THIS ISN'T FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High starring Tori Black, Bridgette B, Charley Chase, Chastity Lynn, Natasha Nice, Scott Lyons, Seth Gamble, Michael Vegas, Chad Alva and directed by Sammy Slater

The Plot: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High really doesn't have a plot, but simply picks out a few key scenes from the original movie and parodies them. The movie has a running time of 142 minutes and with the four sex scenes in the movie running over 30 minutes each, this leaves only approximately 12 minutes for plot/dialogue.


: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a cheap, hastily put together movie, with skimpy sets and a small cast. However, there were two things which helped pull the movie up from the being the piece of dreck it could have been. The first was all of the performers stayed in character during their sex scenes. I'm sure this had to come from the direction they were given, since this doesn't happen in most XXX features. The second saving grace of This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High was the acting level was, for the most part, top notch. Chad Alva was a natural playing the perpetually stoned Specoli (in this movie his character is named Spermcoli). Also outstanding were Seth Gamble in the Damone part and Natasha Nice playing the Stacy role.

With the super long sex scenes (Thank You FF Button) and the short plot, This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High would have easily rated in the below average column with me, but due to the two factors I discussed above, I'm giving this one a C+

A-TEAM XXX: A PARODY

The A-Team XXX" A Parody starring Bree Olson, Chastity Lynn, Emily Parker, Evan Stone, Jack Vegas, Jessica Jaymes, Jordan Lane, Luscious Lopez, McKenzie Lee, Randy Spears, Rick Garcia, Roy Karch, Scott Lyons, Sophie Dee, Stephanie Cane, Tyler Knight, Wendy Divine, Angela Aspen and directed by David Lord.

The Plot: Bree Olson and her ex-husband both work for the same newspaper. When her husband gets photos of a drug deal involving a biker gang, the police, and a city councilman, he knows he's got a real scoop, but before he can write the "big story" he is kidnapped by the biker gang. Bree hires The A-Team to help get him back safe.

: I'm not sure I would call The A-Team XXX a parody; I personally would classify it as a remake of the original show....with, of course, hard-core sex scenes added. The A-Team XXX had an opening sequence which aped the original TV show and included the introduction of each of the cast members: Randy Spears made a pretty decent Hannibal and would have been even better if he hadn't been given such a bad wig to wear. Evan Stone plays Face and, of course, that gave him plenty of material to work with as "the pretty boy'. Scott Lyon did an outstanding job as the loose screw Murdock. Tyler Knight was born to play his role, he was a dead ringer for Mr. T and delivered his lines in the same gruff manner.

The A-Team XXX is heavy on plot with approximately one-third of the 145 minute running time given over to story with the rest going to the sex scenes. In the second half, the movie went for such a long stretch with only story and action sequences, I thought the sex scenes were over. The plot devices used to move the story along were weak in a couple of spots, but then the original TV show usually had the same type of weak spots in its plot lines.

The sex scenes in The A-Team XXX weren't completely integrated into the storyline, and for the most part used standard porn set-ups to insert them into the plot. At the same time, they weren't so jarringly inserted into the story to make them outside the realm of possibility (that may just be my own addled thinking from watching too much porn).

An interesting underlying theme in The A-Team XXX is how the male characters react to Bree Olson's character. She's told by her boyfriend not to get involved in his "man's work". Her editor asks her "if she's having her period" and tells her "women are too emotional". Even Randy Spears' character tells her "women are hard to deal with". But, Bree's character is the one who learns how to contact The A-Team and hires and pays them. Before the movie is over, Bree also has helped rescue her ex and written "the big story" herself, which causes her ex and her editor to begrudgingly praise her. In a last bit of comeuppance at the end of The A-Team XXX, Bree blackmails Randy Spears into letting her become the newest member of The A-Team. I was surprised to see this theme of misogynists being outdone by the female lead in a porn movie. However, it was only subtly placed in the story leaving a message most may not catch, but which may possibly enter their subconscious.

While The A-Team XXX isn't completely perfect, it is damn good. If you were a fan of the original The A-Team or if you're just a fan of the current wave of porn parodies, I don't think you'll be disappointed in this one and I rate it A-

MILES FROM NEEDLES

Miles From Needles starring Kimberly Kane, Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Maria Bellucci, Evan Stone, James Deen, Steven St. Croix, Brian Surewood and directed by B. Skow

The Plot: Stephen St. Croix finds April Blossom and his wife, Savanna Samson having sex (the first 25+ minute sex scene in Miles From Needles, which is the length of all the sex scenes in the movie). He starts having rough sex with Savanna, and this being porn, April eventually joins the duo. In a panic that St. Croix will kill them, April murders him and the two women go on the run, where their life intersects with the weird.

Things start down the wrong track when they are arrested by Evan Stone and taken to jail. It turns out Evan isn't a real policeman and has taken them to his own private jail. They are handcuffed standing up to a wall where they get to watch Evan and his wife/girlfriend, Kimberly Kane have sex.

Miles To Needles then cuts to the next morning where we get a scene that looks straight out of an early John Waters film. The women are chained to a table and are being served breakfast by Evan and Kimberly in their trailer. Kimberly is dressed, but Evan walks around naked while James Deen, who is referred to by the other two family members as Constance, crouches and hides around the kitchen in his underwear. When Evan and Kimberly leave, the girls convince Deen to let them go and they will hug him as he has requested.....the John Waters influence stops here as James Deen, Savanna, and April all start into the next sex scene. To their surprise, Evan and Kimberly are wise to what was going to happen, as we see them pull back a curtain they have been hiding behind waiting to watch their morning entertainment.

After the sex scene, Deen puts the naked women into a darkened room, where they are later visited by Evan holding a flashlight. When Evan forces one of them to have oral sex the movie loses continuity, since we can see both of Evan's hands but the flashlight is still mysteriously being pointed at the girls. Evans' wife gets wind of what he's doing and calls him out of the room. The girls somehow get dressed in mere seconds (I guess they found their clothes with the flashlight Evan left behind, but my oh my they are fast dressers) and jump out of the room and hit Evan with the flashlight.

The girls run out of the house and are chased by Evan, who gets so tuckered out he has to stop and use his inhaler. The girls hide out in a garage where Brian Surewood and Maria Belucci are having sex. Evan comes to the garage and joins in the action. This sex scene includes Evan holding a camera which is supposed to be showing us the action and the movie loses continuity once again, as the camera and what the viewer sees are never correctly in alignment. After this long sex scene the girls flee again and after a lot of running they wind up in the backyard of the same house they fled from....where???....I won't spoil anymore of the plot, but will mention one other odd bit - someone gets killed near the end of the movie, but magically reappears in the closing scene of Miles From Needles.

: The sex scenes are so long, I've even seen reviewers, who are primarily interested in XXX movies for the sex scenes, mention they're too long in Miles From Needles. The movie did use some standard plot devices to set up the sex scenes, but the main story was outside the usual realm of porn plots, with the "John Waters" scene definitely being quite novel for this genre of movie making. The acting, for the most part, was up to the level of late night cable viewing with no one being weak in their parts. I really couldn't pick the best actor in the movie, but Kimberly and Evan are always top rated adult actors in my book. If the sex scenes hadn't been mind numbingly long and with a little more attention to details, I could have rated Miles From Needles higher, as it stands I going to give it a C+

THIS AIN'T HAWAII FIVE O

This Ain't Hawaii Five O starring Kaiya Lynn, Lana Lopez, Nicole Ray, Priya Rai, Sophia Santi, Victoria White, Jack Lawrence, Jack Vegas, Pike Nelson, Tommy Gunn and directed by Stuart Canterbury.

The Plot: A young woman fought with her fiance and has arrived in Hawaii on what should have been her honeymoon, but is now a solo vacation. When she is found murdered in her hotel room, Hawaii Five-O is eager to solve the case, since this could hurt the tourism industry.

: The last Stuart Canterbury movie I saw was Get Smartass, which was a very badly done parody. This Ain't Hawaii Five O is only marginally better than that movie. Unfortunately, marginally still doesn't make this one very good either. The movie begins with a disclaimer about it being a parody of the original 1960s show, but This Ain't Hawaii Five O blends the old TV show with the current incarnation now showing on CBS.

The story can only be described as skimpy at best and has to try really hard (and fails) to logically insert sex scenes into the plot. At one point a girl on girl jailhouse scene is inserted into the movie and it has nothing to do with the plot. It only exists, apparently, to fulfill the need to have such a scene in the movie.

The bad wig on Jack Vegas, who plays Jack Lord's part from the original series, doesn't help matters. It only makes him appear ludicrous instead of believable in his part. The other main character, Jack Lawrence playing the part of Danno, fairs a little bit better, mainly since he doesn't have to wear a wig and is already blond. The female performers are for the most part forgettable, other than I do remember seeing too many bad "boob jobs" while watching the sex scenes with Nicole Ray being the only exception, too bad her role wasn't more fully developed.

If this is the first parody anyone happened to watch, it would probably turn them off from seeing anymore. Hell, I've seen lots of parodies and when I run across one like This Ain't Hawaii Five O, it almost turns me off from watching anymore....it's that bad. I'm giving this one a D-

NEXT

Next starring Kaylani Lei, Brianna Love, Voodoo, Derrick Pierce, Kissy Kapri, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Alex Sanders and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

The Plot: Two girlfriends (Kaylani and Brianna) discuss their current relationships and make them sound a little bit better than they really are. Brianna convinces Kaylani to try speed dating where they meet a roomful of wacky characters.

: If this was a mainstream movie it would be labeled a "chick flick", which would make a lot of guys and some "chicks" avoid such a movie at the local multiplex. In the land of porno, movies don't get labeled like that and Next is just labeled a plot based feature.

Kaylani does a great job in her role, but she is basically playing the part of the "straight man" to Brianna's wackiness. Brianna is so good as the ditsy friend, she really steals the movie from the star, Kaylani. Since Next is a short 89 minute movie, the sex scenes (which are integrated into the film) don't run on to the point of becoming boring and detracting from the flow of he movie. As an added plus to the movie, there are a few XXX directors who make cameos during the speed dating segment. Next was another great movie from Jonathan Morgan, who to the best of my memory, has never disappointed me. I grade this one an A.

SEX PIX

Sex Pix directed by James Avalon and starring Sunny Lane, Alektra Blue, Hillary Scott, Veronica Jett, Kelly Wells, Haley Paige, Mason, Tee Reel, Tyla Wynn, Staci Thorn, Gia, Dominica Leoni, Luccia, Isabella Stanza, Evan Stone, Manuel Ferrara, Erik Everhard, Mr. Marcus, Kurt Lockwood, Brett Rockman with a special appearance by Veronica Hart

The Plot: Sunny Lane wakes up in a motel room with an abusive and bleeding Evan Stone. How did she get here? Her only clues are a group of photos as Sex Pix starts at the end and rewinds into her past.

: First things first - the biggest mystery is why they ripped off the plot from Memento and titled the film Sex Pix....was the title Sexmento already taken...or did the producers of the movie think that porn watchers don't watch "mainstream" movies and would think the backwards plot was unique to Sex Pix...Your guess is as good as mine. Unfortunately, I don't think even a better title would have helped the movie very much.

While the plot started strong and looked like it would be interesting to travel backwards in time and find out why Evan was bleeding and why he was so pissed off, Sex Pix quickly deteriorated into revolving around a a sex club in order to present a bunch of not very well shot sex scenes. During these scenes people would sometimes run in and out looking for Sunny Lane asking everyone if they had seen her, this eventually became unintentionally funny.

Unless you are looking for some long sex scenes (one orgy scene went on for so long I even got bored while fast forwarding through it) with a bare bones ripped off "mainstream" plot and some unintentional humor, best to skip this one. I grade it D

RAWHIDE

Rawhide starring Carmen Luvana, Kaylani Lei, Julian, Olivia Del Rio, Taylor Rain, Velvet Rose, Brooke Balentyne, Jesse V., Natalia Wood, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Steven St. Croix, Dale DaBone, Cheyne Collins, Joey Ray and directed by Nicholas Steele

The Plot: Carmen Luvana has been living in the city for years, but after her father dies, she inherits his ranch and must make a decision to either sell the ranch or run it herself.

: Rawhide had a logical plot, was shot on location and had great costumes. This should have been one of the best feature XXX movies I had ever seen, instead I found a movie that wound up boring me. I'm going to blame it on bad editing. The almost three hour running time is padded with long scenes of people riding horses, shots of the locales, or even having the camera linger on a fire. The other problem I had with Rawhide was, after sinking so much money in the movie, why didn't they hire a cameraman who could backlight a scene. There were way too many scenes in the movie which were either too dark due to being lit wrong OR maybe not lit at all. While Rawhide was a major disappointment for me, I appreciate the high production values and the effort put into the movie to make it appear almost mainstream (albeit with hardcore sex) and I'm going to give it a B.

CHAUFFEUR'S DAUGHTER

Chauffeur's Daughter starring Lanny Barby, Kelly Wells, Paulina James, Kimberly Franklin, Ava Lauren, Victoria Valentino, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, Herschel Savage, Kurt Lockwood, Jay Ashley and directed by Paul Thomas.

The Plot: The chauffeur's daughter (Lanny Barby) is madly in love with her father's employer's son Tony (James Deen). The son also loves her, but they are from two different worlds and his mother doesn't approve. Lanny is going to finishing school in Paris and Tony is being encourage to marry a socialite. Can their love survive long distance? Will Tony cave to his mother's demands? Tune in tomorrow to find out on As The World Turns....OOPS! I meant Chauffeur's Daughter!

: I keep thinking one day I'll see a movie by Paul Thomas that will make me realize he really is the genius that he thinks he is....but Chauffeur's Daughter is not that film. And I'm saying that with fondness, because I think P.T. really tries to add something to the world of feature XXX movies. Besides the soap opera-ish plot as described above (which I guess could be considered a novel idea), the movie is really just your "run of the mill" XXX movie with sex scenes broken up occasionally by plot exposition. At times the plot appears rushed (or badly edited) to get to the sex scene leaving the viewer to wonder why the sex scene is taking place other than the fact they're watching a XXX movie. Plus the movie is filled with bad boob jobs and while that may not be a turn-off for everyone, it certainly detracts from my enjoyment of any XXX movie. I rate this one a solid D

TAXI - A HARDCORE PARODY

Taxi - A Hardcore Parody starring Eva Angelina, Anthony Rosano, Jenny Hendrix, Kirsten Price, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Evan Stone, Ron Jeremy and directed by Anton Slayer

The Plot: Almost non-existent, the closest thing to a plot is Alex's ex-wife is coming to see him. The movie primarily relies on the audience being familiar with the characters from the original TV show.

: While I have definitely seen worse parodies, Taxi was still far from the best. I didn't expect much, since this was from Anton Slayer (Gilligan's Island, Dukes of Hazzard) and I didn't get much, so I can't say I was very disappointed. Putting some bad wigs on a couple of actors and writing a script with a few funny lines, then wrapping a very slight plot around some long drawn out sex scenes doesn't even get your movie up to the average standard set by today's modern XXX parodies.

There are two saving graces to Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, one is Anthony Rosano as Tony Banta. He actually "gets" his character and impressed me with his acting ability. I think every feature XXX movie I have seen Anthony in has led me to believe he's one of the few adult actors who could easily cross over to mainstream films.

The other highlight of Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, much to my chagrin (since this blog is concerned with plots), is the sex scene between Rosano and Monique Alexander. Not only did this scene retain my interest throughout its 18+ minutes, but Monique had one of the best porno lines I've heard in a long time (although, I'm pretty sure it wasn't scripted) when, about three-quarters of the way into the scene, she states " Have Your Way With Me, I'm Cock Drunk".

Considering all of the above - one good actor, one good sex performance, a few laughs, and adding a point for Kirsten Price being a pretty good ringer for Elaine, I going to give Taxi - A Hardcore Parody a C-

PERFECT MATCH

Much like The One, Perfect Match is another example of how a good movie can be made on a small budget IF you have a good director, good writing, and a good cast.

Perfect Match begins at a bar where Katie Morgan and Monica Mayhem are discussing the dating world. Also in the bar are Eric Masterson and Barrett Blade discussing the world of dating. Eric and Barrett have some of the truest sounding male to male peer dialogue I have heard since the first season of Entourage. Their dialogue may have been improvised, but IF it was written, Bravo! to the writer.

We get a flashback with Eric Masterson meeting Hillary Scott at the same bar and this results in the first sex scene, which is set in a bathroom stall. I'm still trying to get a handle on why so many sex scenes in feature XXX movies are set in bathrooms. Is it a fetish, is it easy to shoot, or is it what??? This scene is followed by Katie relating to Monica a bad encounter that she had with a pickup date. The sex scene that follows features Katie and Evan Stone, with Evan being hilarious as someone obsessed with himself (something I secretly think is probably true in real-life). The movie then moves into a confessional set-up style with the actors relating their experiences to the camera for the rest of the movie. All of these confessionals include a lot of humorous lines.

The best of the confessional scenes is when Barrett hooks up with Andreza Valentino and realizes it was a huge mistake. It seems Andreza not only wants "clean" sex talk, but she considers Barrett to be "The One" and is hopelessly in love with him. This was my first encounter with Andreza and even though everyone in the movie was great, she was so perfect in her role that I hope to see her again soon.

Perfect Match has a good flow from start to finish and since it's all about different "dating" partners the sex scenes fit into the plot. The only flaw is, like most modern XXX features, the sex scenes are too long but when (or IF) they become boring to you, just use your FF button. I rate this one an A-

Perfect Match starring Katie Morgan, Hillary Scott, Derrick Pierce, Monica Mayhem, Andreza Valentino, Evan Stone, Eric Masterson, Barrett Blade and directed by Michael Raven

SPACE NUTS

Living in The Bible Belt and also in a city that is home to Bob Jones University, getting porn movies has always been something of a challenge. Back before VHS you occasionally ran across someone that had an 8mm stag movie and that was about it. How Greenville, SC, managed to have a XXX movie theater on Main Street (see photo on sidebar) back in the late 60s and early 70s is still a mystery to me. We also had a XXX drive-in movie theater up the road in Spartanburg, SC....and here's the kicker....you had to know someone who could get you a membership card before you could get in....thankfully, I had a terrific Uncle Bob who got me one....so "Bob's Your Uncle" and I possessed a card (that joke is just for my UK and anglophile readers). Along came VHS and some of the small Mom and Pop shops tried to rent porn and were constantly busted by the police. I am still thankful to them for the times, between busts, that I could rent XXX videos.

All of the above is just a preamble to how thankful I was one day in 2006 when I read an article where Tori Spelling talked about renting porn by mail. My only awareness of Tori Spelling was that she was the daughter of Aaron and had been on some TV shows, none of which I had ever watched. When I read the following quote: ""My husband Dean McDermott and I also belong to this service that's like a porn Netflix.....The Netflix DVDs come in a red package and the porn ones come in a blue one, so we're like, "Oooh! A Netflix arrived!" or "Oooh! A porn arrived!" I became a fan of hers for life....curiously, to date I still have never seen her in any TV show or TV movie, but I won't "cotton" to anyone saying anything bad about Tori!!

After all that long winded explanation, I'm finally getting around to the movie I'm going to discuss for my 100th review. In 2004 HBO had a show called "Pornucopia" and part of that show was about the making of Space Nuts, a big budget XXX comedy with a plot. It reminded me of some of the older plot based movies I had seen years ago, albeit with a much bigger budget. I checked out Tori's recommendation and joined the online porn movie rental company with Space Nuts being one of the first movies I received.{IF you wonder why I'm not mentioning the rental company, their service was very slow and I eventually switched to another company}. Since I felt that review #100 should have some type of significance, I decided to watch Space Nuts again. It is a real rarity for me to watch a XXX movie more than once.

Space Nuts doesn't spoof any certain movie, but takes parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "Buck Rogers", and who knows what else, mixes them all together, adds in some special effects and produces an outstanding movie in the world of XXX. Space Nuts was directed and co-written by Jonathan Morgan, who has, as many of you know from my past reviews, become one of my favorite go-to directors when I'm looking for a good XXX movie. It also stars some top talent: Mike Horner, Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Stormy Daniels, Katie Morgan, Randy Spears, Devinn Lane, Jessica Drake, Kaylani Lei, Kyle Stone, and even a cameo by Ron Jeremy.

The plot centers around Princess Hubba Hubba (Stormy) who is fleeing her galaxy (the Clitoran system) from the Evil Overlord (Mike Horner - unrecognizable under a prosthetic mask) who wants to marry her and control her empire. Assisting the Evil Overlord are the Dark Witch (Devinn Lane) and General Warts (Kyle Stone). On the side of good with the Princess are Buzz Starfokker (Evan Stone) and the android Jeeves (Randy Spears).

Space Nuts had a big budget for a XXX feature (reportedly $200,000) and it looks like a lot of that money was invested in special effects with some of the effects (definitely not all) being on the level of mainstream studio productions. They also didn't cut corners on costuming or make-up, something porn features are sometimes apt to do. With the effects, the costumes, the acting, the great comic writing all added together, you get one damn good movie....How good is it? They could remove the ten sex scenes (which were all too long anyway at the modern 20+ minute length) and I would still without hesitation recommend this movie to anyone who likes a good spoof.

Space Nuts starring Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Devinn Lane, Kaylani Lei, Shanna McCullough, Katie Morgan, Kim Chambers, Amber Rain, Casey Pink, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Steve Hatcher, Trevor Zen, Scott Styles, Jim Enright and directed by Jonathan Morgan

BLONDE AMBITION

I recently watched Sextette to review for my other blog, Gonna Put Me In The Movies, and thought it would be "campy" fun, instead it just turned out to be an embarrassment for Mae West and a dull viewing experience for me. Blonde Ambition, on the other hand, fulfilled my desire for camp and comedy.


Sugar and Candy Kane (Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon) are performers in a small Podunk town in Wyoming. They get a call from their manager to come to New York for a job (which turns out to be non-existent). The first sex scene has the girls in their dressing room, which is just another stall in the horse barn. Sugar has sex with her boyfriend (David Morris) on one end of the barn while Candy is doing her make-up on the other end. There are a lot of double entendres spoken during this scene and it's played more for laughs than sex. It seemed strange that Sugar's boyfriend had a huge bald spot (which looked like a fake bald cap) and he wanted to keep his cowboy hat on most of the time....little did I know that this plot point would come into play before the end of the movie. I'm not going to reveal how it came back at the end of the movie, but just wanted to note how well written Blonde Ambition was that it could take a minor bit from the start of the movie and make notation of it again at the end of the movie.


They don't have any funds to get to New York but luckily Eric Edwards and his man servant Richard Bolla are in town picking up a priceless brooch for Eric's aunt and they will fly the girls to New York. Sugar shows him an exact double for his brooch and tells him she bought it on the cheap....there's a fight in the bar and the brooches get switched (like we didn't see that one coming!).

On the plane trip, Candy has sex with Eric and Sugar gives Richard oral sex....well actually a body double (Suzy Mandel did not do any hardcore scenes in the movie) wearing a gray wig (Candy is blonde) gives Richard oral sex. Neither sex scene was very remarkable and both scenes seem to be included in the movie simply as sex scenes with no plot development involved. In New York when the girls find that no job exists, they have to look for other work. The girls get parts in a porn production of Gone With The Wind directed by Jamie Gillis. This has a huge number of people in a choreographed sex scene which is more "campy" than sexual.


Back at the apartment Candy is showering and masturbating while thinking about Eric Edwards, while we see him showering and masturbating thinking about her. This is a particularly odd scene, while seeing a woman masturbate in a porn is nothing out of the ordinary, seeing a man with no female involved masturbating is out of the norm and maybe this had something to do with the directors, who also worked in gay porn.

Eric's aunt, Lady Buckingham, has sent a private detective to check on the two girls. She thinks they are too low class for her nephew and has them pegged as golddiggers. The PI and Candy hook up and of course this results in a sex scene. In the meantime, Sugar has met a frisky couple in an elevator and gone back to their apartment with them. In the apartment, the sex scene begins with the man naked playing a piano while the woman is trying to undress Sugar, but Sugar pulls away and lo and behold the floor is a skating rink and Sugar skates around while undressing. We have now moved from the campy into the surreal!

The girls are both back at the apartment and we find Sugar checking out a guy sunbathing a couple of floors below and she drops the brooch over the balcony. Sugar goes downstairs to the apartment to retrieve it, where the guy (George Payne) has now moved his sunbathing inside under a sunlamp. Sugar finds that it is a gay couple living in the apartment and she's cool with them being gay and agrees to let one of them use her brooch as part of his costume at an upcoming drag show. After he leaves, Suzy still has the hots for the other guy. Since he has protective eyewear on and can't see what is going on, Sugar starts rubbing on him...he thinks it's his partner but when he finds out it's Sugar they have sex anyway!!! I'll let you draw your own conclusions from this scene.

Sugar and Candy want to go to the drag show but are refused admittance, so they disguise themselves as drag queens to get into the club. The dialogue inside the drag club was similar to what I have heard at drag shows, so I assume that a real club or at least some of the real performers were used.


In the meantime Lady Buckingham has found out about the brooch switch and has come to New York to have the ladies arrested. She is easily mistaken for a drag queen and gets into the club, but before she can have the girls arrested, the whole club gets raided and everyone is put in jail. Lady Buckingham finds out that she actually owns that club among all of her other New York property. The girls are such a hit that Eric's aunt buys them their own club. The final scene is a choreographed dance number with Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon at their new club backed by a group of gay dancers.

I would say they don't make them like this anymore, but actually I don't think they really ever made many like this one. My grade A-

Blonde Ambition starring Kurt Mann, Patricia Dale, Molly Malone, Tara Belles, Dory Devon, Jean Joseph, Suzy Mandel, Eric Edwards, George Payne and directed by John and Lem Amero

LUST ON THE ORIENT XPRESS

The back of the box actually has a pretty decent summation of the movie: "Nick (John Leslie) and Nora (Gina Carrera) Chalmers write mystery novels...steamy, sexy mystery novels. In search of plots for their next book, they travel to Europe to experience the passion, desire and intrigue on the legendary Orient Express. Once on board, they discover a cast of shady (and horny) characters including a Potent Potentate and his Hand Job Hand Maiden, Horny Colonel Kittridge, and the anything but Lady Like Ashley and her Sex Starved Secretary - all plotting to steal a priceless diamond. "The Eye of Eros". It's a four day erotic adventure where it's not whodunnit, but who's doing it, that counts."

Lust On The Orient Xpress (LOOX) was made in the waning days of the Golden Age of porn, but definitely qualifies as a Golden Age movie with its well thought out logical plot that progresses the storyline from start to finish. LOOX was a big budget porn in 1986 with scenes shot outside a train, realistic movie sets inside different train cars and even insert shots of a real train pulling in and out of train stations. Another plus are the period costumes that everyone gets to wear. All of these elements add up to a pretty decent movie.

In LOOX, John Leslie proves he was as good an actor as any second string actor in movies and TV during this same time period. Everyone's acting for the most part is pretty good with one exception: Tracey Adams, who tries to do a Cockney accent, but somehow manages to sound American Southern and British at the same time....maybe she's from South London :-)

The worst parts of LOOX are the sex scenes, which are all deadly dull. Without them of course, this wouldn't be a XXX feature, it would just be a fairly decent "Made For TV" movie (actually better than some). The sex scenes were "shoehorned" into the movie, instead of having situations that led naturally to them, making them just as irritating as many sex scenes in modern day XXX features. Even discounting for the sex scenes, this one still rates a solid B


John Leslie, Gina Carrera, Jamie Gillis, Pat Manning, Eric Edwards, Tracey Adams, Andrew Herbert, Keli Richards, Jim Woodman, Paul Thomas, Francis Papillion, Raymond Roberts, F. Powers Gireau, Jennifer Lacy, Nich Kypros and directed by Tim McDonald

CAROLINA JONES and THE BROKEN COVENANT

This movie was shot in Hungary and the location shooting was definitely a plus for Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant (CJ). The very first scene is shot in some caverns as we find Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) after an artifact at a Monastery. She sneaks in disguised as a Monk and happens on Steve Holmes having sex with Nikki Blond, while Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up next to them being forced to watch. Why all of this is taking place is never revealed, but it allows Carolina to rescue Dixie and get the artifact. The rescue includes some cheap gore effects that you don't usually see in feature porn movies.

Carolina gets word that her former lover John Brody (James Brossman) has information about The Ark. Dixie has transportation so Carolina reluctantly agrees to let Dixie be her sidekick. Unfortunately, Dixie's truck breaks down and they're forced to hitchhike. Carolina and Dixie get picked up by some guys who want to have sex. What follows comes as a surprise: No sex scene, instead, the guys get their asses kicked and their truck taken from them. Once they reach Brody's mansion, Dixie distracts the guards (now we have a sex scene) enabling Carolina to get into his bedroom.

Brody has been willingly tied up and blindfolded by his sex partner (Roxy Panther) for the night. She has just finished giving him oral sex when Carolina arrives and takes over. Carolina wants to know where the Ark is, so she tortures Brody for the information. There are some special effects where she pours boiling water on him and you can see steam coming off his face as it blisters. He tells her, but Carolina pours honey on Brody's genitals and releases ants into the room as punishment for his past sexual transgressions. While both the boiling water and the ants were cheesy special effects, I've seen just as bad in mainstream cheapo movies.

CJ hits its first really weak spot as a new plot point is introduced when Carolina tells Dixie, Brody is the only man she has ever had sex with. Dixie tells her she needs to have sex with someone else and this sets up a fantasy sex scene with the hotel bellman (David Perry).

In their next attempt to get the Ark, they hook up with Dixie's estranged fiancé (Zenza Raggi), but they wind up having to be rescued from the Nazis who have possession of The Ark by Carolina's father Indy (Tibor Butch, whose only resemblance to the real Indiana Jones is his hat!) . This would have been a great place to end the movie, but like many other pornos, the makers felt it necessary to tack on one more sex scene, this one between Carolina, Dixie, and the fiancé.

CJ reminded me of some of the BETTER late night Skinemax plotted movies. After stating that, there are a few things that really stood out as flaws in CJ: Bree playing the character Dixie uses a Southern accent, but she completely forgets about her accent during her sex scenes. There's also some odd music used throughout CJ that did not fit with the movie, one scene had a blues harmonica in the background that is so out of place it was distracting. As mentioned above, the last sex scene should have been left off since CJ had already come to a logical end. Taking into account these flaws along with the really good parts of the movie, I arrive at a grade of B-

Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant starring Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Blond, Roxy Panther, David Perry, Steve Holmes, James Brossman, Zenza Ragg, Tibor Butch and directed by Ethan Kane

A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART

I had only seen one Jace Rocker production prior to watching A Little Piece of My Heart (LPMH). I felt that Jace Rocker movie, Hillbilly Honeys, was ok, but it wasn't anything that made me go on a search for any more of his movies. I ran across LPMH while searching for music related movies for my other blog: Gonna Put Me In The Movies.

The description of LPMH touted: "Texas, 1969. Ever feel you've been cheated? Stacy does. Especially after finding her redneck boyfriend in the sack with another girl. She's so pissed she decides to pack her things and head for Hollywood. She soon realizes that things are little different in California. It's the summer of free love and lots of it. From rock stars to sleazy "B" movie directors, she gives them all a little piece...of her heart!!"

Even knowing it was rated XXX and that I wouldn't be able to review it for my other blog; I still wanted to see it, since the title referenced a Janis Joplin song (I know it was originally an Erma Franklin song, but it's primarily identified with Janis) and the description included the words 1969, Rock Stars, and San Francisco. It looked liked it was going to combine both of my main interests in cinema: XXX and Music!

The movie begins in PORT ARTHUR TEXAS, where we find Tom Byron relating his war stories, which leads to a "dick in the box" gag and into the first sex scene. I would like to say a few words about Tom Byron. I have seen him in countless movies over the years and while he is always okay in the acting department, I have never seen him in any role that was memorable until I watch LPMY. He is straight up good and funny in his role as the cheating, lying redneck boyfriend.

Tom's girlfriend, Stacy Valentine, comes home to their trailer and arrives just after he has finished having sex with Shay Sweet. It's pretty obvious as to what has been going on and she packs her bags and heads for San Francisco where she's going to stay with a friend named JANIS, who has moved there.

After her money runs out for the bus ride, Stacy is having to hitchhike and she gets picked up by Steve Hatcher, who takes her home with him. Steve looked liked a cross between Sonny Bono and Jeff Foxworthy and played his role of the laid back stoned hippie musician to perfection. Steve knows Janis and makes a call to let her know that Stacy is in town, but finds out that Janis is on tour in Europe. Stacy decides to stay on in California anyway and Steve sends her to a casting agent that will help her get work in an "art" film.

Stacy's jealous cousin, Alyssa Love, finds out about Stacy's plans to stay in California and right away runs to tell Tom Byron. Tom decides he must go to San Francisco and bring her back to Texas. Of course, being the cheating rat he's always been, he first has to have sex with Alyssa.

The agent turns out to be Ron Jeremy in a non sex role. Ron wants to see how Stacy will work out and gets her to do a lesbian scene with Davia Ardell. There's a pretty funny bit here when the vintage camera that Ron is trying to work falls apart and Ron just goes with the flow, yelling for someone to bring him another camera.

Since Stacy worked out alright in her lesbian scene, Ron gets her a job on the set of a B picture being shot by Jonathan Morgan. This whole set up, including a Bela Lugosi (Jace Rocker) part is straight out of "Ed Wood". Jonathan Morgan was terrific doing Johnny Deep as Ed Wood and it made me wish for a whole porn parody of "Ed Wood" with Morgan in the lead role. And just think, the title's already there: Ed's Got Wood!

Tom Bryon finally gets to California and is trying to force Stacy to go back to Texas with him. Hatcher comes to her rescue, whacks Tom with a guitar and tells Stacy she can come on tour with him. It was great to see another movie that knew how to have an ending that could wind things up.

LPMH had the look of a very cheaply made movie, yet it put a lot of the big budget XXX spoofs to shame with its great comic writing and coherent story. The first and last sex scenes were an integral part of storyline, with the rest of the sex scenes being your standard porn movie conventional set-ups.The sex scenes were even more in line with the length of "Golden Age of Porn" sex scenes. And like many scenes from "The Golden Age", lacked very much heat. The only real flaw in the movie was there was a lot of bad silicone..some REALLY Bad, Bad Boob Jobs...but even taking that into account, I rate this one A-

A Little Piece of My Heart starring Julian, Sindee Coxx, Stacy Valentine, Shay Sweet, Davia Ardell, Alyssa Love, Jace Rocker, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Steve Hatcher and directed by Jace Rocker

THE ONE

Here's a good example of how to make a low budget movie and come out with a winner. It's pretty obvious that all of The One was shot inside one house, so the major part of funding for this movie had to go to the talent and what a line-up of talent there is: Stormy Daniels, Sunny Lane, Katie Morgan, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Jonathan Morgan, and Francois Clousot.

The One was written by Stormy Daniels who, once again, proves how good she is at writing these XXX romantic comedies OR for that matter, just about any movie she has written. The One also has one of the better XXX directors, Jonathan Morgan and one of the better cinematographers, Francois Clousot. Of course all of these great performers/actors/director/cinematographer could still have produced a turkey, but that's definitely not the case with The One.

After a brief opening scene with Stormy and Voodoo arriving at Voodoo's house the movie goes straight to a sex scene. I usually hate it when a movie opens with a sex scene, but this one is necessary to set the plot in motion. Following the sex scene, Stormy, not really meaning to, blurts out "I Love You". This causes Stormy and Voodoo both to go into a mild panic, since neither has had a lot of success when they said those three words to different partners in their pasts.

First up, Voodoo "meets" (all of the "meetings" in this movie are only in the minds of Stormy and Voodoo) Sunny Lane. There's some funny dialogue here, as there is throughout the movie, as Sunny peeks in on Stormy and states "You Know Those Ain't Real" (remember this was written by Stormy). In the flashback, Sunny is sitting around talking about Global Warming(!) with a couple of her girlfriends (Kelly Kline and Delilah Strong) and Voodoo is off to the gym, but as soon as he leaves, we find the political talk was just for Voodoo's sake as the toys come out and we get a g/g/g scene. Voodoo forgets something and returns home (amazingly right as the sex scene is ending !) and finds out what has really been going on and ends this relationship. Next up, we see Stormy in a doomed relationship with Mr. Pete. Stormy wants Mr Pete to go down on her, but he's busy playing a video game and suggests she give him head first. Needless to say, after Mr Pete climaxes, he has no further interest in Stormy and goes right back to his game.

The rest of The One shows us more disastrous relationships that Stormy and Voodoo have had with lovers they have used the words "I Love You" with:

It seems Voodoo's girlfriend Cassie Young's trouble was NOT saying "I Love You", since she said it to everyone. We first see her in a full sex scene with the cable repairman, Randy Spears, but then we also see her saying "I Love You" to the pizza guy, the pool boy, and the plumber.

Evan Stone has a great sleaze ball part as a past lover of Stormy's. It seems their relationship broke up when Stormy caught him with Katie Morgan and Brianna Love. Of course, Evan says, "who you going believe, me or your own lying eyes". This scene gave me a laugh out loud moment watching Evan dance!

Nicole Sheridan does a great turn as Voodoo's VERY jealous over-controlling boss who finally fires him and I mean really "fires" him.

Eric Masterson plays the sensitive lover and cries after Stormy tells him she loves him. Eric actually gets the brush off for being too nice of a guy.

After we see all of these failed past relationships, the movie ends on a happy note. Which brings me to another point, a lot of XXX movies don't know how to have an ending and just sort of sputter to a stop. So it's always nice to see a movie that has a plot that starts and finishes, all with logical sense. The only flaw I can see with The One is the title. I think it could have used a title that would better illustrated what it was going to be about - i.e. - Three Little Words, Three Words, Don't Ever Say That or something along that line. Regardless of the title The One still rates a solid A with me.

The One starring Stormy Daniels, Brianna Love, Cassie Young, Delilah Strong, Katie Morgan, Kelly Kline, Nicole Sheridan, Sunny Lane, Eric Masterson, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Randy Spears, Voodoo and directed by Jonathan Morgan

The BIG LEBOWSKI - A XXX PARODY

Wow! I knew that Lee Roy Myers was no Will Ryder, but I never imagined he could make a train wreck as bad as The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody (BLX). The first problem with the movie is casting Tom Byron in the lead role. While Tom has had a stoned looked about him for years, the important thing that Lee Roy must have forgotten is that Tom isn't that great of an actor and the lead role really needs someone strong enough to give some believability to the part, since they will be carrying most of the movie. On a positive note, Tom was either given good direction in how to ape the body language of Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski or he has really studied the movie, since this was the one thing that was spot on.

The actual plot of BLX makes very little sense UNLESS you have seen the original movie. Myers removed large parts of the original plot and makes references to some events that have already occurred off screen. This might be fine for those familiar with The Big Lebowski; however, the end result for BLX is one more incoherent mess.


BLX starts off pretty much on the wrong foot, we have the scene inside Lebowski's house where the hoods come to demand money that's owed to Jackie Treehorn. Only this time, there's 3 of them, 2 guys and a female, While one guy beats on Tom the other two have sex. But it's not the splooge (the movie's word, not mine) on the rug that's the problem, it's the splooge on The Dude's porno tapes. An aside: BLX is on 2 discs, one has the party version (what kind of Fucking party this is going to be played at, I'm not sure....I know they nixed the idea, when I suggested it for my nephew's birthday party!). Anyway, the party version has the plot, shorter sex scenes, and no pop shots. Since the plot requires a pop shot on The Dude's tapes, the party version has already gone astray.


At the bowling alley we meet the Donnie and Walter characters and both did a great job in their characterizations. However, at one point they have Walter say "this isn't Amsterdam, there's rules" (in the original movie it's Vietnam), in later dialogue Walter says Vietnam instead of Amsterdam. This is either the fault of a poorly written script or a poorly edited movie, since there is no consistency. Could be either, since Lee Roy takes credit for the script and for co-editing.

The scene where The Dude goes to visit the "real" Lebowski (who collects Beta porn tapes) to get reimbursed for his destroyed tapes is pretty good. The "real" Lebowski in BLX has erectile dysfunction instead of loss of his legs as the character does in"The Big Lebowski". In the scene where Bunny (Brianna Blair) says that she'll suck The Dude's cock for $1,000 and Brad (Evan Stone) will have to pay an extra $100.00 if he wants to watch, The Dude whips out his checkbook and writes a check for $1,100 to cover him and Brad.


Up next is probably the best scene in BLX with James Deen playing Jesus. Since Deen had the Jesus role down perfectly, I could only think, what if they had given Deen the lead in BLX, how much better this movie could have been. The only downfall of this scene is the really ill fitting jump suit, but then I guess by this point in the movie I shouldn't have been surprised about lack of detail. If Carlos Santana ever sees this movie, I'm pretty sure there will be a lawsuit, because they really ripped off "Smooth" for the music during James Deen's sex scene.

The Dude settles in and watches "Logjammin". The scene starts pretty good with Steve Holmes in a very bad blond wig, and he mispronounces "cable" as "cabal" which was the way the character pronounced it in "The Big Lebowski". However, only moments later he pronounces it "cable", just another example of no one paying very much attention to what they were supposed to be parodying.


Before the famous Dude flying scene (mashed up with when The Dude got slipped a mickey at Jackie Treehorn's), BLX warns the viewer that things aren't going to be following the regular movie. DUH!!! If a fan of "The Big Lebowski" hasn't figured that out by this point in the movie they're never going to figure it out.

Kimberly Kane shows up near the end of the movie as Maude and she really looks the part, of course she also still looks like Scully from The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody. During her sex scene, I really thought I was watching Scully and The Dude get it on. This was NOT the fault of the movie, just my own addled porn brain.

At the end of the movie, Evan Stone makes another appearance, this time playing The Stranger. Of course the makers of BLX couldn't even go to the trouble to get a sarsaparilla bottle for the scene (I can even buy Sioux City Sarsaparilla at my local grocer!). Evan sports a really bad fake mustache in this scene, rivaling the bad wig of Steve Holmes for the award for worst costuming in BLX. The most discouraging part of this scene is that the dialogue covers the fact that they had to leave out of a lot of the story, but there could always be a sequel. PLEASE, I BEG, FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE, DON'T LET LEE ROY MYERS DO ANOTHER BLX!!!!

There are EVEN more things wrong with BLX than what I have mentioned above, but I didn't want to go over each and every thing that was wrong, just hit some of the main highlights that spring readily to mind after my viewing. BLX would have gotten an F, but since I did get a few laughs and a few of the actors did a good job with their roles, I'm going to rate this one a D-

SEINFELD: A XXX PARODY

A lot of this parody was going to rest on the lead actor playing Jerry Seinfeld (called Gerry in this parody). James Deen did a really good job of copying Seinfeld's mannerisms and speech patterns. He even had a couple of segments where, just like on the TV show, we see him doing stand-up. The first routine is about the word "pornography" and this opens the movie, just like a short stand up segment would kick off the TV show.


The plot of Seinfeld: A XXX Parody (SX) revolves around The Porn Nazi instead of the The Soup Nazi. Evan Stone is almost unrecognizable in his wig and mustache as The Porn Nazi, and as usual he does great job with his characterization. It seems that The Porn Nazi always has the newest and best porn, but you must stand in line, tell him what type of porn you want and he will give you what he wants you to have. If you don't follow all of these rules....then...NO PORN FOR YOU! Of course Elaina doesn't follow these rules and she gets no porn. Gerry followed the rules and Elaina goes home with Gerry to watch his movie....cue sex scene. Elaina is played by the Latina porn star Kristina Rose and she looks somewhat like Elaine and in her non-sex parts in the movie does a good job with her characterization. However, during her sex scene, she doesn't come even close to staying in character plus she's very submissive and I always thought Elaine would be as forceful in bed as she was out of bed.


Elaina has become obsessed with the idea that she must get some porn from The Porn Nazi, but once again she gets turned down. The only way to get her hands on one of his tapes is go through his assistant, who promises she will reveal The Porn Nazi's distributor to Elaina...cue g/g sex scene.


Meanwhile Eric John who makes a very bad Crammer (not only in looks, but his acting is also very bad) is bored with his porn collection, but he doesn't want to give into The Porn Nazi. Crammer decides he will make his own movie and this leads to a scene with him wandering onto the set of a XXX movie in progress. They think he's the talent sent for the two girls who have already started the scene, of course, this works out fine for Crammer.


Crammer still wants to shoot his own movie and decides he can help spice up Gorge's (Steve Pomerants) love life at the same time by filming Gorge's fiance having sex. Gorge is excited about the prospect; however, his excitement soon ends when he finds out that Crammer's idea is to make the movie using a real porn star instead of Gorge. Of course, this really upsets Gorge, but nothing compared to later when he finds out that Norman has left Crammer's tape at The Porn Nazi's shop.

Meanwhile, in a nod to the episode where Jerry couldn't remember the name of the girl he was dating, we have Gerry's new girlfriend Ragina (in this XXX version we have Ragina/Vagina, in the TV version We had Dolores/Clitoris). Anyway, Ragina gets on Gerry's nerves because she is too orgasmic about everything and they have an argument and she leaves him. Ragina goes to straight to the The Porn Nazi's shop, but instead of renting porn from him, she winds up having sex with him.

The end of SX has Gerry doing a closing monologue just like the TV show, this one about big fake breasts. We get another nod to a Seinfeld episode when Cassandra Calogera demonstrates that her breasts are real and spectacular. This turns into a sex scene right there on stage in the club. This was a really bad way to close out the movie. As they would say on that SNL skit.. REALLY... REALLY... All the other sex scenes can fit into the plot, but you have to spoil the good work who've done on the plot by having the viewer assume that Gerry would have sex while the audience watched ....REALLY!!!

The set decoration of Gerry's apartment is top notch and looks pretty much like it did in the early episodes of Seinfeld. The laugh track on SX was really irritating, I don't know if it was too loud, the laughs weren't place properly or what, but it just got on my nerves. The sex scenes had too many close up shots to the point where it caused the LONG scenes to become even more boring....Come On! Lee Roy, at least let us see who's involved in the action! Once again, Lee Roy Meyers has only made a pretty good movie. It seems he's capable of getting some elements as good as you're going to see in these parodies. Unfortunately, there's always too many flaws in his movies for them to rate anything higher than above average and SX holds true, since I'm rating this one a B-

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody starring Sasha Grey, Kristina Rose, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Tony Desergio, Cassandra Calogera, London Keyes, Natalie Norton, Eric John, James Deen, Evan Stone and directed by Lee Roy Meyers

WHITE RABBIT

I've seen movies like White Rabbit before, whether due to lack of funds OR overreaching their own talent, the director produces a movie that is cheap looking and shamefully dull. White Rabbit fits this criteria for me and I think it's probably due to a combination of the two. There's no doubt that there was very little money put into the production, evident by the cheap costuming and even cheaper set decorations. Michael Raven directed White Rabbit early in his career, and I think he just hadn't developed all the skills yet which would eventually allow him to make such modern greats as Love For The First Time, Perfect Match, and The Visitors and some lesser works like Black Widow and Watchers.

Allison (Sunset Thomas) is bored at her birthday party. When she blows out the candles on her cake and makes a wish, she is suddenly in another world with Eric Price who takes her to The Looking Glass Motel. At the motel, Allison eats some marmalade that causes her to hallucinate and Scotty Schwartz (Flick from The Christmas Story....YES, THAT FLICK!!, the one who got his tongue stuck to the light pole....THANKFULLY, his tongue doesn't get stuck to anything in this movie!!!) leads Allison around to what is basically a succession of different sex scenes. The worst scene being The Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum pair of women who are very sloppily painted red and blue. The marmalade eventually wears off and Alice...excuse me..Allison has one final sex scene with Eric Price who originally brought her to the motel.

Everything about this movie was B-A-D: the story, the costumes, the music, the sex scenes and the sets were all below average. I'm not sure who would like this movie...Golden Age fans would be disappointed in the storyline and lack of discernible parody, Modern Age fans would be disappointed in the lack of production and the sex scenes. Since I'm a fan of both categories, I used the FF button continuously throughout this movie, so I'm grading this one a D

White Rabbit starring Nina Hartley, Jill Kelly, Inari Vachs, Mia Smiles, Gina Ryder, Nikki Tyler, Julie Meadows, Sunset Thomas, Teri Starr, George Kaplan, T.T. Boy, Ian Daniels, Brian Surewood, Eric Price, Alec Metro and directed by Michael Raven

A FORMAL FAUCETT

How bad is this movie...even the lead actress, Dorothy LeMay, has been quoted as saying; "She ran out of the theater crying after seeing her first film A Formal Faucett, she felt that it was a "disaster" because her voice was dubbed over with someone else's, and it "didn't make sense". She had worked on A Formal Faucett 18 hours a day for three days. The experience bothered her so much that she considered getting out of the business.

The idea for the movie and the fact that Dorothy LeMay was cast in the lead role was because she was supposed to be a lookalike for Farrah Fawcett. Below are photos of Dorothy and Farrah - I guess I could make some snide remark here, but I'll let you be the judge...maybe my eyesight is too good!!


As for the movie not making any sense, I'll have to agree with Dorothy there. The movie appears that it is going to be a spoof of Charlie's Angels: A Formal Faucett has a mysterious voice on the phone (Paul Thomas) giving call girls their assignments....yes, that's correct...not spy assignments....sexual liaisons assignments. And that's as close to anything resembling Charlie's Angels that you are going to see in this movie.

Here are the only notes I made when I watched A Formal Faucett: All the actors seem to be very uninspired. The lead actress is one of the worst porn actresses I have ever seen. Her only acting ability is rolling her eyes back in her head...actually it got to be funny watching her do this after a while. Thankfully, the movie is very short.

Ms. Lemay had done some loops previous to her appearance in this, her first feature film. I understand that she is lauded for some of her future work, none of which I have seen, and that she was even inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 1998. So, I'm guessing Dorothy improved after this first feature. As it is, considering what she thought of the movie, I don't think she would argue with my grade of F

A Formal Faucett starring Dorothy LeMay, Desiree Cousteau, Laurie Blue, Norma Jean, Guy Austin, Tina Austin, Paul Thomas and directed by Fred Lincoln