes in the films I'm watching....after all, we are talking porn here! I'm rating Blind Date a solid B.

OFFICIAL FRIDAY The 13th PARODY

2012-01-28T19:08:00.001-08:00

Official Friday The 13th Parody starring Asa Akira, Brooke Lee Adams, Brooklyn Lee, Courtney Cummz, Kagney Linn Karter, Sara Sloane, Carlo Carrera, Kris Slater, Mark Wood, Mr Pete, Rocco Reed, with a non sex appearance by Tabitha Stevens (Mrs Orona) and directed by Gary Orona

The Plot: Kris Slater inherits Crystal Lake Nudist Camp from his grandmother. The new staff arrives on Friday The 13th to prepare for the re-opening.

: I enjoyed Official Friday The 13th Parody the first time I watched it, but after watching it a second time and skipping the sex scenes I realized it was a much better piece of movie making than I had realized on my initial viewing. Gary Orona had previously directed late night cable fare like The Erotic Traveler and Hotel Erotica and mainstream movies like The Bikini Carwash Company II plus a slew of music videos. Official Friday The 13th Parody was one of his first forays into the world of XXX features and it proves a point I often try to make, the director of a XXX feature is the most important element in porn features. Orona, armed with years of experience with his mainstream/soft core fare, shows a deft hand with camera shots and a knowledge of how to create suspense with music, not to mention knowing how to make a coherent plot that works from start to finish.

I only had only a few minor quibbles with Official Friday The 13th Parody: One was an inconsistency in the storyline. We're told the killer has flesh eating jism, but in one scene an arrow through the neck is used as the death device, similar to what you would have seen in the original theatrical movie. Are we to assume there are two killers? or was this just a gaffe in the storyline? Also, I found some the female co-stars in the film to be lacking in their acting ability with their talents lying more in their sexual performances. One final note about something I found sort of odd with the movie was a sequence setting up a sex scene. The trio in this scene were going to play strip Monopoly, however, the two women in the scene had been topless from the start of the movie.

I'm not going to harp on about the sex scenes being too long, but it was evident after my second viewing that they had been long enough to hurt the flow of the film. On the plus side, the sex scenes were all done in a fashion which kept them interesting and, for the most part, generated some heat on screen. Too bad they couldn't have been a little shorter and more integrated into the plot. If they had, this would have been a really great XXX feature. As it stands, I'm grading it a B+, still a decent grade and well worth watching.

NURSE MONIQUE

2012-01-13T14:24:00.001-08:00

Nurse Monique starring Monique Alexander, Jenna Presley, Chris Cannon, Nick Manning, Lexi Love, Justin Magnum, Katarina Kat and directed by Chuck Lords (Paul Thomas)

The Plot: Monique is a small town girl who fantasizes about porn star Dr. Dick (Nick Manning). Her drug dealing husband (Chris Cannon) hates it when Monique watches Dr. Dick movies. When Monique witnesses her husband being killed she flips out and takes off for "Porno Land" in order to find Dr. Dick....but her husband's killers are right behind her.

: Nurse Monique is a movie that is better than it has a right to be. There are several things which are just plain bad, but there's just enough right with the movie to make it an enjoyable viewing. Most of the bad elements center around occurrences which only happen in the world of porn.

Probably, the worst problem with Nurse Monique is some/most of the sex scenes are "forced" into the plot (Hey, I know it's porn, but some logic still needs to apply). The stupidest one being when Chris Cannon has been kidnapped by a pair of mobster enforcers (Katarina Kat and Justin Magnum). Cannon takes them back to his house where he waits patiently in the bedroom while Katarina and Justin have sex in the living room. Katarina then comes into the bedroom, has sex with him and then kills him by ??? ......I won't spoil that part of the plot. Speaking of Katarina Kat her accent changes from scene to scene and sometimes within the same scene. Last, but certainly not the least thing that is wrong with Nurse Monique, is when the "fourth wall" is broken at the end of the film. It's out of place and nowhere near as clever as the director probably thought it was....then again this ain't Shakespeare we're dealing with here.

Moving on to the good elements in Nurse Monique: Justin Magnum as one of the kidnappers does an accent which makes him sound like Borat. It was such a stupid choice that it was funny to me. Next, Paul Thomas did something in Nurse Monique that I haven't seen in modern XXX features - During a fairly long driving sequence, with Monique on her way to "Porno Land", an original song played in the background. This was a nice nod to the Golden Age of Porn, with which the director Paul Thomas is very familiar. One final note on what elevated Nurse Monique for me, was Monique Alexander herself. Not only is Monique able to actually act, but she always appears to really be enjoying her sex scenes, an oddity in most XXX features. I'm not really recommending Nurse Monique to anyone, but for me, the good elements outweighed the bad and I'm rating the movie a C+

SCOOBY DOO: A XXX PARODY

2012-01-07T14:00:00.000-08:00

Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody starring Bree Olson, Bobbi Starr, Chad Alva, Michael Vegas, Evan Stone, Lily Labeau and directed by Eddie Powell

The Plot: After a night of partying, Shaggy wakes up to find his buddy Scooby missing. The gang sets out in The Mystery Van to find him and wind up in a spooky old mansion.

:I've seen a lot of really bad porn parodies, let me say that again to stress the fact that I've seen a LOT of really bad porn parodies. Why do I keep watching them? Because....when a good one finally comes along, it seems watching all the other dreck I sat through worth the effort. That's probably not true, but I've got to have some excuse for my obsession with porn parodies.

Getting back on track, Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody is not only one of the good ones, it turned out to be one of the great ones. The story is pitch perfect, mainly because it could have been the plot from any one of the numerous Scooby Doo cartoon episodes; but a story is nothing without good dialogue and Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody succeeds on that level and with actors who can actually deliver their lines.

I think in many parodies the actor/performer isn't familiar with the source material nor the character they are portraying. You can always tell who knows their character and who doesn't. In my opinion, that's why you see someone like Randy Spears or Evan Stone, guys with a few more years on them, shine in parodies, because they've seen the original shows or at least the first round of reruns. All of this is my convoluted way of getting around to saying the cast of Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody are the right age to have grown up with Scooby and The Gang and therefore "get" their characters. Bree Olson as Daphne, Bobbi Starr as Velma, Michael Vegas as Fred are all perfectly cast for their roles and in a "born for the part", Chad Alva IS Shaggy. Throw in Evan Stone and you've got a great cast.

Eddie Powell, before this film, had directed such movies as Fuck For Dollars 2-9, She's Got Big Boobs 1 -3, and There's A Great Big Penis In My Butt. These titles didn't give me much hope when I rented Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody. Eddie Powell turned out to be a the real thing when it comes to directors, with camera shots I haven't seen in any other porn movies and a scene overlaid with a previous scene (sorry, I'm not technical enough to know what this is called) that I'm pretty sure is unique in porn to only this movie (unless Eddie Powell is off doing the same somewhere else). Eddie Powell, of course, has gone on to direct the outstanding XXX movies, Anchorman: A XXX Parody and Love Is A Dangerous Game.

I'm going to stop ranting and just say Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody was good enough that I'll do something I rarely rarely ever do with porn movies....watch it again. Do yourself a favor, if you like porn parodies or porn comedies, rent or buy Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody today. Without hesitation I grade this one A+.

The TWILIGHT ZONE PARODY

2012-01-04T18:41:00.000-08:00

The Twilight Zone Porn Parody starring Jessica Jaymes, Evan Stone, Kylee Reese, Chayse Evans, Kimberly Kane, Eric Swiss, Jack Lawrence, Eric Masterson and directed by Paul Thomas

The Plot: A new couple moves into a neighborhood at the beginning of the sexual revolution and have an effect on the other residents of Venture Lane.... or do they?

: I've seen some complaints that this movie isn't really a parody of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't start with similar music to remind you of the TV show and you don't see the narrator. However, there are some elements reminiscent of the original TV show: There is a voice over at the start and end of the movie, plus it has a very slight twist at the end and presents a moral lesson. I think people tend to forget that not every one of the original TV episodes were gems, some episodes were merely okay and The Twilight Zone Porn Parody would fall into the "okay" category easily.

All the acting was fine in the movie, which should be expected since it starred some of the top talents in the adult industry: Kimberly Kane, Eric Swiss, Evan Stone, and Eric Masterson. My biggest gripe with The Twilight Zone Porn Parody is Paul Thomas went to the trouble to costume the women with period type undergarments and June Cleaver pearls. This was supposed to make you feel it was the late 1950's/early 1960s, but then Thomas cast females with lots of tattoos which just seemed incongruous. I wouldn't go so far as to recommend The Twilight Zone Porn Parody, it's just an average movie and as such rates a C.

OPERATION: TROPICAL STORMY

2011-12-30T11:23:00.000-08:00

Operation: Tropical Stormy starring Stormy Daniels and Evan Stone with Annabelle Lee, Bella Ling, Carolyn Reese, Dave Cummings, Desiree Diamond, Devon Lee, Gianna Lynn, Havana Ginger, India Summer, Julius Ceazher, Marcus London, Mark Wood, Mia Lelani, Mikayla Mendez, Mya Luanna, Nikki Rhodes, Randy Spears, Renae Cruz, Sammie Rhodes, Shyla Stylez, Tee Reel, Tommy Gunn, Tony De Sergio, Voodoo and directed by Stormy.

Operation: Tropical Stormy is a sequel to Operation: Desert Stormy which was a really good XXX comedy, but Desert (2007) predates this blog's existence. One of the main changes in Tropical Stormy is Evan Stone has replaced Steven St. Croix as Stormy's husband/fellow agent. My understanding is St. Croix held out for more money and so they replaced him with Stone. The plot handles this by having St. Croix's life being in danger and he's given plastic surgery to ward off the hit that has been placed on him. They make him look like the porn star "Evan Stone", even including a penis enlargement in the process. They use this opportunity, and also later in the film, to make a few jokes at the expense of St. Croix.

There's a lot of story and a lot of comedy before getting to the main plot: Stormy and Evan wind up shipwrecked on an island where a lovelorn Korean dictator is plotting to take over the world with poisoned BBQ sauce. With a lot of twists, Stormy and Evan wind up foiling his plans and save The USA.

Operation: Tropical Stormy appeared to have a fairly decent budget and was a very well written comedic movie with some added action sequences. Both Evan and Stormy are two of the top notch adult performers around today. They are both deft, at not only physical comedy, but also at having fun with their characters, even if they have to look a little silly doing so. After all of the laughs I had while watching the movie, I was a little taken aback at the downbeat ending, which appeared to be setting up for a third film in the series. Operation: Tropical Stormy's weakest part were the sex scenes, not a one stood out as being anything but average. My grade for this movie: B

ANCHORMAN: A XXX PARODY

2011-12-29T19:33:00.000-08:00

Anchorman - A XXX Parody starring Jack Lawrence, India Summer, Anthony Rosano, Eric Masterson, Dana DeArmond, Dale DaBone, Aiden Starr, Tasha Reign, Dylan Ryan, Adriana Sephora with a non-sex cameo by Nina Hartley and directed by Eddie Powell.

It's been a long time since I saw Anchorman and I really don't recall the plot. I found it wasn't necessary to be overly familiar with the original film, because I really enjoyed this movie. In Anchorman - A XXX Parody, Ron Burgundy has made the big time, but gets fired because of a "boob" necklace he wears. When he goes back to his old station, he finds the whole news team is now made up of only women. His all male news team reassembles and hopes to take back the station. Too bad for Ron and his team, because the women are onto their scheme.

Jack Lawerence, who has never impressed me in the past, definitely did in Anchorman - A XXX Parody. Even though Lawrence is doing an imitation of Will Ferrell playing Burgundy, Lawrence seemed believable in the role, while as I remember it, Ferrell was just giving another one of his "look how stupid I can be" performances. The rest of Burgundy's news team, played by Dale DeBone, Anthony Rosano, and Eric Masterson, are also great in their roles.

It goes without saying, since this is a current day porn feature, the sex scenes are too long. I only bring this up to make a special note about Dana DeArmond in her scene with Eric Masterson. While DeArmond wasn't the only actor/performer to remain in character during their sex scenes (most likely due to the direction of Eddie Powell), it was just that Dana was so darn good at remaining in character throughout her scene, it made the segment a lot more interesting and was the standout sex scene of the movie.

This was another great comedy parody from Eddie Powell, who also directed the terrific Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody and while Anchorman: A XXX Parody isn't quite as good as the aforementioned, it still one of the better XXX parodies out there and rates a solid B.

ELVIS - A PORN PARODY

2011-12-28T17:41:00.000-08:00

Elvis - A Porn Parody starring J. Jay, Dale DaBone, Lexi Belle, Andy San Dimas, Alec Knight, Tyler Knight, Jessica Bangkok, Codi Carmichael, Jesse Palmer, Asa Akira, Ron Jeremy and directed by Alex Braun.

When I saw the title of this movie, I thought there wasn't a chance in Hell it would be any good. I even said to myself 'These parodies are getting out of hand" to which I replied to myself "Duh". To my delight, Elvis - A Porn Parody turned out to be a cut above most of the parodies out there. Although not noted, the film is really a parody of the documentary This Is Elvis, giving an overview of the life of Elvis...albeit this time with a porn slant.

Directed by Alex Braun (This Aint Star Trek #1 and This Aint' Star Trek #2) and starring Jay J as the younger Elvis and Dale DaBone as the older Elvis, the movie is also able to include other notable stars within the documentary framework: Ann-Margret (Lexi Belle), Priscilla Presley (Andy San Dimas), Mohammad Ali (Tyler Knight), Marilyn Monroe (Codi Carmichael), Natalie Wood (Jessie Palmer) and James Dean (James Deen - playing his namesake) and even Ron Jeremy makes an appearance as Elvis' second cousin (thrice removed).

While Jay J was good as young Elvis, it's Dale Dabone as the older Elvis who really got into his character. He must have really liked playing Elvis, since I saw he even went as Elvis to the AVN award show. It would be hard to single out the best supporting actor, everyone brought their "A" game, but Deen as Dean and Tyler as Ali really stood out in this excellent cast.

Elvis A Porn Parody had a progression that made logical sense, and since it was told in a documentary style, it could easily move from one facet of Elvis' life to the next and include a sex scene without looking as though it was shoved into the film. The Marilyn segment was the only exception. It was the last sex scene and it appeared rushed, like it was time to wrap things up and end the movie. There were several song parodies of Elvis' songs and a fair amount of humor sprinkled throughout the movie. I'm giving Elvis A Porn Parody a solid B.

THIS ISN'T CHRISTMAS VACATION

2011-12-27T18:45:00.000-08:00

This Isn't Christmas Vacation starring Anthony Rosano, Carolyn Reese, Emma Heart, Alec Knight, Tweety Valentine, Marco Rivera, Melanie Rios, Sonny Hicks and directed by Sammy Slater.

As XXX parodies go, This Isn't Christmas Vacation ranks pretty far down the list. There's really only a few things good in this parody. The front artwork on the box duplicates the mainstream movie's artwork fairly close and gave me hope for a good parody. People say "don't judge a book by its cover" and in my case, I guess they should have reminded me "don't judge a porno by it's cover".

The movie only makes a couple of attempts to remind us of the movie it's supposed to be parodying. Clark (Anthony Rosano) doesn't get his bonus, instead his boss enrolls him in The Dildo of The Month Club. Other than that plot point and having Cousin Eddie (Alec Knight) show up in his camper, This Isn't Christmas Vacation pretty much rambles around setting up the four LONG sex scenes. Oh yeah, the squirrel in the Christmas tree shows up near the end.

This Isn't Christmas Vacation has a few laughs in the first part, but the second half of the movie is taken up almost entirely of sex scenes. This Isn't Christmas Vacation is one of the few feature XXX Christmas Movies around and I had high hopes for it. Other than Alec Knight doing a pretty good (not great, but still the standout performance in this movie) Cousin Eddie and the movie being Christmas themed, I can't really think of any reason to recommend this one to anyone. I'm giving it a D+ and it only gets the "+" because of Alec Knight and the artwork on the box.

LOVE IS A DANGEROUS GAME

2011-11-30T14:11:00.000-08:00

Love Is A Dangerous Game starring Natasha Nice, Richie, Kimberly Kane, Rocco Reed, Xander Corvus, Jack Lawrence, Alyssa Branch, Kelly Klass. Written by Jacky St. James and directed by Eddie Powell

The Plot: Paulina (Natasha Nice - who in my opinion is a "ringer" for Katie Holmes) writes Childrens Books, but is burnt out and wants to move into the world of Horror. She contacts her favorite author (Richie) for advice and a connection develops between the two, even though she is warned that he may be as crazy as some of the characters in his books.

: I had heard good things about New Sensations Romance Series, but was still reluctant to check one of the releases out. I thought they would be along the lines of the mainstream Harlequin and/or Danielle Steele group of movies released several years ago with just some long drawn out sex scenes inserted in the storyline. If Love Is A Dangerous Game is a good representative of this group of films, then I couldn't have been more wrong.

Love Is A Dangerous Game had a logical well written plot. The sex scenes flowed with the natural progression of the movie with one exception (One used a standard porn set-up, so out of place in this movie, that it didn't fit with the rest of the film). Even the sex scenes are shot with a different sensibility, making them much more interesting than your usual "by the number" sex scenes. The sex scenes are even a little shorter than modern day scenes, only running around 15 minutes. The humor sprinkled throughout adds even more in making this such an outstanding movie.

While it appeared the plot was taking an easy way out for a resolution to the story, Jacky St. James was really setting the viewer up for a twist ending. So pay attention, or you'll wind up like me and have to watch the ending a second time to "get it". Love Is A Dangerous Game came close to getting an A+ from me, but due to the one scene, as mentioned in the previous paragraph, I'm giving it an A

ADDAMS FAMILY XXX

2011-11-12T15:27:00.000-08:00

Addams Family XXX starring Evan Stone, India Summer, Nina Hartley, Aurora Snow, Charley Chase, Alanah Rae, Chris Johnson, Bill Bailey, Seth Gamble, Barry Scott, Brandy Aniston, Alison Tyler, Dick Chibbles and directed by Rodney Moore.

The Plot: The Addams children are all grown up and ready to go off to college. Before Wednesday and Pugsley leave for school, Gomez and Morticia decide it's time to have “the talk” with them. This being The Addams Family things are a little different. Gomez brings Pugsley a hooker to teach him sex, while Morticia has Thing teach Wednesday about female masturbation.

: I wasn't familiar with the director of Addams Family XXX and had little hope the movie would be very good. I thought Evan Stone would be the best thing about the movie and might be worth the rental. To my surprise, several other actor/performers held their own with Evan and made Addams Family XXX an enjoyable watch.

Evan did his normal outstanding job of actually understanding the character he was portraying (something a lot of porn actors don't) and was great in his part. I also have to commend several others: India Summer as Morticia, whose acting and interaction with Evan as Gomez was spot on. Aurora Snow as the college recruiter was also outstanding in her role. Both of these performers impressed me with their acting ability. Finally, I would be remiss if I didn't mention Nina Hartley, almost unrecognizable in her makeup, having the guts to play Grandmama .

Also of note in Addams Family XXX is the use of "Thing", not only in his usual duties (delivering the mail, lighting cigars, etc) but also in the ways only possible in an X rated movie. This was something which an earlier parody of The Addams Family, The Maddams Family didn't include.

I don't want to give the impression Addams Family XXX is a great porn parody. It has several things wrong: cheap sets, long drawn out badly shot sex scenes, cheap costuming, bad facial make-up (which may look better in the black and white version, but looks horrid at times in the color version). However, Addams Family XXX does illustrate how decent writing, plus good casting and acting ability of the performers can lift a porn parody from being an average or below average parody to the grade I'm giving this one: B-

HUNG WANKENSTEIN aka HUNG WANKERSTEIN

2011-10-31T16:15:00.000-07:00

Hung Wankenstein aka Hung Wankerstein starring Ava Vincent, Felicia Fox (as Felica Fox), Isabella Camille, Kylie Ireland, Shanna McCullough, Anthony Crane, Evan Stone, Jason McCain, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy. George Kaplan (non sex) and directed by Jim Enright

The Plot: a parody of Young Frankenstein. Randy Spears inherits a castle from a distant uncle (Ron Jeremy). The monster (Evan Stone) who resides there doesn't need to be brought back to life, but only have a part of him upgraded.

: Hung Wankenstein was made in 2001 and is reminiscent of some of the older porn parodies, where not only the sex scenes, but the storyline was also important in the making of the movie.

Randy Spears as The Doctor and Evan Stone as The Monster are both great in their parts, but the real standout in the movie is Anthony Crane as The Hunchback. He gets most of the best lines, while the other characters play straight man for him.

There were only a couple of minor flaws in Hung Wankenstein:

The first two sex scenes are self-referential letting the viewer know the movie is moving to a sex scene and why the sex scene is being placed at that point. This was pretty humorous, but the idea seemed to be dropped for the rest of the movie. A pity, since this added to the humorous nature of the movie.

The other small flaw was Hung Wankenstein comes to a logical conclusion, but instead of ending, the movie has another sex scene tacked on to the end. There's no doubt it was added as an after-thought, since looking at the dvd timing strip shows two parts: 96 minutes and 20 minutes. Luckily, Jim Enright was able to make it flow with the plot of the the movie. Heck, who knows, maybe we should call this dvd "The Director's Cut".

I'm not a big fan of Mel Brooks, but I always thought Young Frankenstein was the best movie he made and the humor in Hung Wankenstein is on par with that movie. In other words, if you liked Young Frankenstein and you like a porn parody, then Hung Wankenstein is the movie for you. I grade this one a A-

POWER OF LOVE

2011-09-10T13:08:00.001-07:00

Power of Love starring Inari Vachs, Taylor St. Clair, Mia Smiles, Ava Vincent, Angelica Sin, Monica Mayhem, Brandi Lyons, Evan Stone, Dale DaBone, Ian Daniels, Rich Handsome, Joey Ray, and Max Steele and directed by Nick Orleans.

The Plot: Evan Stone had rather etrade than have sex with his girlfriend, Taylor St. Clair. On the advice of her girlfriend, Monica Mayhem, Taylor St. Clair signs Evan up for some re-education classes at The Love Foundation run by Inari Vachs. At The Foundation, Evan is enrolled with two other men: Dale DaBone who is obsessed with comic books and Ian Daniels, a sports nut. All three are put through various experiences to help focus their minds on sex and less on their other interests.

: The plot of Power of Love was sketchy and I had to fill in parts of the story that felt left out. I think The Foundation was turning men into a sort of "Stepford" husband/boyfriend. Near the end of the movie, Evan Stone has sex with Inari Vachs and she decides what she has been doing at The Foundation was all wrong....I know pretty bad and pretty damn chauvinistic.

This is a terrible movie with only one thing or actually, in this case, one person who kept it from being an absolutely total waste of time, Evan Stone. His "hammy" (in a good way) style of acting was enough to keep me sloughing through Power of Love until the end credits. The problem is one person can't save a disastrous piece of film-making like Power of Love. I would rate this one a D, but taking into consideration the musical soundtrack is basically just a loud, pounding, headache inducing drum machine throughout the whole film, I'm rating Power of Love a D-

MISBEHAVIN

2011-09-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

MisBehavin' starring Leslie Bovee, Gloria Leonard, Kurt Mann, Dick Galan, Eric Edwards, Arcadia, Molly Malone, Jack Wrangler, Marc Valentine and directed by Chuck Vincent

The Plot: Leslie Bovee has been married numerous times. Once she divorces one of her rich husbands, she takes half of their money. God and The Devil make a bet about whether her next marriage will be for love or money and they both try to influence the outcome.

There are two other sub-plots in MisBehavin' - Molly Malone, Bovee's ex-Mother-In-Law is upset about Bovee collecting the divorce settlement from her son. She makes numerous unsuccessful attempts to kill Bovee. Malone is so completely incompetent she reminded me of the coyote in The Roadrunner cartoons. The other sub-plot is about Marc Valentine, a spurned lover of Bovee's who is trying, also very unsuccessfully, to commit suicide.

: Andrew Sarris has defined screwball comedy as "a sex comedy without the sex". MisBehavin' is a screwball comedy with sex. It contains all the necessary elements: the farcical situation of God and The Devil making a bet on humans with the rewards being souls, a plot involving marriage/courtship, slapstick, and different classes of people. The only element it really seemed to be missing was fast talking repartee. This last element was replaced with the characters "breaking the fourth wall" and talking to the audience.

The least interesting parts of MisBehavin' turned out to be the sex scenes. While they were integrated into the plot and weren't long and drawn out like modern day sex scenes, they were for the most part uninteresting and generated little or no heat.

The non-sex parts of MisBehavin' on the other hand were great fun to watch. It had a well thought out logical plot with LOTS of humor (even if sometimes, that humor did resort to some stale jokes). With the two running sub-plots, as mentioned above, the characters "breaking the fourth wall", and a surprise ending, this all added up to make for an enjoyable viewing. Without the sex scenes MisBehavin' would still be worth recommending, something I usually can't say when reviewing a XXX movie, I grade MisBehavin' a solid B.

A final note relating to my other blog Gonna Put Me In The Movies, the band Harlequin appears during the outdoor party scene at the first of MisBehavin' playing the song "Stray Pussy".

TATTLE TALE

2011-09-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

Tattle Tale starring Jessica Drake, Rocco Reed, Kirsten Price, Marcus London, Monique Alexander, Randy Spears, Georgia Jones, Dylan Ryder and directed by Francois Clousot

The Plot: Rocco Reed is a reporter for a gossip magazine. He shows Jessica Drake evidence of her father being involved in a ponzi scheme. If she doesn't help him get the dirt on her socialite friends, he'll run it in the magazine. Reluctantly Jessica agrees, but later finds out Reed was mainly interested in saving his magazine from going out of business (I was never clear why this plot point was added late in the movie, since it really didn't add much to the story). There's a small twist at the end of Tattle Tale, but I won't spoil it by revealing it here.

: Tattle Tale had a lot of trouble with its plot. Although the plot was simple, half the time the movie would jump to a scene leaving the viewer left to fill in how we got to that part of the story. I could blame this on either bad editing or a weak storyline. Considering the big reveal of Rocco wanting to save his paper came so late in the movie, I'm guessing the plot wasn't very well thought.

The other weakness of Tattle Tale was the acting. Only Kirsten Price can be commended for her acting. I have seen every actor in this movie previously (except for Georgia Jones) and I know they are more capable than the performances they gave in Tattle Tale.

Francois Clousot's camera work was great as usual and he briefly was able to make the camera "love" Monique Alexander's body. Clousot just didn't sustain it through Monique's entire sex scene as he did with Kirsten Price in the first sex scene in Lies. Speaking of sex scenes, the ones in Tattle Tale ran around 10-15 minutes allowing the movie to flow at a more even pace.

Tattle Tale wound up being a slight disappointment, since with all talent involved - both stars and director - I was expecting much more. Taking into consideration the weak plot and acting I can only give Tattle Tale a C.

TWINS DO SCIENCE

2011-08-27T18:11:00.000-07:00

Twins Do Science starring Lacey Love, Lyndsey Love, James Deen, Jack Lawrence, Brooke, Daisy, Steven St. Croix, Frank Bukkwyd and directed by Paul Thomas

The Plot: Dim-witted twins Lacey and Lyndsey Love have been living off their grandpa for years. When he dies they think they have it made, but to their disappointment they find they have to work in the field of science for a year before they can inherit his money. On top of that, they won't get an allowance, but will have to live off whatever they earn.

Their first assignment is to pick up some semen samples which, of course, they manage to lose. They call up some friends to help them collect some more samples - too bad they didn't know what they lost was bull semen and NOT human semen.

: Twins Do Science had the look and feel of a cheaply made cable TV "young teen" production. The bad acting of The Love Twins was a good fit, since they were suppose to be a couple of air-heads (heck, who knows, maybe they weren't acting). The main problem with Twins Do Science was the sex scenes. Twins Do Science could have been a fairly enjoyable light-hearted sex romp of a movie, but The Twins were incapable of any type of realistic performances during their sex scenes. At one point, one of The Twins actually takes time to look at her watch. Who knew a porno could be ruined by the sex scenes?

Twins Do Science ended with the plot leading you to believe this would be the first in a series - I shudder to think there could have been a Twins Do Science 2. Twins Do Science would rate an F-, but since there were a couple of funny scenes (with the opening scene being the standout) and the movie had its own catchy theme song "Twins Twins Everybody Wins", I'm going to rate this one a D-

THIS AIN'T TWO and A HALF MEN XXX

2011-08-23T15:18:00.000-07:00

This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX starring Evan Stone, James Deen, Brooke Lee Adams, Dylan Ryder, Jamey Jane, Jenna Presley, Madison Ivy, Eric John, Patrick J Knight and directed by Marc Star

The Plot: Alan (James Deen) is despondent to the point of suicide about his ex-girlfriend moving in with his ex-wife. Since Charlie (Evan Stone) is currently having sex with Alan's ex-girlfriend's mother, he tells Alan he'll get her to speak to her daughter.

: This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX started with a lot of promise and it appeared this was going to be a really good porn parody, even if it did have that cheaply made look which has become common with some of these lesser parodies. Unfortunately, after the initial opening scene, the movie deteriorated into a string of sex scenes held together by only very brief dialogue/plot scenes.

The second sex scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with Alan's ex-girlfriend Kandi (Jenna Presley) who, we are suppose to believe, thinks a dildo is a back massager...WTF....this scene might have played IF this was some type of period parody, but to think Kandi is THAT dumb takes a big stretch of anyone's imagination.

Brooke Lee Adams playing the part of Charlie's stalker Rose is a pretty good looking "ringer" for the part and I give her points for trying to to sound and act like Rose from the TV show. Too bad whatever she thinks TV Rose sounds like is so far off it's actually distracting listening to her(She admits in the behind the scenes she's only seen the show a couple of times).

In case you wonder about the "half-man" (a term which reminds me how they often refer to Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones - an HBO series with so much sex, it appears it's ready made for a parody), he shows up in the last scene and makes of point of mentioning he's 18 (thus legitimizing him being in a XXX movie, albeit without a sex scene). The only saving graces to This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX are the two lead actors, Stone and Deen. Their opening and closing scenes showed the two actors giving it their best try, but two scenes do not make a good parody, I rate this one D+

OFFICIAL PSYCHO PARODY

2011-08-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

Official Psycho Parody starring Sara Sloane, Ryan McLane,Breanne Benson, Dane Cross, Eric Masterson, Francesca Le, Kagney Linn Karter, Katie Jordan, Lee Stone, Mark Wood, Michael Vegas, Tabitha Stevens and directed by Gary Orona

The Plot: In case there is anyone who hasn't seen the original Psycho (Is that possible?), here's a short plot summary - Woman wants to marry her boyfriend, but he wants to wait until they have some money set aside, since he is financially strapped. She steals cash from her employer and leaves town. She stops at a run down motel run by Norman Bates, who just happens to be a Psycho.

: First things first, even though this movie is titled Official Psycho Parody (I guess to distinguish it from any Unofficial one) this is not really a parody. Official Psycho Parody is what the big mainstream movie studios would call a re-imagining of an original movie. In this case, it just happens to be re-imagined as a porn movie.

Official Psycho Parody takes the basic premise as discussed in the plot summary above, then creatively comes up with its own interpretation of the main character, Norman Bates. The movie opens with titles and music very similar to the original Psycho. This sequence is in black and white, but as the movie begins it turns to color. [There is a black and white version on the extras disc OR you can just turn your color off, if you want to see Official Psycho Parody in black and white ala the original movie. Personally, the color didn't bother me.] Since Sara Sloane (a good casting choice for the Janet Leigh part) and her boyfriend are already in a hotel room at the start, I expected a sex scene but, to my surprise, the movie kept going and skipped that first sex scene many features insist on including, which can bog a plot down from the get-go.

After Sara goes back to the office, we get the plot set-up with her receiving money from one of her boss's clients, which she is supposed to take to the bank. Instead she steals the money, leaving town to meet her boyfriend and start a new life. Along the way she gets off the main road and stops at The Bates Motel, where she meets the proprietor Norman Bates (Ryan McLane, another good casting choice since McLane is able to to bring a certain twitchy creepiness to his role, reminding me of Anthony Perkins in Psycho). At this point the plot of Official Psycho Parody starts to deviate, for the most part, from the original Psycho with only the necessary inclusion of the shower scene.

I'm not going to spoil any more of the movie by going into further detail about the plot of Official Psycho Parody. I will just say it was wonderful to see someone put some thought and creativity into what could have been another run-of-the-mill endeavor. Although the plot makes logical sense and progresses from start to finish, the weakness of Official Psycho Parody comes when a couple of the sex scenes are inserted into the movie. Of the five sex scenes, two are logical, one borders on being logical and two are so illogical they almost seem as though the director is saying "wink wink nudge nudge" we're in a porn movie and now it's time for sex.

Even though it's played straight, the storyline/dialogue has a fair amount of humor with a few laugh out loud moments. A special mention should be made of Tabitha Stevens, who appears in a non-sex role in a couple of flashback sequences as Norman Bates' mother. She gives a superb over-the-top melodramatic performance.

The director, Gary Orona, understood using a minimalistic approach with music to create dramatic tension throughout Official Psycho Parody (Hmm, I wonder who he learned that from...oh yeah, that Hitchcock fellow) and how to use the right type of music. Considering all of the above, plus the great sets and the period costuming of the characters, Orona and his wife Stevens did a terrific job with Official Psycho Parody. If the sex scenes had been more fully integrated into the story line, I could have rated the movie a little bit higher; however, it still gets an A- from me.

L.A. UNFORGIVEN

2011-08-17T16:20:00.000-07:00

L.A. Unforgiven starring Julie Meadows, Evan Stone, Herschel Savage, Chris Cannon, Tina Cheri, Michael J. Cox, Ryan Conner, Cheyanne, Sammie and directed by Francios Clousot

The Plot: L.A. Unforgiven takes its basic plot from Chinatown - a private detective is hired to snoop on a local big time realty developer by who he is led to believe is the developer's wife. He finds the husband cheating and leaks this news to the local newspaper causing a big scandal. Then, the real wife shows up and threatens to sue the private detective.

: L.A. Unforgiven had an odd mixture of 40's noir combined with the year 2000 (when the movie was filmed). Some of the sets and costuming were more in line with the 40s, while at the same time there were outside shots of modern Los Angeles and current day automobiles. The plot was more 40's driven than modern day, since really who's getting all that upset today about a real estate developer having an affair....besides his wife. The male actors had the right suits and hats, but sported pony tails. The females in the movie had good looking 4o's style dresses, but also had bad implants and stripper shoes right out of the late 90's/early 2000's. Even with all of the above stated differences, the director, Francios Clousot, was able to make the story work by having his actor/performers be believable in their roles and never mentioning when the movie was occurring.

None of the acting was outstanding enough to be mentioned, but then again, no one was bad enough to be singled out either. Most of the sex scenes were placed logically into the plot with only one scene having such a quick set-up to appear forced into the storyline. On a side note, the sex scenes weren't mind-numbing long, only running around fifteen minutes.

Francios Clousot does a lot of cinematography for other XXX movies and in L.A. Unforgiven he has some deft camera work throughout the movie involving shadows, definitely a nod to 40's black and white noir, where shadows were an integral part of the film. After watching this movie, I think if someone gave Francious Clousot some serious cash to do a XXX feature, he could really deliver the goods. I give L.A. Unforgiven a B+

NOT THE BRADYS XXX - PUSSY POWER

2011-08-06T12:45:00.000-07:00

Not The Bradys XXX - Pussy Power starring Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, James Deen, Ron Jeremy, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, Alana Evans, Mikey Butders, Tanner Mayes, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Seth Gamble, Eric John, Lynn Lemay, Rebecca Riley and directed by Will Ryder

The Plot: Jan (Dylan Riley) wants to be popular like her sister Marcia. Her friend Monica (Tanner Mayes) advises her "Your pussy and blow jobs are the key to your success." In other words, she's got Pussy Power between her legs. Jan sets out to discover if her friend is telling her the truth.

: I'm not quite sure why I keep renting these Brady parodies. I rarely watched the original show and have only a superficial feeling for the different characters in the show. I can only assume Will Ryder, as the director, is my main motivation to rent another Brady parody, since when it comes to XXX parodies Ryder is the top man in the genre.

Not The Bradys XXX - Pussy Power had a well written plot (Jan wanting to be as popular as her big sister Marcia) which was similar to the original TV show and contained some great comedic lines. Detail was paid to the sets and the costuming, which always seems to be the case in a Ryder movie. Something I didn't notice on my initial viewing, but thought of later, was the sound was top notch, a failure of many feature porn movies. All the acting was fine in the movie and everyone stayed in character, even if loosely, through their sex scenes.

Each new Brady parody holds less and less interest for me. I enjoyed the first one Not The Bradys XXX, didn't get too much out of the second one Not The Bradys XXX: Marcia Marcia Marcia and got even less out of this third entry. IF you've never seen one of the Brady parodies OR if you're a big fan of the original show, you will probably enjoy this movie more than I did. It probably should rate at least a B+, considering all the good points I mentioned in the previous paragraph, but for me on a personal level, I grade this one C-

THIS ISN'T FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

2011-07-30T12:28:00.001-07:00

This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High starring Tori Black, Bridgette B, Charley Chase, Chastity Lynn, Natasha Nice, Scott Lyons, Seth Gamble, Michael Vegas, Chad Alva and directed by Sammy Slater

The Plot: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High really doesn't have a plot, but simply picks out a few key scenes from the original movie and parodies them. The movie has a running time of 142 minutes and with the four sex scenes in the movie running over 30 minutes each, this leaves only approximately 12 minutes for plot/dialogue.

: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a cheap, hastily put together movie, with skimpy sets and a small cast. However, there were two things which helped pull the movie up from the being the piece of dreck it could have been. The first was all of the performers stayed in character during their sex scenes. I'm sure this had to come from the direction they were given, since this doesn't happen in most XXX features. The second saving grace of This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High was the acting level was, for the most part, top notch. Chad Alva was a natural playing the perpetually stoned Specoli (in this movie his character is named Spermcoli). Also outstanding were Seth Gamble in the Damone part and Natasha Nice playing the Stacy role.

With the super long sex scenes (Thank You FF Button) and the short plot, This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High would have easily rated in the below average column with me, but due to the two factors I discussed above, I'm giving this one a C+

A-TEAM XXX: A PARODY

2011-07-25T15:18:00.000-07:00

The A-Team XXX" A Parody starring Bree Olson, Chastity Lynn, Emily Parker, Evan Stone, Jack Vegas, Jessica Jaymes, Jordan Lane, Luscious Lopez, McKenzie Lee, Randy Spears, Rick Garcia, Roy Karch, Scott Lyons, Sophie Dee, Stephanie Cane, Tyler Knight, Wendy Divine, Angela Aspen and directed by David Lord.

The Plot: Bree Olson and her ex-husband both work for the same newspaper. When her husband gets photos of a drug deal involving a biker gang, the police, and a city councilman, he knows he's got a real scoop, but before he can write the "big story" he is kidnapped by the biker gang. Bree hires The A-Team to help get him back safe.

: I'm not sure I would call The A-Team XXX a parody; I personally would classify it as a remake of the original show....with, of course, hard-core sex scenes added. The A-Team XXX had an opening sequence which aped the original TV show and included the introduction of each of the cast members: Randy Spears made a pretty decent Hannibal and would have been even better if he hadn't been given such a bad wig to wear. Evan Stone plays Face and, of course, that gave him plenty of material to work with as "the pretty boy'. Scott Lyon did an outstanding job as the loose screw Murdock. Tyler Knight was born to play his role, he was a dead ringer for Mr. T and delivered his lines in the same gruff manner.

The A-Team XXX is heavy on plot with approximately one-third of the 145 minute running time given over to story with the rest going to the sex scenes. In the second half, the movie went for such a long stretch with only story and action sequences, I thought the sex scenes were over. The plot devices used to move the story along were weak in a couple of spots, but then the original TV show usually had the same type of weak spots in its plot lines.

The sex scenes in The A-Team XXX weren't completely integrated into the storyline, and for the most part used standard porn set-ups to insert them into the plot. At the same time, they weren't so jarringly inserted into the story to make them outside the realm of possibility (that may just be my own addled thinking from watching too much porn).

An interesting underlying theme in The A-Team XXX is how the male characters react to Bree Olson's character. She's told by her boyfriend not to get involved in his "man's work". Her editor asks her "if she's having her period" and tells her "women are too emotional". Even Randy Spears' character tells her "women are hard to deal with". But, Bree's character is the one who learns how to contact The A-Team and hires and pays them. Before the movie is over, Bree also has helped rescue her ex and written "the big story" herself, which causes her ex and her editor to begrudgingly praise her. In a last bit of comeuppance at the end of The A-Team XXX, Bree blackmails Randy Spears into letting her become the newest member of The A-Team. I was surprised to see this theme of misogynists being outdone by the female lead in a porn movie. However, it was only subtly placed in the story leaving a message most may not catch, but which may possibly enter their subconscious.

While The A-Team XXX isn't completely perfect, it is damn good. If you were a fan of the original The A-Team or if you're just a fan of the current wave of porn parodies, I don't think you'll be disappointed in this one and I rate it A-

MILES FROM NEEDLES

2011-07-22T19:28:00.000-07:00

Miles From Needles starring Kimberly Kane, Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Maria Bellucci, Evan Stone, James Deen, Steven St. Croix, Brian Surewood and directed by B. Skow

The Plot: Stephen St. Croix finds April Blossom and his wife, Savanna Samson having sex (the first 25+ minute sex scene in Miles From Needles, which is the length of all the sex scenes in the movie). He starts having rough sex with Savanna, and this being porn, April eventually joins the duo. In a panic that St. Croix will kill them, April murders him and the two women go on the run, where their life intersects with the weird.

Things start down the wrong track when they are arrested by Evan Stone and taken to jail. It turns out Evan isn't a real policeman and has taken them to his own private jail. They are handcuffed standing up to a wall where they get to watch Evan and his wife/girlfriend, Kimberly Kane have sex.

Miles To Needles then cuts to the next morning where we get a scene that looks straight out of an early John Waters film. The women are chained to a table and are being served breakfast by Evan and Kimberly in their trailer. Kimberly is dressed, but Evan walks around naked while James Deen, who is referred to by the other two family members as Constance, crouches and hides around the kitchen in his underwear. When Evan and Kimberly leave, the girls convince Deen to let them go and they will hug him as he has requested.....the John Waters influence stops here as James Deen, Savanna, and April all start into the next sex scene. To their surprise, Evan and Kimberly are wise to what was going to happen, as we see them pull back a curtain they have been hiding behind waiting to watch their morning entertainment.

After the sex scene, Deen puts the naked women into a darkened room, where they are later visited by Evan holding a flashlight. When Evan forces one of them to have oral sex the movie loses continuity, since we can see both of Evan's hands but the flashlight is still mysteriously being pointed at the girls. Evans' wife gets wind of what he's doing and calls him out of the room. The girls somehow get dressed in mere seconds (I guess they found their clothes with the flashlight Evan left behind, but my oh my they are fast dressers) and jump out of the room and hit Evan with the flashlight.

The girls run out of the house and are chased by Evan, who gets so tuckered out he has to stop and use his inhaler. The girls hide out in a garage where Brian Surewood and Maria Belucci are having sex. Evan comes to the garage and joins in the action. This sex scene includes Evan holding a camera which is supposed to be showing us the action and the movie loses continuity once again, as the camera and what the viewer sees are never correctly in alignment. After this long sex scene the girls flee again and after a lot of running they wind up in the backyard of the same house they fled from....where???....I won't spoil anymore of the plot, but will mention one other odd bit - someone gets killed near the end of the movie, but magically reappears in the closing scene of Miles From Needles.

: The sex scenes are so long, I've even seen reviewers, who are primarily interested in XXX movies for the sex scenes, mention they're too long in Miles From Needles. The movie did use some standard plot devices to set up the sex scenes, but the main story was outside the usual realm of porn plots, with the "John Waters" scene definitely being quite novel for this genre of movie making. The acting, for the most part, was up to the level of late night cable viewing with no one being weak in their parts. I really couldn't pick the best actor in the movie, but Kimberly and Evan are always top rated adult actors in my book. If the sex scenes hadn't been mind numbingly long and with a little more attention to details, I could have rated Miles From Needles higher, as it stands I going to give it a C+

THIS AIN'T HAWAII FIVE O

2011-07-20T11:00:00.000-07:00

This Ain't Hawaii Five O starring Kaiya Lynn, Lana Lopez, Nicole Ray, Priya Rai, Sophia Santi, Victoria White, Jack Lawrence, Jack Vegas, Pike Nelson, Tommy Gunn and directed by Stuart Canterbury.

The Plot: A young woman fought with her fiance and has arrived in Hawaii on what should have been her honeymoon, but is now a solo vacation. When she is found murdered in her hotel room, Hawaii Five-O is eager to solve the case, since this could hurt the tourism industry.

: The last Stuart Canterbury movie I saw was Get Smartass, which was a very badly done parody. This Ain't Hawaii Five O is only marginally better than that movie. Unfortunately, marginally still doesn't make this one very good either. The movie begins with a disclaimer about it being a parody of the original 1960s show, but This Ain't Hawaii Five O blends the old TV show with the current incarnation now showing on CBS.

The story can only be described as skimpy at best and has to try really hard (and fails) to logically insert sex scenes into the plot. At one point a girl on girl jailhouse scene is inserted into the movie and it has nothing to do with the plot. It only exists, apparently, to fulfill the need to have such a scene in the movie.

The bad wig on Jack Vegas, who plays Jack Lord's part from the original series, doesn't help matters. It only makes him appear ludicrous instead of believable in his part. The other main character, Jack Lawrence playing the part of Danno, fairs a little bit better, mainly since he doesn't have to wear a wig and is already blond. The female performers are for the most part forgettable, other than I do remember seeing too many bad "boob jobs" while watching the sex scenes with Nicole Ray being the only exception, too bad her role wasn't more fully developed.

If this is the first parody anyone happened to watch, it would probably turn them off from seeing anymore. Hell, I've seen lots of parodies and when I run across one like This Ain't Hawaii Five O, it almost turns me off from watching anymore....it's that bad. I'm giving this one a D-

2011-07-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

Next starring Kaylani Lei, Brianna Love, Voodoo, Derrick Pierce, Kissy Kapri, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Alex Sanders and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

The Plot: Two girlfriends (Kaylani and Brianna) discuss their current relationships and make them sound a little bit better than they really are. Brianna convinces Kaylani to try speed dating where they meet a roomful of wacky characters.

: If this was a mainstream movie it would be labeled a "chick flick", which would make a lot of guys and some "chicks" avoid such a movie at the local multiplex. In the land of porno, movies don't get labeled like that and Next is just labeled a plot based feature.

Kaylani does a great job in her role, but she is basically playing the part of the "straight man" to Brianna's wackiness. Brianna is so good as the ditsy friend, she really steals the movie from the star, Kaylani. Since Next is a short 89 minute movie, the sex scenes (which are integrated into the film) don't run on to the point of becoming boring and detracting from the flow of he movie. As an added plus to the movie, there are a few XXX directors who make cameos during the speed dating segment. Next was another great movie from Jonathan Morgan, who to the best of my memory, has never disappointed me. I grade this one an A.

SEX PIX

2011-07-13T11:39:00.001-07:00

Sex Pix directed by James Avalon and starring Sunny Lane, Alektra Blue, Hillary Scott, Veronica Jett, Kelly Wells, Haley Paige, Mason, Tee Reel, Tyla Wynn, Staci Thorn, Gia, Dominica Leoni, Luccia, Isabella Stanza, Evan Stone, Manuel Ferrara, Erik Everhard, Mr. Marcus, Kurt Lockwood, Brett Rockman with a special appearance by Veronica Hart

The Plot: Sunny Lane wakes up in a motel room with an abusive and bleeding Evan Stone. How did she get here? Her only clues are a group of photos as Sex Pix starts at the end and rewinds into her past.

: First things first - the biggest mystery is why they ripped off the plot from Memento and titled the film Sex Pix....was the title Sexmento already taken...or did the producers of the movie think that porn watchers don't watch "mainstream" movies and would think the backwards plot was unique to Sex Pix...Your guess is as good as mine. Unfortunately, I don't think even a better title would have helped the movie very much.

While the plot started strong and looked like it would be interesting to travel backwards in time and find out why Evan was bleeding and why he was so pissed off, Sex Pix quickly deteriorated into revolving around a a sex club in order to present a bunch of not very well shot sex scenes. During these scenes people would sometimes run in and out looking for Sunny Lane asking everyone if they had seen her, this eventually became unintentionally funny.

Unless you are looking for some long sex scenes (one orgy scene went on for so long I even got bored while fast forwarding through it) with a bare bones ripped off "mainstream" plot and some unintentional humor, best to skip this one. I grade it D

RAWHIDE

2011-07-10T05:35:00.000-07:00

Rawhide starring Carmen Luvana, Kaylani Lei, Julian, Olivia Del Rio, Taylor Rain, Velvet Rose, Brooke Balentyne, Jesse V., Natalia Wood, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Steven St. Croix, Dale DaBone, Cheyne Collins, Joey Ray and directed by Nicholas Steele

The Plot: Carmen Luvana has been living in the city for years, but after her father dies, she inherits his ranch and must make a decision to either sell the ranch or run it herself.

: Rawhide had a logical plot, was shot on location and had great costumes. This should have been one of the best feature XXX movies I had ever seen, instead I found a movie that wound up boring me. I'm going to blame it on bad editing. The almost three hour running time is padded with long scenes of people riding horses, shots of the locales, or even having the camera linger on a fire. The other problem I had with Rawhide was, after sinking so much money in the movie, why didn't they hire a cameraman who could backlight a scene. There were way too many scenes in the movie which were either too dark due to being lit wrong OR maybe not lit at all. While Rawhide was a major disappointment for me, I appreciate the high production values and the effort put into the movie to make it appear almost mainstream (albeit with hardcore sex) and I'm going to give it a B.

CHAUFFEUR'S DAUGHTER

2011-07-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Chauffeur's Daughter starring Lanny Barby, Kelly Wells, Paulina James, Kimberly Franklin, Ava Lauren, Victoria Valentino, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, Herschel Savage, Kurt Lockwood, Jay Ashley and directed by Paul Thomas.

The Plot: The chauffeur's daughter (Lanny Barby) is madly in love with her father's employer's son Tony (James Deen). The son also loves her, but they are from two different worlds and his mother doesn't approve. Lanny is going to finishing school in Paris and Tony is being encourage to marry a socialite. Can their love survive long distance? Will Tony cave to his mother's demands? Tune in tomorrow to find out on As The World Turns....OOPS! I meant Chauffeur's Daughter!

: I keep thinking one day I'll see a movie by Paul Thomas that will make me realize he really is the genius that he thinks he is....but Chauffeur's Daughter is not that film. And I'm saying that with fondness, because I think P.T. really tries to add something to the world of feature XXX movies. Besides the soap opera-ish plot as described above (which I guess could be considered a novel idea), the movie is really just your "run of the mill" XXX movie with sex scenes broken up occasionally by plot exposition. At times the plot appears rushed (or badly edited) to get to the sex scene leaving the viewer to wonder why the sex scene is taking place other than the fact they're watching a XXX movie. Plus the movie is filled with bad boob jobs and while that may not be a turn-off for everyone, it certainly detracts from my enjoyment of any XXX movie. I rate this one a solid D

TAXI - A HARDCORE PARODY

2011-07-02T13:32:00.000-07:00

Taxi - A Hardcore Parody starring Eva Angelina, Anthony Rosano, Jenny Hendrix, Kirsten Price, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Evan Stone, Ron Jeremy and directed by Anton Slayer

The Plot: Almost non-existent, the closest thing to a plot is Alex's ex-wife is coming to see him. The movie primarily relies on the audience being familiar with the characters from the original TV show.

: While I have definitely seen worse parodies, Taxi was still far from the best. I didn't expect much, since this was from Anton Slayer (Gilligan's Island, Dukes of Hazzard) and I didn't get much, so I can't say I was very disappointed. Putting some bad wigs on a couple of actors and writing a script with a few funny lines, then wrapping a very slight plot around some long drawn out sex scenes doesn't even get your movie up to the average standard set by today's modern XXX parodies.

There are two saving graces to Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, one is Anthony Rosano as Tony Banta. He actually "gets" his character and impressed me with his acting ability. I think every feature XXX movie I have seen Anthony in has led me to believe he's one of the few adult actors who could easily cross over to mainstream films.

The other highlight of Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, much to my chagrin (since this blog is concerned with plots), is the sex scene between Rosano and Monique Alexander. Not only did this scene retain my interest throughout its 18+ minutes, but Monique had one of the best porno lines I've heard in a long time (although, I'm pretty sure it wasn't scripted) when, about three-quarters of the way into the scene, she states " Have Your Way With Me, I'm Cock Drunk".

Considering all of the above - one good actor, one good sex performance, a few laughs, and adding a point for Kirsten Price being a pretty good ringer for Elaine, I going to give Taxi - A Hardcore Parody a C-

PERFECT MATCH

2011-06-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

Much like The One, Perfect Match is another example of how a good movie can be made on a small budget IF you have a good director, good writing, and a good cast.

Perfect Match begins at a bar where Katie Morgan and Monica Mayhem are discussing the dating world. Also in the bar are Eric Masterson and Barrett Blade discussing the world of dating. Eric and Barrett have some of the truest sounding male to male peer dialogue I have heard since the first season of Entourage. Their dialogue may have been improvised, but IF it was written, Bravo! to the writer.

We get a flashback with Eric Masterson meeting Hillary Scott at the same bar and this results in the first sex scene, which is set in a bathroom stall. I'm still trying to get a handle on why so many sex scenes in feature XXX movies are set in bathrooms. Is it a fetish, is it easy to shoot, or is it what??? This scene is followed by Katie relating to Monica a bad encounter that she had with a pickup date. The sex scene that follows features Katie and Evan Stone, with Evan being hilarious as someone obsessed with himself (something I secretly think is probably true in real-life). The movie then moves into a confessional set-up style with the actors relating their experiences to the camera for the rest of the movie. All of these confessionals include a lot of humorous lines.

The best of the confessional scenes is when Barrett hooks up with Andreza Valentino and realizes it was a huge mistake. It seems Andreza not only wants "clean" sex talk, but she considers Barrett to be "The One" and is hopelessly in love with him. This was my first encounter with Andreza and even though everyone in the movie was great, she was so perfect in her role that I hope to see her again soon.

Perfect Match has a good flow from start to finish and since it's all about different "dating" partners the sex scenes fit into the plot. The only flaw is, like most modern XXX features, the sex scenes are too long but when (or IF) they become boring to you, just use your FF button. I rate this one an A-

Perfect Match starring Katie Morgan, Hillary Scott, Derrick Pierce, Monica Mayhem, Andreza Valentino, Evan Stone, Eric Masterson, Barrett Blade and directed by Michael Raven

SPACE NUTS

2010-08-31T14:34:00.000-07:00

Living in The Bible Belt and also in a city that is home to Bob Jones University, getting porn movies has always been something of a challenge. Back before VHS you occasionally ran across someone that had an 8mm stag movie and that was about it. How Greenville, SC, managed to have a XXX movie theater on Main Street (see photo on sidebar) back in the late 60s and early 70s is still a mystery to me. We also had a XXX drive-in movie theater up the road in Spartanburg, SC....and here's the kicker....you had to know someone who could get you a membership card before you could get in....thankfully, I had a terrific Uncle Bob who got me one....so "Bob's Your Uncle" and I possessed a card (that joke is just for my UK and anglophile readers). Along came VHS and some of the small Mom and Pop shops tried to rent porn and were constantly busted by the police. I am still thankful to them for the times, between busts, that I could rent XXX videos.

All of the above is just a preamble to how thankful I was one day in 2006 when I read an article where Tori Spelling talked about renting porn by mail. My only awareness of Tori Spelling was that she was the daughter of Aaron and had been on some TV shows, none of which I had ever watched. When I read the following quote: ""My husband Dean McDermott and I also belong to this service that's like a porn Netflix.....The Netflix DVDs come in a red package and the porn ones come in a blue one, so we're like, "Oooh! A Netflix arrived!" or "Oooh! A porn arrived!" I became a fan of hers for life....curiously, to date I still have never seen her in any TV show or TV movie, but I won't "cotton" to anyone saying anything bad about Tori!!

After all that long winded explanation, I'm finally getting around to the movie I'm going to discuss for my 100th review. In 2004 HBO had a show called "Pornucopia" and part of that show was about the making of Space Nuts, a big budget XXX comedy with a plot. It reminded me of some of the older plot based movies I had seen years ago, albeit with a much bigger budget. I checked out Tori's recommendation and joined the online porn movie rental company with Space Nuts being one of the first movies I received.{IF you wonder why I'm not mentioning the rental company, their service was very slow and I eventually switched to another company}. Since I felt that review #100 should have some type of significance, I decided to watch Space Nuts again. It is a real rarity for me to watch a XXX movie more than once.

Space Nuts doesn't spoof any certain movie, but takes parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "Buck Rogers", and who knows what else, mixes them all together, adds in some special effects and produces an outstanding movie in the world of XXX. Space Nuts was directed and co-written by Jonathan Morgan, who has, as many of you know from my past reviews, become one of my favorite go-to directors when I'm looking for a good XXX movie. It also stars some top talent: Mike Horner, Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Stormy Daniels, Katie Morgan, Randy Spears, Devinn Lane, Jessica Drake, Kaylani Lei, Kyle Stone, and even a cameo by Ron Jeremy.

The plot centers around Princess Hubba Hubba (Stormy) who is fleeing her galaxy (the Clitoran system) from the Evil Overlord (Mike Horner - unrecognizable under a prosthetic mask) who wants to marry her and control her empire. Assisting the Evil Overlord are the Dark Witch (Devinn Lane) and General Warts (Kyle Stone). On the side of good with the Princess are Buzz Starfokker (Evan Stone) and the android Jeeves (Randy Spears).

Space Nuts had a big budget for a XXX feature (reportedly $200,000) and it looks like a lot of that money was invested in special effects with some of the effects (definitely not all) being on the level of mainstream studio productions. They also didn't cut corners on costuming or make-up, something porn features are sometimes apt to do. With the effects, the costumes, the acting, the great comic writing all added together, you get one damn good movie....How good is it? They could remove the ten sex scenes (which were all too long anyway at the modern 20+ minute length) and I would still without hesitation recommend this movie to anyone who likes a good spoof.

Space Nuts starring Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Devinn Lane, Kaylani Lei, Shanna McCullough, Katie Morgan, Kim Chambers, Amber Rain, Casey Pink, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Steve Hatcher, Trevor Zen, Scott Styles, Jim Enright and directed by Jonathan Morgan

BLONDE AMBITION

2010-08-24T17:02:00.000-07:00

I recently watched Sextette to review for my other blog, Gonna Put Me In The Movies, and thought it would be "campy" fun, instead it just turned out to be an embarrassment for Mae West and a dull viewing experience for me. Blonde Ambition, on the other hand, fulfilled my desire for camp and comedy.

Sugar and Candy Kane (Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon) are performers in a small Podunk town in Wyoming. They get a call from their manager to come to New York for a job (which turns out to be non-existent). The first sex scene has the girls in their dressing room, which is just another stall in the horse barn. Sugar has sex with her boyfriend (David Morris) on one end of the barn while Candy is doing her make-up on the other end. There are a lot of double entendres spoken during this scene and it's played more for laughs than sex. It seemed strange that Sugar's boyfriend had a huge bald spot (which looked like a fake bald cap) and he wanted to keep his cowboy hat on most of the time....little did I know that this plot point would come into play before the end of the movie. I'm not going to reveal how it came back at the end of the movie, but just wanted to note how well written Blonde Ambition was that it could take a minor bit from the start of the movie and make notation of it again at the end of the movie.

They don't have any funds to get to New York but luckily Eric Edwards and his man servant Richard Bolla are in town picking up a priceless brooch for Eric's aunt and they will fly the girls to New York. Sugar shows him an exact double for his brooch and tells him she bought it on the cheap....there's a fight in the bar and the brooches get switched (like we didn't see that one coming!).

On the plane trip, Candy has sex with Eric and Sugar gives Richard oral sex....well actually a body double (Suzy Mandel did not do any hardcore scenes in the movie) wearing a gray wig (Candy is blonde) gives Richard oral sex. Neither sex scene was very remarkable and both scenes seem to be included in the movie simply as sex scenes with no plot development involved. In New York when the girls find that no job exists, they have to look for other work. The girls get parts in a porn production of Gone With The Wind directed by Jamie Gillis. This has a huge number of people in a choreographed sex scene which is more "campy" than sexual.

Back at the apartment Candy is showering and masturbating while thinking about Eric Edwards, while we see him showering and masturbating thinking about her. This is a particularly odd scene, while seeing a woman masturbate in a porn is nothing out of the ordinary, seeing a man with no female involved masturbating is out of the norm and maybe this had something to do with the directors, who also worked in gay porn.

Eric's aunt, Lady Buckingham, has sent a private detective to check on the two girls. She thinks they are too low class for her nephew and has them pegged as golddiggers. The PI and Candy hook up and of course this results in a sex scene. In the meantime, Sugar has met a frisky couple in an elevator and gone back to their apartment with them. In the apartment, the sex scene begins with the man naked playing a piano while the woman is trying to undress Sugar, but Sugar pulls away and lo and behold the floor is a skating rink and Sugar skates around while undressing. We have now moved from the campy into the surreal!

The girls are both back at the apartment and we find Sugar checking out a guy sunbathing a couple of floors below and she drops the brooch over the balcony. Sugar goes downstairs to the apartment to retrieve it, where the guy (George Payne) has now moved his sunbathing inside under a sunlamp. Sugar finds that it is a gay couple living in the apartment and she's cool with them being gay and agrees to let one of them use her brooch as part of his costume at an upcoming drag show. After he leaves, Suzy still has the hots for the other guy. Since he has protective eyewear on and can't see what is going on, Sugar starts rubbing on him...he thinks it's his partner but when he finds out it's Sugar they have sex anyway!!! I'll let you draw your own conclusions from this scene.

Sugar and Candy want to go to the drag show but are refused admittance, so they disguise themselves as drag queens to get into the club. The dialogue inside the drag club was similar to what I have heard at drag shows, so I assume that a real club or at least some of the real performers were used.

In the meantime Lady Buckingham has found out about the brooch switch and has come to New York to have the ladies arrested. She is easily mistaken for a drag queen and gets into the club, but before she can have the girls arrested, the whole club gets raided and everyone is put in jail. Lady Buckingham finds out that she actually owns that club among all of her other New York property. The girls are such a hit that Eric's aunt buys them their own club. The final scene is a choreographed dance number with Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon at their new club backed by a group of gay dancers.

I would say they don't make them like this anymore, but actually I don't think they really ever made many like this one. My grade A-

Blonde Ambition starring Kurt Mann, Patricia Dale, Molly Malone, Tara Belles, Dory Devon, Jean Joseph, Suzy Mandel, Eric Edwards, George Payne and directed by John and Lem Amero

LUST ON THE ORIENT XPRESS

2010-08-11T07:52:00.000-07:00

The back of the box actually has a pretty decent summation of the movie: "Nick (John Leslie) and Nora (Gina Carrera) Chalmers write mystery novels...steamy, sexy mystery novels. In search of plots for their next book, they travel to Europe to experience the passion, desire and intrigue on the legendary Orient Express. Once on board, they discover a cast of shady (and horny) characters including a Potent Potentate and his Hand Job Hand Maiden, Horny Colonel Kittridge, and the anything but Lady Like Ashley and her Sex Starved Secretary - all plotting to steal a priceless diamond. "The Eye of Eros". It's a four day erotic adventure where it's not whodunnit, but who's doing it, that counts."

Lust On The Orient Xpress (LOOX) was made in the waning days of the Golden Age of porn, but definitely qualifies as a Golden Age movie with its well thought out logical plot that progresses the storyline from start to finish. LOOX was a big budget porn in 1986 with scenes shot outside a train, realistic movie sets inside different train cars and even insert shots of a real train pulling in and out of train stations. Another plus are the period costumes that everyone gets to wear. All of these elements add up to a pretty decent movie.

In LOOX, John Leslie proves he was as good an actor as any second string actor in movies and TV during this same time period. Everyone's acting for the most part is pretty good with one exception: Tracey Adams, who tries to do a Cockney accent, but somehow manages to sound American Southern and British at the same time....maybe she's from South London :-)

The worst parts of LOOX are the sex scenes, which are all deadly dull. Without them of course, this wouldn't be a XXX feature, it would just be a fairly decent "Made For TV" movie (actually better than some). The sex scenes were "shoehorned" into the movie, instead of having situations that led naturally to them, making them just as irritating as many sex scenes in modern day XXX features. Even discounting for the sex scenes, this one still rates a solid B

John Leslie, Gina Carrera, Jamie Gillis, Pat Manning, Eric Edwards, Tracey Adams, Andrew Herbert, Keli Richards, Jim Woodman, Paul Thomas, Francis Papillion, Raymond Roberts, F. Powers Gireau, Jennifer Lacy, Nich Kypros and directed by Tim McDonald

CAROLINA JONES and THE BROKEN COVENANT

2010-08-08T15:41:00.000-07:00

This movie was shot in Hungary and the location shooting was definitely a plus for Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant (CJ). The very first scene is shot in some caverns as we find Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) after an artifact at a Monastery. She sneaks in disguised as a Monk and happens on Steve Holmes having sex with Nikki Blond, while Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up next to them being forced to watch. Why all of this is taking place is never revealed, but it allows Carolina to rescue Dixie and get the artifact. The rescue includes some cheap gore effects that you don't usually see in feature porn movies.

Carolina gets word that her former lover John Brody (James Brossman) has information about The Ark. Dixie has transportation so Carolina reluctantly agrees to let Dixie be her sidekick. Unfortunately, Dixie's truck breaks down and they're forced to hitchhike. Carolina and Dixie get picked up by some guys who want to have sex. What follows comes as a surprise: No sex scene, instead, the guys get their asses kicked and their truck taken from them. Once they reach Brody's mansion, Dixie distracts the guards (now we have a sex scene) enabling Carolina to get into his bedroom.

Brody has been willingly tied up and blindfolded by his sex partner (Roxy Panther) for the night. She has just finished giving him oral sex when Carolina arrives and takes over. Carolina wants to know where the Ark is, so she tortures Brody for the information. There are some special effects where she pours boiling water on him and you can see steam coming off his face as it blisters. He tells her, but Carolina pours honey on Brody's genitals and releases ants into the room as punishment for his past sexual transgressions. While both the boiling water and the ants were cheesy special effects, I've seen just as bad in mainstream cheapo movies.

CJ hits its first really weak spot as a new plot point is introduced when Carolina tells Dixie, Brody is the only man she has ever had sex with. Dixie tells her she needs to have sex with someone else and this sets up a fantasy sex scene with the hotel bellman (David Perry).

In their next attempt to get the Ark, they hook up with Dixie's estranged fiancé (Zenza Raggi), but they wind up having to be rescued from the Nazis who have possession of The Ark by Carolina's father Indy (Tibor Butch, whose only resemblance to the real Indiana Jones is his hat!) . This would have been a great place to end the movie, but like many other pornos, the makers felt it necessary to tack on one more sex scene, this one between Carolina, Dixie, and the fiancé.

CJ reminded me of some of the BETTER late night Skinemax plotted movies. After stating that, there are a few things that really stood out as flaws in CJ: Bree playing the character Dixie uses a Southern accent, but she completely forgets about her accent during her sex scenes. There's also some odd music used throughout CJ that did not fit with the movie, one scene had a blues harmonica in the background that is so out of place it was distracting. As mentioned above, the last sex scene should have been left off since CJ had already come to a logical end. Taking into account these flaws along with the really good parts of the movie, I arrive at a grade of B-

Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant starring Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Blond, Roxy Panther, David Perry, Steve Holmes, James Brossman, Zenza Ragg, Tibor Butch and directed by Ethan Kane

A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART

2010-08-06T11:28:00.000-07:00

I had only seen one Jace Rocker production prior to watching A Little Piece of My Heart (LPMH). I felt that Jace Rocker movie, Hillbilly Honeys, was ok, but it wasn't anything that made me go on a search for any more of his movies. I ran across LPMH while searching for music related movies for my other blog: Gonna Put Me In The Movies.

The description of LPMH touted: "Texas, 1969. Ever feel you've been cheated? Stacy does. Especially after finding her redneck boyfriend in the sack with another girl. She's so pissed she decides to pack her things and head for Hollywood. She soon realizes that things are little different in California. It's the summer of free love and lots of it. From rock stars to sleazy "B" movie directors, she gives them all a little piece...of her heart!!"

Even knowing it was rated XXX and that I wouldn't be able to review it for my other blog; I still wanted to see it, since the title referenced a Janis Joplin song (I know it was originally an Erma Franklin song, but it's primarily identified with Janis) and the description included the words 1969, Rock Stars, and San Francisco. It looked liked it was going to combine both of my main interests in cinema: XXX and Music!

The movie begins in PORT ARTHUR TEXAS, where we find Tom Byron relating his war stories, which leads to a "dick in the box" gag and into the first sex scene. I would like to say a few words about Tom Byron. I have seen him in countless movies over the years and while he is always okay in the acting department, I have never seen him in any role that was memorable until I watch LPMY. He is straight up good and funny in his role as the cheating, lying redneck boyfriend.

Tom's girlfriend, Stacy Valentine, comes home to their trailer and arrives just after he has finished having sex with Shay Sweet. It's pretty obvious as to what has been going on and she packs her bags and heads for San Francisco where she's going to stay with a friend named JANIS, who has moved there.

After her money runs out for the bus ride, Stacy is having to hitchhike and she gets picked up by Steve Hatcher, who takes her home with him. Steve looked liked a cross between Sonny Bono and Jeff Foxworthy and played his role of the laid back stoned hippie musician to perfection. Steve knows Janis and makes a call to let her know that Stacy is in town, but finds out that Janis is on tour in Europe. Stacy decides to stay on in California anyway and Steve sends her to a casting agent that will help her get work in an "art" film.

Stacy's jealous cousin, Alyssa Love, finds out about Stacy's plans to stay in California and right away runs to tell Tom Byron. Tom decides he must go to San Francisco and bring her back to Texas. Of course, being the cheating rat he's always been, he first has to have sex with Alyssa.

The agent turns out to be Ron Jeremy in a non sex role. Ron wants to see how Stacy will work out and gets her to do a lesbian scene with Davia Ardell. There's a pretty funny bit here when the vintage camera that Ron is trying to work falls apart and Ron just goes with the flow, yelling for someone to bring him another camera.

Since Stacy worked out alright in her lesbian scene, Ron gets her a job on the set of a B picture being shot by Jonathan Morgan. This whole set up, including a Bela Lugosi (Jace Rocker) part is straight out of "Ed Wood". Jonathan Morgan was terrific doing Johnny Deep as Ed Wood and it made me wish for a whole porn parody of "Ed Wood" with Morgan in the lead role. And just think, the title's already there: Ed's Got Wood!

Tom Bryon finally gets to California and is trying to force Stacy to go back to Texas with him. Hatcher comes to her rescue, whacks Tom with a guitar and tells Stacy she can come on tour with him. It was great to see another movie that knew how to have an ending that could wind things up.

LPMH had the look of a very cheaply made movie, yet it put a lot of the big budget XXX spoofs to shame with its great comic writing and coherent story. The first and last sex scenes were an integral part of storyline, with the rest of the sex scenes being your standard porn movie conventional set-ups.The sex scenes were even more in line with the length of "Golden Age of Porn" sex scenes. And like many scenes from "The Golden Age", lacked very much heat. The only real flaw in the movie was there was a lot of bad silicone..some REALLY Bad, Bad Boob Jobs...but even taking that into account, I rate this one A-

A Little Piece of My Heart starring Julian, Sindee Coxx, Stacy Valentine, Shay Sweet, Davia Ardell, Alyssa Love, Jace Rocker, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Steve Hatcher and directed by Jace Rocker

THE ONE

2010-08-04T13:39:00.001-07:00

Here's a good example of how to make a low budget movie and come out with a winner. It's pretty obvious that all of The One was shot inside one house, so the major part of funding for this movie had to go to the talent and what a line-up of talent there is: Stormy Daniels, Sunny Lane, Katie Morgan, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Jonathan Morgan, and Francois Clousot.

The One was written by Stormy Daniels who, once again, proves how good she is at writing these XXX romantic comedies OR for that matter, just about any movie she has written. The One also has one of the better XXX directors, Jonathan Morgan and one of the better cinematographers, Francois Clousot. Of course all of these great performers/actors/director/cinematographer could still have produced a turkey, but that's definitely not the case with The One.

After a brief opening scene with Stormy and Voodoo arriving at Voodoo's house the movie goes straight to a sex scene. I usually hate it when a movie opens with a sex scene, but this one is necessary to set the plot in motion. Following the sex scene, Stormy, not really meaning to, blurts out "I Love You". This causes Stormy and Voodoo both to go into a mild panic, since neither has had a lot of success when they said those three words to different partners in their pasts.

First up, Voodoo "meets" (all of the "meetings" in this movie are only in the minds of Stormy and Voodoo) Sunny Lane. There's some funny dialogue here, as there is throughout the movie, as Sunny peeks in on Stormy and states "You Know Those Ain't Real" (remember this was written by Stormy). In the flashback, Sunny is sitting around talking about Global Warming(!) with a couple of her girlfriends (Kelly Kline and Delilah Strong) and Voodoo is off to the gym, but as soon as he leaves, we find the political talk was just for Voodoo's sake as the toys come out and we get a g/g/g scene. Voodoo forgets something and returns home (amazingly right as the sex scene is ending !) and finds out what has really been going on and ends this relationship. Next up, we see Stormy in a doomed relationship with Mr. Pete. Stormy wants Mr Pete to go down on her, but he's busy playing a video game and suggests she give him head first. Needless to say, after Mr Pete climaxes, he has no further interest in Stormy and goes right back to his game.

The rest of The One shows us more disastrous relationships that Stormy and Voodoo have had with lovers they have used the words "I Love You" with:

It seems Voodoo's girlfriend Cassie Young's trouble was NOT saying "I Love You", since she said it to everyone. We first see her in a full sex scene with the cable repairman, Randy Spears, but then we also see her saying "I Love You" to the pizza guy, the pool boy, and the plumber.

Evan Stone has a great sleaze ball part as a past lover of Stormy's. It seems their relationship broke up when Stormy caught him with Katie Morgan and Brianna Love. Of course, Evan says, "who you going believe, me or your own lying eyes". This scene gave me a laugh out loud moment watching Evan dance!

Nicole Sheridan does a great turn as Voodoo's VERY jealous over-controlling boss who finally fires him and I mean really "fires" him.

Eric Masterson plays the sensitive lover and cries after Stormy tells him she loves him. Eric actually gets the brush off for being too nice of a guy.

After we see all of these failed past relationships, the movie ends on a happy note. Which brings me to another point, a lot of XXX movies don't know how to have an ending and just sort of sputter to a stop. So it's always nice to see a movie that has a plot that starts and finishes, all with logical sense. The only flaw I can see with The One is the title. I think it could have used a title that would better illustrated what it was going to be about - i.e. - Three Little Words, Three Words, Don't Ever Say That or something along that line. Regardless of the title The One still rates a solid A with me.

The One starring Stormy Daniels, Brianna Love, Cassie Young, Delilah Strong, Katie Morgan, Kelly Kline, Nicole Sheridan, Sunny Lane, Eric Masterson, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Randy Spears, Voodoo and directed by Jonathan Morgan

The BIG LEBOWSKI - A XXX PARODY

2010-07-31T19:45:00.000-07:00

Wow! I knew that Lee Roy Meyers was no Will Ryder, but I never imagined he could make a train wreck as bad as The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody (BLX). The first problem with the movie is casting Tom Byron in the lead role. While Tom has had a stoned looked about him for years, the important thing that Lee Roy must have forgotten is that Tom isn't that great of an actor and the lead role really needs someone strong enough to give some believability to the part, since they will be carrying most of the movie. On a positive note, Tom was either given good direction in how to ape the body language of Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski or he has really studied the movie, since this was the one thing that was spot on.

The actual plot of BLX makes very little sense UNLESS you have seen the original movie. Meyers removed large parts of the original plot and makes references to some events that have already occurred off screen. This might be fine for those familiar with The Big Lebowski; however, the end result for BLX is one more incoherent mess.

BLX starts off pretty much on the wrong foot, we have the scene inside Lebowski's house where the hoods come to demand money that's owed to Jackie Treehorn. Only this time, there's 3 of them, 2 guys and a female, While one guy beats on Tom the other two have sex. But it's not the splooge (the movie's word, not mine) on the rug that's the problem, it's the splooge on The Dude's porno tapes. An aside: BLX is on 2 discs, one has the party version (what kind of Fucking party this is going to be played at, I'm not sure....I know they nixed the idea, when I suggested it for my nephew's birthday party!). Anyway, the party version has the plot, shorter sex scenes, and no pop shots. Since the plot requires a pop shot on The Dude's tapes, the party version has already gone astray.

At the bowling alley we meet the Donnie and Walter characters and both did a great job in their characterizations. However, at one point they have Walter say "this isn't Amsterdam, there's rules" (in the original movie it's Vietnam), in later dialogue Walter says Vietnam instead of Amsterdam. This is either the fault of a poorly written script or a poorly edited movie, since there is no consistency. Could be either, since Lee Roy takes credit for the script and for co-editing.

The scene where The Dude goes to visit the "real" Lebowski (who collects Beta porn tapes) to get reimbursed for his destroyed tapes is pretty good. The "real" Lebowski in BLX has erectile dysfunction instead of loss of his legs as the character does in"The Big Lebowski". In the scene where Bunny (Brianna Blair) says that she'll suck The Dude's cock for $1,000 and Brad (Evan Stone) will have to pay an extra $100.00 if he wants to watch, The Dude whips out his checkbook and writes a check for $1,100 to cover him and Brad.

Up next is probably the best scene in BLX with James Deen playing Jesus. Since Deen had the Jesus role down perfectly, I could only think, what if they had given Deen the lead in BLX, how much better this movie could have been. The only downfall of this scene is the really ill fitting jump suit, but then I guess by this point in the movie I shouldn't have been surprised about lack of detail. If Carlos Santana ever sees this movie, I'm pretty sure there will be a lawsuit, because they really ripped off "Smooth" for the music during James Deen's sex scene.

The Dude settles in and watches "Logjammin". The scene starts pretty good with Steve Holmes in a very bad blond wig, and he mispronounces "cable" as "cabal" which was the way the character pronounced it in "The Big Lebowski". However, only moments later he pronounces it "cable", just another example of no one paying very much attention to what they were supposed to be parodying.

Before the famous Dude flying scene (mashed up with when The Dude got slipped a mickey at Jackie Treehorn's), BLX warns the viewer that things aren't going to be following the regular movie. DUH!!! If a fan of "The Big Lebowski" hasn't figured that out by this point in the movie they're never going to figure it out.

Kimberly Kane shows up near the end of the movie as Maude and she really looks the part, of course she also still looks like Scully from The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody. During her sex scene, I really thought I was watching Scully and The Dude get it on. This was NOT the fault of the movie, just my own addled porn brain.

At the end of the movie, Evan Stone makes another appearance, this time playing The Stranger. Of course the makers of BLX couldn't even go to the trouble to get a sarsaparilla bottle for the scene (I can even buy Sioux City Sarsaparilla at my local grocer!). Evan sports a really bad fake mustache in this scene, rivaling the bad wig of Steve Holmes for the award for worst costuming in BLX. The most discouraging part of this scene is that the dialogue covers the fact that they had to leave out of a lot of the story, but there could always be a sequel. PLEASE, I BEG, FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE, DON'T LET LEE ROY MYERS DO ANOTHER BLX!!!!

There are EVEN more things wrong with BLX than what I have mentioned above, but I didn't want to go over each and every thing that was wrong, just hit some of the main highlights that spring readily to mind after my viewing. BLX would have gotten an F, but since I did get a few laughs and a few of the actors did a good job with their roles, I'm going to rate this one a D-

The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody starring Kristina Rose, Anthony Rosano, Bobbi Starr, Rocco Reed, Kimberly Kane, Andy San Dimas, Celeste Star, Carla Cox, London Keyes, Jackie Daniels, Briana Blair, Keni Styles, Ashley Grace, James Deen, Evan Stone, Tom Byron, Steve Holmes and directed/written//co-edited by Lee Roy Meyers

SEINFELD: A XXX PARODY

2010-07-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

A lot of this parody was going to rest on the lead actor playing Jerry Seinfeld (called Gerry in this parody). James Deen did a really good job of copying Seinfeld's mannerisms and speech patterns. He even had a couple of segments where, just like on the TV show, we see him doing stand-up. The first routine is about the word "pornography" and this opens the movie, just like a short stand up segment would kick off the TV show.

The plot of Seinfeld: A XXX Parody (SX) revolves around The Porn Nazi instead of the The Soup Nazi. Evan Stone is almost unrecognizable in his wig and mustache as The Porn Nazi, and as usual he does great job with his characterization. It seems that The Porn Nazi always has the newest and best porn, but you must stand in line, tell him what type of porn you want and he will give you what he wants you to have. If you don't follow all of these rules....then...NO PORN FOR YOU! Of course Elaina doesn't follow these rules and she gets no porn. Gerry followed the rules and Elaina goes home with Gerry to watch his movie....cue sex scene. Elaina is played by the Latina porn star Kristina Rose and she looks somewhat like Elaine and in her non-sex parts in the movie does a good job with her characterization. However, during her sex scene, she doesn't come even close to staying in character plus she's very submissive and I always thought Elaine would be as forceful in bed as she was out of bed.

Elaina has become obsessed with the idea that she must get some porn from The Porn Nazi, but once again she gets turned down. The only way to get her hands on one of his tapes is go through his assistant, who promises she will reveal The Porn Nazi's distributor to Elaina...cue g/g sex scene.

Meanwhile Eric John who makes a very bad Crammer (not only in looks, but his acting is also very bad) is bored with his porn collection, but he doesn't want to give into The Porn Nazi. Crammer decides he will make his own movie and this leads to a scene with him wandering onto the set of a XXX movie in progress. They think he's the talent sent for the two girls who have already started the scene, of course, this works out fine for Crammer.

Crammer still wants to shoot his own movie and decides he can help spice up Gorge's (Steve Pomerants) love life at the same time by filming Gorge's fiance having sex. Gorge is excited about the prospect; however, his excitement soon ends when he finds out that Crammer's idea is to make the movie using a real porn star instead of Gorge. Of course, this really upsets Gorge, but nothing compared to later when he finds out that Norman has left Crammer's tape at The Porn Nazi's shop.

Meanwhile, in a nod to the episode where Jerry couldn't remember the name of the girl he was dating, we have Gerry's new girlfriend Ragina (in this XXX version we have Ragina/Vagina, in the TV version We had Dolores/Clitoris). Anyway, Ragina gets on Gerry's nerves because she is too orgasmic about everything and they have an argument and she leaves him. Ragina goes to straight to the The Porn Nazi's shop, but instead of renting porn from him, she winds up having sex with him.

The end of SX has Gerry doing a closing monologue just like the TV show, this one about big fake breasts. We get another nod to a Seinfeld episode when Cassandra Calogera demonstrates that her breasts are real and spectacular. This turns into a sex scene right there on stage in the club. This was a really bad way to close out the movie. As they would say on that SNL skit.. REALLY... REALLY... All the other sex scenes can fit into the plot, but you have to spoil the good work who've done on the plot by having the viewer assume that Gerry would have sex while the audience watched ....REALLY!!!

The set decoration of Gerry's apartment is top notch and looks pretty much like it did in the early episodes of Seinfeld. The laugh track on SX was really irritating, I don't know if it was too loud, the laughs weren't place properly or what, but it just got on my nerves. The sex scenes had too many close up shots to the point where it caused the LONG scenes to become even more boring....Come On! Lee Roy, at least let us see who's involved in the action! Once again, Lee Roy Meyers has only made a pretty good movie. It seems he's capable of getting some elements as good as you're going to see in these parodies. Unfortunately, there's always too many flaws in his movies for them to rate anything higher than above average and SX holds true, since I'm rating this one a B-

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody starring Sasha Grey, Kristina Rose, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Tony Desergio, Cassandra Calogera, London Keyes, Natalie Norton, Eric John, James Deen, Evan Stone and directed by Lee Roy Meyers

WHITE RABBIT

2010-07-25T20:26:00.000-07:00

I've seen movies like White Rabbit before, whether due to lack of funds OR overreaching their own talent, the director produces a movie that is cheap looking and shamefully dull. White Rabbit fits this criteria for me and I think it's probably due to a combination of the two. There's no doubt that there was very little money put into the production, evident by the cheap costuming and even cheaper set decorations. Michael Raven directed White Rabbit early in his career, and I think he just hadn't developed all the skills yet which would eventually allow him to make such modern greats as Love For The First Time, Perfect Match, and The Visitors and some lesser works like Black Widow and Watchers.

Allison (Sunset Thomas) is bored at her birthday party. When she blows out the candles on her cake and makes a wish, she is suddenly in another world with Eric Price who takes her to The Looking Glass Motel. At the motel, Allison eats some marmalade that causes her to hallucinate and Scotty Schwartz (Flick from The Christmas Story....YES, THAT FLICK!!, the one who got his tongue stuck to the light pole....THANKFULLY, his tongue doesn't get stuck to anything in this movie!!!) leads Allison around to what is basically a succession of different sex scenes. The worst scene being The Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum pair of women who are very sloppily painted red and blue. The marmalade eventually wears off and Alice...excuse me..Allison has one final sex scene with Eric Price who originally brought her to the motel.

Everything about this movie was B-A-D: the story, the costumes, the music, the sex scenes and the sets were all below average. I'm not sure who would like this movie...Golden Age fans would be disappointed in the storyline and lack of discernible parody, Modern Age fans would be disappointed in the lack of production and the sex scenes. Since I'm a fan of both categories, I used the FF button continuously throughout this movie, so I'm grading this one a D

White Rabbit starring Nina Hartley, Jill Kelly, Inari Vachs, Mia Smiles, Gina Ryder, Nikki Tyler, Julie Meadows, Sunset Thomas, Teri Starr, George Kaplan, T.T. Boy, Ian Daniels, Brian Surewood, Eric Price, Alec Metro and directed by Michael Raven

A FORMAL FAUCETT

2010-07-22T19:17:00.000-07:00

How bad is this movie...even the lead actress, Dorothy LeMay, has been quoted as saying; "She ran out of the theater crying after seeing her first film A Formal Faucett, she felt that it was a "disaster" because her voice was dubbed over with someone else's, and it "didn't make sense". She had worked on A Formal Faucett 18 hours a day for three days. The experience bothered her so much that she considered getting out of the business.

The idea for the movie and the fact that Dorothy LeMay was cast in the lead role was because she was supposed to be a lookalike for Farrah Fawcett. Below are photos of Dorothy and Farrah - I guess I could make some snide remark here, but I'll let you be the judge...maybe my eyesight is too good!!

As for the movie not making any sense, I'll have to agree with Dorothy there. The movie appears that it is going to be a spoof of Charlie's Angels: A Formal Faucett has a mysterious voice on the phone (Paul Thomas) giving call girls their assignments....yes, that's correct...not spy assignments....sexual liaisons assignments. And that's as close to anything resembling Charlie's Angels that you are going to see in this movie.

Here are the only notes I made when I watched A Formal Faucett: All the actors seem to be very uninspired. The lead actress is one of the worst porn actresses I have ever seen. Her only acting ability is rolling her eyes back in her head...actually it got to be funny watching her do this after a while. Thankfully, the movie is very short.

Ms. Lemay had done some loops previous to her appearance in this, her first feature film. I understand that she is lauded for some of her future work, none of which I have seen, and that she was even inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 1998. So, I'm guessing Dorothy improved after this first feature. As it is, considering what she thought of the movie, I don't think she would argue with my grade of F

A Formal Faucett starring Dorothy LeMay, Desiree Cousteau, Laurie Blue, Norma Jean, Guy Austin, Tina Austin, Paul Thomas and directed by Fred Lincoln

NOT REALLY The DUKES of HAZZARD

2010-07-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

When making these XXX parodies, there are a couple of things that help make the movie good or bad: the performers should have some resemblance to the actors they are portraying and the sets should look authentic. Unfortunately, Not Really Dukes of Hazzard (DOH) fails in both aspects.

The first scene has Bo (Bill Bailey, whose wig I think must have been attached to his hat) luring Alexis Texas' father (James Bartholet) away from the house so Luke can have sex with her. With his dark wig, Anthony Rosano playing Luke looks like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live, a turn-off in itself. This results in a 25 minute sex scene opening the movie, which in my opinion, is never a good idea with these XXX parodies. Even though Alexis keeps the scene interesting and actually remembers one time to stay in character and call Anthony "Luke". I'd already lost a lot of interest in the movie at this point. After they both get dressed, we hear the horn sound from the General Lee and Luke dashes out and hops in the car with Bo and we FINALLY arrive at the title sequence with James Bartholet doing the voice over as Waylon Jennings did in the original version. Bartholet is usually pretty reliable as a non sex actor, but he makes no effort to convince us that we are hearing Jennings voice. Hell, they probably could have gotten Shooter to do it if they had asked, since he's something of a wild child anyway.

The title includes a mild chase scene, which is looped to make it appear longer than it really was. At least we get to see one character that actually looked their part - The General Lee! I should note here that both Bill Bailey and Anthony Rosano have trouble during the movie either getting in or out of the welded shut doors of The General Lee, further taking away from any credence that you are watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Either a little practice OR the director doing re-shoots OR some closer editing could have easily solved this problem. But, when you're just cranking one of these parodies out (no pun intended), details seem to fall by the wayside.

Following the titles we get dialogue and a scene that are out of order: Enos (Dane Cross) reports that he has pulled over a woman driver, then we switch to the scene where NOW Enos is pulling over the driver (once again, sloppy film making or editing). Of course it's Daisy Duke (Ryder Skye), who actually sort of looks like Cathrine Bach - in the long shots - IF YOU SQUINT!! Needless to say, we're in for another 25 minute sex scene. Since there were lots of bad wigs in DOH, I can't point out anyone who got the worst one; however, Dane Cross was certainly given the worst costume, everything from his hat, to his badge, to his gun looked cheap and wrong, even his clothes didn't fit. As an added bonus, the combination of Dane Cross and Ryder Skye managed to produce one of the dullest sex scenes I have seen in a long time.

Daisy gets fired because having sex with Enos (to prevent a ticket) made her late for work again. But luckily! she can now enter the wet t-shirt contest Boss Hogg is putting on. Of course, since this is Boss Hogg, he has rigged the contest and has fixed it for Monique Alexander to win. We then cut to a sex scene already in progress between Monique and Cooter (Mark Wood, who looks like he chould be a brother of Dave and Phil Alvin from The Blasters). I haven't seen Monique in a while, but it appears she has been getting a lot of nice colorful tattoos since I last caught up with her. It was pretty obvious that the director, Anton Slayer, found Mark Wood lacking in the looks department, since his head rarely appears in the sex scene (that's the head on his shoulders I'm talking about). While Monique knows how to have a sex scene and has a great natural body, I still had to fast forward through another LONG scene.

I'm gonna sum up the rest of the movie, since even writing about DOH is boring me. Bo picks up Shawna Lenee, who has come into town for the contest...sex scene. Uncle Jesse gets arrested for making moonshine (with a milk can and a few pieces of pipe.....my award for worse moonshine still EVER!). Daisy has to distract Monique's father so Monique can be in the contest...sex scene...Daisy wins..Shawna is Cooter's wife...Uncle Jesse is freed from jail with funds Daisy won from the wet t-shirt contest.

There wasn't one actor in this movie that looked their part....Uncle Jesse (Carl Fredrick Coughlan) must have been cast because he had a gray beard and maybe he owned his own overalls! Rosco (Ray Marlay) looked too old for the part AND if they hadn't called him Roscoe, I don't think I would even have known who he was portraying. Boss Hogg (Allen Moffat) had a white suit and was fairly large, but couldn't act to save his life. The sets: It appears that several of the scenes took place at the same cabin, just different rooms or different locations on the outside of the cabin. The outdoor scenes could have been filmed anywhere and I suspect that some were in the cabin's driveway. Boss' place was super cheap looking (a stage and some folding chairs) and even Cooter's garage appeared to be just a large carport!

This was Vouyer Media's first foray into the world of porn spoofs. I was hoping that it would be their last, BUT, I see they have already done a parody of Taxi with Anton Slayer helming that project also. I had seen two Anton Slayer movies previously: This Ain't The Munsters (excellent) and This Ain't Gilligan's Island (terrible) giving him a 50 per cent batting average with me. Since I'm rating this one a D, Anton now rates 33 1/3 percent with me. I'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to his Taxi parody. I guess you say, "Mr. X-Ray, why not just don't watch it"......because I'M WEAK WILLED or WEAK MINDED, take your pick, when it comes to these porn parodies; I just can't help myself!!!

Not Really The Dukes of Hazzard starring Alexis Texas, Anthony Rosano, Monique Alexander, Shawna Lenee, Dane Cross, Ryder Skye, Mark Wood and directed by Anton Slayer

YAHOO!!! HILLBILLY PORN

2010-07-16T12:17:00.000-07:00

Being from The South, I'm used to how Hollywood productions sometimes portray us all as just a bunch of redneck hicks. And as a matter of fact, some of us are a bunch of redneck hicks! That's why it comes as no surprise when porn movies basically use the same cliches when making a movie set in Dixieland. Below is a trio of movies all using The South as a theme, all with varying degrees of success.

Carmen Goes South (CGS) is set in Texas, which if you ask anyone from The South, they'll be mighty glad to tell you that Texas AIN'T The South. For that matter, I'm pretty sure if you know anyone from Texas, they would tell you they're TEXANS, not SOUTHERNERS. Of course, if you're David Stanley from California, born in Minnesota, Texas probably seems like The South to you.

The humor in CGS was broad but written with a deft comic touch. CGS was lucky to also have the great comic XXX actor Steven St. Croix included in the cast, alongside Barrett Blade and David Stanley (non sex role, photo below) who both almost came up to St. Croix's level of wackiness. Carmen shines in her role as the titular character (I have yet to see a XXX feature in which she was anything but excellent). The other female performers: August, Ryder Skye, and Exotica all seemed to realize they were making a comedy and held their own with their male co-stars. As you know, this isn't always the case, since a lot of times a XXX movie will hinge on the males acting and the female performing.

A voice over by Randy Spears starts the movie letting us know that what we are seeing are tapes, ala Blair Witch Project, that were found after the whole crew disappeared. The movie then starts and we're shown that Carmen is such a diva that when she gets bored, she just orders her assistant Ryder Skye go down on her creating the first sex scene.

Carmen next meets the family of the winner of the "Win A Date With Carmen" contest, but not the winner himself. The family runs their own version of a backwoods sex industry and is helmed by David Stanley and includes August, Steven St. Croix, Barrett Blade and Exotica. There's also someone who looks like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre running around in the woods. We get a look at hillbilly phone sex (tin cans with string) which results in a sex scene between Exotica and Barrett Blade. It seems the family also has its own disco and we have a sex scene between Ryder Skye, Exotica, and Barrett Blade. This is a very annoying scene because of the disco lights constantly flashing into the camera. I won't give away the end of the movie, but there's a plot twist when Carmen finally meets the contest winner, Marcus London.

Carmen Goes South turned out to be on the level of one of Jonathan Morgan's comic XXX movies. And thankfully the sex scenes weren't the mind numbing long ones that I usually get to complain about. I'm no big fan of David Stanley; I can appreciate the fact that he does try to do something different when making XXX movies, but I have only seen one of his movies that I considered outstanding and it just happens to be Carmen Goes South. I grade this one A-

Next up is Hillbilly Honeys written and directed by Jace Rocker. I droned on for probably too long with the plot of Carmen Goes South, but I can actually sum up the plot to Hillbilly Honeys fairly succinctly: Two feuding families live on a mountain that is rich in uranium and the government needs to get both families to sign a lease, so they send Peter North, who is related to one of the families to get the job done. Hilarity ensues!.....and of course.....Sex ensues!

The humor and the acting in Hillbilly Honeys is the "over the top" cornball type, which is still funny, IF you're in the mood for it and I was. The accents are straight out of the "this is the way I think hicks talk" book, but that's WHEN the actors could remember that they were supposed to be doing an accent. Even the bad wigs and especially the beards are so stupid they're funny. Peter North was especially bad with his acting, I've seen him do much better, so I'm not sure what he was trying to covey with his flat line readings. The outstanding actor in the ensemble is Jonathan Morgan, who as we all know, went on to direct his own great comic XXX movies. Unfortunately, the sex scenes were all "by the numbers" with none generating much heat. Hillbilly Honeys didn't come anywhere close to matching Carmen Goes South, but it's still not a bad movie and I grade it C+

And last and certainly least: Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2. I have no idea why I rented this movie. I'm pretty sure I confused it with something else or maybe I was just having a brain cramp at the time. Anyway, Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2 was classified as a feature, but it should really be classified as a vignette, since there is just a bare minimum of a stupid plot that ties the scenes together. I rate this one a solid D

SLEEPING AROUND

2010-07-12T17:43:00.001-07:00

Stormy proves once again that she's a triple threat as she writes, directs and stars in the XXX romantic comedy Sleeping Around. This is a tale of two sisters: Stormy, a high powered business woman who's more interested in sex than love; and her sister Eva Angelina, a shy coffee shop employee who's more interested in love than sex.

Eva has a date with Randy Spears (in full slime ball mode) who with some smooth lines and light persistence talks Eva into bed. The next day Eva tells Stormy all about Randy and how she thinks he's the "one". Eva can't wait for him to call her again....needless to say, Randy ain't calling...as far as he was concerned, it was a one night stand. At the coffee shop, another waiter, Eric Masterson (in full geek mode) sees how despondent Eva is and jokingly offers to have Randy killed. It's pretty obvious that Eric has a big crush on Eva, but just like in any mainstream version of this type movie....she can't see it.

Stormy decides to take Eva out to a club to get her mind off Randy. At the club Van Damage offers to buy them drinks, but Stormy rudely brushes him off. In the meantime Eva has seen Randy leave the club with two other women, Haley Paige and Sammie Rhodes. Eva rushes out and follows him in her car. Stormy leaves the club to follow her sister, but finds she has a flat tire. Van offers to change it for her and we also find out that he's a doctor. While this seems to be an unimportant detail at the time, it plays into the plot later. Stormy agrees to give Van a ride home since she feels bad about how she treated him inside the club.

Back at Randy's, we find him using the same lines on his two new conquests that he used on Eva. Randy has talked Haley and Sammie into making out with each other, but the action is interrupted when he hears a knock at the door. It's Eva who has come to tell him off, but Randy just slams the door in her face. She winds up trying to drive home, but is so upset she just parks on the side of the road where she is found by Stormy and Van.

Sleeping Around skips ahead a month and we find Stormy and Van Damage in a relationship. He asks her to meet him at a restaurant where unbeknown to Stormy he is going to introduce her to his parents. Van Damage gets beeped for an emergency (see I told you, him being a doctor would come back into play), and while he's gone Stormy is hit on....by none other than....you guessed it....Randy Spears. She let's him take her back to her place, where Stormy uses the same moves Randy used on her sister. This makes Randy suspicious and he tries to get away from Stormy, but she forces him into her bedroom and handcuffs him to her bed. Stormy is dissatisfied with Randy's sexual performance and let's him know about it. Stormy leaves the bedroom and re-enters wearing a strap-on. Cut to next morning and Randy, laying on his stomach, is professing his love for Stormy, but she leaves him cold as revenge for her sister.

Stormy gets to tell Eva about exacting revenge for her and this helps Eva move on with her life. Eva finally recognized that Eric is the one for her and the final sex scene finds the two of them in his sci-fi bedroom with Eva showing up in costume to further Eric's sci-fi fantasies. Eric has a funny line here with "Houston, we have liftoff! This is just one of many funny lines throughout the movie showing Stormy's deft touch at writing light comedy.

Sleeping Around didn't break a lot of new ground for a romantic comedy, but Stormy was successfully able to use the same mainstream conventions within a XXX setting. Unlike most mainstream movies, there was a twist with Stormy's own life not working out with a "happy ever after" ending, When Van found out she had had sex with someone else, he dumped her, thus ruining her own relationship. Stormy's movies give a perspective not always seen in XXX features, that women are as powerful as men. It just so happened that the power that Stormy possessed wound up resulting in her own unhappiness. I rate this one a B+

Sleeping Around starring Eva Angelina, Stormy Daniels, Sammie Rhodes, Van Damage, Marcus London, Holly Wellin, Haley Paige, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Scott Styles and directed/written by Stormy Daniels

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

2010-07-08T15:44:00.001-07:00

The movie starts out on the wrong track for me. As I've stated over and over: People in porn watching porn on TV is just a cheating way to get another porn scene in the movie. This first scene shouldn't have surprised me since this is a David Stanley movie and it appears to be one of his favorite plot devices for inserting a sex scene.

The plot of What Are Friends For? finally gets to the point with Randy's wife (Jassie) telling him she want's him to give his sperm to a lesbian couple (Alana Evans and Courtney Simpson) so they can have a baby. Next scene up, the lesbian couple make Randy sit away from them and cover his face, because they can't stand to look at a penis. They give him a harmonica so they won't have to hear him moan. The lesbian couple proceed to have sex with Randy peeping at them and masturbating, all the while blowing his harmonica. This sounds like it would be really funny but it didn't do anything for me, I actually found it irritating to the point I was glad when the scene was over.

Meeting up with Randy in the kitchen, Courtney reveals that it's just Alana who can't stand to see a penis. To prove her point (?), this somehow winds up with her giving Randy a hand job. I will give Stanley credit for a this scene, a "hand job only" scene is outside what you normally see in any feature XXX production.

Nearing the last part of the movie. it picked up some steam, especially when the crazy homeopathic doctor played by Evan Stone shows up. Unfortunately this was the only part of What Are Friends For? that I found amusing. This leads to the final sex scene with Jassie, Alana, Courtney, and Evan and ends on a really STUPID note. To collect Evan's sperm Courtney holds a test tube in her mouth while Evan climaxes. Of course most of his spunk goes on her face and very little into the tube. Why not have Courtney, once again, use her hand and have Evan come into the test tube? Why didn't she just do that when she was with Randy? Why do I keep watching David Stanley movies, when I'm constantly disappointed??????
I rate this one a D+

What Are Friends For starring Alana Evans, Jassie, Courtney Simpson, Evan Stone, Randy Spears and directed by David Stanley

NOT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN XXX #2

2010-07-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

All the main players are back with Eric Swiss excellent as Al Bundy and Brittany O'Connell great in the role of Peg Bundy. To me, I still feel like Kagney Linn Carter and Dane Cross are not cast correctly as Kelly and Bud. I just never get the feeling I'm seeing Kelly and Bud like I do with Eric and Brittany's portrayals of Al and Peg. Much better in their characters are India Summer (who once again gets the bad porno parody wig) and Dino Bravo as next door neighbors Marcie and Steve.

The plot in Not Married With Children XXX 2 (NMC2) finds the Bundy family barely making ends meet. Luckily, Bud knows a girl that will get him the winning lotto numbers for $1,000. Al takes a chance and ponies up the money. Surprisingly the numbers are good and The Bundys win a million dollars. Al keeps his job at the shoe store, but he can now dole out money to the family freely....at least for a while....OH,COME ON NOW....You didn't actually think there wasn't going to be a hitch to his winnings did you?

This is a very well constructed movie, as I have come to expect from Will Ryder. The plot was just like one you would have seen on the TV show. The sets and the acting were both good and I laughed many times while watching NMC2. The sex scenes were in my opinion too long, but they were integrated into the plot and flowed with the story. My problem with NMC2 is that I got the feeling "been there, seen that". I'm rating it a B but I'm sure it would have rated higher, IF I hadn't already seen the first Not Married With Children XXX.

Not Married With Children XXX #2, starring Kagney Linn Karter, India Summer, Faye Reagan, Brittany O'Connell, Eric Swiss, Jessica Bangkok, Madelyn Marie, James Bartholet, Dino Bravo, Farrah Foxx, Barrett Blade, Scott Lyons, directed by Will Ryder and written by Will Ryder under the pen name Jeff Mullen

HAPPY 4th of JULY from MR. X-RAY

2010-07-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME

2010-06-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

The first Michael Raven movie I ever saw was "The Visitors" and it was great, but then I watched two more Michael Raven movies: "Black Widow" and "Watchers" and neither one impressed me very much. Since Love For The First Time was directed and written by Michael Raven, I was a little bit skeptical about renting it; but, I thought I would take a chance, since it starred two of my favorite adult actors: Carmen Hart and Randy Spears. To my surprise I found that Love For The First Time (LFFT) was one of the better XXX features I have viewed in quite a while.

The movie is loosely based on The 40 Year Old Virgin. LFFT opens with Randy Spears waking up alone in his bed and riding his bike to work. We know Randy is a nerd because he has repaired his glasses with tape (ok that's a really a cliched short hand way to identify a nerd). At work, we meet Randy's co-workers: chronic masturbator Mr Marcus and "wigger" Barrett Blade. Randy's two co-workers "out" him as a virgin and decide they will do some charity work by getting Randy laid. We also get the feeling that even though Mr Marcus and Barrett talk a good game of sex, a lot of it is just talk and they may not be as experienced as they want everyone to think.

LFFT cuts to Carmen Hart who is alone in her bed having a sex dream. It was refreshing that the movie had opened with plot and comedy instead of rushing right into a sex scene. This first sex scene is shot with a hazy look and only runs around 12 minutes (which most of the sex scenes do). What a relief to have sex scenes that didn't run into mind-numbing length. I would like to mention, without getting too "Sex In The City" on you, that Carmen wears a pair of spiked heeled boots in this scene and, I swear, I saw these same boots or similar ones on other performers throughout the movie.

The boys take Randy to a bar where Barrett, still trying to do good deeds, finds that you can't buy a man a drink or he'll think you're gay. This also sets the stage for us seeing Carmen Hart at work as the bartender. Barrett returns to the table and barmaid Ryder Skye comes over for their order. Mr Marcus is gobsmacked by her and can't say a word....and we see the sexual fantasy he is having about her.

The guys take Randy to a strip club where his path crosses once again with Carmen. Lindsey Meadows, Carmen's roommate, has also taken Carmen to the strip club with her. It's amateur night and Lindsey is going to show Carmen how to loosen up in hopes of getting Carmen laid.....it seems Carmen is also a Virgin! It should be noted that Lindsey plays a very understated role as the best friend/roommate and she's so good that you might not even notice that fact.

After a sex scene in the movie where the boys buy Randy a VIP lap dance that turns into a bj, the guys head out for a party and of course Carmen and Lindsey are at the same party. To Barrett's surprise, Lindsey is actually agreeable to having sex with him. He's stunned but tells her he'll have to stop by his place first to get his hair products. A sex scene then follows.

At the party, Randy follows the guys advice: make the girl feel uncomfortable, then he will be able to feel comfortable in any situation. This isn't working on Carmen and whens she tells Randy that he's making her uncomfortable, he apologizes and becomes himself. This leads to the duo dating for six months and Carmen finally having to tell Randy that she's ready to have sex. Carmen asks Randy if he has any protection and he pulls out a LARGE handful of condoms. As she goes off to get ready, there's a funny bit where Randy experiments with the rubbers. Carmen returns and we have a 20 minute sex scene, but since this is what the movie has been building up to, it seems logical to let this scene run on a little longer.

LFFT had great writing from start to finish, the plot made logical sense and the sex scenes fit into the flow of the movie and, as mentioned previously, weren't mind numbingly long. All the actors were way more than good in their roles and Barrett Blade provided the movie with a lots of comic moments. There's even a cameo by Ron Jeremy in a non-sex role, and while unnecessary for the movie, I seem to never tire of seeing The Legend. The only very slight problem I had with the movie was some of the music used an organ (no pun intended) that sounded like Ray Manzarek of The Doors was let loose to jam (which would never be a good idea), but even with that minor quibble I'm still rating this one a solid A

Love For The First Time, written and directed by Michael Raven and starring Mr Marcus, Carmen Hart, Ryder Skye, Lindsey Meadows, TJ Cummings, Abbey Brooks, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade

BIG BANG THEORY: A XXX PARODY

2010-06-27T10:54:00.000-07:00

It looks like Lee Roy Meyers is never going to be able make a parody as good as Will Ryder. I keep thinking that Lee Roy has it in him, but with each successive parody of his that I watch, Lee Roy appears to be unable to get it all together. Big Bang Theory: A XXX Parody (BBT) is no exception to the rule.

I watched the "party" version of BBT, which was almost two hours in length. This is only about 40 minutes shorter than the regular version. The other party versions I have watched clocked in around the 60 minute mark. It's a mystery to me why this party version is so long. There are no "pop shots" which is consistent with other party versions and I'm assuming the sex scenes are somewhat shorter; but most of the sex scenes in this version still clock in at the 20-25 minute mark, I can't imagine how long they must be in the original version.

The movie begins on a bad note as we find Leonard ( Joey Brass) imagining a slutty Princess Leia (Briana Blair). So instead of story, we immediately get the first sex scene. In a XXX porn feature, I think the normal audience for this type of film (which includes me) is interested in story with sex....NOT sex with story. Even though it was a pretty decent sex scene (that included one terrific camera shot from overhead), I had already hit FF a couple of times. I really shouldn't have been too surprised since Lee Roy often starts his parodies with this method of movie making.

Luckily, when we get to the story, written by Bensen Hearst, I found a very decent Big Bang plot with very sharply written lines that for the most part fit the characters. Whoever Bensen Hearst is could easily be a writer on the real CBS show, that's how good the writing is in BBT. It seems that Comic Con is going to be in town, but the guys didn't get tickets; however Leonard has made some counterfeit tickets on his computer. To see if they will pass for the real thing, they decide to go to the comic book store and show them to the other nerds (a plot point that was never played out). On the way out the door, they see their neighbor Penny (Ashlynn Brooke) bent over locking her door. This was very reminiscent of the CBS show where Penny always seems, for the most part, to be unaware of her sexiness (OR at least pretends to be). It should be noted that in BBT, Ashlynn had the same body language as Penny from the TV show. Either this was deliberate on Ashlynn's part and she should be commended OR it was just a darn lucky accident that Ashlynn deports herself in the same manner.

Penny has a couple of neighbor girls (Kristina Rose & Halie James) over to her apartment and I guess I don't have to tell you that they're not there to make a quilt! Little do the girls know that when Howard (Vin Vericose) was repairing Penney's computer he installed a camera he could hack into. "Luckily", for the movie, Penny must have the computer trained on her bed, since the guys are watching all of the action across the hall on their computer. I will have to say this was a very hot g/g/g scene for the first 3/4 of the scene. However, when the director started posing the trio (I assume, in order to get better shots for the camera), the FF button became my friend once again.

We next find Raj (Gabriel D'Alessandro) and Sheldon (Rocco Reed) in the cafeteria at work where they are wishing they could get access to a certain computer controlled by Leslie Winkle (Beverly Hills). She agrees to give them computer access, if they will have sex with her....which of course they do....right there in the cafeteria.....WTF, this was so unbelievable that it removed me from the story and made the whole scene uninteresting. Would it have been that hard to have them move to another set - i.e. an office or lab?

In the meantime, Howard has picked up a girl (Charley Chase) and taken her home. They are in his bedroom and just like on the TV show Howard's mother is yelling to "keep it down" and "no more sleepovers". Surprisingly, we never hear another peep out ouf his mother, despite all the noise that's made during the sex scene. This could have been a lot funnier scene, IF Howard's mother would have continued to yell at different intervals.

Penny skipped the first day of Comic Con. When the guys come home dressed in their costumes, they find Penny dressed in the costume that she plans to wear the next day. Penny then takes Leonard into her bedroom for the final sex scene, which is the end of the movie.

BBT had a laugh track that DID NOT fit. It sounded more like the laugh track from Three's Company or Not Married With Children with the audience "whooping" it up at regular intervals. Most of the sex scenes fit ok with the plot, with the exception of the cafeteria scene. The sex scenes were of course too long, but everyone seemed, more or less, to stay in character during their sex scenes and most of the scenes generated some heat.

Speaking of the characters, Sheldon is the character least like his TV counterpart. On the TV show, Sheldon is Super Nerd among the nerds. There probably could have been some great comedy mined from this fact if his character had been written a little more accurately. As it is, in BBT he just seems no different than the other three nerds. I personally think that they should have had Sheldon as a non-sex role, but as The Dude would say: "Hey Man..That's Just Like Your Opinion"

There really wasn't a weak actor among the cast (which is often the case), but Gabriel D'Alessandro, while not looking like Raj, had the performance that stood out as just a little bit better than everyone else's. I usually get to pick one person in these parodies who gets stuck with the bad wig, but the wig on Howard, pretty much looked like the bad hair that Howard has on the TV show. Although the plot was skimpy, it could easily have been a plot from the TV show (which is character driven anyway), and as I previously stated, the comic writing was great. Maybe someday Lee Roy will get everything right and move up to the level of Will Ryder, as it is, it looks like he must be comfortable with being a runner up. I rate this one a B-

Big Bang Theory: A XXX Parody starring Kristina Rose, Rocco Reed, Charley Chase, Ashlynn Brooke, Joey Brass, Beverly Hills, Vin Vericose, Halie James, Gabriel Dalessandro, Brianna Blair, directed by Lee Roy Meyers and written by Bensen Hearst

TRU: A XXX PARODY

2010-06-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't call Tru a parody of True Blood, instead I would call it a XXX reimagining of the original. The opening credits of the movie are very similar to True Blood's opening credits and set the scene for what I hoped was going to be a really good movie. Too bad that instead of getting to the story, we're jumped right to a long sex scene between Vanessa Naughty and Johnny Castle. This is obviously Lee Roy Myers' idea of how to open a movie, since he did the same thing in a couple of his other parodies that I have seen. At the end of the sex scene, Vanessa wants to know where Sookie Stackhouse is, when Johnny can't tell her, we hear a scream and see some blood spurting from his dead body.

Tru's next scene is between Sam (Evan Stone) and Sookie (Ashlynn Brooke). Sookie wants to get off work early to surprise Bill (James Deen) when he wakes up and Sam reluctantly agrees. Vanessa Naughty shows up in Sam's office and we now find out that she's Maryann. She wants to know where she can find Sookie, but Sam doesn't want to tell her. When Mary Ann goes into her vibration mode, which would cause Sam to shape shift (I only know this from watching the HBO series), he relents and says he'll tell her. Maryann is going to reward him with sex, but there's a scream from the parking lot. Sam realizes it sounds like Sookie and he rushes out to see what is wrong. SURPRISE! No sex scene.

Sookie has found someone dead inside a car and it will be revealed later that it's Lafayette, gay cousin of Tara (Misty Stone). We get a look inside the car when the cops arrive and we see Lafayette with his heart ripped out. Sookie promises Tara that she'll find out you killed Lafayette and she calls Bill to help her. Sookie tells him to come quick and in a funny bit, he arrives in a flash at super vampire speed and tells Sookie "he got there as quick as he could!".

Sookie and Bill go to see Eric (Bill Bailey) to see what they can find out. As I have mentioned many times, each XXX parody always has one person in a bad wig. Bill Bailey's wig looks like they just grabbed the first blond wig they could find and socked it on his head.

Cut back to the bar where Sookie's brother Jason (Levi Cash) has come to offer Tara his sympathies; but she gets mad when he starts talking about his support group and Misty gets to deliver the best line of the movie.....which I won't spoil here, but it includes Kayne West. Jason starts to leave but Tara tells him she doesn't want to be alone and you guessed it, this leads to the next sex scene. Misty Stone not only does a good job with Tara's accent and characterization, but also stays in character during the sex scene often referring to Levi as Jason.

Back at Eric's, Sookie is having trouble reading his mind. Which makes me have to say WTF.....didn't Ashlynn Brooke watch True Blood before writing this movie....Sookie CAN'T read vampires' minds, that's one of the reasons she is so attracted to Bill. Anyway, Sookie and Bill return to the bar and Sookie's not real pleased about what has gone on between Tara and Jason, but more importantly she wants to know what Jason has told the people in his support group. Before we get too much about the support group, Tru makes its next bad move with a flashback sex scene between Levi Cash and Gracie Glam, who are both high on "V" (vampire blood). There are only two explanations for this scene: forcing another sex scene into the movie OR someone just wanted to play with the color palette on their camera/editing machine (you'll have to watch the movie to see what I'm talking about). Either way, it grinds the storyline of Tru to a complete halt. It would have been better to have had the sex scene missed earlier between Sam and Maryann, at least it would have flowed with the story.

When we get back to the story of the support group, we find a couple of the women (Lana Violet, Lindy Lane) are very interested in Jason's story about buying vampire blood. The two women go to Eric's bar in order to find some V. Eric is astounded that they would ask a vampire directly for blood, but wants to know how they found out about V and he tells them that they'll have to answer a few questions as Shay Sights leads them to a red couch against a very black background (this made for a very dull set) and of course this starts as a g/g/g scene but Eric eventually joins the trio. After the sex scene, Eric finds out that Jason was the one who told them about V and then both girls are killed.

Back at Sam's bar, Jason finishes his flashback story and Sookie thinks Eric must be responsible for the death of Lafayette. Sookie goes alone to confront Eric. He tells her that he had wanted to kill Jason's source of V - Lafayette, but Lafayette was already dead when he got there. Eric is really into Sookie's mind reading and he's about to make her his, but as his fangs come out, Bill shows up and stops him. Sookie refuses to tell Eric where Jason is and Eric says there'll be a price to pay later.

Winding up the day (or night actually) Sookie and Bill take to her bed and we have the final sex scene. When Sookie wakes up the next morning, Bill is gone, but she hears a voice calling "Sookie, Sookie, Sookie" (could it be John Kay? - if you don't get that reference, too bad, it amuses me). She thinks Bill might be in trouble and goes to investigate and finds out it's actually Maryann using Bill's voice. She tells Sookie that she's the one who killed Lafayette and that she is now going to kill her. Maryann dips her hands into the dirt and comes up with claws instead of hands. This is true to the HBO series, where Maryann did a similar thing. Sookie makes a run for the woods as Maryann chases her. When Sookie falls, both women hear something coming towards them, while Mary Ann is distracted, Sookie takes a log and runs it through Mary Ann killing her. If you watched True Blood on HBO, you would know that this wasn't possible and is the second biggest mistake in the plot. We then find out what was rushing toward them was a dog, which morphs into Evan Stone! This is the end of movie and looks like the set up for a sequel, which I would definitely watch.

A lot of this plot may or may not sound confusing if you have never watched True Blood on HBO. Since I've watched all of the True Bloods (we're big vamp fans here at the House of X-Ray), the plot basically made sense to me. I think Ashylnn Brooke, who is credited as the writer, did a pretty good job of condensing most of the plots from the first two seasons of True Blood. IF, she had only paid a little more attention to some details and not gotten a couple of major plot points wrong, this would have been a great script. With those few plot flaws, the first long sex scene, the let's play with colors sex scene, and the red couch sex scene.....you know, after I think about it, most of the sex scenes pulled Tru down. So, I'll grade Tru this way: Sex Scenes: C- , Plot: B+, Average: B-

Tru: A XXX Parody starring Ashlynn Brooke, Misty Stone, James Deen, Shay Sights, Johnny Castle, Ralph Long, Gracie Glam, Lana Violet, Bill Bailey, Lindy Lane, Levi Cash, Vanessa Naughty, Evan Stone, Shane Diesel, written by Ashlynn Brooke and directed by Lee Roy Meyers.

THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX #2 The Butterfly Effect

2010-06-13T13:41:00.000-07:00

I've seen one terrible Axel Braun movie - Letterman's Nailin' Palin and one very good Axel Braun movie - This Ain't Star Trek XXX. Considering that sequels are hardly ever as good as the original, I knew that watching This Ain't Star Trek XXX - 2 (ST2) would be taking a chance on seeing another bad porn parody. Surprisingly, while it didn't live up to the first Star Trek parody, it wasn't totally bad......but it also wasn't totally good.

Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk beam down to the planet Butterfly 8 to investigate a missing mining vessel. The trio are captured with Captain Kirk (Evan Stone) being separated from Bones (Cheyne Collins) and Spock (Tony DeSergio). Two creatures come to interrogate Bones and Spock, Bones tells them that he's just a doctor and that Spock has all the info they might need. The two creatures take off their heads and we see they're actually two babes (Kagney Linn Karter and Madison Scott), who continue to take off stuff until their butterfly wings (cheap ass looking cardboard) are revealed. Looks like Bones has messed up, since now he has to sit in the corner while Spock has sex with the two maidens. From what I could understand, having sex is the way they drain the information from their opponents. Why Spock was susceptible to their charms, I can only guess it was "The Butterfly Effect", otherwise, this is quite illogical.

Back on the Enterprise, Sulu (Keni Styles) and Checkov (Joey Brass) are concerned that they can't contact the landing party. They also can't get a hold of the senior officer on board, Scotty (Anthony Roasano). The reason, they can't get Scotty is he's busy having sex with Uhura (Jada Fire). Conveniently, they find Scotty and Uhura just as they finish their sex scene! Scotty asks them to keep this quiet and he'll beam them down to find the landing party. Scotty is still distracted thinking about Uhura and accidentally beams Sulu and Checkov to 1963, where they find President Kennedy (Johnny Castle) having sex with Marilyn Monroe (Alexis Texas), the night before he is supposed to leave for Dallas.

Ok, this scene really didn't have anything to do with the rest of the movie, but if you remember the original Star Trek, they sometimes interacted with past historical characters. Anyway, Sulu and Chekov hide and watch Kennedy and Marilyn have sex. This actually turned out to be the best sex scene in the movie. Johnny Castle made a terrible Kennedy and his accent wasn't even close, BUT, Alexis made a great Marilyn in the white dress from "The Seven Year Itch", which she keeps on during the whole scene. Alexis also maintains her character talking to the President in her Marilyn voice throughout the whole scene, occasionally calling him Mr. President. Alexis really made this scene stand out and definitely brought some heat to the movie.

After the sex scene, Sulu and Chekov warn the President not to go to Dallas the next day because he will be assassinated. In a "You Can't Change History", we learn later, that even though Kennedy didn't go to Dallas, he was still killed the next day by Jackie, when she caught him with Marilyn.

Sulu and Chekov finally get beamed to the correct place and are immediately captured by Jennifer Dark, resulting once again in a sex scene. How will the crew get out of their predicament? I'll let you watch the movie and find out, but I will tell you, in case you haven't noticed, Captain Kirk has been missing since he was captured at the first of the movie. When ST2 finally gets back to him, we find him in the bedroom of The Queen of Butterfly 8 (Kimberly Kane)

It seemed to me that the plot of ST2 was awfully thin and was just sandwiched between very l-o-n-g sex scenes that didn't flow very good with the story. In other words, the story existed to get to the sex scenes, rather than the sex scenes existed because of the story. Besides Johnny Castle's terrible Kennedy accent, several other actor/performers also wavered with their accents throughout ST2. As far as characterization, only Evan Stone as Kirk, Anthony Roasano as Scotty and Alexis Texas as Marilyn seemed to understand their roles and made the effort to have constant accents. Taking into account all of the above, I rate this one a C+

This Ain't Star Trek 2: The Butterfly Effect starring Alexis Texas, Jada Fire, Anthony Rosano, Kimberly Kane, Kagney Linn Karter, Tony de Sergio, Johnny Castle, Jennifer Dark, Madison Scott, Joey Brass, Keni Styles and directed by Axel Braun

WRITER'S BULLPEN

2010-06-09T11:37:00.000-07:00

The first scene of the movie we see is one that is supposed to have been written by Tommy Gunn and Chris Cannon. It's a milkman (Mr. Pete) delivering milk to Alexis Texas, and as usual in a XXX movie, the milkman delivers a lot more than milk. The owner of the movie company is fed up with such bad scripts Tommy and Chris have been turning in, like the milkman scene; so he brings in his top contract star, Kaylani Lei, who is going to show them how to write a decent XXX script. The trio then plows through different ideas for stories. These story ideas are visualized and set up as the subsequent sex scenes in the movie.

Kaylani first writes a caveman scene starring herself with Rocco Reed. This is followed by Kagney Lynn Karter in an outer space scene with Kagney bringing two cavemen ( Anthony Rosano & John West) aboard her spaceship. Events continue to get mixed together as two cowboys (Tommy and Chris) meet up with cavewoman Kaylani, which is followed by a final scene in a lab with a scientist (Chris Johnson) with Alektra Blue and Kaylani Lei.

While some of those scenes sound like they might be fun to watch, the humor is always the forced over the top "look how funny we can be" type. The use of really cheap sets for each of the scenes is used to further illustrate how clever they are and that they know they're writing schlock. The trouble is, nothing struck me as really funny and the cheap sets just looked.....well, Cheap! Jonathan Morgan comedy XXX movies are usually great productions with lots of laughs and good acting; but in the case of Writer's Bullpen, he just made a movie as bad as the ones he's lampooning. I've seen worse comedy porno movies, but not many, I'm rating this one a D and I probably would have rated it even lower, but since it was short (89 minutes) I moved it up a grade.

Writer's Bullpen starring Alektra Blue, Alexis Texas, Kaylani Lei, Kagney Linn Karter, Anthony Rosano, Rocco Reed, Chris Johnson, Tommy Gunn, Chris Cannon, Mr Pete, John West and directed by Jonathan Morgan

WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO?

2010-06-07T14:37:00.000-07:00

This movie had a couple of things going for it from the start with the combination of Stormy Daniels, one of the best light comedy actresses in XXX movies today, and Jonathan Morgan, one of the best XXX comedy directors. If What's A Girl Gotta Do? didn't contain hardcore sex scenes, but instead was an R rated movie, I think it would fall into the category of a "Madcap Sex Romp".

Stormy is up for a big promotion at work and is going to throw a dinner party to impress her boss, Randy Spears. Stormy has invited people to her party who she considers to be important and/or interesting. She thinks once her boss meets these people, he will be so impressed with her "crowd", he will have a higher opinion of her. As Stormy tells us about each of her guests we meet them and this sets up, for the most part, a sex scene. When the movie FINALLY gets to the actual party, Jonathan Morgan shines with his comedic story telling and Stormy shines with her adept feel for light comedy.

As the guests start to arrive at the party, everywhere you look things are starting to go pieces: VooDoo has thrown his back out while having sex and he's lying naked on the bathroom floor; the caterers have canceled at the last minute; unexpected guests are showing up; and on top of all that, the boss is thinking about skipping out early.

Everyone in What's A Girl Gotta Do? does a good acting job, there wasn't a weak actor in the cast. The person that really surprised me was VooDoo, who carries off the comic bit about his back being out, that rivals the "madcapness" you usually only see coming from Stephen St. Croix or Eric Masterson.

There's a lot of great one-liners in What's A Girl Gotta Do? included in the great comedic situations. My only complaint (other than too many boob jobs) would be that the first part of the movie was close to a vignette style, with only very short bits of dialogue, followed by long sex scenes; while the last part of the movie was a great comedy with just a couple of sex scenes. Too bad the comedy and the sex couldn't have been more evenly spaced. I rate What's A Girl Gotta Do? a B+

In what is really an "extra scene", the credits are interrupted by Eric Masterson, asking if we want to see him get his freak on. This was a pretty good way to include another sex scene in What's A Girl Gotta Do? without using some hackneyed plot device (i.e. watching a porn movie on TV in the movie) to force another scene into the plot.

What's A Girl Gotta Do? starring Nicole Sheridan, Stormy Daniels, Voodoo, Kelli Tyler, Rita Faltoyano, Alexis Malone, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Steven St. Croix and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

NAKED ILLUSIONS

2010-06-05T16:03:00.000-07:00

When I saw the great artwork on the front of this box and saw that Naked Illusions was directed by Randy Spears, written by Cash Markman, and starred Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Eric Masterson, I was sure this was going to be a great movie. Well, I was half right!

Brad Armstrong plays a magician who has written a bestseller exposing the secrets of magic. He is performing at a club with his assistants Devon Michaels and Carmen Hart. Eric Masterson is his agent and is having an affair with Brad's wife, Katie Morgan. While Brad is performing his act on stage, Katie and Eric have sex backstage and I have to say that this was the most uninspired sex scene I have ever seen Katie perform. During part of his disappearing act on stage, Brad sneaks backstage and kills Katie while Eric is in the shower. Although, I'm somewhat a fan of Katie's, I wasn't disappointed to find she wouldn't be in the rest of the movie, since not only her sex scene was bad but her acting was also leaving something to be desired. Brad thinks he has an ironclad alibi and he plans to pin the murder on Eric.

Devon Michaels, Brad's number one assistant, has been having an affair with Brad and once the duo arrive back at Brad's, they of course celebrate by having sex. Brad next goes to see Eric's wife, August Night, and hypnotizes her by having her look in a glass of wine. If that sounds stupid, then watch the movie, because it is STUPID. While he has her under his spell he convinces her that her husband, Eric, really did kill Katie. Brad decides to have sex with August and has her imagine someone from her past that she has always been hot for. We then get a sex scene between August and Seth Dickens.

Up to this point in Naked Illusions I was pretty disappointed in the movie. The plot was just so-so and Brad Armstrong, never the best actor in XXX to begin with, was really weak in his role. I think Brad was trying to appear super egotistical, which would have fit with his character; instead he came off as just overacting. Whatever the problem, he was really pulling the movie down. I kept thinking, why didn't Randy cast himself in this role, he would have been perfect for it.

I was determined to continue watching what I was starting to consider a really poor choice in my rental selection, when the movie turned itself around. What caused this sudden switch, I can only think it was the result of one person - Carmen Hart.

Brad sends his assistant Carmen off with Van Damage as some extra compensation for Van Damage signing Brad to a Vegas contract. Van Damage remarks that he doesn't know how this happened and thinks Brad may have hypnotized him. Since Carmen tells Van Damage that Brad always gets what he wants, we have to assume he's been hypnotizing lots of people. This probably also includes us viewers, since the magic tricks Brad performs are juvenile level tricks that really aren't very convincing for the great magician he's supposed to be. Carmen brings some heat to her sex scene, which is good, since all the previous ones in Naked Illusions had just been your standard "by the numbers" scenes.

Carmen's up again in the next scene as she confronts Brad and tells him that she knows how he killed his wife. We then see a flashback explaining how he did it. She promises not to turn him in IF she can go back to being his number one assistant, get a raise, and they can be "bad" together. HEY! It looks like she's pretty easy to please! So Brad goes along with her. This results in another sex scene which is almost, but not quite as good as Carmen's other scene.

Brad decides to double cross Carmen and he's going to kill her onstage during a "sword through the box trick", but the detective who has been on the case from the start and has always doubted Brad, catches on in the nick of time and arrests him. In a funny moment (probably the only "intentionally" humorous moment in the film), Carmen is inside the box yelling "I'll tell everything" and "let me out". No one lets her out and the last we see of her are her eyes peeking out a slit in the box and she's still yelling over and over for somebody to please get her out.

Brad is in jail, but the very end of the movie leaves some doubt in the viewers mind that he may escape the clutches of the law, OR they were setting up for a sequel, which thank goodness never occurred.

Carmen Hart brought a "double whammy" of being a good actress in her role and a good performer in her sex scenes, both together really helped save this movie from turning into a real clunker. I have yet to see any movie where she has not been excellent in both her acting and performing, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that that trend continues.

Naked Illusions was touted as being Randy Spears first direction job for Wicked and was made a year before his excellent Off The Air. I will give Randy credit for having huge chunks of plot between the sex scenes, a nice touch. Plus, the sex scenes while long, for the most part, weren't mind numbingly long, another nice touch. In my opinion, this was the worst scripted Cash Markman movie I've ever seen. The main reason for this, I believe, is that Cash is better at writing comedy than he is at writing drama. As they say in The Big Lebowski (the real one, not that travesty of a porn parody) - " You're Out of Your Element, Donnie (Cash)"

Rating: first half: D ..... Second half: B ..... Average: C

Naked Illusions starring Van Damage, Devon Michaels, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Seth Dickens, August Night, Eric Masterson, Brad Armstrong and directed by Randy Spears

MODEL BEHAVIOR

2010-06-03T13:52:00.000-07:00

There are two storylines in Model Behavior. One storyline is about Stormy Daniels and the escort service she operates. This part of Model Behavior is used to set up a series of vignettes as different girls are sent to meet different clients. I was not very enthused with this sparse plot line and almost stopped watching. Luckily the other storyline held my interest just enough to keep me watching. This second storyline is about Stormy being stalked by a former lover, who has just gotten out of jail and blames Stormy for putting him there.

A very small bit of the stalker plot is revealed between each of the vignettes, but the stalker storyline really doesn't get rolling until the last fifteen minutes. Once the stalker (Randy Spears) finally appears in a very well directed and acted scene, the suspense really picks up and the movie kicks into high gear. It made me really want to see how things would work out in the end. Unfortunately, the box cover gives too big of a hint about the ending; however, there are still some events that will play out a little differently than you expect. I won't say any more, for those who wish to see Model Behavior and don't won't the ending completely spoiled.

Randy Spears is, as I've stated before, one of the better actors in today's XXX movies. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary with his direction of the movie, except for the one scene mentioned above; but he also wrote the movie, and even if the plot was reminiscent of some mainstream movies, I found it novel for a XXX feature. It's too bad that Model Behavior didn't build the suspense throughout the whole movie, instead of just getting tacked on at the end.

Stormy always carries her own in any movie she appears in, that's one of the reasons, besides her sex appeal, she's one of the top female actor/performers around today. Model Behavior was no exception to the rule, since Stormy was excellent in her dramatic scenes.

It's too bad that 90 minutes of Model Behavior was for the most part wasted on me (very little plot, uninspired sex scenes, fake boobs, nothing that I'm looking for in a feature XXX movie). This would normally cause a rating of at best a D, but the last 15 minutes of Model Behavior deserves an A, so I'm going to average this one out to a solid C.

Model Behavior starring Stormy Daniels, Rocco Reed, Tanya James, Kayla Paige, Randy Spears, Charisma Cappelli, Jack Vegas, Brad Armstrong, Eric Masterson and written and directed by Randy Spears.

The SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY

2010-05-31T12:31:00.000-07:00

Anthony Rosano and Kimberly Kane play Mulder and Scully and just as Eric Swiss made the perfect Al Bundy and Rachel Love made the perfect Kitty from The 70s Show, Kimberly Kane was obviously born to play Scully.

I'll skip over the opening scene, since it has a little bit of a twist, but after that scene The Sex Files has the opening credits, including theme music, that are very reminiscent of the original X-Files.

We find Mulder bored and throwing pencils into the ceiling of his office, just as he did on X-Files. Thankfully Mulder and Scully get an assignment - There has been a rash of killings in Los Angeles which have some similarities to ritual and/or Satanic murders and this requires the expertise of Mulder and Scully. After getting their assignment, they leave and we are treated to our first sex scene. The boss summons his secretary and they have sex. How inventive, don't think I've ever seen that......... except for about 100 times.

At the crime scene, we are shown a pretty decent F/X corpse, but then the scene is ruined when a very white sheet with markings was supposedly removed from the victim's body and we are told it was stuffed all the way down to his stomach....doubtful, unless the victim had the cleanest innards of anyone known to man. But Mulder decides this is a sex magic case, and he's off and running. This scene is then followed by Mulder and Scully driving in their car while Mulder advances the plot with some information about the British Occultist Alistair Crowley, and also about Lillith, the Biblical Adam's first wife, who is now an evil demon bitch.

Later that night, Mulder is alone in his room and decides he wants a pizza. Not being able to get Scully to answer, he walks into her room to see if she wants something to eat and finds her coming out of the shower completely naked. Yay! Fanboys shriek in delight...finally Scully nude. Well not actually Scully, but Kimberly Kane looks so much like her with the red wig, who wants to split hairs (pubic or otherwise). After Mulder takes a good long look and is told she has already eaten, he returns to his room. Later that night, we see Mulder watching porn on his TV and here comes the next sex scene in the movie. Wow, how inventive, inserting a porn movie into a porn movie, don't think I've ever seen that...... except for about a 100 times.

The next day Mulder and Scully go see Andrew Barsons (Ralph Long), since he is the supposed leader of a group that is into sex magic, which Barsons denies. Ralph Long drags this scene and the later scene he is in down with his non-acting ability, plus he seems to have the same effect on Mulder and Scully, since all three appear to be reading from cue cards at this point in the movie. Later that night Mulder and Scully go back and examine Barsons' house and find definite clues that prove Barsons was lying and that he does still head up the group.

Next up is a nightclub scene with Audrey Bitoni and Evan Stone on the prowl for an extra woman to take home. They enter the club and since we see no one else around, I either assume that the club has just opened or that this is just a suck-ass club. But as luck would have it (or as twisting the plot to fit would have it) Lilith (Ashlynn Brooke) is there and comes up to Bitoni and Stone and they start having sex right away. Good thing there's not anybody else in the club or this might draw a crowd! But at least our old friend folding chair, who from now on I will call Porno Folding Chair or PFC, as last seen in the elevator in Missionary Position Impossible (click here for review), is in the back ground and we know PFC will be seeing some action before this scene is over. Needless to say, Audrey and Evan wind up dead, as the next scene shows us Mulder looking at two bloody sheets with bodies underneath, which are now outside the club for some odd reason (maybe the light was better for filming!).

At the autopsy, Scully finds that Evan's heart was taken from his body, the word "Fox" carved into it and then it was replaced back into Evan's body. While Scully has been doing the autopsy, Mulder has gone back to Barsons and we find that he has been drugged and tied up - SPOILER ALERT - Scully gets there just in time to save him. After the rescue, we are then treated to another Ralph Long scene as he explains everything that has been going on. This results in a flashback orgy scene..gee, a flashback to insert a sex scene, I've never seen that..... except for about 100 times. The orgy scene is followed by the final non sex scene in The Sex Files and I won't reveal it for those who haven't seen the movie, but there is a morph scene here with F/X equal to any non-XXX production you will most likely see. I even rewound the movie at this point to look at the scene again to see if I could tell how they did it.

After reporting back to headquarters, Scully and Mulder go their separate ways. Mulder comes over to Scully's later that night and tells her he's always bummed out and thinking about his sister (this refers back to the original series) but he has thought over what is really important to him. This leads to (Fanboys start shrieking) Mulder and Scully having sex. Ok, once again, it's not really Scully, but who wants to split red hairs!

I thought this was one of the better XXX takes on a regular TV show, since the characters and the plot both remained true to the original spirit of The X-Files. The direction and writing by Sam Hain was top-notch and I hope to see his name attached to some future projects. Sure there's some hackneyed plot points that are used in order to get a couple of the sex scenes inserted, but they mainly stand out because the rest of the movie is so well plotted; and even taking into account Ralph Long's bad dramatic acting ( his sitcum acting is much better), he mainly stands out since everyone else does such a good job, so it's easy to rate this one an A-

The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody starring Aurora Snow, Anthony Rosano, Charley Chase, Audrey Bitoni, Kimberly Kane, Ashlynn Brooke, Ralph Long, Gracie Glam, Pike Nelson, Jackie Daniels, Angelica Raven, Evan Stone, Rod Fontana and written and directed by Sam Hain

PIPE DREAMS

2010-05-30T10:57:00.001-07:00

Take a pinch of David Stanley (the writer) and a pinch of Paul Thomas (the director) add in some Manuel Ferrara and Janine (the actors) and what do you get? One Hell of A Bad Movie.

The first two sex scenes in Pipe Dreams revolve around Manuel doing plumbing jobs. In the first scene there's a couple having sex almost right next to Manuel (there was a curtain dividing them). Guess they had to do something to pass the time while the plumbing was being fixed. The next scene finds Manuel doing a plumbing job at an S/M club and the owner can't pay him, so he lets Manuel watch some kinky sex. Usually in a porno it's the plumber who is having the sex, but I guess David Stanley and Paul Thomas really wanted to show how creative they are and turn the story upside down. (That last sentence is NOT to be taken seriously.)

Manuel's brother Paul Thomas makes XXX movies (wow, what a casting choice, wonder how he got that part). Yes, you read correctly, for some strange reason, Paul and Manuel are brothers, even though Manuel has an accent that you can barely understand.... maybe they're foster brothers.... or maybe they're soul brothers...no I don't think that could be it.....hell, just make up your own reason, since there's no logic behind it and I'm tired of thinking about it. Anyway, Manuel wants to meet a woman and the brothers come up with a plan for a fake porn movie. Manuel will do the casting and that will allow him to meet women. Oh yeah, let's not forget that Manuel also has to write the script for the movie. Hey! Manuel just write down all the things you have seen as a plumber....the script will be done in no time.

Manuel's first audition is going to be Janine, even though Paul Thomas doesn't think she can act. Before she arrives at the fake casting, Paul and Manuel watch a tape of Janine. I'm sure this had to be in the script, since it is a recurring (and cheating in my opinion) way that David Stanley includes a sex scene in a movie without having to write plot. Manuel and Janine really click with each other, plus the script that Manuel wrote turns out to be so good that Paul decides to really shoot the movie.

Manuel finds out that Janine is on the kinky S/M side and Pipe Dreams takes a turn to this kinky side for the rest of the movie. I've read that Pipe Dreams was a take on a Japanese horror movie, so I'm guessing that what happens to Manuel near the end of the movie is the horror part....the horror part for me was sitting through an hour and half of this lousy movie. I rate this one a solid D

Pipe Dreams starring Melissa Lauren, Justine Joli, Austin Kincaid, Venus, Janine, Paul Thomas, Sofia Sandobar, Manuel Ferrara, Jerry, Steven St. Croix and directed by Paul Thomas.

RENDEZVOUS

2010-05-28T15:22:00.000-07:00

I haven't had much luck with David Stanley movies. While nothing has been bad, I've only seen one (Carmen Goes South) that I felt was anything more than average. Rendezvous is no exception, but it does have some of the better adult actors involved in the production: Carmen Hart, Randy Spears, and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous begins with Randy Spears going on a business trip and we find that he is married to Jamie Huxley, who cares nothing for Randy. When Randy arrives at his hotel (which appears to be in some Third World Country), he is greeted by Eric Masterson, an insane desk clerk. Eric Masterson shows us he can get his crazy on with the best of them (i.e. Steven St. Croix). At first Eric tells Randy that he doesn't have a room for him, but eventually agrees to give him a room.

Randy can't get his wife on the phone and we see that she is busy having sex with Barrett Blade. Randy falls asleep and dreams that a lovely woman is rubbing her feet and legs all over him. Much to his surprise, when he awakes he finds Carmen Hart is in his bed. It seems that this is her room and she freaks out finding Randy in her bed and kicks him out.

Randy tries to deal with the insane desk clerk again but only gets sent back to share the room with Carmen, who for some reason, now doesn't object. On his return to the room, Randy finds Carmen is watching a porno on the TV and he watches along with her. This is a porn plot that I always consider a cheating way of inserting another sex scene in the movie without using any plot and I have seen David Stanley use this in some of his other movies.

The plot of Rendezvous really started to bog down to me at this point, since it turned mainly into a succession of sex scenes: The next morning when Randy awakes he finds Carmen having sex with the maid, when they move to the bed, Randy leaves for the dining room; in the dining room Randy sees another couple getting hot and heavy with each other and he leaves (only in pornos do people have sex in a dining room occupied by other people......unless I've just been going to the wrong restaurants); then after that sex scene finishes, next up is a sex scene between Carmen and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous finally gets back on track and turns itself into a romance between Carmen and Randy. The movie has a little bit of a twist ending, which I won't reveal here. I did enjoy the movie, but a lot of that had to do with having three strong XXX actors who were able to carry a humorous but weak and flimsy plot. I grade this one a C

Rendezvous starring Mika Tan, Talon, Carmen Hart, Joanna Angel, Stephanie Tripp, Jamie Huxley, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Chris Cannon, Barrett Blade and directed by David Stanley

SHAGNET

2010-05-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

This movie was made in 2001 before the current new wave of parodies and Shagnet illustrates the right way to make a XXX spoof/parody unlike some of the newer stabs at this genre. While doing some research on Shagnet, I found some evidence that Joe Thursday was also a character in "Pleasureville" and that Thursday and Blannon were also in "Desperately Seeking Shay". Unfortunately, I have not seen either of those two movies and cannot confirm those facts. However, both of those movies were also directed and written by Cash Markman, so it appears those facts are probably correct.

Shagnet begins just like Dragnet with a voice over by Joe and a view of the Los Angeles City Hall. It's 1970 and inside City Hall we find Joe Thursday (Steve Austin) and Officer Blannon (Anthony Crane) as they are being given their assignment to crack down on the porn films being made in the San Fernando Valley. It seems that in the past year, 12 porn movies have been made. Joe and Blannon's Captain tells them if this doesn't stop, by 2001 they could be making up to 50 porn movies a year.

Joe and Blannon are sent to investigate a complaint that has been made by Ward and June Bluepecker (Mike Horner and Elizabeth X). They have been hearing peculiar noises coming from next door. The gag in the movie is that Mike and Elizabeth are watching Shagnet on TV. They can see the cops arriving at their house and walking up to their door. Joe and Blannon investigate next door and find Cash Markman shooting a porn. Since the Bluepecker's are still watching Shagnet on their TV, they can see the porn scene that is being shot and we get two sex scenes here, one of the porn shoot and one with Ward and June, who have gotten hot from watching the action on their TV.

The pornography laws are weak and Joe and Blannon don't see any way they can arrest anyone for anything. Later, they decide to return to the house where the porn movie is being shot, but are denied entry without a warrant. They sneak around back and peek over the fence to watch another porn shoot happening outside. This scene is between a war protester (Evan Stone) and the Governor's wife (Jewel De'Nyle). Give Evan credit, since during the sex scene he tries to stay in character saying something that would fit with the scene; however, it's obvious from the odd reaction that Jewel gives him that she doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. Joe and Blannon still don't see anything that occurs during this scene that they think they can arrest anyone for, so they decide to try another tactic.

Joe and Blannon go undercover and dress as a couple of women and arrive at the porn set. At the set, they are sent to make-up and advised to apply it heavily. Joe gets a sex scene here dressed as a woman and we have to assume that his partner (Angelica Sin) just thinks he's a she/male. The funny touch comes at the end of this scene where a new performer named Ron Jeremy (remember this is suppose to be 1970) is told he needs to do a dirty hard anal scene. Ron mistakenly thinks they mean Joe, who is still dressed as a woman and Joe gets nailed from behind by Ron.

Back at the station Joe and Blannon have brought in Sunshine Love (Kate Frost) for questioning. Joe has to leave the room and rush to the bathroom, since after his anal probe from Ron he's been having a lot of trouble with his rear end. While he's gone Blannon has a sex scene with Kate, but Joe returns and breaks up the sex (no pop shot here), still Blannon states that having sex with the hippie was "groovy".

The cops finally get a stronger law and are able to bust the pornographers. Shagnet ends just like TV's Dragnet, showing what the porn people were convicted of and their sentences. Then the arm bangs "Mark Cashman" into the screen instead of "Mark VII"

Shagnet had a logical plot from start to finish, the sex scenes flowed with the story and there were a lot of really funny lines. Steve Austin and Anthony Crane understood their parts and did a great job as Joe and Blannon. They had the clipped talk, nodding at each others dialogue, and the stick up the butt walk down perfect. Shagnet also went the extra mile by placing some older cars on the street in order to make you believe it was 1970. The weakest part of Shagnet was the sex scenes, but I'm still grading this one an A-

Shagnet starring Angelica Sin, Bridgette Kerkove, Cash Markman, Elizabeth X, Jewel De'Nyle, Kate Frost, Alec Metro, Anthony Crane, Evan Stone, Frank Buckwyd, Mike Horner, Steve Austin, Ted Hunter, Ron Jeremy and directed/written by Cash Markman

CHEERS: A XXX PARODY

2010-05-18T15:51:00.000-07:00

I had decided that among all of the sitcum directors, Lee Roy Myers movies were never up to the level of Will Ryder, or for that matter, even Axel Braun movies. Then along comes Cheers A XXX Parody and by gosh by golly, Lee Roy has got his act together. Sure the sex scenes are way too long, most of the actors don't stay in character during their scenes and Lee Roy does one very distracting thing when directing his sex scenes.....at the end of each sex scene, he has the actress play to the camera....BAD BAD LEE ROY (and you're not even Brown).

Besides the sets and the costumes being excellent, what really stands out about the movie is the writing, also credited to Lee Roy Myers. The script of this sitcum could have been a regular Cheers script, except the majority of this dialog is about sex. As I have mentioned in some of my other reviews, it seems every sitcum has one character in a terrible wig. In Cheers A XXX Parody, we get two bad wigs, one on Otto Bauer as Fraiser and one on J Walker as Norm.

The plot revolves around Sam (Joel Lawrence) trying to convince Diane (Monique Alexander) that he's a changed man, in hopes that he can win her over. As Sam divests the things that he believes are keeping Diane from liking him, the movie is able to have sex scenes that can be included logically within the plot.

First up, Fraiser (Otto Bauer) buys Sam's Corvette. When he gets home and tells Lillith (Alexis Texas), Lillith sees Fraiser in a different light and they hit the bedroom. Selling his Corvette doesn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his cologne to Cliff (Evan Stone) and Cliff's luck changes with the ladies and he hits it off with one of the customers in the bar (Katie St. Ives). Giving away the cologne also didn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his hair products to Carla (Anabelle Lee), this of course, results in the next sex scene in the movie between Carla and another customer in the bar (Amber Swift).

Finally, just like a scene would play in the TV version of Cheers, Sam and Diane get really mad at each other, but their ire turns to lust and of course this results in a sex scene. Sam is so happy that he finally has Diane that he gives his little black book to Woody (Mr Pete). Using Sam's little black book, Woody makes a blind date. His blind date doesn't show up and Woody thinks her friend (Sara Stone) has come in her place. This results in a small surprise at the end of the movie and also leaves the stage open for a sequel. IF the sequel could come anywhere near matching this movie, I would definitely want to see it.

It was odd, to me, seeing Mr. Pete acting. I have only seen him previously in scenes where Mr. Pete was only required to have minimal dialog. He does an excellent job as Woody. It reminded me that some years back I would only see Tommy Gunn in scenes that required very little acting. Tommy Gunn has turned out to be a pretty decent actor and here's hoping since he was so good as Woody, that Mr. Pete will continue with more actual acting in XXX movies.

It's hard to pick any one actor in Cheers XXX who was the best, since everyone was good in their parts. Evan Stone, as usual in these sitcums, really gets into his part. Evan must really be a big fan of the reruns on TV Land. If Lee Roy could have gotten the actors to stay in character during their sex scenes and NOT had the females play to the camera at the end of their sex scenes, I could have easily rated this one an A, as it is, it still richly deserves a B+

Cheers: A XXX Parody starring Alexis Texas, Sara Stone, Monique Alexander, Annabelle Lee, Suzanne Kelly, Katie St Ives, Amber Swift, Xena Jackson, Otto Bauer, Paul, Chris Blitz, Guy Coolsburg, Matt Jean, J Walker, Evan Stone, Joel Lawrence, Mr Pete and directed by Lee Roy Meyers.

NOT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN XXX

2010-05-16T11:50:00.000-07:00

This XXX movie is pretty much like any episode of TV's Married with Children. The main plot revolves around Al and his job at the shoe store. There's a new salesman at the store making Al look bad. If Al doesn't pick up the pace, he's going to lose his job. I know that sounds sort of skimpy, but Not Married With Children XXX, just like the TV show, is more character driven than story driven.

The real stand out in the movie is Eric Swiss playing Al. While, he doesn't look that much like Al (Ed O'Neill), he's got the character's mannerisms and speech patterns down pat. In my opinion he carries the whole movie. Casting Brittany O'Connell as Peg was a good choice. While a lot of the character of Peg lies in the big red wig and her clothes, the role also calls for someone that can deliver the "Peg lines" with the right attitude and Brittaney did an excellent job in her role.

The two actors playing Kelly (Kagney Linn Karter) and Bud (Dane Cross) didn't do anything to distinguish themselves. I never got the feeling that I was seeing Kelly or Bud, just two fairly decent porno actors. India Summer plays Marcie and also does a good job, but she obliviously got awarded the bad wig (every time I see a parody, one character always has a bad wig). This wig ranks right up there with the bad wig that Tommy Gunn had in Not Three's Company.

Not Married With Children XXX was well written, well directed, and the set inside the Bundy's house was spot on. The audience noises and laughs were all in the right places and you could almost believe that you were watching the regular TV version of Married With Children. The only real difference in the TV show and this parody version is instead of implied sex, there is actual sex. There was only one bad scene in the movie and it was a sex scene involving a BJ that was so badly executed, I just wound up laughing. However, that one scene wasn't enough to discourage me from enjoying this movie and giving it an A-

Not Married With Children XXX starring Kagney Linn Karter, India Summers, Dane Cross, Payton Leigh, Brittany O'Connell, Madison Scott, Brooke Belle, Eric Swiss, Kimber James, Allyssa Hall, Emy Reyes, Kora Cummings and directed by Will Ryder

A WOLF'S TAIL

2010-05-14T12:47:00.000-07:00

This is the second part of a triolgy, the first part is called "A Witch's Tail" and the third part is called "A Devil's Tail", neither of which I have seen.

The plot: Asia Carrera is writing a new chapter for her book about Vampires....WTF....I thought his was about Wolves or at least a Wolfman! In Asia's mind we see the scene she is writing...cue sex scene. Next up, Asia's agent calls to check on how the book is coming. She tells him she is going to get some information from a vampire expert. When the phone call ends, we get the cliched boss and secretary setup..cue sex scene. Asia has gotten an old diary from the vampire expert. This diary was written by an ancient vampire (Herschel Savage). He's pissed about his diary being stolen and sends a couple of his minions to take care of Asia's expert. Asia meanwhile has been magically transported by reading the diary and has met a vampire...cue sex scene...after having sex the vamp is going to bite her, but at the last minute, she is saved by a wolf. Thank Goodness, finally a wolf has appeared in A Wolf's Tail. The wolf eventually turns into Evan Stone...cue sex scene. Asia finds out that she has great powers and that the wolf is her protector...cue next part of Triolgy.

A Wolf's Tail had only very brief moments of storyline to hold together what was basically a bunch of vignettes (I didn't mention all of the sex scenes in the plot outline above). Although I'm not that big of a fan of director Bud Lee, I have seen a couple of his other features that I liked: Blue Angel and Love At First Byte were both pretty good. However, A Wolf's Tail left a lot to be desired in a feature XXX movie in my opinion and I have no interest in seeing the first or third installments of this triolgy. Even with the lovely Asia Carrer as the star, I still rate this one a D+

A Wolf's Tail starring Sydnee Steele, Asia Carrera, Dee, Allysin Chaynes, Alexandra Nice, George Kaplan, Elizabeth X., Evan Stone, Herschel Savage, Joel Lawrence, Alec Metro, Dillion Day, Devin Wolf and directed by Bud Lee

WATCHERS

2010-05-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

Even though I had only seen one good Michael Raven movie in the past (The Visitors), when I saw that Watchers had won 2001 AVN Awards for Best Film, Best Screenplay, Best Editing and Best Supporting Actor (Randy Spears), I guessed that this must be one hell of a movie. Well guess again, Bucko!

Watchers turned out to be a grainy film with Randy Spears in one his worst acting jobs ever. Randy was over dramatic in delivering his lines from the badly written script. As far as the editing award, I can only guess it was awarded for the quick in and out cuts of little bits of the storyline into some of the sex scenes.

The movie begins with Mike Horner, not the greatest actor in porn but usually not too bad, managing to achieve a career high in bad acting. After the titles, Watchers moves fairly quickly to the first sex scene. After this first sex scene, we get maybe two lines of dialogue before the next sex scene. I was starting to think that there wasn't going to be much of a plot; however, Watchers actually got plot heavier for the rest of the movie. I'm assuming Michael Raven wanted to get the viewer hooked in with the sex scenes, before trying to get them hooked into the story. This almost worked backwards on me, since I was about to give up, thinking there wasn't any plot at all.

The plot of Watchers is about the forces of good and evil battling over one woman's soul and once the plot finally kicked in, Watchers gave me lots of laughs. The unfortunate part is that Watchers is a drama! My first big laugh came when Syndee Steele goes to the police because she thinks the bad dreams she has been having are connected to some cult killings that are happening. When she's in the police station, Randy Spears (who no one is suppose to be able to see) is crouching (yes crouching) on a file cabinet in the background. That was my first laugh out loud moment, with many more to follow. Now that I think about it, Randy crouches several more times in the movie, heck maybe it was in the direction he was given. There's also a lot of slow walking and creeping about in Watchers, so I can see where crouching could also be a directorial decision.

Next up, Syndee is in the tub and considering suicide and we see Randy (sort of crouching on the couch) in the background. Randy talks Syndee out of killing herself. Amazingly, Syndee shows little concern that someone is inside her locked apartment, although she does ask him about it later.

The next scene we find Mike Horner walking back and forth in front of a prostitute, who turns out to be a demon. Why was Mike just walking back and forth in front of this one hooker... oh, I'd call that bad direction. Anyway the demon tries to attract him sexually but Mike resists and the demon responds in "demon talk" and we get subtitles for a translation (yes, subtitles, why not throw in another bad element).

A couple of cops have been put on the cult case killings, Julie Meadows and Dillon Day, although they don't get a lot to do. Julie is the best actor in Watchers and she also has the only really good line in the movie: "I can't believe they shot a girl". They do participate in a big shootout with Julie and Dillon and Mike against the demons. You did read that correctly, for some reason the demons or maybe they're just minions all have weapons and can be killed with bullets.

Mr Marcus is the head demon and he escapes with Syndee, but Randy shows up to fight Mr. Marcus for her. Oh yeah, Randy is wearing a "puffy shirt" (yes, a puffy shirt) when he arrives. After he sends Mr Marcus back to hell, Syndee asks him to explain things but he tells her it is better left a mystery (I translated this to "we wrote it and we don't have a good explanation").

I cannot believe how over the top bad this movie was and the fact that it won so many awards in 2001. I can't count the times that I laughed out loud at some of the self-important overwrought dialogue in the movie. I know Ed Wood is often held up as one of the worst directors of all times (a fact I disagree with), but believe me Ed Wood doesn't have anything over Michael Raven's Watchers. Either porn movies have gotten better in the last 10 years or someone got paid off for those awards. Watchers deserves a D but since it did provide me with a lot of unintentional laughs and a lot of fun yelling WTF at the TV, I'm going kick it up to a D+

Watchers starring: Sydnee Steele, Katja Kean, Randy Spears, Mr. Marcus, Chennin Blanc, Julie Meadows, Shay Sweet, George Kaplan, Tavalia Griffin, Tracks Am7, Danny Wallace, Greg Wayne, Evan Stone, Mike Horner, Chris Cannon, Eric Masterson, Pat Myne, Dillion Day, Jim Enright and directed by Michael Raven

2040

2010-05-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

WARNING! THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW. There is no way I can talk about this movie without giving away some of the plot points.

I've had this one for a while and when I saw the length(167 minutes, and that's not counting the 2 bonus discs that I didn't rent), I put it aside. When I finally got around to watching it, I wished I had done so sooner, since it is one of the better plotted modern porn movies I have seen in a while. Of course some of the length of the movie is due to the sex scenes being too long, but when they start to bore me, well, that's when the FF button is handy.

2040 opens with a voice over telling how a bad disease has caused people to stop having sex with each other. People have turned to virtual sex, however there are still a few people making porn movies.

The movie starts with the son of Randy Spears (Randy Spears) being directed by the son of Barrett Blade (of course played by Barrett Blade),shooting a movie using a green screen with a futuristic looking camera. The female in the scene is Alexis Texas and she looked stoned and out of it. This reminded me of some of those Golden Age porn movies where sometimes you ran across an actress who was actually stoned and out of it. We find out that Alexis isn't a real person, she's a sexdroid, and just needs some time to warm up. Alexis did a pretty decent job of appearing to be non-human, although she did slip and blink her eyes a couple of times. I'm actually going to blame that on the director and/or editor since these slips could have been re-shot or edited better.

Alexis breaks down and there's a fairly humorous bit about getting the sex scene finished. Since a new female/humanoid will be needed in order to continue shooting, they call in Marcus London and his sex doll, Alektra Blue (photo above). Marcus London has made a sexdroid who is super life like, her body even reacts to stimuli. News of this new sex doll spreads to the competition: Real Dolls, which is run by Brad Armstrong. It seems Marcus used to work for Brad and Brad considers Marcus's new doll stolen work that belongs to Real Dolls. Brad calls in Kaylani Lei to take care of Marcus. To my surprise Kaylani Lei arrived in a real helicopter, that I assume was rented especially for the movie.

2040 shifts the focus back to Marcus' company, where we find they have also made a male sex doll (Eric Masterson) and Kirsten Price is putting the finishing touches on him (which of course leads to a sex scene). Kaylani arrives at the lab looking for Marcus. When she finds that he's not there she uses a shock weapon on Kirsten and then trashes the lab.

A Brief Interruption: I typed the above after watching the first part of 2040. Later, when watching the second part of 2040, a funny thing occurred, I found the second half to be a lot weaker that the first half. Is it because I lost the momentum of the movie by not watching it straight through or is the second half just not as good? Sorry for the interruption, now back to the plot.

2040 shifts back to Real Dolls as Jessica Drake shows Kaylani around. We learn that the company did a lot of work in making artificial limbs for the military and that this research helped them in making body parts used for sex more realistic. We also get told how much money Real Dolls is set to make if Marcus doesn't interfere. Somehow everyone gets "hot" touring the factory and this results in the next sex scene. I found this to be the first weak spot, since it seemed the sex scene had been forced into the plot. Next, we are taken directly back to the lab where Mikayla Mendez tests out some of the new creations at Real Dolls. I think this is the spot where I really starting losing interest and it could have been packing (no pun intended) these two sex scenes so close together.

Jessica goes to see Marcus and tries to talk him into making a deal with Brad, leading to yet another sex scene forced into the plot. When Jessica gets back to Real Dolls she has a talk with Mikayla about whether the Dolls have any consciousness, but Jessica explains that's the type of thing that got Marcus the boot to start with and the topic is best left alone. It seems that's the major conflict between the two - Marcus wants to make dolls that actually have human feelings and Brad wants to make a pure sex product.

Back to Marcus' lab and we find that he has upgraded Alektra and she is becoming more human. There's also a funny sequence here with Alektra teaching Kirsten how to dance. This is probably the best scene in part two of 2040.

Next we are taken to The 55th AEE Expo and this is probably the worst scene in 2040. It's poorly shot and the only reason for it to be in the movie is to enable an orgy scene. We do find out here that Alektra has feelings for Randy and vice versa, resulting in another sex scene. After Randy and Alectra's sex scene, he takes her to the beach, they find a dead crab and he teaches her about death. Randy and Alektra next attend a play and Alektra finds it so beautiful that she is moved to tears (well a tear). 2040 was starting to get really boring to me by this time.

Brad goes to see Marcus and after a struggle Marcus is shot. Brad now has possession of Alektra (sex scene follows). This is then followed by a lot of plot that I translate as: "let's wind this fucking (pun intended) movie up". I won't give the ending away, but will just say it includes a death, a rescue, and a happily ever after with Randy and Alektra walking down the beach. This ending reminded me of a saying we had as kids: "Gag me with a maggot".

I still think the first part of 2040 was above my expectations and that the second part had too many sex scenes that didn't flow with the movie and too many cliches in the plot. As you know I'm only interested in plots here at "XXX Marks The Plot", for a deeper look into 2040 I encourage you to check out Gore Gore Girl's review: CLICK HERE. I'm grading this one an A- for the first half and a C+ for the second half, which averages out to a B

2040 starring Marco Banderas, Alexis Texas, Alektra Blue, Jessica Drake, Tory Lane, Kaylani Lei, Rocco Reed, Kirsten Price, Janet Mason, Marcus London, Bill Bailey, TJ Cummings, Kayla Carrera, Mikayla Mendez, Jayden Jaymes, Mick Blue, Tommy Gunn, Randy Spears, Brad Armstrong, Eric Masterson and directed by Brad Armstrong

LIES

2010-05-07T17:02:00.000-07:00

From the back of the box: "Will a little white lie lead police investigators to uncover the truth about Vicki (Kirsten Price)? Or will they discover a twisted tale of betrayal at the hands of her best friend Felecia (Alektra Blue)...one girl is dead, but which one? It's up to the police to expose a web of lies and uncover the dark secrets of these two friends..."

As the police detectives try to solve the case in this murder mystery, we have a series of possible suspects brought in for questioning. Each of these suspects has an alibi proving that they couldn't have done it, because they were having sex at the time. Each suspect has a flashback sequence and these compose the sex scenes in the movie.

Lies is surprisingly short (86 minutes) and since the movie contains five sex scenes, none of the sex scenes run so long that they start to become boring, which is always a plus for me. In the first sex scene between Tommy Gunn and Kirsten Price, the director Francois Clousot, really lets the camera "love" Kirsten Price's body, making this one of the better erotic sex scenes I have seen in a XXX movie in quite some time. Unfortunately, the rest of the sex scenes in Lies were pretty much your standard issue.

Lies is filled with some of the top actor/performers in the porn genre and while everyone is good, no one really stood out. The plot while not unique to mainstream movies was fairly novel for a XXX feature. The use of flashbacks to include the sex scenes made them fit coherently with the plot and as mentioned above were short enough not to grind the story to a halt. Taking all of these things into consideration, I'm grading this one a solid B

Lies starring Alektra Blue, Jessica Drake, Rayveness, Kirsten Price, Rocco Reed, Tommy Gunn, Eric Masterson, Barrett Blade and directed by Francios Clousot

3 WISHES

2010-05-05T15:22:00.000-07:00

Eric Masterson is having a bad day to say the least. He gets fired from his job, he gets rained on leaving the office, when he gets home he finds out that his girlfriend is running off with the cable guy and to add insult to injury the cable's still not fixed. Eric is so distraught after everything that has happened he says "I would sell my soul to the Devil to watch that game" ...POOF...Eric is in Hell with the Devil (Devon Michaels). The Devil has a big fat contract that will grant Eric 3 Wishes in exchange for his soul. Eric is reluctant at first, but finally decides to go with the deal. His first wish is not only to get his job back, but to be "The Boss". This definitely does not work out like he hoped. He goes for his second wish, which also goes haywire. Eric decides he wants out of his contract and gets Stormy, his next door neighbor who is a paralegal to look over the contract. She advises him NOT to use his 3rd wish and everything will be ok. Eric can't resist and makes his 3rd wish and Stormy has to save his soul herself.

I have purposely left out what goes wrong with Eric's wishes, since that would spoil most of your fun when you watch 3 Wishes. I also am not revealing how Stormy saves Eric in the end, since there is just a slight twist to the plot involving Stormy and The Devil.

Eric Masterson excels at playing nerdy guys. He is well cast here in his part which calls for a lot of reaction shots and delivery of some pretty comedic lines. Eric ranks up there with the best of today's male porn actors. Sometimes I think people only consider him a supporting actor and don't really think of him as 'the leading man" since he acts the dweeb so much.

Stormy wrote and directed 3 Wishes. Her writing is A-1, as good as the writing would be in a mainstream movie using this type of plot (which I have been told is the plot to "Bedazzled", but I haven't seen that movie). Her direction on the plot parts of the movie are well done. Her direction on the sex scenes are lackluster: shoot here, pan to inanimate object, back to sex scene which has now shifted positions, repeat for the next 20 minutes (YES, the sex scenes are way too long).

Besides the long sex scenes, I only have a two other minor complaints with 3 Wishes. Besides Jasmine Byrne, who plays Eric's girlfriend, every other female has fake tits. While Stormy obviously has had a top of the line boob job, the other performers have not, with Devon's being particularly bad. My last gripe is the casting of Devon as The Devil. I guess that Stormy being female thought casting a woman as the Devil would be a novel idea and there is even some dialog about why a woman is actually The Devil. I probably wouldn't have had any problem with this, except Stormy had the perfect devil - Tommy Gunn - he's already got The Devil look, instead he is wasted in 3 Wishes as The Devil's minion.

3 Wishes, like the majority of the other movies that Stormy has written/directed is better than most of what you find in modern day comedy porno movies. I really don't think you can go wrong if you see her name attached in those capacities. If she ever decides to leave the acting/performing side of XXX movies, she could still have a career in the directing/writing side of them. I rate this one a B+

3 Wishes starring: Jada Fire, Eva Angelina, Jasmine Byrne, Stormy Daniels, Devon Michaels, Lexi Lamour, Ethan Cage, Nick Jacobs, Tommy Gunn, Eric Masterson, Billy Glide and directed by Stormy Daniels

OBJECT of DESIRE

2010-05-03T12:08:00.000-07:00

From the back of the box: "Foxy french tart Miss du Pre stars in this tantalizing blast from the past, playing a youthfully naive beauty who comes under a sensual spell when she's introduced to the far-out pleasures of the flesh. Shot on location in France, the lush sexvid takes us into the back alleys and bawdy bordellos of Paris, where she is stuck as the story begins. She soon finds a place at a secluded brothel that caters to the unique whims of their wealthy clientele. Monique gets washed away on a sensual sea of lust as she is welcomed into the realm of pure carnal bliss and adventure. Eventually she falls for a rich but sadistic client who brings her back to his place for some erotically indentured servitude. Monique is given to the man's swarthy black manservant, who shows her a whole new world of wickedly wanton desire. In the end, Monique ends up as the sexual plaything of both the wealthy malefactor and his well-built valet. This is a wildly passionate, intensely focused sex film that delves head first into the deep waters of out-there sexual expression. An exquisitely photographed, stunningly erotic opus that never fails to startle and
arouse."

I can only find the director's name Ji Bourg Jime tied to this one movie. I'm not sure if Object of Desire was so terrible he never got a chance to direct another porno or if Ji Bourg JIme is just a pseudonym. According to IMDB it was released in 1983 and was a Finnish release, although I know it states shot on location in France. Maybe there's something lost in the translation causing me to find this to be one of the worse pornos I have ever seen. It had a draggy plot that made little sense, the direction was terrible, the cinematography wasn't good, and the sex scenes were uninspired. I couldn't even bring myself to finish this travesty of a movie. Even though Object of Desire had Juilet Anderson, I'm still rating this one an F

Object of Desire starring Juliet Anderson, Mai Lin, Taylor Wayne, Derek Amanza, Giovanne Andre, Adrianna Bach, Bella Blanche, Wanda Bruce, June Budezi, Marilyn du Pre, Janine Jarre, Loma Lake, Lisa Lo, Ronell Randall, Rex Rappers, Rod Savage, Ti'Bourg Taime, Abe Theimbe, Tom Byron and directed by
Ji Bourg Jime

LOVE IS BLUE

2010-04-29T14:56:00.000-07:00

The inside story is that Randy Spears once made a comment to director/writer Cash Markman about how he sometimes gets "outed" as a porn star by someone in public, before he has had a chance to tell his date what he does for a living. Cash Markman thought that sounded like a good idea for a movie. The result is this movie: Love Is Blue, a mockumentary about the life of Randy Spears starring Randy Spears.

The viewer gets an inside look at the shooting of a porn movie as Love Is Blue begins, with Randy on the set of a porn movie with Eva Angelina. We see the crew walking about doing technical work and hear the director giving instructions to the performer.

The next scene has Randy back at home watching himself in "Sex Trek". He overhears Tommy Gunn and Candy Manson having sex in the next apartment. A frustrated Randy wanting to have a "normal" girlfriend like his neighbor, decides to check his little black book and calls up an old girlfriend (Shy Love). Unfortunately, while they're in a restaurant, Randy gets "outed" by a fan. When Shy finds out he's a porn star, she dumps food on him and walks out of the restaurant.

Randy's back home alone once again. This time he's watching another one of his movies (I think it was "Play With Fire"). Shy calls him up and makes him listen to her having what she refers to as "real sex" with Reno D'Angelo. Why didn't Randy just hang up, you might ask....because they needed to get another sex scene inserted into the movie.

Randy has gotten desperate and signs up for Speed Dating and there's several comedic turns with the women he is meeting and he once again gets "outed". Fortunately for him, he meets Katie Morgan who wasn't a witness to the "outing". They hit it off and go back to her place and have sex. While Randy is in the shower, Katie finds a copy of Adult Video News in Randy's backpack that features Randy. Katie gets mad and winds up beating Randy in the shower with the rolled up magazine.

Back to the porno set where Randy gets advice from Evan Stone, who tells him that he should only date within the "business". Randy meets Rita Faltoyano on the set and they make a connection; but poor Randy, now he has to watch Rita have sex with Evan on the set. Randy and Rita do hit it off and it looks like he has finally found the love he has been looking for....but then.....???

In the past I've noted that I'm a big fan of Cash Markman and have complained that a lot of his features start strong, fall apart in the middle and finish strong. Love Is Blue maintained its plot momentum from start to finish, even though it came close to sagging with the Shy/Reno scene (which by the way was near the middle of the movie).

One of the pluses of Love Is Blue is that since the movie is fairly short (95 minutes) and it includes 5 sex scenes, the sex scenes don't tend to run into mind numbing length. Coupled with the fact that Love Is Blue is a very funny, well acted movie with a great plot, I give this one and A-

LOVE IS BLUE Starring Eva Angelina, Shy Love, Kelli Tyler, Rita Faltoyano, Katie Morgan, Candy Manson, Reno, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Randy Spears and directed by Cash Markman

LAND of The AMAZONS

2010-04-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

Here's the plot: Four hikers encounter a tribe of Amazons. While the storyline was cute and fairly humorous, the main problem was that there was very little storyline.

The sex scenes all fall mainly into the uninspired sex scenes that you can see in most pornos. Everyone gets the job done, just no passion to speak of.

There's one scene in Land of The Amazons with a performer known as Yvette. She's definitely a body builder with a super hard muscular body, so depending on your personal likes/dislikes you might find her attractive. Personally, I didn't like it and she sort of creeped me out...but hey, each to his own.

Since Land of The Amazons did have a plot (even if it wasn't much of one) and did include some well written comedic lines, I going to grade this one a C-

LAND of THE AMAZONS Starring Van Damage, Naomi Russell, Jezebelle Bond, Trent Soluri, Mikayla Mendez, Joey Valentine, Yvette, Evan Stone and directed by Daniel Dakota