CHEESECAKE COVER - I'm In The NUDE For LOVE

A COLLECTION of SEX RELATED LPs

I didn't mean to start another collection...I swear I didn't...but if 3 makes a collection, I have already passed that point, mostly due to thrift stores. My first find was the above LP - Making Love - that I found at a Miracle Hill Thrift Store.

Next I found the sealed soundtrack to The Devil In Miss Jones at a Goodwill Thrift Store. 

The next LP, Lessons in Love,  was scored at another thrift shop, but I can't remember which one, but this made 3 and started the collection. 

My fourth find was at an estate sale instead of a thrift shop and is titled Erotica, The Rhythms of Love, which turned out to be bongos with some moaning and groaning in the background.

And finally (so far), I found The Way To Become The Sensuous Woman at another Goodwill Thrift Store.

So, that's my unintended collection so far of erotica LPs, but who knows what oddball vinyl record I'll turn up in another thrift or estate sale to add to my unintended collection. 

Update: Found the below at Salvation Army in Greer, SC
Another Update: Found a second copy of the below LP, approximately 2 miles up the road at the Goodwill in Greer, SC.

OFFICIAL BAD TEACHER PARODY

Having never seen Bad Teacher, I can't really compare Official Bad Teacher Parody directly to that film, so this review is based like this is an original movie instead of a parody. The acting is all above average and I got quite a few laughs from the parts between the sex scenes. And therein lies the problem, there are five L-O-N-G sex scenes of approximately 20 minutes each in this 111 minute movie. If you do the math, you can see that only leaves about 11 minutes for the plot, which also has to include setting up for the sex scenes (which leads to a couple of set ups being basically "Let's Fuck"). Too bad, since this could have easily ranked as one of the better XXX comedic movies, as it stands, I can only rank this a C+ and a lot of that has to do with the acting ability of the cast. 

THIS AIN'T STAR TREK 3

It's always a crap shoot with an Axel Braun movie, sometimes you get a good parody (Spider-Man, Superman, Cheers, This Ain't Star Trek), some that are just ok (Star Trek #2) and some that make you wish you were watching something else (Dark Knight, Letterman). This Ain't Star Trek 3 falls into the latter category. This movie really should be listed as a vignette rather than a plot driven feature film.

The scant plot has Kirk (Evan Stone) being beamed back to The Enterprise, but due to a time twist he winds up on an earlier version of The Enterprise, where he meets his younger self played by Michael Vegas. With a running time of 104 minutes, which includes 5 long sex scenes, This Ain't Star Trek 3 has VERY little time for any type of storyline or plot development. Maybe all the effort went into making effects for the 3-D version or maybe it was decided as long as you stick the words "Star Trek" on the box, you'll have a guaranteed built in audience. 

Whatever the reason(s), This Ain't Star Trek 3 really proves the old adage that a sequel isn't going to be good as the original, since each subsequent entry in this series has gotten progressively worse. Let's only hope that there isn't (or should I say ain't) another This Ain't Star Trek on the horizon, unless someone other than Axel Braun is at the helm.

IN HER HEAD

In Her Head is David Stanley's homage to Alfred Hitchcock, with many of the film shots, the paranoid storyline, and the music cues recalling the famous director's work. Lexi Belle has stolen a briefcase full of cash....or has she? The owners of the briefcase, The Twins (Tati and Taylor Russo), are after her....or are they? Evan Stone plays Lexi's supportive husband who can't quite decide for himself if his wife is crazy or is she really on the run.

This was a highly inventive plot by David Stanley, at least for porn, and made for an interesting film. With the "in her head" concept, a couple of extra sex scenes could be included, since the viewer has to decide "are they really happening or is Lexi just imagining them".  Lexi does a great job of acting and making her character believable, plus Evan is his usual dependable self in the acting department.
 

I'm not covering much of the storyline, since I don't want to spoil anything for other viewers. I will say, if you like a story that's outside the norm for XXX, then you'll really enjoy In Her Head. As an added bonus, the sound on the dvd is excellent, I'm noting this because sound is one thing lacking in many XXX features (i.e. The Time Machine). If it wasn't for the too long sex scenes (the modern typical 20+ minutes), I could easily rate this A+. I'm still giving the movie a solid A and highly recommending it to readers of this blog.

THE TIME MACHINE

The Time Machine turned out to be a pleasant surprise. I rented it on the strength of an excellent Jace Rocker production I had seen in the past, A Little Piece of My Heart, and the fact that it had Jonathan Morgan in the cast and he usually brings a sense of humor to any movie in which he is cast. I still felt that this was going to be a pretty standard vignette style porn masquerading as a feature, but it turned out to be a true feature in vignette style, if that makes any sense.

Jonathan Morgan inherits an old house and a pile of money from his late grandfather. In the basement, Morgan and his girlfriend Serenity find a time machine and while having sex they inadvertently send the time machine back to the old west. Since the directions were left behind, they wind up visiting different eras of time while trying to get back home. Of course this sets up sex scenes during different parts of history. Besides the Old West, there are scenes with American Indians, Romans, futuristic aliens, and prehistoric people. 
 

The amazing part of The Time Machine is that it never lost sight of the part of the plot about trying to get back home. Even though each stop has its own story, the continuity of the main storyline is kept intact throughout the complete film. Add in LOTS of humorous lines, even if some are corny, and the pleasant fact the sex scenes only run around 12 minutes and you get a winning combination. 

The only drawback to The Time Machine is lousy audio. It always seems audio is the least concern with any XXX production, but the audio in The Time Machine is particularity bad, it's like they only had one stationary microphone. I'm going to knock off a little bit for the sound problem but The Time Machine still earns a well deserved A-

BATGIRL XXX

Barbara Gordon (Sunny Lane) wants to be a crime fighter, but her father Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron) is dead set against it.  Barbara even makes her own homemade costume and goes out crime-fighting, but the detectives pull her off the street and turn her over to her father. One night while she's out, either looking for criminals to fight or trying to find Batman (the plot is unclear at this point), she is kidnapped, tied up, and eventually water-boarded. When she regains consciousness, she is dressed in a Batgirl outfit and is in the presence of Batman (Evan Stone) and Robin (Scott Lyons). The plot is once again murky as to whether Batman  and Robin have rescued her OR were they the ones who kidnapped her in the first place. This mystery is cleared up later in the film. Regardless Batman strips her down and the threesome have a sex scene.

  Meanwhile Bianca Steeplechase, aka The Joker (Lizzy Borden), breaks into Arkham Asylum and frees Riddler, Harlequin, Penguin, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, and Catwoman. The Joker lays down her plan for domination of Gotham to the group of baddies and then has Harlequin (Amber Rayne) give The Penguin (Ron Jeremey) oral sex. No apparent reason, it was just time for some type of sex scene in the movie. Which brings us to the next sex scene, Vicky Vale (Aiden Starr) was kidnapped when the baddies were broken out of the Arkum Asylum. She has her mind clouded by The Scarecrow so she will have sex with The Riddler (Seth Gamble). Another non-nonsensical sex scene added into the film....I mean how does poor Scarecrow feel about having to set The Riddler up and while he himself is banished from the room.

 
Batman splits his trio of crime-fighters up by sending Robin and Batgirl to different locales to check on things. When Batgirl arrives at the commissioner's office, she finds her dad tied up by Poison Ivy (Phoenix Marie) and Catwoman (Aurora Snow). They agree to let him go, if Batgirl will have sex with them. Of course, she agrees.

The Joker has released some type of toxin into the water, supply of Gotham, which makes anyone who drinks it sex starved. The example we see here are citizens played by Alec Knight and Lexi Belle, who both literally fuck themselves to death. Next, we see Robin bludgeoned to death by The Joker and Batman swearing to revenge his death. Before Batman and Batgirl leave to find The Joker, Batman tells Batgirl that all of her training, including sleep deprivation and water-boarding, still may not have prepared her for their fight with The Joker....so finally the mystery of who kidnapped Batgirl at the first of the movie is cleared up. This is all pretty strange knowing that Batman could have just told Barbara he wanted her to join him, since she was eager to be a crime-fighter in the first place. I guess Batman aka The Dark Knight REALLY does have a dark side. Speaking of Batman, in Batgirl XXX, he is portrayed mostly as the Batman/Dark Knight version, but strangely, Batgirl is straight out of the 1960's TV show. Strangest of all is the last scene in the film, which  is a shot of two office towers falling...they fall and the movie is over, setting up for a sequel. Using basically the 9/11 tragedy to close out a porn movie, just didn't work for me (and I'm not all that politically correct) and made me want to ask the director Sinister X (Rob Black)...What the hell were you thinking!

 
Even with this last faux pas and the shaky tied together plot, Batgirl XXX manages to be somewhat better than your average modern day XXX parody. This movie doesn't have a mainstream counterpart, so it's really not a parody, unless you count the TV show. One thing that elevated this film was the acting. There really wasn't anyone weak in their parts, so I'm just pointing out those who were outstanding: Tom Byron has really come into his own in the acting department over the last few years. Evan Stone, as usual, understands his role and commits to it entirely. Lizzy Borden, taking her cues from the late Heath Ledger, is outstanding as The Joker. A little tighter, logically plotted, storyline could have elevated this film to excellent status, as it stands, I grade it a solid B.

A LITTLE BIT of HANKY PANKY

 

A blast from the past,  A Little Bit of Hanky Panky has a host of famous porn stars: Ginger Lynn, Ron Jeremy, Jamie Gillis, Bunny Bleu, and Jerry Butler. As far as the plot goes, it was almost non-existent.  It seems a pair of couples are camping out and unbeknownst to all but one of them, there are a sex games happening on the island where they're staying. This creates some situations that, without the characters or the viewer having this knowledge, border on pedophilia and rape...actually it doesn't just border on rape, since Jerry Butler's character is listed as Rapist. Of course, later in the movie when this knowledge is revealed things don't seem quite as creepy as they originally appeared.

My introduction to XXX movies happened during the golden age of porn films. A Little Bit of Hanky Panky, being from that era, has very short sex scenes. This is a good thing in my opinion, some modern XXX movie sex scenes are so long they become uninteresting. A Little Bit of Hanky Panky isn't the greatest classic porn film, but it is still very enjoyable and well worth watching. I grade this one a high C+

FAMILY GUY - THE XXX PARODY

A great parody from Lee Roy Myers. There's not much of a plot, it mainly revolves around the guys all wanting to get laid. The story is driven more by a series of jokes, which could have come straight from the TV show, the writing is that good.

Good casting all around with the exception of Anthony Rosano as Peter. While Rosano, as usual, does a good job of acting, the cheap fat pillow he wears is very distracting. I imagine this was the hardest role to cast, since if Myers had cast someone truly as fat as Peter on the animated series, then people would probably be turned off. Aurora Snow as Lois not only looks the part, but her acting as Lois is spot-on. The other standout actor is James Deen, who throws himself wholeheartedly into portraying Quagmire. 

Your enjoyment of Family Guy XXX will depend on how much you enjoy the animated series,  If you're a fan of Family Guy, you should get a kick out of this parody. If you hate Family Guy, I can't see you enjoying this film. Since I like the animated series, I got a lot of laughs out of Family Guy XXX and rate it B+.

OFFICIAL HALLOWEEN PARODY

The plot of Official Halloween Parody deviates enough (including changing the ending) from the original mainstream film, that it makes this movie more of a re-imagined version. Since this is the second of two Halloween parodies I've watched, most comments will be a comparison of the two films

James Bartholet takes on the Dr. Loomis part and is ok in the role, but pales in comparison to Marcus London as the same character in Halloween XXX Porn Parody. To Bartholet's credit, he does "ham" up his part, making his role reminiscent of Donald Pleasant in the original mainstream film.The main trio of females Laurie, Annie, and Lynda are here played by Chanel Preston, Dana Dearmond, and Lexi Belle (oddly Lexi also plays Lynda in Halloween XXX Porn Parody). This movie ages the trio to young adults with jobs, rather than students and there is no babysitting going on in this film.

To mention a few of the other things wrong with this movie: The locale of a quiet suburban neighborhood threatened with a killer is done away with, instead the main house in Official Halloween Parody is set high above any other houses. There's no closet scene, and there's even a tacked on scene at the end, mainly added to enable another sex scene to be included in the movie. To their credit Official Halloween Parody actually plays things more for laughs than horror, with most of the humor coming through Bartholet's role; and they did spend the extra money and get a good Myers mask, one thing that Halloween XXX Porn Parody failed at.

 I had previously seen two of director Gary Orona's other movies: Official Psycho Parody (A-) and Official Friday The 13th Parody (B+),  with those two as background viewing, I was excited to see another Orona production. Unfortunately, Official Halloween Parody turned out to be what looked like a cheap, quickly made production. Maybe it was rushed to get into the market two months before Halloween XXX Porn Parody. Whatever the reason, there's nothing special about this one and it barely rates a C. This was a major disappointment after seeing Orona's other two highly rated parodies.

HALLOWEEN XXX PORN PARODY

Halloween XXX Porn Parody is a great example of how porn can take a mainstream movie, remain faithful to the plot of the original version but seamlessly include hardcore sex scenes. Of course, the original Halloween movie had lots of references to sex, but skirted the edges without even including nudity. This made the movie a natural for a porn version (so natural, this is one of two parodies of the mainstream film). 

A few twists in the plot had to be made to include additional sex scenes, where no sexual situations existed in the original version. First there is a creation of a relationship between the nurse and Dr. Loomis as they are on the way to pick up Michael Myers from the mental institution, cue sex scene. The other added plot point comes near the end of the movie, where Laurie thinks the person under the ghost sheet is the boyfriend of Lynda and she has sex with him, only to find out it was really Michael Myers. Both these scenes fit flawlessly into the plot, even though the Michael Myers ghost sheet sex scene stretched the boundaries of believability.

The casting and acting (with only one exception, who I won't name here, but will be easy to spot when you watch the movie) was really good. Lily LaBeau in the lead role of Nancy held her own with Jamie Lee Curtis; Andy San Dimas was great as the perpetually horny Annie;l plus the always excellent Lexi Belle as Lynda, was good as P.J. Soles from the original movie. Hint to all you porn producers, I would love to see a parody of Rock n Roll High School starring Lexi in the P.J. Soles role.  A special nod to Marcus London as a dead-on Dr. Loomis. There were only two small flaws, in my opinion, with Halloween XXX Porn Parody - Michael Myer's mask was really bad, a few more dollars would have gotten a much better one, plus the Myers house didn't look dilapidated enough, but these are my only minor quibbles with the film. My grade for this movie A-

BOBBY SOX

 

Bobby Sox - The plot centers around a film company promoting their B movie in a small town. This was probably a decent movie in its original release when it was 2 hours and 15 minutes. However, this release is only 1 hour and 45 minutes. Many times the scenes didn't even seem to be in the right order OR maybe there was just so much edited out that continuity was lost. All the acting was good (better than a lot of pornos) and the sex scenes were shorter (which was a good thing in my opinion) than your standard modern porno. Maybe the longer release is a lot better, this version I can only grade a C+

Superman XXX

Superman XXX - A Porn Parody starring Ryan Driller in the title role, with Andy San Dimas as Lois Lane, Alexis Texas as Miss Teschmacher, James Deen as Jimmy Olsen, Lexi Belle, Kristina Rose, Zoe Voss, Dale DaBone, Evan Stone, Alec Knight, Ben English, Dick Chibbles, Eric Masterson as the evil Lex Luthor and directed by Axel Braun.

The Plot: a re-imagined porn version of the 1978 Superman movie with an opening that's fairly close to the original movie as Zog, Ursa and Non are sentenced to The Phantom Zone with Zog yelling "Your heirs will kneel before me". The movie then skips over Superman as a youngster and goes straight to Clark Kent (Ryan Driller) flying to Metropolis to get a job at the Daily Planet. Flying the plane is Evan Stone with his co-pilot Alec Knight. Flight attendant Lexi Belle comes to check on them to see if they need anything. Being porn this, of course, leads to the first sex scene, which is only kept interesting by Evan Stone's ad-libbed (I'm assuming) comments. Returning to the plot, the plane blows an engine and is saved by Superman.

Next up we are at the Daily Planet and Perry White (Will Ryder) is obsessed with getting photos of the "flying man". Clark Kent has been hired as the new reporter and shortly after his arrival, Lex Luthor (the always great Eric Masterson) takes over the TV airways to let everyone know he has sent a rocket to destroy Metropolis. There's a funny bit here about Clark trying to find a place to change into his Superman costume. Superman catches the rocket and sends it soaring into space, where it blows up The Phantom Zone, releasing Zog and his two cohorts. This is actually a plot point that was discarded in the original production of Superman.

It seems Jimmy Olsen (James Deen) had talked the receptionist (Khristina Rose) into having sex with him before the city was destroyed. Once Superman destroys the rocket, Deen has to convince Rose there is a second rocket on the way which sets up the film for its second sex scene. James Deen not only made a great nerdy Jimmy Olsen, but he and Khristina provided the hottest sex scene in the movie.

Next scene up is Lex Luthor and Miss Teschmacher (Alexis Texas) as Lex frets that he can't destroy Metropolis until he destroys that man in red underwear. Miss Teschmacher tells Lex he needs to relax and unwind and when he agrees that's a good idea, this leads to the third sex scene of the movie. Eric Masterson was delightful, as always, as Lex and since he not only had to act but also have sex, I think that one ups Gene Hackman any day!

Zog, Ursa and Non drop from space to Earth and in a comedic bit of aliens not understanding (think 3rd Rock or Mork), they think The Daily Planet is the seat of Earth's government.When they arrive at the newspaper office and want to know who is in charge, Perry tells them Lois (Andy San Dimas) is the head writer. They assume that's the name of the World Leader and force Lois to kneel before Zog....cue next sex scene.

After that sex scene, Superman comes to the rescue and sends the villains back to The Phantom Zone. Superman tells Lois he'll see her in the news, but he shows up later on Lois' balcony, echoing the same scene from the original film. After taking Lois flying, the movie has its final sex scene with Superman and Lois. As Superman flies off, we find that Lex and Miss Teschmacher have been spying on the couple. Lex comments he has found Superman's one weakness (Lois) setting up for a sequel which I really hope happens, since Superman XXX was such a good production.


: The movie paid homage to the original plot and added in a lot of humor making for what I consider a true parody. All the acting was top notch as was the casting of the actor/performers. Even the few special effects were pretty good. The only thing wrong with Superman XXX were the long sex scenes, even though they did flow with the plot, they broke up the narrative too much. For this reason I"m grading Superman XXX an A, instead of an A+.

REZERVOIR DOGGS

 
Rezervoir Doggs starring Lizzy Borden, Kimberly Kane, Andy San Dimas, Chanel Preston, Tom Byron, Amber Rayne, Raylene, Tara Lynn Fox, Anthony Rosano, Dale DaBone, Xander Corvus and directed by General Stone (Rob Black)

The Plot:  Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" with most of the lead roles switched from male to female.

 :  Calling this a parody is really misleading since at least 95% of the dialogue in Rezervoir Doggs is lifted straight from "Reservoir Dogs". Since the majority of the mainstream movie takes place in a warehouse it made for an easy set for the porn version. The production itself resembled what it would be like if your community theater put on their own version of "Reservoir Dogs"....well, except for the addition of sex scenes (unless you have a really avante garde local theater).

Most of the acting is passable, but the real standout in Rezervoir Doggs is Tom Byron in the role of Joe. He's so good, he could have easily played the role Lawrence Tierney had in the original film. Byron is really the only reason to see Rezervoir Doggs other than the curiosity of seeing what "Reservoir Dogs" would have been like with a primarily female cast and hardcore sex scenes. I grade the movie C-, I grade Tom Bryron A+.

DARK KNIGHT XXX

The Dark Knight XXX starring Giovanni Francesco, Aiden Ashley, Brendon Miller, Brian Street Team, Penny Pax, Dani Jensen, Christy Mack, Derrick Pierce, Clarke Kent, Andy San Dimas, Tom Byron (non sex role) and directed by Axel Braun.

The Plot: A supposed parody of The Dark Knight, the movie instead draws from different elements of The DC Universe. I guess I could say kudo's for trying to come up with something original for the XXX parody; but for me, after a terrific opening scene, the rest of the movie just couldn't deliver the goods.

: While The Dark Knight XXX starting promisingly with a long (almost too long even for me) plot with Batgirl being exposed as Barbara Gordon by The Joker (Brendon Miller being even creepier than the late Heath Ledger) in front of her father, Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron in a role that will probably be unappreciated, but he  did a great piece of acting in his minor role). The Commissioner is stripped and placed in a cage naked and forced to watch his daughter have sex with The Joker to win his freedom. After the sex scene, The Joker shoots Batgirl in the back, I think mainly so the porn line, "I guess she took two in the backside" could be included.

After this great start The Dark Knight XXX deteriorated into what was basically a vignette movie with very short bits of plot followed by long sex scenes with Nightwing (Brian Street Team) and Poison Ivy (Dani Jensen), Batman/Bruce Wayne  (Giovanni Francisco) and Cat Woman (Aiden Ashley), Zatanna (Christy Mack)  and Constantine (played by...get this - Clarke Kent) and finally Bane (Derrick Pierce)/Cat Woman/ and Kathy Kane (Andy San Dimas).

If I had to put my finger on what the problem was with The Dark Knight XXX, I think it was the short running time of 91 minutes. With five sex scenes, this left little time for any type of story development (a requirement in a porn feature for me) and what plot there was seemed to be a  hodge-podge of ideas that never coalesced  into a coherent story. The reason I'm not grading The Dark Knight XXX any lower than I am is because of four things:  the opening scene, Tom Byron as Commissioner Gordon, Dani Jensen's Poison Ivy costume, and Dani Jensen giving an outstanding sex performance in the film. These few elements allow me to keep The Dark Knight XXX from being graded below average and giving it a grade of C-