BIG BANG THEORY: A XXX PARODY

It looks like Lee Roy Myers is never going to be able make a parody as good as Will Ryder. I keep thinking that Lee Roy has it in him, but with each successive parody of his that I watch, Lee Roy appears to be unable to get it all together. Big Bang Theory: A XXX Parody (BBT) is no exception to the rule.

I watched the "party" version of BBT, which was almost two hours in length. This is only about 40 minutes shorter than the regular version. The other party versions I have watched clocked in around the 60 minute mark. It's a mystery to me why this party version is so long. There are no "pop shots" which is consistent with other party versions and I'm assuming the sex scenes are somewhat shorter; but most of the sex scenes in this version still clock in at the 20-25 minute mark, I can't imagine how long they must be in the original version.


The movie begins on a bad note as we find Leonard ( Joey Brass) imagining a slutty Princess Leia (Briana Blair). So instead of story, we immediately get the first sex scene. In a XXX porn feature, I think the normal audience for this type of film (which includes me) is interested in story with sex....NOT sex with story. Even though it was a pretty decent sex scene (that included one terrific camera shot from overhead), I had already hit FF a couple of times. I really shouldn't have been too surprised since Lee Roy often starts his parodies with this method of movie making.

Luckily, when we get to the story, written by Bensen Hearst, I found a very decent Big Bang plot with very sharply written lines that for the most part fit the characters. Whoever Bensen Hearst is could easily be a writer on the real CBS show, that's how good the writing is in BBT. It seems that Comic Con is going to be in town, but the guys didn't get tickets; however Leonard has made some counterfeit tickets on his computer. To see if they will pass for the real thing, they decide to go to the comic book store and show them to the other nerds (a plot point that was never played out). On the way out the door, they see their neighbor Penny (Ashlynn Brooke) bent over locking her door. This was very reminiscent of the CBS show where Penny always seems, for the most part, to be unaware of her sexiness (OR at least pretends to be). It should be noted that in BBT, Ashlynn had the same body language as Penny from the TV show. Either this was deliberate on Ashlynn's part and she should be commended OR it was just a darn lucky accident that Ashlynn deports herself in the same manner.


Penny has a couple of neighbor girls (Kristina Rose & Halie James) over to her apartment and I guess I don't have to tell you that they're not there to make a quilt! Little do the girls know that when Howard (Vin Vericose) was repairing Penney's computer he installed a camera he could hack into. "Luckily", for the movie, Penny must have the computer trained on her bed, since the guys are watching all of the action across the hall on their computer. I will have to say this was a very hot g/g/g scene for the first 3/4 of the scene. However, when the director started posing the trio (I assume, in order to get better shots for the camera), the FF button became my friend once again.


We next find Raj (Gabriel D'Alessandro) and Sheldon (Rocco Reed) in the cafeteria at work where they are wishing they could get access to a certain computer controlled by Leslie Winkle (Beverly Hills). She agrees to give them computer access, if they will have sex with her....which of course they do....right there in the cafeteria.....WTF, this was so unbelievable that it removed me from the story and made the whole scene uninteresting. Would it have been that hard to have them move to another set - i.e. an office or lab?

In the meantime, Howard has picked up a girl (Charley Chase) and taken her home. They are in his bedroom and just like on the TV show Howard's mother is yelling to "keep it down" and "no more sleepovers". Surprisingly, we never hear another peep out ouf his mother, despite all the noise that's made during the sex scene. This could have been a lot funnier scene, IF Howard's mother would have continued to yell at different intervals.

Penny skipped the first day of Comic Con. When the guys come home dressed in their costumes, they find Penny dressed in the costume that she plans to wear the next day. Penny then takes Leonard into her bedroom for the final sex scene, which is the end of the movie.


BBT had a laugh track that DID NOT fit. It sounded more like the laugh track from Three's Company or Not Married With Children with the audience "whooping" it up at regular intervals. Most of the sex scenes fit ok with the plot, with the exception of the cafeteria scene. The sex scenes were of course too long, but everyone seemed, more or less, to stay in character during their sex scenes and most of the scenes generated some heat.

Speaking of the characters, Sheldon is the character least like his TV counterpart. On the TV show, Sheldon is Super Nerd among the nerds. There probably could have been some great comedy mined from this fact if his character had been written a little more accurately. As it is, in BBT he just seems no different than the other three nerds. I personally think that they should have had Sheldon as a non-sex role, but as The Dude would say: "Hey Man..That's Just Like Your Opinion"


There really wasn't a weak actor among the cast (which is often the case), but Gabriel D'Alessandro, while not looking like Raj, had the performance that stood out as just a little bit better than everyone else's. I usually get to pick one person in these parodies who gets stuck with the bad wig, but the wig on Howard, pretty much looked like the bad hair that Howard has on the TV show. Although the plot was skimpy, it could easily have been a plot from the TV show (which is character driven anyway), and as I previously stated, the comic writing was great. Maybe someday Lee Roy will get everything right and move up to the level of Will Ryder, as it is, it looks like he must be comfortable with being a runner up. I rate this one a B-

TRU: A XXX PARODY

I wouldn't call Tru a parody of True Blood, instead I would call it a XXX reimagining of the original. The opening credits of the movie are very similar to True Blood's opening credits and set the scene for what I hoped was going to be a really good movie. Too bad that instead of getting to the story, we're jumped right to a long sex scene between Vanessa Naughty and Johnny Castle. This is obviously Lee Roy Myers' idea of how to open a movie, since he did the same thing in a couple of his other parodies that I have seen. At the end of the sex scene, Vanessa wants to know where Sookie Stackhouse is, when Johnny can't tell her, we hear a scream and see some blood spurting from his dead body.

Tru's next scene is between Sam (Evan Stone) and Sookie (Ashlynn Brooke). Sookie wants to get off work early to surprise Bill (James Deen) when he wakes up and Sam reluctantly agrees. Vanessa Naughty shows up in Sam's office and we now find out that she's Maryann. She wants to know where she can find Sookie, but Sam doesn't want to tell her. When Mary Ann goes into her vibration mode, which would cause Sam to shape shift (I only know this from watching the HBO series), he relents and says he'll tell her. Maryann is going to reward him with sex, but there's a scream from the parking lot. Sam realizes it sounds like Sookie and he rushes out to see what is wrong. SURPRISE! No sex scene.


Sookie has found someone dead inside a car and it will be revealed later that it's Lafayette, gay cousin of Tara (Misty Stone). We get a look inside the car when the cops arrive and we see Lafayette with his heart ripped out. Sookie promises Tara that she'll find out you killed Lafayette and she calls Bill to help her. Sookie tells him to come quick and in a funny bit, he arrives in a flash at super vampire speed and tells Sookie "he got there as quick as he could!".

Sookie and Bill go to see Eric (Bill Bailey) to see what they can find out. As I have mentioned many times, each XXX parody always has one person in a bad wig. Bill Bailey's wig looks like they just grabbed the first blond wig they could find and socked it on his head.


Cut back to the bar where Sookie's brother Jason (Levi Cash) has come to offer Tara his sympathies; but she gets mad when he starts talking about his support group and Misty gets to deliver the best line of the movie.....which I won't spoil here, but it includes Kayne West. Jason starts to leave but Tara tells him she doesn't want to be alone and you guessed it, this leads to the next sex scene. Misty Stone not only does a good job with Tara's accent and characterization, but also stays in character during the sex scene often referring to Levi as Jason.


Back at Eric's, Sookie is having trouble reading his mind. Which makes me have to say WTF.....didn't Ashlynn Brooke watch True Blood before writing this movie....Sookie CAN'T read vampires' minds, that's one of the reasons she is so attracted to Bill. Anyway, Sookie and Bill return to the bar and Sookie's not real pleased about what has gone on between Tara and Jason, but more importantly she wants to know what Jason has told the people in his support group. Before we get too much about the support group, Tru makes its next bad move with a flashback sex scene between Levi Cash and Gracie Glam, who are both high on "V" (vampire blood). There are only two explanations for this scene: forcing another sex scene into the movie OR someone just wanted to play with the color palette on their camera/editing machine (you'll have to watch the movie to see what I'm talking about). Either way, it grinds the storyline of Tru to a complete halt. It would have been better to have had the sex scene missed earlier between Sam and Maryann, at least it would have flowed with the story.

When we get back to the story of the support group, we find a couple of the women (Lana Violet, Lindy Lane) are very interested in Jason's story about buying vampire blood. The two women go to Eric's bar in order to find some V. Eric is astounded that they would ask a vampire directly for blood, but wants to know how they found out about V and he tells them that they'll have to answer a few questions as Shay Sights leads them to a red couch against a very black background (this made for a very dull set) and of course this starts as a g/g/g scene but Eric eventually joins the trio. After the sex scene, Eric finds out that Jason was the one who told them about V and then both girls are killed.

Back at Sam's bar, Jason finishes his flashback story and Sookie thinks Eric must be responsible for the death of Lafayette. Sookie goes alone to confront Eric. He tells her that he had wanted to kill Jason's source of V - Lafayette, but Lafayette was already dead when he got there. Eric is really into Sookie's mind reading and he's about to make her his, but as his fangs come out, Bill shows up and stops him. Sookie refuses to tell Eric where Jason is and Eric says there'll be a price to pay later.


Winding up the day (or night actually) Sookie and Bill take to her bed and we have the final sex scene. When Sookie wakes up the next morning, Bill is gone, but she hears a voice calling "Sookie, Sookie, Sookie" (could it be John Kay? - if you don't get that reference, too bad, it amuses me). She thinks Bill might be in trouble and goes to investigate and finds out it's actually Maryann using Bill's voice. She tells Sookie that she's the one who killed Lafayette and that she is now going to kill her. Maryann dips her hands into the dirt and comes up with claws instead of hands. This is true to the HBO series, where Maryann did a similar thing. Sookie makes a run for the woods as Maryann chases her. When Sookie falls, both women hear something coming towards them, while Mary Ann is distracted, Sookie takes a log and runs it through Mary Ann killing her. If you watched True Blood on HBO, you would know that this wasn't possible and is the second biggest mistake in the plot. We then find out what was rushing toward them was a dog, which morphs into Evan Stone! This is the end of movie and looks like the set up for a sequel, which I would definitely watch.

A lot of this plot may or may not sound confusing if you have never watched True Blood on HBO. Since I've watched all of the True Bloods (we're big vamp fans here at the House of X-Ray), the plot basically made sense to me. I think Ashylnn Brooke, who is credited as the writer, did a pretty good job of condensing most of the plots from the first two seasons of True Blood. IF, she had only paid a little more attention to some details and not gotten a couple of major plot points wrong, this would have been a great script. With those few plot flaws, the first long sex scene, the let's play with colors sex scene, and the red couch sex scene.....you know, after I think about it, most of the sex scenes pulled Tru down. So, I'll grade Tru this way: Sex Scenes: C- , Plot: B+, Average: B-

THIS AIN'T STAR TREK XXX #2 The Butterfly Effect

I've seen one terrible Axel Braun movie - Letterman's Nailin' Palin and one very good Axel Braun movie - This Ain't Star Trek XXX. Considering that sequels are hardly ever as good as the original, I knew that watching This Ain't Star Trek XXX - 2 (ST2) would be taking a chance on seeing another bad porn parody. Surprisingly, while it didn't live up to the first Star Trek parody, it wasn't totally bad......but it also wasn't totally good.

Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk beam down to the planet Butterfly 8 to investigate a missing mining vessel. The trio are captured with Captain Kirk (Evan Stone) being separated from Bones (Cheyne Collins) and Spock (Tony DeSergio). Two creatures come to interrogate Bones and Spock, Bones tells them that he's just a doctor and that Spock has all the info they might need. The two creatures take off their heads and we see they're actually two babes (Kagney Linn Karter and Madison Scott), who continue to take off stuff until their butterfly wings (cheap ass looking cardboard) are revealed. Looks like Bones has messed up, since now he has to sit in the corner while Spock has sex with the two maidens. From what I could understand, having sex is the way they drain the information from their opponents. Why Spock was susceptible to their charms, I can only guess it was "The Butterfly Effect", otherwise, this is quite illogical.


Back on the Enterprise, Sulu (Keni Styles) and Checkov (Joey Brass) are concerned that they can't contact the landing party. They also can't get a hold of the senior officer on board, Scotty (Anthony Roasano). The reason, they can't get Scotty is he's busy having sex with Uhura (Jada Fire). Conveniently, they find Scotty and Uhura just as they finish their sex scene! Scotty asks them to keep this quiet and he'll beam them down to find the landing party. Scotty is still distracted thinking about Uhura and accidentally beams Sulu and Checkov to 1963, where they find President Kennedy (Johnny Castle) having sex with Marilyn Monroe (Alexis Texas), the night before he is supposed to leave for Dallas.

Ok, this scene really didn't have anything to do with the rest of the movie, but if you remember the original Star Trek, they sometimes interacted with past historical characters. Anyway, Sulu and Chekov hide and watch Kennedy and Marilyn have sex. This actually turned out to be the best sex scene in the movie. Johnny Castle made a terrible Kennedy and his accent wasn't even close, BUT, Alexis made a great Marilyn in the white dress from "The Seven Year Itch", which she keeps on during the whole scene. Alexis also maintains her character talking to the President in her Marilyn voice throughout the whole scene, occasionally calling him Mr. President. Alexis really made this scene stand out and definitely brought some heat to the movie.


After the sex scene, Sulu and Chekov warn the President not to go to Dallas the next day because he will be assassinated. In a "You Can't Change History", we learn later, that even though Kennedy didn't go to Dallas, he was still killed the next day by Jackie, when she caught him with Marilyn.

Sulu and Chekov finally get beamed to the correct place and are immediately captured by Jennifer Dark, resulting once again in a sex scene. How will the crew get out of their predicament? I'll let you watch the movie and find out, but I will tell you, in case you haven't noticed, Captain Kirk has been missing since he was captured at the first of the movie. When ST2 finally gets back to him, we find him in the bedroom of The Queen of Butterfly 8 (Kimberly Kane)


It seemed to me that the plot of ST2 was awfully thin and was just sandwiched between very l-o-n-g sex scenes that didn't flow very good with the story. In other words, the story existed to get to the sex scenes, rather than the sex scenes existed because of the story. Besides Johnny Castle's terrible Kennedy accent, several other actor/performers also wavered with their accents throughout ST2. As far as characterization, only Evan Stone as Kirk, Anthony Roasano as Scotty and Alexis Texas as Marilyn seemed to understand their roles and made the effort to have constant accents. Taking into account all of the above, I rate this one a C+

This Ain't Star Trek 2: The Butterfly Effect starring Alexis Texas, Jada Fire, Anthony Rosano, Kimberly Kane, Kagney Linn Karter, Tony de Sergio, Johnny Castle, Jennifer Dark, Madison Scott, Joey Brass, Keni Styles and directed by Axel Braun

WRITER'S BULLPEN

The first scene of the movie we see is one that is supposed to have been written by Tommy Gunn and Chris Cannon. It's a milkman (Mr. Pete) delivering milk to Alexis Texas, and as usual in a XXX movie, the milkman delivers a lot more than milk. The owner of the movie company is fed up with such bad scripts Tommy and Chris have been turning in, like the milkman scene; so he brings in his top contract star, Kaylani Lei, who is going to show them how to write a decent XXX script. The trio then plows through different ideas for stories. These story ideas are visualized and set up as the subsequent sex scenes in the movie.

Kaylani first writes a caveman scene starring herself with Rocco Reed. This is followed by Kagney Lynn Karter in an outer space scene with Kagney bringing two cavemen ( Anthony Rosano & John West) aboard her spaceship. Events continue to get mixed together as two cowboys (Tommy and Chris) meet up with cavewoman Kaylani, which is followed by a final scene in a lab with a scientist (Chris Johnson) with Alektra Blue and Kaylani Lei.

While some of those scenes sound like they might be fun to watch, the humor is always the forced over the top "look how funny we can be" type. The use of really cheap sets for each of the scenes is used to further illustrate how clever they are and that they know they're writing schlock. The trouble is, nothing struck me as really funny and the cheap sets just looked.....well, Cheap! Jonathan Morgan comedy XXX movies are usually great productions with lots of laughs and good acting; but in the case of Writer's Bullpen, he just made a movie as bad as the ones he's lampooning. I've seen worse comedy porno movies, but not many, I'm rating this one a D and I probably would have rated it even lower, but since it was short (89 minutes) I moved it up a grade.

Writer's Bullpen starring Alektra Blue, Alexis Texas, Kaylani Lei, Kagney Linn Karter, Anthony Rosano, Rocco Reed, Chris Johnson, Tommy Gunn, Chris Cannon, Mr Pete, John West and directed by Jonathan Morgan

WHAT'S A GIRL GOTTA DO?

This movie had a couple of things going for it from the start with the combination of Stormy Daniels, one of the best light comedy actresses in XXX movies today, and Jonathan Morgan, one of the best XXX comedy directors. If What's A Girl Gotta Do? didn't contain hardcore sex scenes, but instead was an R rated movie, I think it would fall into the category of a "Madcap Sex Romp".

Stormy is up for a big promotion at work and is going to throw a dinner party to impress her boss, Randy Spears. Stormy has invited people to her party who she considers to be important and/or interesting. She thinks once her boss meets these people, he will be so impressed with her "crowd", he will have a higher opinion of her. As Stormy tells us about each of her guests we meet them and this sets up, for the most part, a sex scene. When the movie FINALLY gets to the actual party, Jonathan Morgan shines with his comedic story telling and Stormy shines with her adept feel for light comedy.

As the guests start to arrive at the party, everywhere you look things are starting to go pieces: VooDoo has thrown his back out while having sex and he's lying naked on the bathroom floor; the caterers have canceled at the last minute; unexpected guests are showing up; and on top of all that, the boss is thinking about skipping out early.


Everyone in What's A Girl Gotta Do? does a good acting job, there wasn't a weak actor in the cast. The person that really surprised me was VooDoo, who carries off the comic bit about his back being out, that rivals the "madcapness" you usually only see coming from Stephen St. Croix or Eric Masterson.

There's a lot of great one-liners in What's A Girl Gotta Do? included in the great comedic situations. My only complaint (other than too many boob jobs) would be that the first part of the movie was close to a vignette style, with only very short bits of dialogue, followed by long sex scenes; while the last part of the movie was a great comedy with just a couple of sex scenes. Too bad the comedy and the sex couldn't have been more evenly spaced. I rate What's A Girl Gotta Do? a B+


In what is really an "extra scene", the credits are interrupted by Eric Masterson, asking if we want to see him get his freak on. This was a pretty good way to include another sex scene in What's A Girl Gotta Do? without using some hackneyed plot device (i.e. watching a porn movie on TV in the movie) to force another scene into the plot.

What's A Girl Gotta Do? starring Nicole Sheridan, Stormy Daniels, Voodoo, Kelli Tyler, Rita Faltoyano, Alexis Malone, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Steven St. Croix and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

NAKED ILLUSIONS

When I saw the great artwork on the front of this box and saw that Naked Illusions was directed by Randy Spears, written by Cash Markman, and starred Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Eric Masterson, I was sure this was going to be a great movie. Well, I was half right!

Brad Armstrong plays a magician who has written a bestseller exposing the secrets of magic. He is performing at a club with his assistants Devon Michaels and Carmen Hart. Eric Masterson is his agent and is having an affair with Brad's wife, Katie Morgan. While Brad is performing his act on stage, Katie and Eric have sex backstage and I have to say that this was the most uninspired sex scene I have ever seen Katie perform. During part of his disappearing act on stage, Brad sneaks backstage and kills Katie while Eric is in the shower. Although, I'm somewhat a fan of Katie's, I wasn't disappointed to find she wouldn't be in the rest of the movie, since not only her sex scene was bad but her acting was also leaving something to be desired. Brad thinks he has an ironclad alibi and he plans to pin the murder on Eric.

Devon Michaels, Brad's number one assistant, has been having an affair with Brad and once the duo arrive back at Brad's, they of course celebrate by having sex. Brad next goes to see Eric's wife, August Night, and hypnotizes her by having her look in a glass of wine. If that sounds stupid, then watch the movie, because it is STUPID. While he has her under his spell he convinces her that her husband, Eric, really did kill Katie. Brad decides to have sex with August and has her imagine someone from her past that she has always been hot for. We then get a sex scene between August and Seth Dickens.

Up to this point in Naked Illusions I was pretty disappointed in the movie. The plot was just so-so and Brad Armstrong, never the best actor in XXX to begin with, was really weak in his role. I think Brad was trying to appear super egotistical, which would have fit with his character; instead he came off as just overacting. Whatever the problem, he was really pulling the movie down. I kept thinking, why didn't Randy cast himself in this role, he would have been perfect for it.

I was determined to continue watching what I was starting to consider a really poor choice in my rental selection, when the movie turned itself around. What caused this sudden switch, I can only think it was the result of one person - Carmen Hart.

Brad sends his assistant Carmen off with Van Damage as some extra compensation for Van Damage signing Brad to a Vegas contract. Van Damage remarks that he doesn't know how this happened and thinks Brad may have hypnotized him. Since Carmen tells Van Damage that Brad always gets what he wants, we have to assume he's been hypnotizing lots of people. This probably also includes us viewers, since the magic tricks Brad performs are juvenile level tricks that really aren't very convincing for the great magician he's supposed to be. Carmen brings some heat to her sex scene, which is good, since all the previous ones in Naked Illusions had just been your standard "by the numbers" scenes.

Carmen's up again in the next scene as she confronts Brad and tells him that she knows how he killed his wife. We then see a flashback explaining how he did it. She promises not to turn him in IF she can go back to being his number one assistant, get a raise, and they can be "bad" together. HEY! It looks like she's pretty easy to please! So Brad goes along with her. This results in another sex scene which is almost, but not quite as good as Carmen's other scene.

Brad decides to double cross Carmen and he's going to kill her onstage during a "sword through the box trick", but the detective who has been on the case from the start and has always doubted Brad, catches on in the nick of time and arrests him. In a funny moment (probably the only "intentionally" humorous moment in the film), Carmen is inside the box yelling "I'll tell everything" and "let me out". No one lets her out and the last we see of her are her eyes peeking out a slit in the box and she's still yelling over and over for somebody to please get her out.

Brad is in jail, but the very end of the movie leaves some doubt in the viewers mind that he may escape the clutches of the law, OR they were setting up for a sequel, which thank goodness never occurred.

Carmen Hart brought a "double whammy" of being a good actress in her role and a good performer in her sex scenes, both together really helped save this movie from turning into a real clunker. I have yet to see any movie where she has not been excellent in both her acting and performing, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that that trend continues.

Naked Illusions was touted as being Randy Spears first direction job for Wicked and was made a year before his excellent Off The Air. I will give Randy credit for having huge chunks of plot between the sex scenes, a nice touch. Plus, the sex scenes while long, for the most part, weren't mind numbingly long, another nice touch. In my opinion, this was the worst scripted Cash Markman movie I've ever seen. The main reason for this, I believe, is that Cash is better at writing comedy than he is at writing drama. As they say in The Big Lebowski (the real one, not that travesty of a porn parody) - " You're Out of Your Element, Donnie (Cash)"

Rating: first half: D ..... Second half: B ..... Average: C

Naked Illusions starring Van Damage, Devon Michaels, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Seth Dickens, August Night, Eric Masterson, Brad Armstrong and directed by Randy Spears

MODEL BEHAVIOR

There are two storylines in Model Behavior. One storyline is about Stormy Daniels and the escort service she operates. This part of Model Behavior is used to set up a series of vignettes as different girls are sent to meet different clients. I was not very enthused with this sparse plot line and almost stopped watching. Luckily the other storyline held my interest just enough to keep me watching. This second storyline is about Stormy being stalked by a former lover, who has just gotten out of jail and blames Stormy for putting him there.

A very small bit of the stalker plot is revealed between each of the vignettes, but the stalker storyline really doesn't get rolling until the last fifteen minutes. Once the stalker (Randy Spears) finally appears in a very well directed and acted scene, the suspense really picks up and the movie kicks into high gear. It made me really want to see how things would work out in the end. Unfortunately, the box cover gives too big of a hint about the ending; however, there are still some events that will play out a little differently than you expect. I won't say any more, for those who wish to see Model Behavior and don't won't the ending completely spoiled.

Randy Spears is, as I've stated before, one of the better actors in today's XXX movies. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary with his direction of the movie, except for the one scene mentioned above; but he also wrote the movie, and even if the plot was reminiscent of some mainstream movies, I found it novel for a XXX feature. It's too bad that Model Behavior didn't build the suspense throughout the whole movie, instead of just getting tacked on at the end.

Stormy always carries her own in any movie she appears in, that's one of the reasons, besides her sex appeal, she's one of the top female actor/performers around today. Model Behavior was no exception to the rule, since Stormy was excellent in her dramatic scenes.

It's too bad that 90 minutes of Model Behavior was for the most part wasted on me (very little plot, uninspired sex scenes, fake boobs, nothing that I'm looking for in a feature XXX movie). This would normally cause a rating of at best a D, but the last 15 minutes of Model Behavior deserves an A, so I'm going to average this one out to a solid C.

Model Behavior starring Stormy Daniels, Rocco Reed, Tanya James, Kayla Paige, Randy Spears, Charisma Cappelli, Jack Vegas, Brad Armstrong, Eric Masterson and written and directed by Randy Spears.

The SEX FILES: A DARK XXX PARODY

Anthony Rosano and Kimberly Kane play Mulder and Scully and just as Eric Swiss made the perfect Al Bundy and Rachel Love made the perfect Kitty from The 70s Show, Kimberly Kane was obviously born to play Scully.

I'll skip over the opening scene, since it has a little bit of a twist, but after that scene The Sex Files has the opening credits, including theme music, that are very reminiscent of the original X-Files.

We find Mulder bored and throwing pencils into the ceiling of his office, just as he did on X-Files. Thankfully Mulder and Scully get an assignment - There has been a rash of killings in Los Angeles which have some similarities to ritual and/or Satanic murders and this requires the expertise of Mulder and Scully. After getting their assignment, they leave and we are treated to our first sex scene. The boss summons his secretary and they have sex. How inventive, don't think I've ever seen that......... except for about 100 times.


At the crime scene, we are shown a pretty decent F/X corpse, but then the scene is ruined when a very white sheet with markings was supposedly removed from the victim's body and we are told it was stuffed all the way down to his stomach....doubtful, unless the victim had the cleanest innards of anyone known to man. But Mulder decides this is a sex magic case, and he's off and running. This scene is then followed by Mulder and Scully driving in their car while Mulder advances the plot with some information about the British Occultist Alistair Crowley, and also about Lillith, the Biblical Adam's first wife, who is now an evil demon bitch.

Later that night, Mulder is alone in his room and decides he wants a pizza. Not being able to get Scully to answer, he walks into her room to see if she wants something to eat and finds her coming out of the shower completely naked. Yay! Fanboys shriek in delight...finally Scully nude. Well not actually Scully, but Kimberly Kane looks so much like her with the red wig, who wants to split hairs (pubic or otherwise). After Mulder takes a good long look and is told she has already eaten, he returns to his room. Later that night, we see Mulder watching porn on his TV and here comes the next sex scene in the movie. Wow, how inventive, inserting a porn movie into a porn movie, don't think I've ever seen that...... except for about a 100 times.


The next day Mulder and Scully go see Andrew Barsons (Ralph Long), since he is the supposed leader of a group that is into sex magic, which Barsons denies. Ralph Long drags this scene and the later scene he is in down with his non-acting ability, plus he seems to have the same effect on Mulder and Scully, since all three appear to be reading from cue cards at this point in the movie. Later that night Mulder and Scully go back and examine Barsons' house and find definite clues that prove Barsons was lying and that he does still head up the group.

Next up is a nightclub scene with Audrey Bitoni and Evan Stone on the prowl for an extra woman to take home. They enter the club and since we see no one else around, I either assume that the club has just opened or that this is just a suck-ass club. But as luck would have it (or as twisting the plot to fit would have it) Lilith (Ashlynn Brooke) is there and comes up to Bitoni and Stone and they start having sex right away. Good thing there's not anybody else in the club or this might draw a crowd! But at least our old friend folding chair, who from now on I will call Porno Folding Chair or PFC, as last seen in the elevator in Missionary Position Impossible (click here for review), is in the back ground and we know PFC will be seeing some action before this scene is over. Needless to say, Audrey and Evan wind up dead, as the next scene shows us Mulder looking at two bloody sheets with bodies underneath, which are now outside the club for some odd reason (maybe the light was better for filming!).


At the autopsy, Scully finds that Evan's heart was taken from his body, the word "Fox" carved into it and then it was replaced back into Evan's body. While Scully has been doing the autopsy, Mulder has gone back to Barsons and we find that he has been drugged and tied up - SPOILER ALERT - Scully gets there just in time to save him. After the rescue, we are then treated to another Ralph Long scene as he explains everything that has been going on. This results in a flashback orgy scene..gee, a flashback to insert a sex scene, I've never seen that..... except for about 100 times. The orgy scene is followed by the final non sex scene in The Sex Files and I won't reveal it for those who haven't seen the movie, but there is a morph scene here with F/X equal to any non-XXX production you will most likely see. I even rewound the movie at this point to look at the scene again to see if I could tell how they did it.


After reporting back to headquarters, Scully and Mulder go their separate ways. Mulder comes over to Scully's later that night and tells her he's always bummed out and thinking about his sister (this refers back to the original series) but he has thought over what is really important to him. This leads to (Fanboys start shrieking) Mulder and Scully having sex. Ok, once again, it's not really Scully, but who wants to split red hairs!

I thought this was one of the better XXX takes on a regular TV show, since the characters and the plot both remained true to the original spirit of The X-Files. The direction and writing by Sam Hain was top-notch and I hope to see his name attached to some future projects. Sure there's some hackneyed plot points that are used in order to get a couple of the sex scenes inserted, but they mainly stand out because the rest of the movie is so well plotted; and even taking into account Ralph Long's bad dramatic acting ( his sitcum acting is much better), he mainly stands out since everyone else does such a good job, so it's easy to rate this one an A-

The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody starring Aurora Snow, Anthony Rosano, Charley Chase, Audrey Bitoni, Kimberly Kane, Ashlynn Brooke, Ralph Long, Gracie Glam, Pike Nelson, Jackie Daniels, Angelica Raven, Evan Stone, Rod Fontana and written and directed by Sam Hain

PIPE DREAMS

Take a pinch of David Stanley (the writer) and a pinch of Paul Thomas (the director) add in some Manuel Ferrara and Janine (the actors) and what do you get? One Hell of A Bad Movie.

The first two sex scenes in Pipe Dreams revolve around Manuel doing plumbing jobs. In the first scene there's a couple having sex almost right next to Manuel (there was a curtain dividing them). Guess they had to do something to pass the time while the plumbing was being fixed. The next scene finds Manuel doing a plumbing job at an S/M club and the owner can't pay him, so he lets Manuel watch some kinky sex. Usually in a porno it's the plumber who is having the sex, but I guess David Stanley and Paul Thomas really wanted to show how creative they are and turn the story upside down. (That last sentence is NOT to be taken seriously.)

Manuel's brother Paul Thomas makes XXX movies (wow, what a casting choice, wonder how he got that part). Yes, you read correctly, for some strange reason, Paul and Manuel are brothers, even though Manuel has an accent that you can barely understand.... maybe they're foster brothers.... or maybe they're soul brothers...no I don't think that could be it.....hell, just make up your own reason, since there's no logic behind it and I'm tired of thinking about it. Anyway, Manuel wants to meet a woman and the brothers come up with a plan for a fake porn movie. Manuel will do the casting and that will allow him to meet women. Oh yeah, let's not forget that Manuel also has to write the script for the movie. Hey! Manuel just write down all the things you have seen as a plumber....the script will be done in no time.

Manuel's first audition is going to be Janine, even though Paul Thomas doesn't think she can act. Before she arrives at the fake casting, Paul and Manuel watch a tape of Janine. I'm sure this had to be in the script, since it is a recurring (and cheating in my opinion) way that David Stanley includes a sex scene in a movie without having to write plot. Manuel and Janine really click with each other, plus the script that Manuel wrote turns out to be so good that Paul decides to really shoot the movie.

Manuel finds out that Janine is on the kinky S/M side and Pipe Dreams takes a turn to this kinky side for the rest of the movie. I've read that Pipe Dreams was a take on a Japanese horror movie, so I'm guessing that what happens to Manuel near the end of the movie is the horror part....the horror part for me was sitting through an hour and half of this lousy movie. I rate this one a solid D

Pipe Dreams starring Melissa Lauren, Justine Joli, Austin Kincaid, Venus, Janine, Paul Thomas, Sofia Sandobar, Manuel Ferrara, Jerry, Steven St. Croix and directed by Paul Thomas.

RENDEZVOUS

I haven't had much luck with David Stanley movies. While nothing has been bad, I've only seen one (Carmen Goes South) that I felt was anything more than average. Rendezvous is no exception, but it does have some of the better adult actors involved in the production: Carmen Hart, Randy Spears, and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous begins with Randy Spears going on a business trip and we find that he is married to Jamie Huxley, who cares nothing for Randy. When Randy arrives at his hotel (which appears to be in some Third World Country), he is greeted by Eric Masterson, an insane desk clerk. Eric Masterson shows us he can get his crazy on with the best of them (i.e. Steven St. Croix). At first Eric tells Randy that he doesn't have a room for him, but eventually agrees to give him a room.

Randy can't get his wife on the phone and we see that she is busy having sex with Barrett Blade. Randy falls asleep and dreams that a lovely woman is rubbing her feet and legs all over him. Much to his surprise, when he awakes he finds Carmen Hart is in his bed. It seems that this is her room and she freaks out finding Randy in her bed and kicks him out.

Randy tries to deal with the insane desk clerk again but only gets sent back to share the room with Carmen, who for some reason, now doesn't object. On his return to the room, Randy finds Carmen is watching a porno on the TV and he watches along with her. This is a porn plot that I always consider a cheating way of inserting another sex scene in the movie without using any plot and I have seen David Stanley use this in some of his other movies.

The plot of Rendezvous really started to bog down to me at this point, since it turned mainly into a succession of sex scenes: The next morning when Randy awakes he finds Carmen having sex with the maid, when they move to the bed, Randy leaves for the dining room; in the dining room Randy sees another couple getting hot and heavy with each other and he leaves (only in pornos do people have sex in a dining room occupied by other people......unless I've just been going to the wrong restaurants); then after that sex scene finishes, next up is a sex scene between Carmen and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous finally gets back on track and turns itself into a romance between Carmen and Randy. The movie has a little bit of a twist ending, which I won't reveal here. I did enjoy the movie, but a lot of that had to do with having three strong XXX actors who were able to carry a humorous but weak and flimsy plot. I grade this one a C

Rendezvous starring Mika Tan, Talon, Carmen Hart, Joanna Angel, Stephanie Tripp, Jamie Huxley, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Chris Cannon, Barrett Blade and directed by David Stanley

SHAGNET

This movie was made in 2001 before the current new wave of parodies and Shagnet illustrates the right way to make a XXX spoof/parody unlike some of the newer stabs at this genre. While doing some research on Shagnet, I found some evidence that Joe Thursday was also a character in "Pleasureville" and that Thursday and Blannon were also in "Desperately Seeking Shay". Unfortunately, I have not seen either of those two movies and cannot confirm those facts. However, both of those movies were also directed and written by Cash Markman, so it appears those facts are probably correct.

Shagnet begins just like Dragnet with a voice over by Joe and a view of the Los Angeles City Hall. It's 1970 and inside City Hall we find Joe Thursday (Steve Austin) and Officer Blannon (Anthony Crane) as they are being given their assignment to crack down on the porn films being made in the San Fernando Valley. It seems that in the past year, 12 porn movies have been made. Joe and Blannon's Captain tells them if this doesn't stop, by 2001 they could be making up to 50 porn movies a year.

Joe and Blannon are sent to investigate a complaint that has been made by Ward and June Bluepecker (Mike Horner and Elizabeth X). They have been hearing peculiar noises coming from next door. The gag in the movie is that Mike and Elizabeth are watching Shagnet on TV. They can see the cops arriving at their house and walking up to their door. Joe and Blannon investigate next door and find Cash Markman shooting a porn. Since the Bluepecker's are still watching Shagnet on their TV, they can see the porn scene that is being shot and we get two sex scenes here, one of the porn shoot and one with Ward and June, who have gotten hot from watching the action on their TV.

The pornography laws are weak and Joe and Blannon don't see any way they can arrest anyone for anything. Later, they decide to return to the house where the porn movie is being shot, but are denied entry without a warrant. They sneak around back and peek over the fence to watch another porn shoot happening outside. This scene is between a war protester (Evan Stone) and the Governor's wife (Jewel De'Nyle). Give Evan credit, since during the sex scene he tries to stay in character saying something that would fit with the scene; however, it's obvious from the odd reaction that Jewel gives him that she doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. Joe and Blannon still don't see anything that occurs during this scene that they think they can arrest anyone for, so they decide to try another tactic.

Joe and Blannon go undercover and dress as a couple of women and arrive at the porn set. At the set, they are sent to make-up and advised to apply it heavily. Joe gets a sex scene here dressed as a woman and we have to assume that his partner (Angelica Sin) just thinks he's a she/male. The funny touch comes at the end of this scene where a new performer named Ron Jeremy (remember this is suppose to be 1970) is told he needs to do a dirty hard anal scene. Ron mistakenly thinks they mean Joe, who is still dressed as a woman and Joe gets nailed from behind by Ron.

Back at the station Joe and Blannon have brought in Sunshine Love (Kate Frost) for questioning. Joe has to leave the room and rush to the bathroom, since after his anal probe from Ron he's been having a lot of trouble with his rear end. While he's gone Blannon has a sex scene with Kate, but Joe returns and breaks up the sex (no pop shot here), still Blannon states that having sex with the hippie was "groovy".

The cops finally get a stronger law and are able to bust the pornographers. Shagnet ends just like TV's Dragnet, showing what the porn people were convicted of and their sentences. Then the arm bangs "Mark Cashman" into the screen instead of "Mark VII"

Shagnet had a logical plot from start to finish, the sex scenes flowed with the story and there were a lot of really funny lines. Steve Austin and Anthony Crane understood their parts and did a great job as Joe and Blannon. They had the clipped talk, nodding at each others dialogue, and the stick up the butt walk down perfect. Shagnet also went the extra mile by placing some older cars on the street in order to make you believe it was 1970. The weakest part of Shagnet was the sex scenes, but I'm still grading this one an A-

Shagnet starring Angelica Sin, Bridgette Kerkove, Cash Markman, Elizabeth X, Jewel De'Nyle, Kate Frost, Alec Metro, Anthony Crane, Evan Stone, Frank Buckwyd, Mike Horner, Steve Austin, Ted Hunter, Ron Jeremy and directed/written by Cash Markman

CHEERS: A XXX PARODY

I had decided that among all of the sitcum directors, Lee Roy Myers movies were never up to the level of Will Ryder, or for that matter, even Axel Braun movies. Then along comes Cheers A XXX Parody and by gosh by golly, Lee Roy has got his act together. Sure the sex scenes are way too long, most of the actors don't stay in character during their scenes and Lee Roy does one very distracting thing when directing his sex scenes.....at the end of each sex scene, he has the actress play to the camera....BAD BAD LEE ROY (and you're not even Brown).

Besides the sets and the costumes being excellent, what really stands out about the movie is the writing, also credited to Lee Roy Myers. The script of this sitcum could have been a regular Cheers script, except the majority of this dialog is about sex. As I have mentioned in some of my other reviews, it seems every sitcum has one character in a terrible wig. In Cheers A XXX Parody, we get two bad wigs, one on Otto Bauer as Fraiser and one on J Walker as Norm.

The plot revolves around Sam (Joel Lawrence) trying to convince Diane (Monique Alexander) that he's a changed man, in hopes that he can win her over. As Sam divests the things that he believes are keeping Diane from liking him, the movie is able to have sex scenes that can be included logically within the plot.

First up, Fraiser (Otto Bauer) buys Sam's Corvette. When he gets home and tells Lillith (Alexis Texas), Lillith sees Fraiser in a different light and they hit the bedroom. Selling his Corvette doesn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his cologne to Cliff (Evan Stone) and Cliff's luck changes with the ladies and he hits it off with one of the customers in the bar (Katie St. Ives). Giving away the cologne also didn't impress Diane, so Sam gives his hair products to Carla (Anabelle Lee), this of course, results in the next sex scene in the movie between Carla and another customer in the bar (Amber Swift).

Finally, just like a scene would play in the TV version of Cheers, Sam and Diane get really mad at each other, but their ire turns to lust and of course this results in a sex scene. Sam is so happy that he finally has Diane that he gives his little black book to Woody (Mr Pete). Using Sam's little black book, Woody makes a blind date. His blind date doesn't show up and Woody thinks her friend (Sara Stone) has come in her place. This results in a small surprise at the end of the movie and also leaves the stage open for a sequel. IF the sequel could come anywhere near matching this movie, I would definitely want to see it.

It was odd, to me, seeing Mr. Pete acting. I have only seen him previously in scenes where Mr. Pete was only required to have minimal dialog. He does an excellent job as Woody. It reminded me that some years back I would only see Tommy Gunn in scenes that required very little acting. Tommy Gunn has turned out to be a pretty decent actor and here's hoping since he was so good as Woody, that Mr. Pete will continue with more actual acting in XXX movies.

It's hard to pick any one actor in Cheers XXX who was the best, since everyone was good in their parts. Evan Stone, as usual in these sitcums, really gets into his part. Evan must really be a big fan of the reruns on TV Land. If Lee Roy could have gotten the actors to stay in character during their sex scenes and NOT had the females play to the camera at the end of their sex scenes, I could have easily rated this one an A, as it is, it still richly deserves a B+

NOT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN XXX

This XXX movie is pretty much like any episode of TV's Married with Children. The main plot revolves around Al and his job at the shoe store. There's a new salesman at the store making Al look bad. If Al doesn't pick up the pace, he's going to lose his job. I know that sounds sort of skimpy, but Not Married With Children XXX, just like the TV show, is more character driven than story driven.

The real stand out in the movie is Eric Swiss playing Al. While, he doesn't look that much like Al (Ed O'Neill), he's got the character's mannerisms and speech patterns down pat. In my opinion he carries the whole movie. Casting Brittany O'Connell as Peg was a good choice. While a lot of the character of Peg lies in the big red wig and her clothes, the role also calls for someone that can deliver the "Peg lines" with the right attitude and Brittaney did an excellent job in her role.

The two actors playing Kelly (Kagney Linn Karter) and Bud (Dane Cross) didn't do anything to distinguish themselves. I never got the feeling that I was seeing Kelly or Bud, just two fairly decent porno actors. India Summer plays Marcie and also does a good job, but she obliviously got awarded the bad wig (every time I see a parody, one character always has a bad wig). This wig ranks right up there with the bad wig that Tommy Gunn had in Not Three's Company.


Not Married With Children XXX was well written, well directed, and the set inside the Bundy's house was spot on. The audience noises and laughs were all in the right places and you could almost believe that you were watching the regular TV version of Married With Children. The only real difference in the TV show and this parody version is instead of implied sex, there is actual sex. There was only one bad scene in the movie and it was a sex scene involving a BJ that was so badly executed, I just wound up laughing. However, that one scene wasn't enough to discourage me from enjoying this movie and giving it an A-

Not Married With Children XXX starring Kagney Linn Karter, India Summers, Dane Cross, Payton Leigh, Brittany O'Connell, Madison Scott, Brooke Belle, Eric Swiss, Kimber James, Allyssa Hall, Emy Reyes, Kora Cummings and directed by Will Ryder

A WOLF'S TAIL

This is the second part of a triolgy, the first part is called "A Witch's Tail" and the third part is called "A Devil's Tail", neither of which I have seen.

The plot: Asia Carrera is writing a new chapter for her book about Vampires....WTF....I thought his was about Wolves or at least a Wolfman! In Asia's mind we see the scene she is writing...cue sex scene. Next up, Asia's agent calls to check on how the book is coming. She tells him she is going to get some information from a vampire expert. When the phone call ends, we get the cliched boss and secretary setup..cue sex scene. Asia has gotten an old diary from the vampire expert. This diary was written by an ancient vampire (Herschel Savage). He's pissed about his diary being stolen and sends a couple of his minions to take care of Asia's expert. Asia meanwhile has been magically transported by reading the diary and has met a vampire...cue sex scene...after having sex the vamp is going to bite her, but at the last minute, she is saved by a wolf. Thank Goodness, finally a wolf has appeared in A Wolf's Tail. The wolf eventually turns into Evan Stone...cue sex scene. Asia finds out that she has great powers and that the wolf is her protector...cue next part of Triolgy.

A Wolf's Tail had only very brief moments of storyline to hold together what was basically a bunch of vignettes (I didn't mention all of the sex scenes in the plot outline above). Although I'm not that big of a fan of director Bud Lee, I have seen a couple of his other features that I liked: Blue Angel and Love At First Byte were both pretty good. However, A Wolf's Tail left a lot to be desired in a feature XXX movie in my opinion and I have no interest in seeing the first or third installments of this triolgy. Even with the lovely Asia Carrer as the star, I still rate this one a D+

A Wolf's Tail starring Sydnee Steele, Asia Carrera, Dee, Allysin Chaynes, Alexandra Nice, George Kaplan, Elizabeth X., Evan Stone, Herschel Savage, Joel Lawrence, Alec Metro, Dillion Day, Devin Wolf and directed by Bud Lee

WATCHERS

Even though I had only seen one good Michael Raven movie in the past (The Visitors), when I saw that Watchers had won 2001 AVN Awards for Best Film, Best Screenplay, Best Editing and Best Supporting Actor (Randy Spears), I guessed that this must be one hell of a movie. Well guess again, Bucko!

Watchers turned out to be a grainy film with Randy Spears in one his worst acting jobs ever. Randy was over dramatic in delivering his lines from the badly written script. As far as the editing award, I can only guess it was awarded for the quick in and out cuts of little bits of the storyline into some of the sex scenes.

The movie begins with Mike Horner, not the greatest actor in porn but usually not too bad, managing to achieve a career high in bad acting. After the titles, Watchers moves fairly quickly to the first sex scene. After this first sex scene, we get maybe two lines of dialogue before the next sex scene. I was starting to think that there wasn't going to be much of a plot; however, Watchers actually got plot heavier for the rest of the movie. I'm assuming Michael Raven wanted to get the viewer hooked in with the sex scenes, before trying to get them hooked into the story. This almost worked backwards on me, since I was about to give up, thinking there wasn't any plot at all.

The plot of Watchers is about the forces of good and evil battling over one woman's soul and once the plot finally kicked in, Watchers gave me lots of laughs. The unfortunate part is that Watchers is a drama! My first big laugh came when Syndee Steele goes to the police because she thinks the bad dreams she has been having are connected to some cult killings that are happening. When she's in the police station, Randy Spears (who no one is suppose to be able to see) is crouching (yes crouching) on a file cabinet in the background. That was my first laugh out loud moment, with many more to follow. Now that I think about it, Randy crouches several more times in the movie, heck maybe it was in the direction he was given. There's also a lot of slow walking and creeping about in Watchers, so I can see where crouching could also be a directorial decision.

Next up, Syndee is in the tub and considering suicide and we see Randy (sort of crouching on the couch) in the background. Randy talks Syndee out of killing herself. Amazingly, Syndee shows little concern that someone is inside her locked apartment, although she does ask him about it later.

The next scene we find Mike Horner walking back and forth in front of a prostitute, who turns out to be a demon. Why was Mike just walking back and forth in front of this one hooker... oh, I'd call that bad direction. Anyway the demon tries to attract him sexually but Mike resists and the demon responds in "demon talk" and we get subtitles for a translation (yes, subtitles, why not throw in another bad element).

A couple of cops have been put on the cult case killings, Julie Meadows and Dillon Day, although they don't get a lot to do. Julie is the best actor in Watchers and she also has the only really good line in the movie: "I can't believe they shot a girl". They do participate in a big shootout with Julie and Dillon and Mike against the demons. You did read that correctly, for some reason the demons or maybe they're just minions all have weapons and can be killed with bullets.

Mr Marcus is the head demon and he escapes with Syndee, but Randy shows up to fight Mr. Marcus for her. Oh yeah, Randy is wearing a "puffy shirt" (yes, a puffy shirt) when he arrives. After he sends Mr Marcus back to hell, Syndee asks him to explain things but he tells her it is better left a mystery (I translated this to "we wrote it and we don't have a good explanation").

I cannot believe how over the top bad this movie was and the fact that it won so many awards in 2001. I can't count the times that I laughed out loud at some of the self-important overwrought dialogue in the movie. I know Ed Wood is often held up as one of the worst directors of all times (a fact I disagree with), but believe me Ed Wood doesn't have anything over Michael Raven's Watchers. Either porn movies have gotten better in the last 10 years or someone got paid off for those awards. Watchers deserves a D but since it did provide me with a lot of unintentional laughs and a lot of fun yelling WTF at the TV, I'm going kick it up to a D+

Watchers starring: Sydnee Steele, Katja Kean, Randy Spears, Mr. Marcus, Chennin Blanc, Julie Meadows, Shay Sweet, George Kaplan, Tavalia Griffin, Tracks Am7, Danny Wallace, Greg Wayne, Evan Stone, Mike Horner, Chris Cannon, Eric Masterson, Pat Myne, Dillion Day, Jim Enright and directed by Michael Raven

2040

WARNING! THERE WILL BE SPOILERS IN THIS REVIEW. There is no way I can talk about this movie without giving away some of the plot points.

I've had this one for a while and when I saw the length(167 minutes, and that's not counting the 2 bonus discs that I didn't rent), I put it aside. When I finally got around to watching it, I wished I had done so sooner, since it is one of the better plotted modern porn movies I have seen in a while. Of course some of the length of the movie is due to the sex scenes being too long, but when they start to bore me, well, that's when the FF button is handy.

2040 opens with a voice over telling how a bad disease has caused people to stop having sex with each other. People have turned to virtual sex, however there are still a few people making porn movies.

The movie starts with the son of Randy Spears (Randy Spears) being directed by the son of Barrett Blade (of course played by Barrett Blade),shooting a movie using a green screen with a futuristic looking camera. The female in the scene is Alexis Texas and she looked stoned and out of it. This reminded me of some of those Golden Age porn movies where sometimes you ran across an actress who was actually stoned and out of it. We find out that Alexis isn't a real person, she's a sexdroid, and just needs some time to warm up. Alexis did a pretty decent job of appearing to be non-human, although she did slip and blink her eyes a couple of times. I'm actually going to blame that on the director and/or editor since these slips could have been re-shot or edited better.


Alexis breaks down and there's a fairly humorous bit about getting the sex scene finished. Since a new female/humanoid will be needed in order to continue shooting, they call in Marcus London and his sex doll, Alektra Blue (photo above). Marcus London has made a sexdroid who is super life like, her body even reacts to stimuli. News of this new sex doll spreads to the competition: Real Dolls, which is run by Brad Armstrong. It seems Marcus used to work for Brad and Brad considers Marcus's new doll stolen work that belongs to Real Dolls. Brad calls in Kaylani Lei to take care of Marcus. To my surprise Kaylani Lei arrived in a real helicopter, that I assume was rented especially for the movie.

2040 shifts the focus back to Marcus' company, where we find they have also made a male sex doll (Eric Masterson) and Kirsten Price is putting the finishing touches on him (which of course leads to a sex scene). Kaylani arrives at the lab looking for Marcus. When she finds that he's not there she uses a shock weapon on Kirsten and then trashes the lab.

A Brief Interruption: I typed the above after watching the first part of 2040. Later, when watching the second part of 2040, a funny thing occurred, I found the second half to be a lot weaker that the first half. Is it because I lost the momentum of the movie by not watching it straight through or is the second half just not as good? Sorry for the interruption, now back to the plot.

2040 shifts back to Real Dolls as Jessica Drake shows Kaylani around. We learn that the company did a lot of work in making artificial limbs for the military and that this research helped them in making body parts used for sex more realistic. We also get told how much money Real Dolls is set to make if Marcus doesn't interfere. Somehow everyone gets "hot" touring the factory and this results in the next sex scene. I found this to be the first weak spot, since it seemed the sex scene had been forced into the plot. Next, we are taken directly back to the lab where Mikayla Mendez tests out some of the new creations at Real Dolls. I think this is the spot where I really starting losing interest and it could have been packing (no pun intended) these two sex scenes so close together.

Jessica goes to see Marcus and tries to talk him into making a deal with Brad, leading to yet another sex scene forced into the plot. When Jessica gets back to Real Dolls she has a talk with Mikayla about whether the Dolls have any consciousness, but Jessica explains that's the type of thing that got Marcus the boot to start with and the topic is best left alone. It seems that's the major conflict between the two - Marcus wants to make dolls that actually have human feelings and Brad wants to make a pure sex product.

Back to Marcus' lab and we find that he has upgraded Alektra and she is becoming more human. There's also a funny sequence here with Alektra teaching Kirsten how to dance. This is probably the best scene in part two of 2040.


Next we are taken to The 55th AEE Expo and this is probably the worst scene in 2040. It's poorly shot and the only reason for it to be in the movie is to enable an orgy scene. We do find out here that Alektra has feelings for Randy and vice versa, resulting in another sex scene. After Randy and Alectra's sex scene, he takes her to the beach, they find a dead crab and he teaches her about death. Randy and Alektra next attend a play and Alektra finds it so beautiful that she is moved to tears (well a tear). 2040 was starting to get really boring to me by this time.

Brad goes to see Marcus and after a struggle Marcus is shot. Brad now has possession of Alektra (sex scene follows). This is then followed by a lot of plot that I translate as: "let's wind this fucking (pun intended) movie up". I won't give the ending away, but will just say it includes a death, a rescue, and a happily ever after with Randy and Alektra walking down the beach. This ending reminded me of a saying we had as kids: "Gag me with a maggot".

I still think the first part of 2040 was above my expectations and that the second part had too many sex scenes that didn't flow with the movie and too many cliches in the plot. As you know I'm only interested in plots here at "XXX Marks The Plot", for a deeper look into 2040 I encourage you to check out Gore Gore Girl's review: CLICK HERE. I'm grading this one an A- for the first half and a C+ for the second half, which averages out to a B

2040 starring Marco Banderas, Alexis Texas, Alektra Blue, Jessica Drake, Tory Lane, Kaylani Lei, Rocco Reed, Kirsten Price, Janet Mason, Marcus London, Bill Bailey, TJ Cummings, Kayla Carrera, Mikayla Mendez, Jayden Jaymes, Mick Blue, Tommy Gunn, Randy Spears, Brad Armstrong, Eric Masterson and directed by Brad Armstrong