CAROLINA JONES and THE BROKEN COVENANT

This movie was shot in Hungary and the location shooting was definitely a plus for Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant (CJ). The very first scene is shot in some caverns as we find Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) after an artifact at a Monastery. She sneaks in disguised as a Monk and happens on Steve Holmes having sex with Nikki Blond, while Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up next to them being forced to watch. Why all of this is taking place is never revealed, but it allows Carolina to rescue Dixie and get the artifact. The rescue includes some cheap gore effects that you don't usually see in feature porn movies.

Carolina gets word that her former lover John Brody (James Brossman) has information about The Ark. Dixie has transportation so Carolina reluctantly agrees to let Dixie be her sidekick. Unfortunately, Dixie's truck breaks down and they're forced to hitchhike. Carolina and Dixie get picked up by some guys who want to have sex. What follows comes as a surprise: No sex scene, instead, the guys get their asses kicked and their truck taken from them. Once they reach Brody's mansion, Dixie distracts the guards (now we have a sex scene) enabling Carolina to get into his bedroom.

Brody has been willingly tied up and blindfolded by his sex partner (Roxy Panther) for the night. She has just finished giving him oral sex when Carolina arrives and takes over. Carolina wants to know where the Ark is, so she tortures Brody for the information. There are some special effects where she pours boiling water on him and you can see steam coming off his face as it blisters. He tells her, but Carolina pours honey on Brody's genitals and releases ants into the room as punishment for his past sexual transgressions. While both the boiling water and the ants were cheesy special effects, I've seen just as bad in mainstream cheapo movies.

CJ hits its first really weak spot as a new plot point is introduced when Carolina tells Dixie, Brody is the only man she has ever had sex with. Dixie tells her she needs to have sex with someone else and this sets up a fantasy sex scene with the hotel bellman (David Perry).

In their next attempt to get the Ark, they hook up with Dixie's estranged fiancé (Zenza Raggi), but they wind up having to be rescued from the Nazis who have possession of The Ark by Carolina's father Indy (Tibor Butch, whose only resemblance to the real Indiana Jones is his hat!) . This would have been a great place to end the movie, but like many other pornos, the makers felt it necessary to tack on one more sex scene, this one between Carolina, Dixie, and the fiancé.

CJ reminded me of some of the BETTER late night Skinemax plotted movies. After stating that, there are a few things that really stood out as flaws in CJ: Bree playing the character Dixie uses a Southern accent, but she completely forgets about her accent during her sex scenes. There's also some odd music used throughout CJ that did not fit with the movie, one scene had a blues harmonica in the background that is so out of place it was distracting. As mentioned above, the last sex scene should have been left off since CJ had already come to a logical end. Taking into account these flaws along with the really good parts of the movie, I arrive at a grade of B-

Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant starring Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Blond, Roxy Panther, David Perry, Steve Holmes, James Brossman, Zenza Ragg, Tibor Butch and directed by Ethan Kane

NOT REALLY The DUKES of HAZZARD

When making these XXX parodies, there are a couple of things that help make the movie good or bad: the performers should have some resemblance to the actors they are portraying and the sets should look authentic. Unfortunately, Not Really Dukes of Hazzard (DOH) fails in both aspects.

The first scene has Bo (Bill Bailey, whose wig I think must have been attached to his hat) luring Alexis Texas' father (James Bartholet) away from the house so Luke can have sex with her. With his dark wig, Anthony Rosano playing Luke looks like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live, a turn-off in itself. This results in a 25 minute sex scene opening the movie, which in my opinion, is never a good idea with these XXX parodies. Even though Alexis keeps the scene interesting and actually remembers one time to stay in character and call Anthony "Luke". I'd already lost a lot of interest in the movie at this point. After they both get dressed, we hear the horn sound from the General Lee and Luke dashes out and hops in the car with Bo and we FINALLY arrive at the title sequence with James Bartholet doing the voice over as Waylon Jennings did in the original version. Bartholet is usually pretty reliable as a non sex actor, but he makes no effort to convince us that we are hearing Jennings voice. Hell, they probably could have gotten Shooter to do it if they had asked, since he's something of a wild child anyway.

The title includes a mild chase scene, which is looped to make it appear longer than it really was. At least we get to see one character that actually looked their part - The General Lee! I should note here that both Bill Bailey and Anthony Rosano have trouble during the movie either getting in or out of the welded shut doors of The General Lee, further taking away from any credence that you are watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Either a little practice OR the director doing re-shoots OR some closer editing could have easily solved this problem. But, when you're just cranking one of these parodies out (no pun intended), details seem to fall by the wayside.

Following the titles we get dialogue and a scene that are out of order: Enos (Dane Cross) reports that he has pulled over a woman driver, then we switch to the scene where NOW Enos is pulling over the driver (once again, sloppy film making or editing). Of course it's Daisy Duke (Ryder Skye), who actually sort of looks like Cathrine Bach - in the long shots - IF YOU SQUINT!! Needless to say, we're in for another 25 minute sex scene. Since there were lots of bad wigs in DOH, I can't point out anyone who got the worst one; however, Dane Cross was certainly given the worst costume, everything from his hat, to his badge, to his gun looked cheap and wrong, even his clothes didn't fit. As an added bonus, the combination of Dane Cross and Ryder Skye managed to produce one of the dullest sex scenes I have seen in a long time.

Daisy gets fired because having sex with Enos (to prevent a ticket) made her late for work again. But luckily! she can now enter the wet t-shirt contest Boss Hogg is putting on. Of course, since this is Boss Hogg, he has rigged the contest and has fixed it for Monique Alexander to win. We then cut to a sex scene already in progress between Monique and Cooter (Mark Wood, who looks like he chould be a brother of Dave and Phil Alvin from The Blasters). I haven't seen Monique in a while, but it appears she has been getting a lot of nice colorful tattoos since I last caught up with her. It was pretty obvious that the director, Anton Slayer, found Mark Wood lacking in the looks department, since his head rarely appears in the sex scene (that's the head on his shoulders I'm talking about). While Monique knows how to have a sex scene and has a great natural body, I still had to fast forward through another LONG scene.

I'm gonna sum up the rest of the movie, since even writing about DOH is boring me. Bo picks up Shawna Lenee, who has come into town for the contest...sex scene. Uncle Jesse gets arrested for making moonshine (with a milk can and a few pieces of pipe.....my award for worse moonshine still EVER!). Daisy has to distract Monique's father so Monique can be in the contest...sex scene...Daisy wins..Shawna is Cooter's wife...Uncle Jesse is freed from jail with funds Daisy won from the wet t-shirt contest.

There wasn't one actor in this movie that looked their part....Uncle Jesse (Carl Fredrick Coughlan) must have been cast because he had a gray beard and maybe he owned his own overalls! Rosco (Ray Marlay) looked too old for the part AND if they hadn't called him Roscoe, I don't think I would even have known who he was portraying. Boss Hogg (Allen Moffat) had a white suit and was fairly large, but couldn't act to save his life. The sets: It appears that several of the scenes took place at the same cabin, just different rooms or different locations on the outside of the cabin. The outdoor scenes could have been filmed anywhere and I suspect that some were in the cabin's driveway. Boss' place was super cheap looking (a stage and some folding chairs) and even Cooter's garage appeared to be just a large carport!

This was Vouyer Media's first foray into the world of porn spoofs. I was hoping that it would be their last, BUT, I see they have already done a parody of Taxi with Anton Slayer helming that project also. I had seen two Anton Slayer movies previously: This Ain't The Munsters (excellent) and This Ain't Gilligan's Island (terrible) giving him a 50 per cent batting average with me. Since I'm rating this one a D, Anton now rates 33 1/3 percent with me. I'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to his Taxi parody. I guess you say, "Mr. X-Ray, why not just don't watch it"......because I'M WEAK WILLED or WEAK MINDED, take your pick, when it comes to these porn parodies; I just can't help myself!!!

Not Really The Dukes of Hazzard starring Alexis Texas, Anthony Rosano, Monique Alexander, Shawna Lenee, Dane Cross, Ryder Skye, Mark Wood and directed by Anton Slayer

NOT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN XXX

This XXX movie is pretty much like any episode of TV's Married with Children. The main plot revolves around Al and his job at the shoe store. There's a new salesman at the store making Al look bad. If Al doesn't pick up the pace, he's going to lose his job. I know that sounds sort of skimpy, but Not Married With Children XXX, just like the TV show, is more character driven than story driven.

The real stand out in the movie is Eric Swiss playing Al. While, he doesn't look that much like Al (Ed O'Neill), he's got the character's mannerisms and speech patterns down pat. In my opinion he carries the whole movie. Casting Brittany O'Connell as Peg was a good choice. While a lot of the character of Peg lies in the big red wig and her clothes, the role also calls for someone that can deliver the "Peg lines" with the right attitude and Brittaney did an excellent job in her role.

The two actors playing Kelly (Kagney Linn Karter) and Bud (Dane Cross) didn't do anything to distinguish themselves. I never got the feeling that I was seeing Kelly or Bud, just two fairly decent porno actors. India Summer plays Marcie and also does a good job, but she obliviously got awarded the bad wig (every time I see a parody, one character always has a bad wig). This wig ranks right up there with the bad wig that Tommy Gunn had in Not Three's Company.


Not Married With Children XXX was well written, well directed, and the set inside the Bundy's house was spot on. The audience noises and laughs were all in the right places and you could almost believe that you were watching the regular TV version of Married With Children. The only real difference in the TV show and this parody version is instead of implied sex, there is actual sex. There was only one bad scene in the movie and it was a sex scene involving a BJ that was so badly executed, I just wound up laughing. However, that one scene wasn't enough to discourage me from enjoying this movie and giving it an A-

Not Married With Children XXX starring Kagney Linn Karter, India Summers, Dane Cross, Payton Leigh, Brittany O'Connell, Madison Scott, Brooke Belle, Eric Swiss, Kimber James, Allyssa Hall, Emy Reyes, Kora Cummings and directed by Will Ryder

DEXXXTER

Here's a prime example of what happens when untalented people try to make a spoof/parody. Dexxxter starts off great, the title sequence apes the original Dexter TV show, but adds in sex elements. The movie starts and the first scene is more than promising; but at this point in Dexxxter, I would advise you to turn the movie off and insert another DVD, since everything goes straight downhill for the rest of Dexxxter.

The plot is mostly incoherent, the sets are as cheap as you can get (some don't even make sense within the framework of the movie) and besides Nikki Rhodes as Dexxxter and a later appearance by Lexi Belle, all the other performers (no way you can call them actors) are very unappealing.

I've never seen a Pink Lotus feature before and I'm going to be sure that I NEVER have to sit through another one. Actually, I didn't have to sit through the whole movie, since with the FF button, I finished this one in about twenty mintues.

Youtube used to have a video comparing the opening sequences between Dexter and Dexxxter (deleted due to youtube's nudity policy). The Dexxxter part included a monkey, which really gave you the best clue as to the making of the parody. After spending all of their creativity on the opening, the makers of Dexxxter obviously turned the rest of the job of making the actual movie over to the monkey, of course that's pretty much an insult to the monkey!

Dexxxter would normally rate an F, but since it had the great opening sequence, I going to grade this one D-

Dexxxter starring Lexi Belle, Nikki Rhodes, Kya Tropic, Lynx, McKenzie Sweets and directed by Landon Weinberg

BAD INFLUENCE

This is a great 30 minute movie, unfortunately the complete running time for the movie is around 90 minutes.

Bad Influence is a porn version of The Graduate, which begs the question, why wasn't the title more of a give away to this fact? Even the front cover of the box doesn't give you a clue, and the back cover just barely hints at what the movie is spoofing with the words: "Mrs Wilkenson are you trying to seduce me?"

Most of the first few scenes in Bad Influence ape The Graduate with Dick Smothers Jr. playing the Dustin Hoffman part. This includes the famous Mrs. Robinson scene with the camera looking through a bent leg. I say most, because the first sex scene with Randy Spears and his secretary has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Around the 30 minute mark Bad Influence seems to lose complete focus on spoofing the original, since at this point there are several plot/sex scenes that have nothing to do with The Graduate. One of these scenes includes an actor dressed as Elvis (for no rhyme or reason at this point in the movie, although he does make a well placed appearance in the final scene).

Bad Influence finally kicks back into spoofing the original plot of The Graduate with Dustin getting the girl he has waited years for....and at this point they drive off and stop and have sex on the hood of his car....WTF this is what he had waited years to do...have sex on the hood of his car. The movie concludes with a wedding scene, although Bad Influence twists the ending with Mrs Wilkenson (Ona Zee) trying to stop the wedding.

As I've stated in previous reviews, I'm a fan of Cash Markman, since his movies always contain well written dialogue, and that is no exception with Bad Influence. Add in the facts that a lot of the dialogue is humorous and the music in Bad Influence apes the original soundtrack of The Graduate and you get a porn that could have ranked right up with the best of them, IF the director(Cash Markman) had stuck to the basic premise of the original Graduate throughout the whole movie. However, as with most other Markman features that I have seen, Bad Influence starts strong, falls apart somewhere toward the middle and then ends strong. As it is, I'm giving this one a B, since the good parts are way above average.

Bad Influence starring Aurora Snow, Ava Vincent, Cindy Crawford, Ona Zee, Jessica Darlin, Frank Bukkwyd, Dick Smothers Jr, Mark Davis, Lee Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Kyle Stone, Brett Rockman, written and directed by Cash Markman

MISSIONARY POSITION IMPOSSIBLE

I'm a fan of Cash Markman movies, since they usually have a plot and a lot of comedic dialogue. However, I have often complained that the plots in Markman's movies start to fall apart about halfway through and don't usually get back on track until near the end of the movie. I am happy to report that Missionary Position Impossible does not suffer from what ails his other movies; this one has a coherent plot from start to finish, and of course, lots of great humorous dialogue.

In case you couldn't tell by the title of the movie, Missionary Position Impossible is a spoof of the TV show Mission Impossible. In this porn version, the mission is to stop Senator Blowhard (Mike Horner) who is determined to get rid of all pornography. (Good Luck with that Senator Blowhard!)

The movie starts with Yelps (Steve Austin) getting his mission statement in the back of a porno shop where a peep show is located. The tape recorded message won't self-destruct until the sex scene is over. Yelps masturbates while a couple of girls behind the glass have sex. When he climaxes on the window, the tape burns up and we're ready to move on to the mission.

In the next scene we are introduced to Senator Blowhard, who we find out is actually obsessed with sex (ooh, I think this was a message). During this scene Blowhard has sex in the back of his limo with his campaign manager, Angelica Sin.

Senator Rightly is running against Blowhard and the MPI group decide to have someone dress up like Rightly, film him having sex and give the tape to Blowhard. Since they know Blowhard will broadcast the tape, they will then be able to expose it as a fake and discredit Blowhard. This scene takes place in the front room of the porno shop and I was a little distracted looking at all of the old big box porno vhs tapes that were on the shelves. Where are all of those tapes today....wish I knew, since there were probably lots of classic plot driven old porn movies in the selection.

The next scene has MPI member Rich Handsome pretending to be a masseuse hired for Blowhard's campaign manager, Angelica Sin. While massaging her, she tells him that she knows twenty nine ways to have sex, which of course this being porno, she wants to demostrate. Little does she know that this is being broadcast over the radio to discredit her as Blowhard's campaign manager. Blowhard hears this and demands to be taken back to campaign headquarters.

At his headquarters, he gets into an elevator with Raquel Divine. Little does he know that she is another member of the MPI group. The elevator gets stuck and Blowhard succumbs to Raquel and they have sex in the elevator. I would like to make a note here, that there was a folding chair in the elevator. I know it was placed there for the sex scene, but it was just goofy to have an empty chair in an elevator. The movie ends with the elevator door opening and there is a group of photographers taking pictures, which will of course discredit Blowhard.

One of the best things about Missionary Position Impossible was that all of the sex scenes fit and flowed with the movie, with most of them advancing the plot. Unlike some of today's porn parody/spoofs where most of the sex scenes are inserted into the story just because it's time to have a sex scene.

My only minor complaints are that most of the sex scenes ran on a little bit too long and none of the sex scenes generated much heat between the performers, so I'm giving this one a B+

Missionary Position Impossible starring Angelica Sin, Dee, Kiki Daire, Raquel Devine, Venus Milan, Mike Horner, Rich Handsome, Rod Fontana, Steve Austin and directed by Cash Markman.

WKRP IN CINCINNATI: A XXX PARODY

The plot of WKRP: A XXX Parody is that the station finally came up with a good contest - giving away front row seats to a Supertramp concert. This big promotion will finally allow the station to make a profit. But as luck would have it, the tickets go missing and the station could be in big trouble.

My first clue that this wasn't going to be one the better sitcums is at the very first scene of the movie: Andy is getting ready to go to work and after a very short dialogue sequence with his girlfriend, the movie goes into its first 25 minute sex scene. This scene wasn't only unnecessary, since it had nothing to do with the movie, but appears to have been shot just to bore me from the outset. I must now give thanks to the FF button!

After the sex scene, Andy arrives at work and we get introduced to most of the WKRP regulars. There's some funny dialogue and it looks like maybe the movie will pick up some steam, but instead we get one of the worst actors in the movie, Tee Reel. Either Tee Reel has never seen WKRP and doesn't have any idea who Venus Flytrap is, or he just doesn't have any acting ability. Hard to decide what the case might be, but he is certainly b-a-d and not in a good way. Oh yeah, another 25 minute sex scene follows.

Next up we have some more humorous dialogue and Herb gets Jennifer to agree to go to lunch with him, somehow, this turns into having sex on Jennifer's desk. WTF, from agreeing to lunch to having sex. Either I missed something here, or this was just a sex scene jammed in with no rhyme nor reason. And yes, another 25 minute sex scene.

Finally, we get to an actor that "gets" his part, Evan Stone as Johnny Fever. I know some people don't like Evan, but he has impressed me time and again with his ability to actually act and understand the character he is playing. And at least the sex scene with Evan and the two ladies in the runoff for the Supertramp tickets generates some heat on screen. The scene is also 25 minutes, but I only had to use the FF button sparingly.

The final sex scene is Les and Bailey and the scene makes no logical sense. It appears that the writers couldn't really figure out why Bailey and Les would have sex, they just do, just like in the earlier scene in which Jennifer has sex with Herb. Neither of these scenes make any logical sense with the original characters' personalities. Hey writer(s)! I know this is just a goofy sitcum, but logical use of the characters would have been nice.

This is an 147 minute movie with 125 minutes of sex scenes, leaving 22 minutes of actual movie. I should point out that 22 minutes is approximately the time an original WKRP would have run on TV, taking out time for commercials. And those 22 minutes do contain a pretty good WKRP episode with the double entendres just a little bit more X rated than on the original show. I understand that the bonus disc (which I didn't have with my rental) contains a one hour "party version". If I had know that, I would have just rented the bonus disc. Oh well, live and learn!

WKRP In Cincinnati: A XXX Parody has some pretty funny lines and does have some entertainment value, but the sex scenes were just too long in between the dialogue parts of the movie to hold my interest (with the FF button, I finished the movie in about an hour). The actors were all adequate and for the most part appear that they were cast because they looked somewhat like the original actor, other than for their actual acting ability. With the exceptions being those that I have already pointed out above: Tee Reel as the worst actor and Evan Stone as the best actor of the bunch.

I guess if someone stumbled on this blog, they would be puzzled by the fact that I'm not happy with a porn movie with too much sex and too little story. But I see no reason why there can't be more balance in these new sitcums or for that matter in any modern porn feature. Some of the Golden Age Porn movies could achieve this balance, including sex scenes that would make logical sense in the movies and flow with the plot. I'm pretty sure today's writers/directors are just as smart as the 70s/80s writers/directors....but then again...I could be wrong.

I grade this one a C-

WKRP In Cincinnati: A XXX Parody starring Kagney Linn Karter, Faye Reagan, Ashlynn Brooke, Janet Mason, Ralph Long, Tee Reel, Andy San Dimas, Jackie Daniels, Holly Heart, Ryan McLane, Evan Stone, Scott Lyons, Rod Fontana and directed by Lee Roy Meyers.

NOT THREE'S COMPANY XXX

The plot: Jack loses his job as a chef, so Chrissy gets a night job to help out. Because of things overheard, the rest of the cast assume that Chrissy has become a prostitute. Just like a real Three's Company plot: Something is said...and that something is misconstrued as something else and hilarity ensues.

This is an excellent porn parody. There are several factors that all combine to make it stand out among some of the other recently released porn parodies.

I find two things to always be necessary for a good movie (porn or otherwise): Good casting and good writing and Not Three's Company has both.

The best bit of casting without a doubt is Penny Flame as Janet. With a wig, not only does she look the part but her acting will make you think she is the real Janet. Penny Flame even stays in character during her sex scene (listen to her dialog during her scene). Next best casting: Nina Hartley makes a great Mrs. Roper. Van Damage is not too bad as Jack and the same can be said for Brynn Tyler as Christie. And a special note for the outstanding non-sex role by James Bartholet as The Doctor.

An odd bit of casting is Ron Jeremy as the bartender at The Regal Beaver. This is a non-sex role and I see no particular reasoning for him being cast in this movie, except for the name recognition on the box.

An interesting tidbit about the casting: Tommy Gunn was forced to shave his mustache for the role of Larry. I say forced, since the word was that they would kill him off in the Pirates series if he didn't. So after going to all the trouble of having him shave his mustache, they give him one more super bad fake wig.

Besides the casting, the writing is so good that it made me think that it was just a long lost Three's Company script.

A few other factors add to Not Three's Company to make it such an excellent sitcum:

The sets are colorful and reminiscent of the real show.

The audience “oohs” and “aahs” and applause spots are included in the right spots and the laugh track is reminiscent of the real TV show.

The movie ends just like a Three's Co. would end: with a little break to a blackout where a commercial would normally be and returning with a bumper spot.

And to top everything off, the theme song to Not Three's Company sounds like the real theme song only with different lyrics (check it out below in the trailer)

Not Three's Company definitely grades an A.

Not Three's Company XXX starring Nina Hartley, Penny Flame, Jenny Hendrix, Roxy Jezel, Sienna West, Van Damage, Madison Scott, Allyssa Hall, Brynn Tyler, Eric Swiss, James Bartholet, Dino Bravo, Tommy Gunn, Ron Jeremy, Scott Lyons and directed by Will Ryder

THE MADDAMS FAMILY

Starring Ona Zee as Horticia. Charisma as Coustin Tit. Deidre Holland as Judith. Kim Angeli as Tuesday. Mike Horner as Cortez. Jon Dough as Crotch. Ron Jeremy as Uncle Pester and directed by Herschel Savage.

The Maddams Family had been profiting from wars, but peace is breaking out all over and the family is heading for bankruptcy. The Maddams Family don't want to have to go into the "real" world and interact with everyday people; so they come up with a plan to turn their mansion into a whorehouse.

Of course this leads to several sex scenes starting with Horticia and Cortez. On the TV series, Morticia and Gomez were always on the verge of having sex, so this scene just gives us what we didn't see on TV. Next, Tuesday gets a lesson from Cousin Tit to prepare her for the opening of the whorehouse . Then Uncle Pester poses as a client to see of Cousin Tit will be able to handle a regular customer and Cortez tests Tuesday to see if she will be capable of working in the whorehouse. The final sex scene has the one outsider, the building inspector played by Deidre Holland, and she and Horticia take on Crotch the Butler.

Remarkably all of the above sex scenes and the plot take place in 70 minutes. With today's current long sex scenes this movie would easily take two hours and maybe longer. The cast of The Maddams Family is great and they all stay within their characters throughout the movie. Ron Jeremy has a pretty bad bald wig, but he also has some of the best dialogue in the movie. Even Jon Dough, not one of my favorite porn stars, does a surprisingly good job as Crotch.

While this movie is not from the Golden Age of porn videos (it was made in the early 90s), it could easily have fit into that time period. I grade this one a solid B+.

NIGHT of THE GIVING HEAD

Global warming makes holes in the ozone layer, making men's sperm mutate and women who taste it become zombies craving more and if that woman kisses another woman, then she also becomes infected.

What do you get when a director that mostly shoots Gonzo movies tries to do a feature: A director who obviously doesn't understand features and should have stuck with Gonzo.

The movie looks like it was shot on a weekend by a bunch of people that all hung out in one house until their part in the movie came up. It was too brightly lit for a take on Night of the Living Dead, the plot line was weak, the jokes were stale, no one could act, it was poorly edited and on and on.

This movie just made me mad (hell, I'm getting pissed just writing this review)! Not only is Night of the Giving Head bad, but it wasted a great porn title.

My grade D-

Night of the Giving Head starring Nikki Rhodes, Amber Rayne, Veronica Rayne, Claire Dames, Samantha Sin, Kylee Reese, Rucca Page, Caroline Pierce, Rodney Moore and directed by Rodney Moore

THIS AIN'T STAR TREK

The plot is based on the original Star Trek episode "The Space Seed" . The Enterprise finds a drifting ship and Spock and Bones beam onto the ship to investigate. They find three living life forms and one dead life form. Bones takes one life form and leaves. Spock is left with the other life forms, one of which awakens and it happens to be Jenna Haze, a love/sex slave with only one purpose in life - to please men.

Kahn (Nick Manning) awakens back on the Enterprise and enlists the help of Aurora Snow in his plans to take over the Enterprise. Meanwhile, the third body from the drifting ship is beamed up and it is a Vulcan played by Sasha Grey, who has Ponn Farr (a Vulcan condition that induces the desire to mate). When Kirk (Evan Stone) points out that Ponn Farr only effects males, Sasha claims there is a strain that can effect females as well.

Kahn gets Aurora to help him unleash a virus in the sick bay to get Bones out of the way. The only cure for the virus is a great orgasm. Kahn wants Kirk to turn the ship over, telling him he has released this virus throughout the Enterprise. Thankfully, Uhura is on the deck and helps Kirk defeat the virus.

Kahn tries to leave the ship, but Scotty tricks him and he winds back up on the Enterprise and we get the classic Kirk yell "Kahn" and Kahn yells "Kirk". They leave it hanging here, my guess is for a sequel.

What I liked about the movie:

The deck of the Enterprise looked great and so did the Transporter set.

There was some attention to detail given to the costumes. For example, on each person's sleeves you can see the different number of rings denoting their rank.

The writing was really good, with a lot of humor.

Evan Stone made a great Kirk. His acting was spot on “Shatner Acting” and he even cut his hair for the role.

Jenna Haze did a great sex performance and stayed in character during her performance.

Sasha Grey as a Vulcan....of course...since she doesn't show much emotion anyway, this was a perfect role for her.

What I didn't like about the movie:

Except for the Jenna Haze sex scene, the rest of the sex scenes had no fire to them and just seemed to drone on and on (in other words, your standard sex scene, that I've seen time and time again). I understand that on the bonus disc, you can just watch the movie, which is 23 minutes long. So that means sex scenes take up about one and half hours.

Nick Manning made a great looking Kahn, but his acting is a little weak, especially since he had one of the major roles.

Scottie and Bones were hard to recognize, they didn't seem to have anything that let me know who they were, unless of course, Scottie spoke.

While Spock was ok, I think that someone like Tommy Gunn, could have been better in this role. Tony De Sergio was just sort of blah! His biggest thing seemed to be to hold his hand in the classic Star Trek "vee" during his sex scenes.

And a couple of odd things about the movie:

The male actors all received top billing for their parts instead of the normal female billing, with the males as “accessories”.

There was a WTF moment in one scene when all of a sudden Kahn fixes Aurora Snow’s hair.

I would grade This Ain’t Star Trek a solid B.


This Ain't Star Trek starring Jenna Haze, Aurora Snow, Sasha Grey, Jada Fire, Codi Carmichael, Anthony Rosano, Tony de Sergio, Jaymez Doohan, Ero Sennin, Evan Stone, Nick Manning, Cheyne Collins and directed by Axel Braun

THIS AIN'T GILLIGAN'S ISLAND

The movie starts with a porn film crew arriving on the island. Instead of the scene they were going to do, they spot Gilligan and use him secretly in their scene. Then they have a meeting with the island residents and agree that after they shoot their movie, they will take the castaways with them when they leave.

Instead of the movie the porn crew had planned to film, they decide to do hidden camera scenes with the island residents. This sets up all of the future scenes in This Ain't Gilligan's Island, with either the film crew having sex with an island resident or island residents having sex with each other. That's basically the whole plot.

Ok, I know that the plot of getting off the island was used over and over on the original series. But, I would say that there wasn't more than a page of dialogue written to join the sex scenes together in This Ain't Gilligan's Island; maybe if the writer double spaced, he might have had two pages. I would say that the sex scenes are way too long (a little longer than most current porno features) which left no time for plot, but if you have no plot to start with, I guess there is nothing left but to fill the two hours with sex.

This is absolutely the worst of the porn parodies that I have seen. If anyone watched this for their first porn parody, I don't think they would ever want to watch another one. Hell, it almost made be not want to watch another porn parody. The best thing that I can say about this movie is that the sets looked good, although there was one Tiki Head that seemed to move from one set to the next.

My original reaction after finishing the movie was to rate it a C minus. However, since seeing This Ain't Gilligan's Island, I have seen a couple of good porn parodies, and giving this movie a C minus would be an insult to the good ones, so I'm rating it a D plus.


This Ain't Gilligan's Island starring Darryl Hanah, Sindee Jennings, Ryder Skye, Regan Reese, Anthony Rosano, Jack Lawrence, Evan Stone, Rod Fontana and directed by Anton Slayer

Below is a trailer and sneak preview. The star rating is from youtube, NOT my rating.

THE HORNEYMOONERS

Released in 1988 and starring Shanna McCullough, Annie Sprinkle, Stephanie Rage, Randy Paul, Alexis Firestone, Carlos Valentino, and Ron Jeremy.







The skimpy plot: There's a new Latino neighbor and there's confusion about who is sleeping with him. This results in the rest of the characters having sex with someone out of willingness or out of revenge.

The writing: There was so little plot, that there really isn't much to say about the lines the actors deliver. Most of the better lines appear to be ad libs.

The set: The kitchen set is fairly true to the original Honeymooners set. The sex all takes place in an adjoining bedroom, which looks too modern to fit with the kitchen set. The sex scenes are lit much better than the kitchen scenes and I expect they were shot at a different time.

The acting: Randy Paul is excellent as the Norton character. Carlos Valentino does a good job as the Latin Lover. Ron Jeremy is passable as the Ralph character and Stephanie Rage and Alexis Firestone do a decent job as Trixie and Alice

The sex: Pretty standard, most scenes are shot in the same sequence of setups with several cream pie shots.

The weirdest part of the movie: Trixie has two scenes shot outside. These scenes are filler and definitely don't fit in with the rest of the movie.

Final Thought: The Horneymooners just didn't live up to my expectations. I was expecting a little more plot and a lot more humor. The only pluses are Randy Paul's portrayal of Norton and Stephanie Rage is a good “sex actress”. I would grade The Horneymooners a C minus.