YAHOO!!! HILLBILLY PORN

Being from The South, I'm used to how Hollywood productions sometimes portray us all as just a bunch of redneck hicks. And as a matter of fact, some of us are a bunch of redneck hicks! That's why it comes as no surprise when porn movies basically use the same cliches when making a movie set in Dixieland. Below is a trio of movies all using The South as a theme, all with varying degrees of success.


Carmen Goes South (CGS) is set in Texas, which if you ask anyone from The South, they'll be mighty glad to tell you that Texas AIN'T The South. For that matter, I'm pretty sure if you know anyone from Texas, they would tell you they're TEXANS, not SOUTHERNERS. Of course, if you're David Stanley from California, born in Minnesota, Texas probably seems like The South to you.


The humor in CGS was broad but written with a deft comic touch. CGS was lucky to also have the great comic XXX actor Steven St. Croix included in the cast, alongside Barrett Blade and David Stanley (non sex role, photo below) who both almost came up to St. Croix's level of wackiness. Carmen shines in her role as the titular character (I have yet to see a XXX feature in which she was anything but excellent). The other female performers: August, Ryder Skye, and Exotica all seemed to realize they were making a comedy and held their own with their male co-stars. As you know, this isn't always the case, since a lot of times a XXX movie will hinge on the males acting and the female performing.


A voice over by Randy Spears starts the movie letting us know that what we are seeing are tapes, ala Blair Witch Project, that were found after the whole crew disappeared. The movie then starts and we're shown that Carmen is such a diva that when she gets bored, she just orders her assistant Ryder Skye go down on her creating the first sex scene.


Carmen next meets the family of the winner of the "Win A Date With Carmen" contest, but not the winner himself. The family runs their own version of a backwoods sex industry and is helmed by David Stanley and includes August, Steven St. Croix, Barrett Blade and Exotica. There's also someone who looks like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre running around in the woods. We get a look at hillbilly phone sex (tin cans with string) which results in a sex scene between Exotica and Barrett Blade. It seems the family also has its own disco and we have a sex scene between Ryder Skye, Exotica, and Barrett Blade. This is a very annoying scene because of the disco lights constantly flashing into the camera. I won't give away the end of the movie, but there's a plot twist when Carmen finally meets the contest winner, Marcus London.


Carmen Goes South turned out to be on the level of one of Jonathan Morgan's comic XXX movies. And thankfully the sex scenes weren't the mind numbing long ones that I usually get to complain about. I'm no big fan of David Stanley; I can appreciate the fact that he does try to do something different when making XXX movies, but I have only seen one of his movies that I considered outstanding and it just happens to be Carmen Goes South. I grade this one A-


Next up is Hillbilly Honeys written and directed by Jace Rocker. I droned on for probably too long with the plot of Carmen Goes South, but I can actually sum up the plot to Hillbilly Honeys fairly succinctly: Two feuding families live on a mountain that is rich in uranium and the government needs to get both families to sign a lease, so they send Peter North, who is related to one of the families to get the job done. Hilarity ensues!.....and of course.....Sex ensues!

The humor and the acting in Hillbilly Honeys is the "over the top" cornball type, which is still funny, IF you're in the mood for it and I was. The accents are straight out of the "this is the way I think hicks talk" book, but that's WHEN the actors could remember that they were supposed to be doing an accent. Even the bad wigs and especially the beards are so stupid they're funny. Peter North was especially bad with his acting, I've seen him do much better, so I'm not sure what he was trying to covey with his flat line readings. The outstanding actor in the ensemble is Jonathan Morgan, who as we all know, went on to direct his own great comic XXX movies. Unfortunately, the sex scenes were all "by the numbers" with none generating much heat. Hillbilly Honeys didn't come anywhere close to matching Carmen Goes South, but it's still not a bad movie and I grade it C+


And last and certainly least: Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2. I have no idea why I rented this movie. I'm pretty sure I confused it with something else or maybe I was just having a brain cramp at the time. Anyway, Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2 was classified as a feature, but it should really be classified as a vignette, since there is just a bare minimum of a stupid plot that ties the scenes together. I rate this one a solid D

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

The movie starts out on the wrong track for me. As I've stated over and over: People in porn watching porn on TV is just a cheating way to get another porn scene in the movie. This first scene shouldn't have surprised me since this is a David Stanley movie and it appears to be one of his favorite plot devices for inserting a sex scene.

The plot of What Are Friends For? finally gets to the point with Randy's wife (Jassie) telling him she want's him to give his sperm to a lesbian couple (Alana Evans and Courtney Simpson) so they can have a baby. Next scene up, the lesbian couple make Randy sit away from them and cover his face, because they can't stand to look at a penis. They give him a harmonica so they won't have to hear him moan. The lesbian couple proceed to have sex with Randy peeping at them and masturbating, all the while blowing his harmonica. This sounds like it would be really funny but it didn't do anything for me, I actually found it irritating to the point I was glad when the scene was over.

Meeting up with Randy in the kitchen, Courtney reveals that it's just Alana who can't stand to see a penis. To prove her point (?), this somehow winds up with her giving Randy a hand job. I will give Stanley credit for a this scene, a "hand job only" scene is outside what you normally see in any feature XXX production.

Nearing the last part of the movie. it picked up some steam, especially when the crazy homeopathic doctor played by Evan Stone shows up. Unfortunately this was the only part of What Are Friends For? that I found amusing. This leads to the final sex scene with Jassie, Alana, Courtney, and Evan and ends on a really STUPID note. To collect Evan's sperm Courtney holds a test tube in her mouth while Evan climaxes. Of course most of his spunk goes on her face and very little into the tube. Why not have Courtney, once again, use her hand and have Evan come into the test tube? Why didn't she just do that when she was with Randy? Why do I keep watching David Stanley movies, when I'm constantly disappointed??????
I rate this one a D+

What Are Friends For starring Alana Evans, Jassie, Courtney Simpson, Evan Stone, Randy Spears and directed by David Stanley

RENDEZVOUS

I haven't had much luck with David Stanley movies. While nothing has been bad, I've only seen one (Carmen Goes South) that I felt was anything more than average. Rendezvous is no exception, but it does have some of the better adult actors involved in the production: Carmen Hart, Randy Spears, and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous begins with Randy Spears going on a business trip and we find that he is married to Jamie Huxley, who cares nothing for Randy. When Randy arrives at his hotel (which appears to be in some Third World Country), he is greeted by Eric Masterson, an insane desk clerk. Eric Masterson shows us he can get his crazy on with the best of them (i.e. Steven St. Croix). At first Eric tells Randy that he doesn't have a room for him, but eventually agrees to give him a room.

Randy can't get his wife on the phone and we see that she is busy having sex with Barrett Blade. Randy falls asleep and dreams that a lovely woman is rubbing her feet and legs all over him. Much to his surprise, when he awakes he finds Carmen Hart is in his bed. It seems that this is her room and she freaks out finding Randy in her bed and kicks him out.

Randy tries to deal with the insane desk clerk again but only gets sent back to share the room with Carmen, who for some reason, now doesn't object. On his return to the room, Randy finds Carmen is watching a porno on the TV and he watches along with her. This is a porn plot that I always consider a cheating way of inserting another sex scene in the movie without using any plot and I have seen David Stanley use this in some of his other movies.

The plot of Rendezvous really started to bog down to me at this point, since it turned mainly into a succession of sex scenes: The next morning when Randy awakes he finds Carmen having sex with the maid, when they move to the bed, Randy leaves for the dining room; in the dining room Randy sees another couple getting hot and heavy with each other and he leaves (only in pornos do people have sex in a dining room occupied by other people......unless I've just been going to the wrong restaurants); then after that sex scene finishes, next up is a sex scene between Carmen and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous finally gets back on track and turns itself into a romance between Carmen and Randy. The movie has a little bit of a twist ending, which I won't reveal here. I did enjoy the movie, but a lot of that had to do with having three strong XXX actors who were able to carry a humorous but weak and flimsy plot. I grade this one a C

Rendezvous starring Mika Tan, Talon, Carmen Hart, Joanna Angel, Stephanie Tripp, Jamie Huxley, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Chris Cannon, Barrett Blade and directed by David Stanley