Saturday, November 28, 2009

SINGING! DANCING! SEX! Can Porn Carry A Tune?

You've already watched Glee this week, but you're still in the mood for a musical. Why not try a Porn Musical?

The first porn musical
I ever saw was Alice
in Wonderland. This movie had top notch production with great sets and actual acting and singing. Alice in Wonderland is equal to any made for TV movie musical that you would have seen during the same time period. As far as the sex in the movie, it starts out rather tame, but eventually builds to regular 70s porno sex. I would definitely recommended Alice In Wonderland for anyone interested in a unique porno spoof with singing and dancing. Alice in Wonderland was so good that all future porn musicals I have seen have had to be graded to this level of perfection. The only bad thing I can say about this movie is that the transfer to DVD was sort of faded and a little dark. I grade this one an A.

stars: Bradfor Armdexter, Gila, J.P. Paradine, Juliet Graham, Kristine DeBell, Melvina Peoples, Nancy Dare, Sue Tsengoles, Terri Hall, Alan Novak, Bruce Finklesteen, John Lawrence, Larry Spelman, Ron Nelson, Tony Tsengoles and directed by Bud Townsend

The next porn musical that I saw was Swinging in The Rain. The sets were really cheap looking showing that not much money was invested in this production. All the actors sing and the songs lyrics go with the scenes showing that some thought was put into them. I was disappointed that this wasn't a spoof of Singing in The Rain, but instead was a musical history of movies through the ages. However, that really doesn't matter much since the plot was dull, the sex was dull, and the movie winds up just being dull. I was especially disappointed in this one, since it was a Cash Markman movie and I'm usually a little more pleased with his movies. I grade this one a C-

stars: Alex Dane, Brittany Andrews, Frank Bukkwyd, Joel Lawrence, Michael J. Cox, Mike Horner, Morgan Fairlane, Nicole London, Nikki Sinn, Ron Jeremy, Steve Austin, Zasu Knight and directed by Cash Markman

Recently, I rented Misty Beethoven: The Musical. Since The Opening of Misty Beethoven was a porno take on Pygmalion, this musical version of course was a porn take on My Fair Lady. The movie starts out promising, with the actors overdubbing what sounds like their own voices. Some of the songs in the movie reminded me of songs from The Rocky Horror Picture Show and most of the songs that had this sound fared better than the other songs in the production. However, overall this movie just didn't have any oomph!. The plot drags from one musical number to the next musical number. Except for Asia Carrera bringing heat to her scene, the other sex scenes were uninspired to say the least. The only other good scene in the movie was Evan Stone who does a great song showing a lot of emotion in his voice for his unrequited love. I grade this one a C-

stars: Asia Carrera, Lezley Zen, Chloe, Mia Smiles, Michelle Lay, Ava Vincent, Julie Meadows, Sunset Thomas, Misty Mason, Kelly Steele, Randy Spears, Mike Horner and directed by Veronica Hart

One last movie I am going to include is Chatterbox, which isn't a porno, but is a softcore movie from 1977. The basic plot of Chatterbox is that a woman's vagina can talk and it not only talks, but sings and it sings a lot all the way through the movie. While this is a super cute idea and funny for a while, the joke wears a bit thin over the 70 plus minutes running time. I know I normally complain about too many and too long sex scenes, but if a couple of hardcore scenes had been thrown into Chatterbox to break up the on-going humor, it would have made one hell of a great porno. I understand that Chatterbox is a remake/rip-off of a hardcore 1975 French film called Pussy Talk, so possibly the French version would be a little better. I still grade this one a C+.

stars: Candice Rialson, Larry Gelman, Jane Kean, Perry Bullington, Arlene Martel, Michael Taylor, Cynthia Hoppenfield, Robert Lipton, Rip Taylor, Professor Irwin Corey and directed by Tom DeSimone

I have read that Axel Braun is in pre-production on Grease XXX, which is supposed to run 4 hours. I'm going to hold out hope that it can measure up to Alice in Wonderland. In the meantime, I guess I can re-watch Alice in Wonderland or just tune into Glee and imagine that they're all naked!!!!

Monday, November 23, 2009


I'm a sucker for porn parodies or sitcums, even though there are so few really good ones. But I keep renting them, because when a good one comes along it's worth the effort I put in sitting through the bad ones. I'm sorry to report that 30 Rock: A XXX Parody is one of the bad ones.

Whoever thought up the plot for this 30 Rock parody must have gotten confused and thought that they were doing the Not Seinfeld sitcum, since the movie is about nothing. The sparse plot revolves around trying to get better ratings for the show.

30 Rock: A XXX Parody has to rely on the characters to move the story along. You had better be familiar with the NBC 30 Rock characters or a lot of things in this movie may not make much sense. Also, be warned that none of the actors look very much like their real life counterparts.

Before renting this movie, I never bothered to check who was playing Tina Fey's part in 30 Rock: A XXX Parody. I should have known it would be Lisa Ann since she plays Palin in porn movies and Tina Fey played Palin on SNL, then of course logic dictates Lisa Ann playing Tina Fey. In my review of Letterman's Nailin Palin I said "Lisa Ann might look slightly like Palin (if you were drunk and squinted)", well to believe Lisa Ann is Tina Fey/Liz Lemon you would have to be drunk, squinting.....oh, who am I fooling, nothing will make you believe that Lisa Ann is Tina Fey. I knew Lisa Ann was bad in Letterman's Nalin Palin, but since that movie was so short, I thought maybe in a longer format she would improve. Unfortunately this wasn't the case. Lisa Ann obviously still thinks acting is "just wearing glasses".

30 Rock: A XXX Parody did have a few giggles here and there, but the best part of 30 Rock: A XXX Parody is actually a non sex role. Bishop plays the Tracy Morgan/Jordan character and he gets the same crazy lines and is the same crazy character that Tracy Morgan is on 30 Rock. Either Bishop really “got” his role or someone put a lot of effort into getting all the funny into this one character. I mean Bishop is laugh out loud funny and almost worth the cost of a rental, but just almost. I'm grading this one C-

30 Rock: A XXX Parody stars Lisa Ann, Amy Ried, Ashlynn Brooke, Ralph Long, Evie Delatosso, Lana Violet, Rebecca Linares, James Deen, Erik Everhard, Herschel Savage, Chris Cannon and is directed by Lee Roy Meyers.

Friday, November 20, 2009


Randy Spears plays David Letterman and presents a Top 11 list. Dave/Randy's first guest is Governor Sanford and there's a little joking around in the Letterman style. Obama is the next guest and after a few more jokes, Palin played by Lisa Ann appears. Palin starts to have sex with Sanford and Obama, Dave joins in, but soon makes Obama and Sanford leave. At the end of the sex scene, Sanford and Obama come back for pop shots. That's really the end of the movie. The rest of the DVD is filled with Lisa Ann scenes from other movies.

There’s things that I like about this movie: Randy does a good job imitating Letterman. The comedy writing during the Letterman segment was just as good as you get on the real show. Plus, The Top 11 list is pretty darn good, at least equal to most of The Top 10 lists on the real show.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of things that I didn't like about the movie: The actor playing Paul decided being bald and having a funky looking set of glasses was all that was needed for his role. The actor playing Sanford didn't even try for any type of imitation and the actor playing Obama wasn't much better. And finally, Lisa Ann might look slightly like Palin (if you were drunk and squinted), but she has very little acting ability. It appears that she thinks as long as she keeps her glasses on (and she struggles to keep them on during her sex scene) that she's really got this acting thing down. Adding to my misery are Lisa Ann's very, very bad fake boobs!

What puzzles me is that this is really only a 30-40 minute movie (including the sex scene), the rest of the movie is filled out with different clips from other Lisa Ann movies. It would have been easy to fill out the movie with a flashback sex scene of Sanford and his Argentina lover. Another scene could have been Obama in the Green Room with a female Secret Service Agent. Even the Paul character could have had his own scene with as the real Paul would say "some groovy music groupies". I'm not even that clever and it didn't take me but a second to think of these other scenes. With the top notch writing of the one scene that was actually the movie, this could have been a really outstanding porno. But just giving the viewer one scene and a lot of clips just doesn't do it for me. I'm giving this one a D+.

Letterman's Nailin Palin starring Lisa Ann, Sascha, Marco Banderas, Tyler Knight, C.J. Wright, Eric John, Mick Blue, Randy Spears and directed by Axel Braun

Tuesday, November 17, 2009


I would categorize Stood Up as a mockumentary, since it stars real life comedian Bob Levy and is the fictional story of his life. At least let's hope this was a fictional tale, if not, this is one more unlucky S.O.B.

Stood Up is about how Bob Levy met his agent Savanna and all the crummy gigs and bad luck he has had over the years. Bob is telling his story to Moni Michaels and in the first scene we see how the younger Bob met his agent and of course this sets up the first sex scene. The younger Bob is played by Tommy Gunn, actually Bob Levy doesn't have any sex scenes in the movie.

In the second scene Bob is playing a Bachelor Party, but he gets kicked out and the next comedian, played by Lee Stone, is a foul loud mouth who steals Bob's dirty nursery rhymes...think Andrew Dice Clay. And instead of Bob, the strippers at the party have sex with Lee Stone.

Bob is on to another lousy gig, this time at a Jewish wedding and his act isn't going over too well. However the waiter "Jerry" played by James Deen hits it off with Penny Flame and they go off and have sex. I note the name of the waiter, since we learn that Bob had an original idea for a sitcom, but someone else stole his idea…think “Seinfield“.

The fourth scene finds Bob down South, and you guessed it, Bob has another great comic idea stolen... this time think Jeff Foxworthy. On top of that, Bob gets beat up and Evan Stone winds up with Bob's agent and Kimberly Kane for the sex scene.

The final scene has Bob ready to score with Moni, but he has to finish his next set first. While he's on stage, Savanna gets the girl! Poor Bob, he just doesn't have any luck!

I struggled with the rating on this movie. The story line while brief is very good, but it could have been fleshed out with some more comedy routines from Bob Levy. The sex scenes were way too long, even longer than most modern day porno feature movie scenes. The sex scenes in Stood Up run close to 30 minutes. However, two of the scenes, even though long, generated enough on screen heat to keep me from hitting the fast forward button. These two scenes are the one with Penny Flame and James Deen and the one with Evan Stone, Savanna Sampson and Kimberly Kane. And add in that the making of featurette was entertaining and I grade it a C+, but just barely. Hey, two puns in one paragraph (fleshed out and barely).

Stood Up starring Bob Levy, Evan Stone, James Deen, Kimberly Franklin, Kimberly Kane, Lanny Barby, Lee Stone, Moni Michaels, Penny Flame, Savanna Samson, Tommy Gunn and directed by: B. Skow

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Here's what the box says: "Herschel Savage shoots from the hip on a journey into the seedy underworld of (dis)organized crime. Meet Jugsy, a stripper who bares more than her soul in a tale so torrid it`ll curl your spats. Grab a table and dim the lights. Jugsy will blow you away."

Here's what Mr. X-Ray has to say: I had high hopes for this one, after seeing the great job that Herschel Savage did with his parody of the Addams Family (See my Maddams Family review below). I rented this one with the assumption that Jugsy would be a take-off on the movie Bugsy.

But there's barely a storyline in this movie at all. Just some very short lines of dialog that connect the sex scenes, so this one was a major disappointment. And to add to my misery, most of the women were not very attractive. I grade this one a D.

Jugsy starring PJ Sparxx, Madison, Heidi, Heather Lere, E.Z. Ryder, Rob Tyler, Sean Michaels, Steve Drake and directed by Herschel Savage.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


The plot: Jack loses his job as a chef, so Chrissy gets a night job to help out. Because of things overheard, the rest of the cast assume that Chrissy has become a prostitute. Just like a real Three's Company plot: Something is said...and that something is misconstrued as something else and hilarity ensues.

This is an excellent porn parody. There are several factors that all combine to make it stand out among some of the other recently released porn parodies.

I find two things to always be necessary for a good movie (porn or otherwise): Good casting and good writing and Not Three's Company has both.

The best bit of casting without a doubt is Penny Flame as Janet. With a wig, not only does she look the part but her acting will make you think she is the real Janet. Penny Flame even stays in character during her sex scene (listen to her dialog during her scene). Next best casting: Nina Hartley makes a great Mrs. Roper. Van Damage is not too bad as Jack and the same can be said for Brynn Tyler as Christie. And a special note for the outstanding non-sex role by James Bartholet as The Doctor.

An odd bit of casting is Ron Jeremy as the bartender at The Regal Beaver. This is a non-sex role and I see no particular reasoning for him being cast in this movie, except for the name recognition on the box.

An interesting tidbit about the casting: Tommy Gunn was forced to shave his mustache for the role of Larry. I say forced, since the word was that they would kill him off in the Pirates series if he didn't. So after going to all the trouble of having him shave his mustache, they give him one more super bad fake wig.

Besides the casting, the writing is so good that it made me think that it was just a long lost Three's Company script.

A few other factors add to Not Three's Company to make it such an excellent sitcum:

The sets are colorful and reminiscent of the real show.

The audience “oohs” and “aahs” and applause spots are included in the right spots and the laugh track is reminiscent of the real TV show.

The movie ends just like a Three's Co. would end: with a little break to a blackout where a commercial would normally be and returning with a bumper spot.

And to top everything off, the theme song to Not Three's Company sounds like the real theme song only with different lyrics (check it out below in the trailer)

Not Three's Company definitely grades an A.

Not Three's Company XXX starring Nina Hartley, Penny Flame, Jenny Hendrix, Roxy Jezel, Sienna West, Van Damage, Madison Scott, Allyssa Hall, Brynn Tyler, Eric Swiss, James Bartholet, Dino Bravo, Tommy Gunn, Ron Jeremy, Scott Lyons and directed by Will Ryder

Sunday, November 8, 2009


Starring Ona Zee as Horticia. Charisma as Coustin Tit. Deidre Holland as Judith. Kim Angeli as Tuesday. Mike Horner as Cortez. Jon Dough as Crotch. Ron Jeremy as Uncle Pester and directed by Herschel Savage.

The Maddams Family had been profiting from wars, but peace is breaking out all over and the family is heading for bankruptcy. The Maddams Family don't want to have to go into the "real" world and interact with everyday people; so they come up with a plan to turn their mansion into a whorehouse.

Of course this leads to several sex scenes starting with Horticia and Cortez. On the TV series, Morticia and Gomez were always on the verge of having sex, so this scene just gives us what we didn't see on TV. Next, Tuesday gets a lesson from Cousin Tit to prepare her for the opening of the whorehouse . Then Uncle Pester poses as a client to see of Cousin Tit will be able to handle a regular customer and Cortez tests Tuesday to see if she will be capable of working in the whorehouse. The final sex scene has the one outsider, the building inspector played by Deidre Holland, and she and Horticia take on Crotch the Butler.

Remarkably all of the above sex scenes and the plot take place in 70 minutes. With today's current long sex scenes this movie would easily take two hours and maybe longer. The cast of The Maddams Family is great and they all stay within their characters throughout the movie. Ron Jeremy has a pretty bad bald wig, but he also has some of the best dialogue in the movie. Even Jon Dough, not one of my favorite porn stars, does a surprisingly good job as Crotch.

While this movie is not from the Golden Age of porn videos (it was made in the early 90s), it could easily have fit into that time period. I grade this one a solid B+.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Christmas Porn Movies

Halloween is gone and you've already watched your horror related porn. The retail stores are selling Christmas decorations already, so you might as well skip Thanksgiving and go straight to the Christmas porn.

Very Very Bad Santa stars Ron Jeremy and is a loose take-off on Bad Santa starring Billy Bob Thornton. And I mean loosely based, since there isn't a lot of story line in this movie. The main plot of Very Very Bad Santa has Ron Jeremy (Santa) and Brian Surewood (his elf) down on their luck. They manage to get a job as landscapers where the owners of the house are out of town; so Ron and Brian rent the house out to a porn movie company. Ron Jeremy does provide a few comic lines to the movie; however, the movie was deadly dull with long uninspired sex scenes. I give Very Very Bad Santa a D+.

After watching Very Very Bad Santa, I really didn't think it would be possible to see a Christmas themed porn just as bad. Well guess again, cause The Tits That Saved XXX-Mas proved me wrong. The plot: Santa can't get his magic to work his sleigh. It seems Mrs. Claus needs some help to amp up Santa's magic and she gets some of the female elfs to step in to save Christmas.

What follows are four sex scenes with lots of big huge fake boobs with background Christmas music. There were a few decent funny lines, but not enough to save this dismal excuse of Chrismas porn. I give it a D.

Is there a good Christmas porn movie out there? Is so, someone please let me know in the comment section.

Very Very Bad Santa stars Aria, Melissa Lauren, Annie Cruz, Michelle B., Randi Wright, Mary Jane, Anna Nova, Kelly Erickson, Lee Stone, Mark Wood, Ron Jeremy, Brian Surewood and is directed by Anton Slayer

Tits That Saved XXX-Mas stars Ava Devine, Chloe Dior, Chris Cannon, Eric Masterson, Kiki D'Aire, Kurt Lockwood, Kyle Stone, Rebecca Love and is directed by Skye Blue