HUNG WANKENSTEIN aka HUNG WANKERSTEIN

Hung Wankenstein aka Hung Wankerstein starring Ava Vincent, Felicia Fox (as Felica Fox), Isabella Camille, Kylie Ireland, Shanna McCullough, Anthony Crane, Evan Stone, Jason McCain, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy. George Kaplan (non sex) and directed by Jim Enright

The Plot: a parody of Young Frankenstein. Randy Spears inherits a castle from a distant uncle (Ron Jeremy). The monster (Evan Stone) who resides there doesn't need to be brought back to life, but only have a part of him upgraded.


: Hung Wankenstein was made in 2001 and is reminiscent of some of the older porn parodies, where not only the sex scenes, but the storyline was also important in the making of the movie.

Randy Spears as The Doctor and Evan Stone as The Monster are both great in their parts, but the real standout in the movie is Anthony Crane as The Hunchback. He gets most of the best lines, while the other characters play straight man for him.

There were only a couple of minor flaws in Hung Wankenstein:

The first two sex scenes are self-referential letting the viewer know the movie is moving to a sex scene and why the sex scene is being placed at that point. This was pretty humorous, but the idea seemed to be dropped for the rest of the movie. A pity, since this added to the humorous nature of the movie.

The other small flaw was Hung Wankenstein comes to a logical conclusion, but instead of ending, the movie has another sex scene tacked on to the end. There's no doubt it was added as an after-thought, since looking at the dvd timing strip shows two parts: 96 minutes and 20 minutes. Luckily, Jim Enright was able to make it flow with the plot of the the movie. Heck, who knows, maybe we should call this dvd "The Director's Cut".

I'm not a big fan of Mel Brooks, but I always thought Young Frankenstein was the best movie he made and the humor in Hung Wankenstein is on par with that movie. In other words, if you liked Young Frankenstein and you like a porn parody, then Hung Wankenstein is the movie for you. I grade this one a A-

POWER OF LOVE

Power of Love starring Inari Vachs, Taylor St. Clair, Mia Smiles, Ava Vincent, Angelica Sin, Monica Mayhem, Brandi Lyons, Evan Stone, Dale DaBone, Ian Daniels, Rich Handsome, Joey Ray, and Max Steele and directed by Nick Orleans.

The Plot: Evan Stone had rather etrade than have sex with his girlfriend, Taylor St. Clair. On the advice of her girlfriend, Monica Mayhem, Taylor St. Clair signs Evan up for some re-education classes at The Love Foundation run by Inari Vachs. At The Foundation, Evan is enrolled with two other men: Dale DaBone who is obsessed with comic books and Ian Daniels, a sports nut. All three are put through various experiences to help focus their minds on sex and less on their other interests.

: The plot of Power of Love was sketchy and I had to fill in parts of the story that felt left out. I think The Foundation was turning men into a sort of "Stepford" husband/boyfriend. Near the end of the movie, Evan Stone has sex with Inari Vachs and she decides what she has been doing at The Foundation was all wrong....I know pretty bad and pretty damn chauvinistic.

This is a terrible movie with only one thing or actually, in this case, one person who kept it from being an absolutely total waste of time, Evan Stone. His "hammy" (in a good way) style of acting was enough to keep me sloughing through Power of Love until the end credits. The problem is one person can't save a disastrous piece of film-making like Power of Love. I would rate this one a D, but taking into consideration the musical soundtrack is basically just a loud, pounding, headache inducing drum machine throughout the whole film, I'm rating Power of Love a D-

MISBEHAVIN

MisBehavin' starring Leslie Bovee, Gloria Leonard, Kurt Mann, Dick Galan, Eric Edwards, Arcadia, Molly Malone, Jack Wrangler, Marc Valentine and directed by Chuck Vincent

The Plot: Leslie Bovee has been married numerous times. Once she divorces one of her rich husbands, she takes half of their money. God and The Devil make a bet about whether her next marriage will be for love or money and they both try to influence the outcome.

There are two other sub-plots in MisBehavin' - Molly Malone, Bovee's ex-Mother-In-Law is upset about Bovee collecting the divorce settlement from her son. She makes numerous unsuccessful attempts to kill Bovee. Malone is so completely incompetent she reminded me of the coyote in The Roadrunner cartoons. The other sub-plot is about Marc Valentine, a spurned lover of Bovee's who is trying, also very unsuccessfully, to commit suicide.

: Andrew Sarris has defined screwball comedy as "a sex comedy without the sex". MisBehavin' is a screwball comedy with sex. It contains all the necessary elements: the farcical situation of God and The Devil making a bet on humans with the rewards being souls, a plot involving marriage/courtship, slapstick, and different classes of people. The only element it really seemed to be missing was fast talking repartee. This last element was replaced with the characters "breaking the fourth wall" and talking to the audience.

The least interesting parts of MisBehavin' turned out to be the sex scenes. While they were integrated into the plot and weren't long and drawn out like modern day sex scenes, they were for the most part uninteresting and generated little or no heat.

The non-sex parts of MisBehavin' on the other hand were great fun to watch. It had a well thought out logical plot with LOTS of humor (even if sometimes, that humor did resort to some stale jokes). With the two running sub-plots, as mentioned above, the characters "breaking the fourth wall", and a surprise ending, this all added up to make for an enjoyable viewing. Without the sex scenes MisBehavin' would still be worth recommending, something I usually can't say when reviewing a XXX movie, I grade MisBehavin' a solid B.

A final note relating to my other blog Gonna Put Me In The Movies, the band Harlequin appears during the outdoor party scene at the first of MisBehavin' playing the song "Stray Pussy".

TATTLE TALE

Tattle Tale starring Jessica Drake, Rocco Reed, Kirsten Price, Marcus London, Monique Alexander, Randy Spears, Georgia Jones, Dylan Ryder and directed by Francois Clousot

The Plot: Rocco Reed is a reporter for a gossip magazine. He shows Jessica Drake evidence of her father being involved in a ponzi scheme. If she doesn't help him get the dirt on her socialite friends, he'll run it in the magazine. Reluctantly Jessica agrees, but later finds out Reed was mainly interested in saving his magazine from going out of business (I was never clear why this plot point was added late in the movie, since it really didn't add much to the story). There's a small twist at the end of Tattle Tale, but I won't spoil it by revealing it here.

: Tattle Tale had a lot of trouble with its plot. Although the plot was simple, half the time the movie would jump to a scene leaving the viewer left to fill in how we got to that part of the story. I could blame this on either bad editing or a weak storyline. Considering the big reveal of Rocco wanting to save his paper came so late in the movie, I'm guessing the plot wasn't very well thought.

The other weakness of Tattle Tale was the acting. Only Kirsten Price can be commended for her acting. I have seen every actor in this movie previously (except for Georgia Jones) and I know they are more capable than the performances they gave in Tattle Tale.

Francois Clousot's camera work was great as usual and he briefly was able to make the camera "love" Monique Alexander's body. Clousot just didn't sustain it through Monique's entire sex scene as he did with Kirsten Price in the first sex scene in Lies. Speaking of sex scenes, the ones in Tattle Tale ran around 10-15 minutes allowing the movie to flow at a more even pace.

Tattle Tale wound up being a slight disappointment, since with all talent involved - both stars and director - I was expecting much more. Taking into consideration the weak plot and acting I can only give Tattle Tale a C.

TWINS DO SCIENCE

Twins Do Science starring Lacey Love, Lyndsey Love, James Deen, Jack Lawrence, Brooke, Daisy, Steven St. Croix, Frank Bukkwyd and directed by Paul Thomas

The Plot: Dim-witted twins Lacey and Lyndsey Love have been living off their grandpa for years. When he dies they think they have it made, but to their disappointment they find they have to work in the field of science for a year before they can inherit his money. On top of that, they won't get an allowance, but will have to live off whatever they earn.

Their first assignment is to pick up some semen samples which, of course, they manage to lose. They call up some friends to help them collect some more samples - too bad they didn't know what they lost was bull semen and NOT human semen.

: Twins Do Science had the look and feel of a cheaply made cable TV "young teen" production. The bad acting of The Love Twins was a good fit, since they were suppose to be a couple of air-heads (heck, who knows, maybe they weren't acting). The main problem with Twins Do Science was the sex scenes. Twins Do Science could have been a fairly enjoyable light-hearted sex romp of a movie, but The Twins were incapable of any type of realistic performances during their sex scenes. At one point, one of The Twins actually takes time to look at her watch. Who knew a porno could be ruined by the sex scenes?

Twins Do Science ended with the plot leading you to believe this would be the first in a series - I shudder to think there could have been a Twins Do Science 2. Twins Do Science would rate an F-, but since there were a couple of funny scenes (with the opening scene being the standout) and the movie had its own catchy theme song "Twins Twins Everybody Wins", I'm going to rate this one a D-

THIS AIN'T TWO and A HALF MEN XXX

This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX starring Evan Stone, James Deen, Brooke Lee Adams, Dylan Ryder, Jamey Jane, Jenna Presley, Madison Ivy, Eric John, Patrick J Knight and directed by Marc Star

The Plot: Alan (James Deen) is despondent to the point of suicide about his ex-girlfriend moving in with his ex-wife. Since Charlie (Evan Stone) is currently having sex with Alan's ex-girlfriend's mother, he tells Alan he'll get her to speak to her daughter.

: This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX started with a lot of promise and it appeared this was going to be a really good porn parody, even if it did have that cheaply made look which has become common with some of these lesser parodies. Unfortunately, after the initial opening scene, the movie deteriorated into a string of sex scenes held together by only very brief dialogue/plot scenes.

The second sex scene in the movie is a solo masturbation scene with Alan's ex-girlfriend Kandi (Jenna Presley) who, we are suppose to believe, thinks a dildo is a back massager...WTF....this scene might have played IF this was some type of period parody, but to think Kandi is THAT dumb takes a big stretch of anyone's imagination.

Brooke Lee Adams playing the part of Charlie's stalker Rose is a pretty good looking "ringer" for the part and I give her points for trying to to sound and act like Rose from the TV show. Too bad whatever she thinks TV Rose sounds like is so far off it's actually distracting listening to her(She admits in the behind the scenes she's only seen the show a couple of times).

In case you wonder about the "half-man" (a term which reminds me how they often refer to Peter Dinklage in Game of Thrones - an HBO series with so much sex, it appears it's ready made for a parody), he shows up in the last scene and makes of point of mentioning he's 18 (thus legitimizing him being in a XXX movie, albeit without a sex scene). The only saving graces to This Ain't Two and A Half Men XXX are the two lead actors, Stone and Deen. Their opening and closing scenes showed the two actors giving it their best try, but two scenes do not make a good parody, I rate this one D+

OFFICIAL PSYCHO PARODY

Official Psycho Parody starring Sara Sloane, Ryan McLane,Breanne Benson, Dane Cross, Eric Masterson, Francesca Le, Kagney Linn Karter, Katie Jordan, Lee Stone, Mark Wood, Michael Vegas, Tabitha Stevens and directed by Gary Orona

The Plot: In case there is anyone who hasn't seen the original Psycho (Is that possible?), here's a short plot summary - Woman wants to marry her boyfriend, but he wants to wait until they have some money set aside, since he is financially strapped. She steals cash from her employer and leaves town. She stops at a run down motel run by Norman Bates, who just happens to be a Psycho.

: First things first, even though this movie is titled Official Psycho Parody (I guess to distinguish it from any Unofficial one) this is not really a parody. Official Psycho Parody is what the big mainstream movie studios would call a re-imagining of an original movie. In this case, it just happens to be re-imagined as a porn movie.

Official Psycho Parody takes the basic premise as discussed in the plot summary above, then creatively comes up with its own interpretation of the main character, Norman Bates. The movie opens with titles and music very similar to the original Psycho. This sequence is in black and white, but as the movie begins it turns to color. [There is a black and white version on the extras disc OR you can just turn your color off, if you want to see Official Psycho Parody in black and white ala the original movie. Personally, the color didn't bother me.] Since Sara Sloane (a good casting choice for the Janet Leigh part) and her boyfriend are already in a hotel room at the start, I expected a sex scene but, to my surprise, the movie kept going and skipped that first sex scene many features insist on including, which can bog a plot down from the get-go.

After Sara goes back to the office, we get the plot set-up with her receiving money from one of her boss's clients, which she is supposed to take to the bank. Instead she steals the money, leaving town to meet her boyfriend and start a new life. Along the way she gets off the main road and stops at The Bates Motel, where she meets the proprietor Norman Bates (Ryan McLane, another good casting choice since McLane is able to to bring a certain twitchy creepiness to his role, reminding me of Anthony Perkins in Psycho). At this point the plot of Official Psycho Parody starts to deviate, for the most part, from the original Psycho with only the necessary inclusion of the shower scene.

I'm not going to spoil any more of the movie by going into further detail about the plot of Official Psycho Parody. I will just say it was wonderful to see someone put some thought and creativity into what could have been another run-of-the-mill endeavor. Although the plot makes logical sense and progresses from start to finish, the weakness of Official Psycho Parody comes when a couple of the sex scenes are inserted into the movie. Of the five sex scenes, two are logical, one borders on being logical and two are so illogical they almost seem as though the director is saying "wink wink nudge nudge" we're in a porn movie and now it's time for sex.

Even though it's played straight, the storyline/dialogue has a fair amount of humor with a few laugh out loud moments. A special mention should be made of Tabitha Stevens, who appears in a non-sex role in a couple of flashback sequences as Norman Bates' mother. She gives a superb over-the-top melodramatic performance.

The director, Gary Orona, understood using a minimalistic approach with music to create dramatic tension throughout Official Psycho Parody (Hmm, I wonder who he learned that from...oh yeah, that Hitchcock fellow) and how to use the right type of music. Considering all of the above, plus the great sets and the period costuming of the characters, Orona and his wife Stevens did a terrific job with Official Psycho Parody. If the sex scenes had been more fully integrated into the story line, I could have rated the movie a little bit higher; however, it still gets an A- from me.

L.A. UNFORGIVEN

L.A. Unforgiven starring Julie Meadows, Evan Stone, Herschel Savage, Chris Cannon, Tina Cheri, Michael J. Cox, Ryan Conner, Cheyanne, Sammie and directed by Francios Clousot

The Plot: L.A. Unforgiven takes its basic plot from Chinatown - a private detective is hired to snoop on a local big time realty developer by who he is led to believe is the developer's wife. He finds the husband cheating and leaks this news to the local newspaper causing a big scandal. Then, the real wife shows up and threatens to sue the private detective.

: L.A. Unforgiven had an odd mixture of 40's noir combined with the year 2000 (when the movie was filmed). Some of the sets and costuming were more in line with the 40s, while at the same time there were outside shots of modern Los Angeles and current day automobiles. The plot was more 40's driven than modern day, since really who's getting all that upset today about a real estate developer having an affair....besides his wife. The male actors had the right suits and hats, but sported pony tails. The females in the movie had good looking 4o's style dresses, but also had bad implants and stripper shoes right out of the late 90's/early 2000's. Even with all of the above stated differences, the director, Francios Clousot, was able to make the story work by having his actor/performers be believable in their roles and never mentioning when the movie was occurring.

None of the acting was outstanding enough to be mentioned, but then again, no one was bad enough to be singled out either. Most of the sex scenes were placed logically into the plot with only one scene having such a quick set-up to appear forced into the storyline. On a side note, the sex scenes weren't mind-numbing long, only running around fifteen minutes.

Francios Clousot does a lot of cinematography for other XXX movies and in L.A. Unforgiven he has some deft camera work throughout the movie involving shadows, definitely a nod to 40's black and white noir, where shadows were an integral part of the film. After watching this movie, I think if someone gave Francious Clousot some serious cash to do a XXX feature, he could really deliver the goods. I give L.A. Unforgiven a B+

NOT THE BRADYS XXX - PUSSY POWER

Not The Bradys XXX - Pussy Power starring Lexi Belle, Dylan Riley, James Deen, Ron Jeremy, Mike Horner, Kris Slater, Alana Evans, Mikey Butders, Tanner Mayes, Ashlyn Rae, Nicole Ray, Seth Gamble, Eric John, Lynn Lemay, Rebecca Riley and directed by Will Ryder

The Plot: Jan (Dylan Riley) wants to be popular like her sister Marcia. Her friend Monica (Tanner Mayes) advises her "Your pussy and blow jobs are the key to your success." In other words, she's got Pussy Power between her legs. Jan sets out to discover if her friend is telling her the truth.

: I'm not quite sure why I keep renting these Brady parodies. I rarely watched the original show and have only a superficial feeling for the different characters in the show. I can only assume Will Ryder, as the director, is my main motivation to rent another Brady parody, since when it comes to XXX parodies Ryder is the top man in the genre.

Not The Bradys XXX - Pussy Power had a well written plot (Jan wanting to be as popular as her big sister Marcia) which was similar to the original TV show and contained some great comedic lines. Detail was paid to the sets and the costuming, which always seems to be the case in a Ryder movie. Something I didn't notice on my initial viewing, but thought of later, was the sound was top notch, a failure of many feature porn movies. All the acting was fine in the movie and everyone stayed in character, even if loosely, through their sex scenes.

Each new Brady parody holds less and less interest for me. I enjoyed the first one Not The Bradys XXX, didn't get too much out of the second one Not The Bradys XXX: Marcia Marcia Marcia and got even less out of this third entry. IF you've never seen one of the Brady parodies OR if you're a big fan of the original show, you will probably enjoy this movie more than I did. It probably should rate at least a B+, considering all the good points I mentioned in the previous paragraph, but for me on a personal level, I grade this one C-

THIS ISN'T FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High starring Tori Black, Bridgette B, Charley Chase, Chastity Lynn, Natasha Nice, Scott Lyons, Seth Gamble, Michael Vegas, Chad Alva and directed by Sammy Slater

The Plot: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High really doesn't have a plot, but simply picks out a few key scenes from the original movie and parodies them. The movie has a running time of 142 minutes and with the four sex scenes in the movie running over 30 minutes each, this leaves only approximately 12 minutes for plot/dialogue.


: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a cheap, hastily put together movie, with skimpy sets and a small cast. However, there were two things which helped pull the movie up from the being the piece of dreck it could have been. The first was all of the performers stayed in character during their sex scenes. I'm sure this had to come from the direction they were given, since this doesn't happen in most XXX features. The second saving grace of This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High was the acting level was, for the most part, top notch. Chad Alva was a natural playing the perpetually stoned Specoli (in this movie his character is named Spermcoli). Also outstanding were Seth Gamble in the Damone part and Natasha Nice playing the Stacy role.

With the super long sex scenes (Thank You FF Button) and the short plot, This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High would have easily rated in the below average column with me, but due to the two factors I discussed above, I'm giving this one a C+

A-TEAM XXX: A PARODY

The A-Team XXX" A Parody starring Bree Olson, Chastity Lynn, Emily Parker, Evan Stone, Jack Vegas, Jessica Jaymes, Jordan Lane, Luscious Lopez, McKenzie Lee, Randy Spears, Rick Garcia, Roy Karch, Scott Lyons, Sophie Dee, Stephanie Cane, Tyler Knight, Wendy Divine, Angela Aspen and directed by David Lord.

The Plot: Bree Olson and her ex-husband both work for the same newspaper. When her husband gets photos of a drug deal involving a biker gang, the police, and a city councilman, he knows he's got a real scoop, but before he can write the "big story" he is kidnapped by the biker gang. Bree hires The A-Team to help get him back safe.

: I'm not sure I would call The A-Team XXX a parody; I personally would classify it as a remake of the original show....with, of course, hard-core sex scenes added. The A-Team XXX had an opening sequence which aped the original TV show and included the introduction of each of the cast members: Randy Spears made a pretty decent Hannibal and would have been even better if he hadn't been given such a bad wig to wear. Evan Stone plays Face and, of course, that gave him plenty of material to work with as "the pretty boy'. Scott Lyon did an outstanding job as the loose screw Murdock. Tyler Knight was born to play his role, he was a dead ringer for Mr. T and delivered his lines in the same gruff manner.

The A-Team XXX is heavy on plot with approximately one-third of the 145 minute running time given over to story with the rest going to the sex scenes. In the second half, the movie went for such a long stretch with only story and action sequences, I thought the sex scenes were over. The plot devices used to move the story along were weak in a couple of spots, but then the original TV show usually had the same type of weak spots in its plot lines.

The sex scenes in The A-Team XXX weren't completely integrated into the storyline, and for the most part used standard porn set-ups to insert them into the plot. At the same time, they weren't so jarringly inserted into the story to make them outside the realm of possibility (that may just be my own addled thinking from watching too much porn).

An interesting underlying theme in The A-Team XXX is how the male characters react to Bree Olson's character. She's told by her boyfriend not to get involved in his "man's work". Her editor asks her "if she's having her period" and tells her "women are too emotional". Even Randy Spears' character tells her "women are hard to deal with". But, Bree's character is the one who learns how to contact The A-Team and hires and pays them. Before the movie is over, Bree also has helped rescue her ex and written "the big story" herself, which causes her ex and her editor to begrudgingly praise her. In a last bit of comeuppance at the end of The A-Team XXX, Bree blackmails Randy Spears into letting her become the newest member of The A-Team. I was surprised to see this theme of misogynists being outdone by the female lead in a porn movie. However, it was only subtly placed in the story leaving a message most may not catch, but which may possibly enter their subconscious.

While The A-Team XXX isn't completely perfect, it is damn good. If you were a fan of the original The A-Team or if you're just a fan of the current wave of porn parodies, I don't think you'll be disappointed in this one and I rate it A-

MILES FROM NEEDLES

Miles From Needles starring Kimberly Kane, Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Maria Bellucci, Evan Stone, James Deen, Steven St. Croix, Brian Surewood and directed by B. Skow

The Plot: Stephen St. Croix finds April Blossom and his wife, Savanna Samson having sex (the first 25+ minute sex scene in Miles From Needles, which is the length of all the sex scenes in the movie). He starts having rough sex with Savanna, and this being porn, April eventually joins the duo. In a panic that St. Croix will kill them, April murders him and the two women go on the run, where their life intersects with the weird.

Things start down the wrong track when they are arrested by Evan Stone and taken to jail. It turns out Evan isn't a real policeman and has taken them to his own private jail. They are handcuffed standing up to a wall where they get to watch Evan and his wife/girlfriend, Kimberly Kane have sex.

Miles To Needles then cuts to the next morning where we get a scene that looks straight out of an early John Waters film. The women are chained to a table and are being served breakfast by Evan and Kimberly in their trailer. Kimberly is dressed, but Evan walks around naked while James Deen, who is referred to by the other two family members as Constance, crouches and hides around the kitchen in his underwear. When Evan and Kimberly leave, the girls convince Deen to let them go and they will hug him as he has requested.....the John Waters influence stops here as James Deen, Savanna, and April all start into the next sex scene. To their surprise, Evan and Kimberly are wise to what was going to happen, as we see them pull back a curtain they have been hiding behind waiting to watch their morning entertainment.

After the sex scene, Deen puts the naked women into a darkened room, where they are later visited by Evan holding a flashlight. When Evan forces one of them to have oral sex the movie loses continuity, since we can see both of Evan's hands but the flashlight is still mysteriously being pointed at the girls. Evans' wife gets wind of what he's doing and calls him out of the room. The girls somehow get dressed in mere seconds (I guess they found their clothes with the flashlight Evan left behind, but my oh my they are fast dressers) and jump out of the room and hit Evan with the flashlight.

The girls run out of the house and are chased by Evan, who gets so tuckered out he has to stop and use his inhaler. The girls hide out in a garage where Brian Surewood and Maria Belucci are having sex. Evan comes to the garage and joins in the action. This sex scene includes Evan holding a camera which is supposed to be showing us the action and the movie loses continuity once again, as the camera and what the viewer sees are never correctly in alignment. After this long sex scene the girls flee again and after a lot of running they wind up in the backyard of the same house they fled from....where???....I won't spoil anymore of the plot, but will mention one other odd bit - someone gets killed near the end of the movie, but magically reappears in the closing scene of Miles From Needles.

: The sex scenes are so long, I've even seen reviewers, who are primarily interested in XXX movies for the sex scenes, mention they're too long in Miles From Needles. The movie did use some standard plot devices to set up the sex scenes, but the main story was outside the usual realm of porn plots, with the "John Waters" scene definitely being quite novel for this genre of movie making. The acting, for the most part, was up to the level of late night cable viewing with no one being weak in their parts. I really couldn't pick the best actor in the movie, but Kimberly and Evan are always top rated adult actors in my book. If the sex scenes hadn't been mind numbingly long and with a little more attention to details, I could have rated Miles From Needles higher, as it stands I going to give it a C+

THIS AIN'T HAWAII FIVE O

This Ain't Hawaii Five O starring Kaiya Lynn, Lana Lopez, Nicole Ray, Priya Rai, Sophia Santi, Victoria White, Jack Lawrence, Jack Vegas, Pike Nelson, Tommy Gunn and directed by Stuart Canterbury.

The Plot: A young woman fought with her fiance and has arrived in Hawaii on what should have been her honeymoon, but is now a solo vacation. When she is found murdered in her hotel room, Hawaii Five-O is eager to solve the case, since this could hurt the tourism industry.

: The last Stuart Canterbury movie I saw was Get Smartass, which was a very badly done parody. This Ain't Hawaii Five O is only marginally better than that movie. Unfortunately, marginally still doesn't make this one very good either. The movie begins with a disclaimer about it being a parody of the original 1960s show, but This Ain't Hawaii Five O blends the old TV show with the current incarnation now showing on CBS.

The story can only be described as skimpy at best and has to try really hard (and fails) to logically insert sex scenes into the plot. At one point a girl on girl jailhouse scene is inserted into the movie and it has nothing to do with the plot. It only exists, apparently, to fulfill the need to have such a scene in the movie.

The bad wig on Jack Vegas, who plays Jack Lord's part from the original series, doesn't help matters. It only makes him appear ludicrous instead of believable in his part. The other main character, Jack Lawrence playing the part of Danno, fairs a little bit better, mainly since he doesn't have to wear a wig and is already blond. The female performers are for the most part forgettable, other than I do remember seeing too many bad "boob jobs" while watching the sex scenes with Nicole Ray being the only exception, too bad her role wasn't more fully developed.

If this is the first parody anyone happened to watch, it would probably turn them off from seeing anymore. Hell, I've seen lots of parodies and when I run across one like This Ain't Hawaii Five O, it almost turns me off from watching anymore....it's that bad. I'm giving this one a D-

NEXT

Next starring Kaylani Lei, Brianna Love, Voodoo, Derrick Pierce, Kissy Kapri, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Alex Sanders and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

The Plot: Two girlfriends (Kaylani and Brianna) discuss their current relationships and make them sound a little bit better than they really are. Brianna convinces Kaylani to try speed dating where they meet a roomful of wacky characters.

: If this was a mainstream movie it would be labeled a "chick flick", which would make a lot of guys and some "chicks" avoid such a movie at the local multiplex. In the land of porno, movies don't get labeled like that and Next is just labeled a plot based feature.

Kaylani does a great job in her role, but she is basically playing the part of the "straight man" to Brianna's wackiness. Brianna is so good as the ditsy friend, she really steals the movie from the star, Kaylani. Since Next is a short 89 minute movie, the sex scenes (which are integrated into the film) don't run on to the point of becoming boring and detracting from the flow of he movie. As an added plus to the movie, there are a few XXX directors who make cameos during the speed dating segment. Next was another great movie from Jonathan Morgan, who to the best of my memory, has never disappointed me. I grade this one an A.

SEX PIX

Sex Pix directed by James Avalon and starring Sunny Lane, Alektra Blue, Hillary Scott, Veronica Jett, Kelly Wells, Haley Paige, Mason, Tee Reel, Tyla Wynn, Staci Thorn, Gia, Dominica Leoni, Luccia, Isabella Stanza, Evan Stone, Manuel Ferrara, Erik Everhard, Mr. Marcus, Kurt Lockwood, Brett Rockman with a special appearance by Veronica Hart

The Plot: Sunny Lane wakes up in a motel room with an abusive and bleeding Evan Stone. How did she get here? Her only clues are a group of photos as Sex Pix starts at the end and rewinds into her past.

: First things first - the biggest mystery is why they ripped off the plot from Memento and titled the film Sex Pix....was the title Sexmento already taken...or did the producers of the movie think that porn watchers don't watch "mainstream" movies and would think the backwards plot was unique to Sex Pix...Your guess is as good as mine. Unfortunately, I don't think even a better title would have helped the movie very much.

While the plot started strong and looked like it would be interesting to travel backwards in time and find out why Evan was bleeding and why he was so pissed off, Sex Pix quickly deteriorated into revolving around a a sex club in order to present a bunch of not very well shot sex scenes. During these scenes people would sometimes run in and out looking for Sunny Lane asking everyone if they had seen her, this eventually became unintentionally funny.

Unless you are looking for some long sex scenes (one orgy scene went on for so long I even got bored while fast forwarding through it) with a bare bones ripped off "mainstream" plot and some unintentional humor, best to skip this one. I grade it D

RAWHIDE

Rawhide starring Carmen Luvana, Kaylani Lei, Julian, Olivia Del Rio, Taylor Rain, Velvet Rose, Brooke Balentyne, Jesse V., Natalia Wood, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Steven St. Croix, Dale DaBone, Cheyne Collins, Joey Ray and directed by Nicholas Steele

The Plot: Carmen Luvana has been living in the city for years, but after her father dies, she inherits his ranch and must make a decision to either sell the ranch or run it herself.

: Rawhide had a logical plot, was shot on location and had great costumes. This should have been one of the best feature XXX movies I had ever seen, instead I found a movie that wound up boring me. I'm going to blame it on bad editing. The almost three hour running time is padded with long scenes of people riding horses, shots of the locales, or even having the camera linger on a fire. The other problem I had with Rawhide was, after sinking so much money in the movie, why didn't they hire a cameraman who could backlight a scene. There were way too many scenes in the movie which were either too dark due to being lit wrong OR maybe not lit at all. While Rawhide was a major disappointment for me, I appreciate the high production values and the effort put into the movie to make it appear almost mainstream (albeit with hardcore sex) and I'm going to give it a B.

CHAUFFEUR'S DAUGHTER

Chauffeur's Daughter starring Lanny Barby, Kelly Wells, Paulina James, Kimberly Franklin, Ava Lauren, Victoria Valentino, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, Herschel Savage, Kurt Lockwood, Jay Ashley and directed by Paul Thomas.

The Plot: The chauffeur's daughter (Lanny Barby) is madly in love with her father's employer's son Tony (James Deen). The son also loves her, but they are from two different worlds and his mother doesn't approve. Lanny is going to finishing school in Paris and Tony is being encourage to marry a socialite. Can their love survive long distance? Will Tony cave to his mother's demands? Tune in tomorrow to find out on As The World Turns....OOPS! I meant Chauffeur's Daughter!

: I keep thinking one day I'll see a movie by Paul Thomas that will make me realize he really is the genius that he thinks he is....but Chauffeur's Daughter is not that film. And I'm saying that with fondness, because I think P.T. really tries to add something to the world of feature XXX movies. Besides the soap opera-ish plot as described above (which I guess could be considered a novel idea), the movie is really just your "run of the mill" XXX movie with sex scenes broken up occasionally by plot exposition. At times the plot appears rushed (or badly edited) to get to the sex scene leaving the viewer to wonder why the sex scene is taking place other than the fact they're watching a XXX movie. Plus the movie is filled with bad boob jobs and while that may not be a turn-off for everyone, it certainly detracts from my enjoyment of any XXX movie. I rate this one a solid D

TAXI - A HARDCORE PARODY

Taxi - A Hardcore Parody starring Eva Angelina, Anthony Rosano, Jenny Hendrix, Kirsten Price, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Evan Stone, Ron Jeremy and directed by Anton Slayer

The Plot: Almost non-existent, the closest thing to a plot is Alex's ex-wife is coming to see him. The movie primarily relies on the audience being familiar with the characters from the original TV show.

: While I have definitely seen worse parodies, Taxi was still far from the best. I didn't expect much, since this was from Anton Slayer (Gilligan's Island, Dukes of Hazzard) and I didn't get much, so I can't say I was very disappointed. Putting some bad wigs on a couple of actors and writing a script with a few funny lines, then wrapping a very slight plot around some long drawn out sex scenes doesn't even get your movie up to the average standard set by today's modern XXX parodies.

There are two saving graces to Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, one is Anthony Rosano as Tony Banta. He actually "gets" his character and impressed me with his acting ability. I think every feature XXX movie I have seen Anthony in has led me to believe he's one of the few adult actors who could easily cross over to mainstream films.

The other highlight of Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, much to my chagrin (since this blog is concerned with plots), is the sex scene between Rosano and Monique Alexander. Not only did this scene retain my interest throughout its 18+ minutes, but Monique had one of the best porno lines I've heard in a long time (although, I'm pretty sure it wasn't scripted) when, about three-quarters of the way into the scene, she states " Have Your Way With Me, I'm Cock Drunk".

Considering all of the above - one good actor, one good sex performance, a few laughs, and adding a point for Kirsten Price being a pretty good ringer for Elaine, I going to give Taxi - A Hardcore Parody a C-

PERFECT MATCH

Much like The One, Perfect Match is another example of how a good movie can be made on a small budget IF you have a good director, good writing, and a good cast.

Perfect Match begins at a bar where Katie Morgan and Monica Mayhem are discussing the dating world. Also in the bar are Eric Masterson and Barrett Blade discussing the world of dating. Eric and Barrett have some of the truest sounding male to male peer dialogue I have heard since the first season of Entourage. Their dialogue may have been improvised, but IF it was written, Bravo! to the writer.

We get a flashback with Eric Masterson meeting Hillary Scott at the same bar and this results in the first sex scene, which is set in a bathroom stall. I'm still trying to get a handle on why so many sex scenes in feature XXX movies are set in bathrooms. Is it a fetish, is it easy to shoot, or is it what??? This scene is followed by Katie relating to Monica a bad encounter that she had with a pickup date. The sex scene that follows features Katie and Evan Stone, with Evan being hilarious as someone obsessed with himself (something I secretly think is probably true in real-life). The movie then moves into a confessional set-up style with the actors relating their experiences to the camera for the rest of the movie. All of these confessionals include a lot of humorous lines.

The best of the confessional scenes is when Barrett hooks up with Andreza Valentino and realizes it was a huge mistake. It seems Andreza not only wants "clean" sex talk, but she considers Barrett to be "The One" and is hopelessly in love with him. This was my first encounter with Andreza and even though everyone in the movie was great, she was so perfect in her role that I hope to see her again soon.

Perfect Match has a good flow from start to finish and since it's all about different "dating" partners the sex scenes fit into the plot. The only flaw is, like most modern XXX features, the sex scenes are too long but when (or IF) they become boring to you, just use your FF button. I rate this one an A-

Perfect Match starring Katie Morgan, Hillary Scott, Derrick Pierce, Monica Mayhem, Andreza Valentino, Evan Stone, Eric Masterson, Barrett Blade and directed by Michael Raven

SPACE NUTS

Living in The Bible Belt and also in a city that is home to Bob Jones University, getting porn movies has always been something of a challenge. Back before VHS you occasionally ran across someone that had an 8mm stag movie and that was about it. How Greenville, SC, managed to have a XXX movie theater on Main Street (see photo on sidebar) back in the late 60s and early 70s is still a mystery to me. We also had a XXX drive-in movie theater up the road in Spartanburg, SC....and here's the kicker....you had to know someone who could get you a membership card before you could get in....thankfully, I had a terrific Uncle Bob who got me one....so "Bob's Your Uncle" and I possessed a card (that joke is just for my UK and anglophile readers). Along came VHS and some of the small Mom and Pop shops tried to rent porn and were constantly busted by the police. I am still thankful to them for the times, between busts, that I could rent XXX videos.

All of the above is just a preamble to how thankful I was one day in 2006 when I read an article where Tori Spelling talked about renting porn by mail. My only awareness of Tori Spelling was that she was the daughter of Aaron and had been on some TV shows, none of which I had ever watched. When I read the following quote: ""My husband Dean McDermott and I also belong to this service that's like a porn Netflix.....The Netflix DVDs come in a red package and the porn ones come in a blue one, so we're like, "Oooh! A Netflix arrived!" or "Oooh! A porn arrived!" I became a fan of hers for life....curiously, to date I still have never seen her in any TV show or TV movie, but I won't "cotton" to anyone saying anything bad about Tori!!

After all that long winded explanation, I'm finally getting around to the movie I'm going to discuss for my 100th review. In 2004 HBO had a show called "Pornucopia" and part of that show was about the making of Space Nuts, a big budget XXX comedy with a plot. It reminded me of some of the older plot based movies I had seen years ago, albeit with a much bigger budget. I checked out Tori's recommendation and joined the online porn movie rental company with Space Nuts being one of the first movies I received.{IF you wonder why I'm not mentioning the rental company, their service was very slow and I eventually switched to another company}. Since I felt that review #100 should have some type of significance, I decided to watch Space Nuts again. It is a real rarity for me to watch a XXX movie more than once.

Space Nuts doesn't spoof any certain movie, but takes parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "Buck Rogers", and who knows what else, mixes them all together, adds in some special effects and produces an outstanding movie in the world of XXX. Space Nuts was directed and co-written by Jonathan Morgan, who has, as many of you know from my past reviews, become one of my favorite go-to directors when I'm looking for a good XXX movie. It also stars some top talent: Mike Horner, Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Stormy Daniels, Katie Morgan, Randy Spears, Devinn Lane, Jessica Drake, Kaylani Lei, Kyle Stone, and even a cameo by Ron Jeremy.

The plot centers around Princess Hubba Hubba (Stormy) who is fleeing her galaxy (the Clitoran system) from the Evil Overlord (Mike Horner - unrecognizable under a prosthetic mask) who wants to marry her and control her empire. Assisting the Evil Overlord are the Dark Witch (Devinn Lane) and General Warts (Kyle Stone). On the side of good with the Princess are Buzz Starfokker (Evan Stone) and the android Jeeves (Randy Spears).

Space Nuts had a big budget for a XXX feature (reportedly $200,000) and it looks like a lot of that money was invested in special effects with some of the effects (definitely not all) being on the level of mainstream studio productions. They also didn't cut corners on costuming or make-up, something porn features are sometimes apt to do. With the effects, the costumes, the acting, the great comic writing all added together, you get one damn good movie....How good is it? They could remove the ten sex scenes (which were all too long anyway at the modern 20+ minute length) and I would still without hesitation recommend this movie to anyone who likes a good spoof.

Space Nuts starring Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Devinn Lane, Kaylani Lei, Shanna McCullough, Katie Morgan, Kim Chambers, Amber Rain, Casey Pink, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Steve Hatcher, Trevor Zen, Scott Styles, Jim Enright and directed by Jonathan Morgan