THIS AIN'T JAWS XXX

This Ain't Jaws XXX starring Lily Labeau, Danny Wylde, Phoenix Marie, Rocco Reed, Alexis Ford, Jayden Cole, Darcy Tyler, Dale DaBone, and Evan Stone. Written and Directed by Stuart Canterbury.

The Plot: Porn's take on Spielberg's Jaws.

:   This is your average modern day spoof, with enough elements between the LONG sex scenes to be reminiscent of the original Jaws. There's very little here to recommend this movie other than Evan Stone's portrayal of Quint. Evan, as he usually does, "gets" his character.  His strongest acting is always best when he can "ham it up", which he certainly does in This Ain't Jaws XXX (I guess you have to add the "XXX" to differentiate it from some movie called "This Ain't Jaws"...as Foghorn Leghorn would say "That's a joke son").

The only other redeeming qualities of This Ain't Jaws XXX are the lovely Lily Labeau was among the cast and the set decorations were done extremely well (Set Construction is credited to XXX Ray - no relation to Mr. X-Ray). I watched the 2-D version, so I can't comment on the 3-D aspects of This Ain't Jaws XXX, but this version definitely rates a C.

MONIQUE ON THE SLY

Monique On The Sly starring Monique Alexander Lexi Bardot, Steven St. Croix, Tommy Gunn, Azalea Lee, Franko Del Toro and directed by Paul Thomas

The Plot: non-existent with a skimpy storyline.

: Monique On The Sly was characterized as a feature, but it's really just five sex scenes tied together with the weakest, and I mean weakest, connection to each other. I'm a fan of Monique's (pre-implants), but I was majorly disappointed in this movie. Monique can carry a plot driven movie, especially if it's light comedy, plus keep the sex scenes interesting, but this movie failed in both aspects. I could lay these problems at the feet of Paul Thomas, but I know he's more than capable of making a plot driven adult film. Instead, I'm blaming Vivid for making a movie that would appeal more to gonzo fans and marketing it as a feature. I grade Monique On The Sly a D.

CAPTAIN AMERICA XXX

  
Captain America XXX starring Evan Stone, Charley Chase, Ashli Orion, Jacky Joy, Sean Michaels, Juelz Ventura, Alec Knight, Jennifer White, Dane Cross, India Summer, Bill Bailey, Tara Lynn Foxx, Lizzy Borden, Scott Lyons and directed by Sinister X (Rob Black)

The Plot: Captain America has been frozen since the end of WWII. Now he has been thawed out and must save America from The Red Skull and Madame Hydra.

: Since I had just watched the excellent Spider-Man XXX, I thought I would take another go at a Marvel Comics Hero - this time Captain America. Unfortunately, Captain America XXX didn't live up to the previously mentioned movie. While it had its moments, there just wasn't anything to elevate it above any of the other modern day porn spoofs.

I personally thought Evan Stone was miscast in the titular role. While I'm a big fan of Evan's, I think he's much better in a role where he can "ham it up". In Captain America XXX he had to play it straight and it just didn't work for me, plus I felt he was just a little bit too short for the role.

The one reason I can think of to recommend this movie is India Summer's portrayal of Sarah Palin, it ranks right up there with Tina Fey's and Julianne Moore's. Speaking of Palin, Captain America XXX did a thorough job of "giving it" to the Republican Party and The Tea-Baggers....OOPS, I meant Tea Partiers. So, if you've got Right leaning political tendencies, this movie is probably not for you. I would normally grade this a C, but due to Summer's Palin, I"m upgrading it to a C+

CARPOOL

Carpool starring Kaylani Lei, Kylie Wilde, Nicole Sheridan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, Marcus London, Evan Stone, Alex Sanders, Dane Cross, Herschel Savage, Niko and directed by Jonathan Morgan

The Plot: On the ride to work each member of a carpool discusses what they did over the weekend.

: As each carpool member tells their story, we get a flashback to their sex scene. A good set up for a vignette style movie. There's nothing really that great in Carpool, on the other hand, it is does have very competent actors plus the humorous writing of Jonathan Morgan. The sex scenes are of the modern day "way too long" variety.  As far as your enjoyment of this movie, I think it will rely on how much feature porn you watch. If you've seen a lot, you'll find this just an average film. If you're newer to feature porn, you will probably be much more pleased. I grade it C+

SPIDER-MAN XXX: A PARODY

Spider-Man XXX: A Parody starring Xander Corvus, Sarah Shevon, Tyler Knight, Tara Lynn Foxx, Dick Delaware, Capri Anderson, Ash Hollywood, Seth Dickens, Brooklyn Lee
Non-sex roles: Lily LaBeau, Blyth Hess, Rob Black, Peter O’Tool, James Bartholet, William Bibbiani (of Geekscape), Michael Vegas, Shylar Cobi and directed by Axel Braun

The Plot: Spider-Man vs. Electro

: I really liked Xander Corvus as the titular character in Spider-Man XXX . I thought he made a better Spider-Man than Tobey McGuire. More great casting in Spider-Man XXX was Capri Anderson as Mary Jane, Rob Black as Jonah Jameson and Peter O'Tool as The Kingpin. Casting correctly always helps a film, but the cast also has to be able to act and there's not a weak actor in the bunch (although Peter O'Tool did falter briefly in one of his scenes). Kudos to Xander Corvus who did an outstanding job of acting, not only as Peter Parker, but also when costumed as Spider-Man.


I found it interesting Spider-Man XXX seemed to be picking up the story line between the first and second Spider-Man movies, since Peter Parker attends the funeral of Norman Osborn (The Green Goblin) and Doctor Octavious (Doc Ock) shows up at the very end of this film (a nod to Spider-Man 2). This allowed Axel Braun to create his own arc in the world of the Marvel Universe. Braun appears he may have his eye on creating more smash-ups of porn/Marvel, since the movie makes note of The Avengers, Black Widow (Hawk-eye's girlfriend) and Captain America.


There were a few minor problems with Spider-Man XXX: The special effects are pretty good in the movie with the exception of Spider-Man flying from building to building - which looked like something taken from an older video game; Tyler Knight was fine in his role, but unfortunately someone decided to spray a light top layer of gray on his hair and it just made him look odd; and several scenes in the movie had background music which overpowered the dialogue. The main flaw with Spider-Man XXX was the LONG sex scenes breaking up the flow of the narrative. The movie runs approximately 100 minutes with 80 minutes given over to sex scenes and 20 minutes to the plot. Even a 50/50 split between sex and story would have elevated Spider-Man XXX to a classic XXX parody. With the few minor flaws mentioned above, I'm still grading Spider-Man XXX an A- and it deserves that grade, if for nothing else, the porn version of the famous upside down kiss between Spidey and Mary Jane....which of course plays out a little different in Spider-Man XXX.

BLIND DATE

Blind Date starring Kaylani Lei, Kris Slater, Randy Spears, Alektra Blue, Stormy Daniels, Barrett Blade, Briana Blair, Brynn Tyler, Brendon Miller, Alexa Nicole and directed by Stormy Daniels (who also makes a non-sex cameo in the movie).

The Plot: To insure a promotion at work Kris Slater agrees to a blind date with the boss's daughter, Kaylani Lei. Neither Kris or Kaylani are very excited about the date, since they both have just ended bad relationships. They really hit it off and things are going great...until their exes show up to make the blind date turn into one disaster after another.

: Stormy has become a pretty reliable director/writer with her romantic comedies like Sleeping Around and her action comedies like Operation: Tropical Stormy. Blind Date continues in that vein and has a good opening sequence to hook you in to the storyline: Kaylani is dancing on top of a car while an apartment burns in the background, Blind Date then flashes back 36 hours to see how things got to this point.


Of course it doesn't hurt to have a great cast. The leads, Kaylani Lei and Kris Slater, both do an excellent job of carrying the movie. But it's the supporting cast who really shine in Blind Date. Barrett Blade, who has become adept at comedy is pretty darn good in the film, but comes in second to Brendon Miller, Kaylani's ex. Brendon gets some of the best lines in Blind Date and really goes all out with his character. If you don't have some laugh out loud moments with Brendon in this movie, better check for your sense of humor because you have definitely lost it. I should mention that I never could buy Randy Spears as a "redneck". It was so out of character for him I could only think I was just seeing Randy Spears trying (and failing) to act like a redneck during his scenes (and let me tell you...I know redneck....being as I am one!).


The main drawback to Blind Date is something I have found with all of Stormy's directed films....the sex scenes never generate any on-screen heat between the performers. This falls to one of two reasons I can think of....either Stormy doesn't know how to direct a sex scene (highly doubtful considering the amount of sex scenes she has appeared in over her career) OR my guess is she has been in so many sex scenes that her interest lies more in the storyline than the sex scenes. Even though here at XXX Marks The Plot I am more interested in the storyline than the sex scenes, I still want to have decent sex scenes in the films I'm watching....after all, we are talking porn here! I'm rating Blind Date a solid B.

OFFICIAL FRIDAY The 13th PARODY

Official Friday The 13th Parody starring Asa Akira, Brooke Lee Adams, Brooklyn Lee, Courtney Cummz, Kagney Linn Karter, Sara Sloane, Carlo Carrera, Kris Slater, Mark Wood, Mr Pete, Rocco Reed, with a non sex appearance by Tabitha Stevens (Mrs Orona) and directed by Gary Orona


The Plot: Kris Slater inherits Crystal Lake Nudist Camp from his grandmother. The new staff arrives on Friday The 13th to prepare for the re-opening.

: I enjoyed Official Friday The 13th Parody the first time I watched it, but after watching it a second time and skipping the sex scenes I realized it was a much better piece of movie making than I had realized on my initial viewing. Gary Orona had previously directed late night cable fare like The Erotic Traveler and Hotel Erotica and mainstream movies like The Bikini Carwash Company II plus a slew of music videos. Official Friday The 13th Parody was one of his first forays into the world of XXX features and it proves a point I often try to make, the director of a XXX feature is the most important element in porn features. Orona, armed with years of experience with his mainstream/soft core fare, shows a deft hand with camera shots and a knowledge of how to create suspense with music, not to mention knowing how to make a coherent plot that works from start to finish.


I only had only a few minor quibbles with Official Friday The 13th Parody: One was an inconsistency in the storyline. We're told the killer has flesh eating jism, but in one scene an arrow through the neck is used as the death device, similar to what you would have seen in the original theatrical movie. Are we to assume there are two killers? or was this just a gaffe in the storyline? Also, I found some the female co-stars in the film to be lacking in their acting ability with their talents lying more in their sexual performances. One final note about something I found sort of odd with the movie was a sequence setting up a sex scene. The trio in this scene were going to play strip Monopoly, however, the two women in the scene had been topless from the start of the movie.


I'm not going to harp on about the sex scenes being too long, but it was evident after my second viewing that they had been long enough to hurt the flow of the film. On the plus side, the sex scenes were all done in a fashion which kept them interesting and, for the most part, generated some heat on screen. Too bad they couldn't have been a little shorter and more integrated into the plot. If they had, this would have been a really great XXX feature. As it stands, I'm grading it a B+, still a decent grade and well worth watching.

NURSE MONIQUE

Nurse Monique starring Monique Alexander, Jenna Presley, Chris Cannon, Nick Manning, Lexi Love, Justin Magnum, Katarina Kat and directed by Chuck Lords (Paul Thomas)

The Plot: Monique is a small town girl who fantasizes about porn star Dr. Dick (Nick Manning). Her drug dealing husband (Chris Cannon) hates it when Monique watches Dr. Dick movies. When Monique witnesses her husband being killed she flips out and takes off for "Porno Land" in order to find Dr. Dick....but her husband's killers are right behind her.


: Nurse Monique is a movie that is better than it has a right to be. There are several things which are just plain bad, but there's just enough right with the movie to make it an enjoyable viewing. Most of the bad elements center around occurrences which only happen in the world of porn.


Probably, the worst problem with Nurse Monique is some/most of the sex scenes are "forced" into the plot (Hey, I know it's porn, but some logic still needs to apply). The stupidest one being when Chris Cannon has been kidnapped by a pair of mobster enforcers (Katarina Kat and Justin Magnum). Cannon takes them back to his house where he waits patiently in the bedroom while Katarina and Justin have sex in the living room. Katarina then comes into the bedroom, has sex with him and then kills him by ??? ......I won't spoil that part of the plot. Speaking of Katarina Kat her accent changes from scene to scene and sometimes within the same scene. Last, but certainly not the least thing that is wrong with Nurse Monique, is when the "fourth wall" is broken at the end of the film. It's out of place and nowhere near as clever as the director probably thought it was....then again this ain't Shakespeare we're dealing with here.


Moving on to the good elements in Nurse Monique: Justin Magnum as one of the kidnappers does an accent which makes him sound like Borat. It was such a stupid choice that it was funny to me. Next, Paul Thomas did something in Nurse Monique that I haven't seen in modern XXX features - During a fairly long driving sequence, with Monique on her way to "Porno Land", an original song played in the background. This was a nice nod to the Golden Age of Porn, with which the director Paul Thomas is very familiar. One final note on what elevated Nurse Monique for me, was Monique Alexander herself. Not only is Monique able to actually act, but she always appears to really be enjoying her sex scenes, an oddity in most XXX features. I'm not really recommending Nurse Monique to anyone, but for me, the good elements outweighed the bad and I'm rating the movie a C+

SCOOBY DOO: A XXX PARODY

Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody starring Bree Olson, Bobbi Starr, Chad Alva, Michael Vegas, Evan Stone, Lily Labeau and directed by Eddie Powell

The Plot: After a night of partying, Shaggy wakes up to find his buddy Scooby missing. The gang sets out in The Mystery Van to find him and wind up in a spooky old mansion.

:I've seen a lot of really bad porn parodies, let me say that again to stress the fact that I've seen a LOT of really bad porn parodies. Why do I keep watching them? Because....when a good one finally comes along, it seems watching all the other dreck I sat through worth the effort. That's probably not true, but I've got to have some excuse for my obsession with porn parodies.


Getting back on track, Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody is not only one of the good ones, it turned out to be one of the great ones. The story is pitch perfect, mainly because it could have been the plot from any one of the numerous Scooby Doo cartoon episodes; but a story is nothing without good dialogue and Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody succeeds on that level and with actors who can actually deliver their lines.


I think in many parodies the actor/performer isn't familiar with the source material nor the character they are portraying. You can always tell who knows their character and who doesn't. In my opinion, that's why you see someone like Randy Spears or Evan Stone, guys with a few more years on them, shine in parodies, because they've seen the original shows or at least the first round of reruns. All of this is my convoluted way of getting around to saying the cast of Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody are the right age to have grown up with Scooby and The Gang and therefore "get" their characters. Bree Olson as Daphne, Bobbi Starr as Velma, Michael Vegas as Fred are all perfectly cast for their roles and in a "born for the part", Chad Alva IS Shaggy. Throw in Evan Stone and you've got a great cast.


Eddie Powell, before this film, had directed such movies as Fuck For Dollars 2-9, She's Got Big Boobs 1 -3, and There's A Great Big Penis In My Butt. These titles didn't give me much hope when I rented Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody. Eddie Powell turned out to be a the real thing when it comes to directors, with camera shots I haven't seen in any other porn movies and a scene overlaid with a previous scene (sorry, I'm not technical enough to know what this is called) that I'm pretty sure is unique in porn to only this movie (unless Eddie Powell is off doing the same somewhere else). Eddie Powell, of course, has gone on to direct the outstanding XXX movies, Anchorman: A XXX Parody and Love Is A Dangerous Game.


I'm going to stop ranting and just say Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody was good enough that I'll do something I rarely rarely ever do with porn movies....watch it again. Do yourself a favor, if you like porn parodies or porn comedies, rent or buy Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody today. Without hesitation I grade this one A+.

The TWILIGHT ZONE PARODY

The Twilight Zone Porn Parody starring Jessica Jaymes, Evan Stone, Kylee Reese, Chayse Evans, Kimberly Kane, Eric Swiss, Jack Lawrence, Eric Masterson and directed by Paul Thomas


The Plot: A new couple moves into a neighborhood at the beginning of the sexual revolution and have an effect on the other residents of Venture Lane.... or do they?

: I've seen some complaints that this movie isn't really a parody of The Twilight Zone. It doesn't start with similar music to remind you of the TV show and you don't see the narrator. However, there are some elements reminiscent of the original TV show: There is a voice over at the start and end of the movie, plus it has a very slight twist at the end and presents a moral lesson. I think people tend to forget that not every one of the original TV episodes were gems, some episodes were merely okay and The Twilight Zone Porn Parody would fall into the "okay" category easily.


All the acting was fine in the movie, which should be expected since it starred some of the top talents in the adult industry: Kimberly Kane, Eric Swiss, Evan Stone, and Eric Masterson. My biggest gripe with The Twilight Zone Porn Parody is Paul Thomas went to the trouble to costume the women with period type undergarments and June Cleaver pearls. This was supposed to make you feel it was the late 1950's/early 1960s, but then Thomas cast females with lots of tattoos which just seemed incongruous. I wouldn't go so far as to recommend The Twilight Zone Porn Parody, it's just an average movie and as such rates a C.

OPERATION: TROPICAL STORMY

Operation: Tropical Stormy starring Stormy Daniels and Evan Stone with Annabelle Lee, Bella Ling, Carolyn Reese, Dave Cummings, Desiree Diamond, Devon Lee, Gianna Lynn, Havana Ginger, India Summer, Julius Ceazher, Marcus London, Mark Wood, Mia Lelani, Mikayla Mendez, Mya Luanna, Nikki Rhodes, Randy Spears, Renae Cruz, Sammie Rhodes, Shyla Stylez, Tee Reel, Tommy Gunn, Tony De Sergio, Voodoo and directed by Stormy.


Operation: Tropical Stormy is a sequel to Operation: Desert Stormy which was a really good XXX comedy, but Desert (2007) predates this blog's existence. One of the main changes in Tropical Stormy is Evan Stone has replaced Steven St. Croix as Stormy's husband/fellow agent. My understanding is St. Croix held out for more money and so they replaced him with Stone. The plot handles this by having St. Croix's life being in danger and he's given plastic surgery to ward off the hit that has been placed on him. They make him look like the porn star "Evan Stone", even including a penis enlargement in the process. They use this opportunity, and also later in the film, to make a few jokes at the expense of St. Croix.


There's a lot of story and a lot of comedy before getting to the main plot: Stormy and Evan wind up shipwrecked on an island where a lovelorn Korean dictator is plotting to take over the world with poisoned BBQ sauce. With a lot of twists, Stormy and Evan wind up foiling his plans and save The USA.


Operation: Tropical Stormy appeared to have a fairly decent budget and was a very well written comedic movie with some added action sequences. Both Evan and Stormy are two of the top notch adult performers around today. They are both deft, at not only physical comedy, but also at having fun with their characters, even if they have to look a little silly doing so. After all of the laughs I had while watching the movie, I was a little taken aback at the downbeat ending, which appeared to be setting up for a third film in the series. Operation: Tropical Stormy's weakest part were the sex scenes, not a one stood out as being anything but average. My grade for this movie: B

ANCHORMAN: A XXX PARODY

Anchorman - A XXX Parody starring Jack Lawrence, India Summer, Anthony Rosano, Eric Masterson, Dana DeArmond, Dale DaBone, Aiden Starr, Tasha Reign, Dylan Ryan, Adriana Sephora with a non-sex cameo by Nina Hartley and directed by Eddie Powell.


It's been a long time since I saw Anchorman and I really don't recall the plot. I found it wasn't necessary to be overly familiar with the original film, because I really enjoyed this movie. In Anchorman - A XXX Parody, Ron Burgundy has made the big time, but gets fired because of a "boob" necklace he wears. When he goes back to his old station, he finds the whole news team is now made up of only women. His all male news team reassembles and hopes to take back the station. Too bad for Ron and his team, because the women are onto their scheme.


Jack Lawerence, who has never impressed me in the past, definitely did in Anchorman - A XXX Parody. Even though Lawrence is doing an imitation of Will Ferrell playing Burgundy, Lawrence seemed believable in the role, while as I remember it, Ferrell was just giving another one of his "look how stupid I can be" performances. The rest of Burgundy's news team, played by Dale DeBone, Anthony Rosano, and Eric Masterson, are also great in their roles.


It goes without saying, since this is a current day porn feature, the sex scenes are too long. I only bring this up to make a special note about Dana DeArmond in her scene with Eric Masterson. While DeArmond wasn't the only actor/performer to remain in character during their sex scenes (most likely due to the direction of Eddie Powell), it was just that Dana was so darn good at remaining in character throughout her scene, it made the segment a lot more interesting and was the standout sex scene of the movie.


This was another great comedy parody from Eddie Powell, who also directed the terrific Scooby Doo: A XXX Parody and while Anchorman: A XXX Parody isn't quite as good as the aforementioned, it still one of the better XXX parodies out there and rates a solid B.

ELVIS - A PORN PARODY

Elvis - A Porn Parody starring J. Jay, Dale DaBone, Lexi Belle, Andy San Dimas, Alec Knight, Tyler Knight, Jessica Bangkok, Codi Carmichael, Jesse Palmer, Asa Akira, Ron Jeremy and directed by Alex Braun.


When I saw the title of this movie, I thought there wasn't a chance in Hell it would be any good. I even said to myself 'These parodies are getting out of hand" to which I replied to myself "Duh". To my delight, Elvis - A Porn Parody turned out to be a cut above most of the parodies out there. Although not noted, the film is really a parody of the documentary This Is Elvis, giving an overview of the life of Elvis...albeit this time with a porn slant.


Directed by Alex Braun (This Aint Star Trek #1 and This Aint' Star Trek #2) and starring Jay J as the younger Elvis and Dale DaBone as the older Elvis, the movie is also able to include other notable stars within the documentary framework: Ann-Margret (Lexi Belle), Priscilla Presley (Andy San Dimas), Mohammad Ali (Tyler Knight), Marilyn Monroe (Codi Carmichael), Natalie Wood (Jessie Palmer) and James Dean (James Deen - playing his namesake) and even Ron Jeremy makes an appearance as Elvis' second cousin (thrice removed).


While Jay J was good as young Elvis, it's Dale Dabone as the older Elvis who really got into his character. He must have really liked playing Elvis, since I saw he even went as Elvis to the AVN award show. It would be hard to single out the best supporting actor, everyone brought their "A" game, but Deen as Dean and Tyler as Ali really stood out in this excellent cast.


Elvis A Porn Parody had a progression that made logical sense, and since it was told in a documentary style, it could easily move from one facet of Elvis' life to the next and include a sex scene without looking as though it was shoved into the film. The Marilyn segment was the only exception. It was the last sex scene and it appeared rushed, like it was time to wrap things up and end the movie. There were several song parodies of Elvis' songs and a fair amount of humor sprinkled throughout the movie. I'm giving Elvis A Porn Parody a solid B.