YAHOO!!! HILLBILLY PORN

Being from The South, I'm used to how Hollywood productions sometimes portray us all as just a bunch of redneck hicks. And as a matter of fact, some of us are a bunch of redneck hicks! That's why it comes as no surprise when porn movies basically use the same cliches when making a movie set in Dixieland. Below is a trio of movies all using The South as a theme, all with varying degrees of success.


Carmen Goes South (CGS) is set in Texas, which if you ask anyone from The South, they'll be mighty glad to tell you that Texas AIN'T The South. For that matter, I'm pretty sure if you know anyone from Texas, they would tell you they're TEXANS, not SOUTHERNERS. Of course, if you're David Stanley from California, born in Minnesota, Texas probably seems like The South to you.


The humor in CGS was broad but written with a deft comic touch. CGS was lucky to also have the great comic XXX actor Steven St. Croix included in the cast, alongside Barrett Blade and David Stanley (non sex role, photo below) who both almost came up to St. Croix's level of wackiness. Carmen shines in her role as the titular character (I have yet to see a XXX feature in which she was anything but excellent). The other female performers: August, Ryder Skye, and Exotica all seemed to realize they were making a comedy and held their own with their male co-stars. As you know, this isn't always the case, since a lot of times a XXX movie will hinge on the males acting and the female performing.


A voice over by Randy Spears starts the movie letting us know that what we are seeing are tapes, ala Blair Witch Project, that were found after the whole crew disappeared. The movie then starts and we're shown that Carmen is such a diva that when she gets bored, she just orders her assistant Ryder Skye go down on her creating the first sex scene.


Carmen next meets the family of the winner of the "Win A Date With Carmen" contest, but not the winner himself. The family runs their own version of a backwoods sex industry and is helmed by David Stanley and includes August, Steven St. Croix, Barrett Blade and Exotica. There's also someone who looks like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre running around in the woods. We get a look at hillbilly phone sex (tin cans with string) which results in a sex scene between Exotica and Barrett Blade. It seems the family also has its own disco and we have a sex scene between Ryder Skye, Exotica, and Barrett Blade. This is a very annoying scene because of the disco lights constantly flashing into the camera. I won't give away the end of the movie, but there's a plot twist when Carmen finally meets the contest winner, Marcus London.


Carmen Goes South turned out to be on the level of one of Jonathan Morgan's comic XXX movies. And thankfully the sex scenes weren't the mind numbing long ones that I usually get to complain about. I'm no big fan of David Stanley; I can appreciate the fact that he does try to do something different when making XXX movies, but I have only seen one of his movies that I considered outstanding and it just happens to be Carmen Goes South. I grade this one A-


Next up is Hillbilly Honeys written and directed by Jace Rocker. I droned on for probably too long with the plot of Carmen Goes South, but I can actually sum up the plot to Hillbilly Honeys fairly succinctly: Two feuding families live on a mountain that is rich in uranium and the government needs to get both families to sign a lease, so they send Peter North, who is related to one of the families to get the job done. Hilarity ensues!.....and of course.....Sex ensues!

The humor and the acting in Hillbilly Honeys is the "over the top" cornball type, which is still funny, IF you're in the mood for it and I was. The accents are straight out of the "this is the way I think hicks talk" book, but that's WHEN the actors could remember that they were supposed to be doing an accent. Even the bad wigs and especially the beards are so stupid they're funny. Peter North was especially bad with his acting, I've seen him do much better, so I'm not sure what he was trying to covey with his flat line readings. The outstanding actor in the ensemble is Jonathan Morgan, who as we all know, went on to direct his own great comic XXX movies. Unfortunately, the sex scenes were all "by the numbers" with none generating much heat. Hillbilly Honeys didn't come anywhere close to matching Carmen Goes South, but it's still not a bad movie and I grade it C+


And last and certainly least: Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2. I have no idea why I rented this movie. I'm pretty sure I confused it with something else or maybe I was just having a brain cramp at the time. Anyway, Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2 was classified as a feature, but it should really be classified as a vignette, since there is just a bare minimum of a stupid plot that ties the scenes together. I rate this one a solid D

LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME

The first Michael Raven movie I ever saw was "The Visitors" and it was great, but then I watched two more Michael Raven movies: "Black Widow" and "Watchers" and neither one impressed me very much. Since Love For The First Time was directed and written by Michael Raven, I was a little bit skeptical about renting it; but, I thought I would take a chance, since it starred two of my favorite adult actors: Carmen Hart and Randy Spears. To my surprise I found that Love For The First Time (LFFT) was one of the better XXX features I have viewed in quite a while.

The movie is loosely based on The 40 Year Old Virgin. LFFT opens with Randy Spears waking up alone in his bed and riding his bike to work. We know Randy is a nerd because he has repaired his glasses with tape (ok that's a really a cliched short hand way to identify a nerd). At work, we meet Randy's co-workers: chronic masturbator Mr Marcus and "wigger" Barrett Blade. Randy's two co-workers "out" him as a virgin and decide they will do some charity work by getting Randy laid. We also get the feeling that even though Mr Marcus and Barrett talk a good game of sex, a lot of it is just talk and they may not be as experienced as they want everyone to think.


LFFT cuts to Carmen Hart who is alone in her bed having a sex dream. It was refreshing that the movie had opened with plot and comedy instead of rushing right into a sex scene. This first sex scene is shot with a hazy look and only runs around 12 minutes (which most of the sex scenes do). What a relief to have sex scenes that didn't run into mind-numbing length. I would like to mention, without getting too "Sex In The City" on you, that Carmen wears a pair of spiked heeled boots in this scene and, I swear, I saw these same boots or similar ones on other performers throughout the movie.


The boys take Randy to a bar where Barrett, still trying to do good deeds, finds that you can't buy a man a drink or he'll think you're gay. This also sets the stage for us seeing Carmen Hart at work as the bartender. Barrett returns to the table and barmaid Ryder Skye comes over for their order. Mr Marcus is gobsmacked by her and can't say a word....and we see the sexual fantasy he is having about her.


The guys take Randy to a strip club where his path crosses once again with Carmen. Lindsey Meadows, Carmen's roommate, has also taken Carmen to the strip club with her. It's amateur night and Lindsey is going to show Carmen how to loosen up in hopes of getting Carmen laid.....it seems Carmen is also a Virgin! It should be noted that Lindsey plays a very understated role as the best friend/roommate and she's so good that you might not even notice that fact.

After a sex scene in the movie where the boys buy Randy a VIP lap dance that turns into a bj, the guys head out for a party and of course Carmen and Lindsey are at the same party. To Barrett's surprise, Lindsey is actually agreeable to having sex with him. He's stunned but tells her he'll have to stop by his place first to get his hair products. A sex scene then follows.


At the party, Randy follows the guys advice: make the girl feel uncomfortable, then he will be able to feel comfortable in any situation. This isn't working on Carmen and whens she tells Randy that he's making her uncomfortable, he apologizes and becomes himself. This leads to the duo dating for six months and Carmen finally having to tell Randy that she's ready to have sex. Carmen asks Randy if he has any protection and he pulls out a LARGE handful of condoms. As she goes off to get ready, there's a funny bit where Randy experiments with the rubbers. Carmen returns and we have a 20 minute sex scene, but since this is what the movie has been building up to, it seems logical to let this scene run on a little longer.

LFFT had great writing from start to finish, the plot made logical sense and the sex scenes fit into the flow of the movie and, as mentioned previously, weren't mind numbingly long. All the actors were way more than good in their roles and Barrett Blade provided the movie with a lots of comic moments. There's even a cameo by Ron Jeremy in a non-sex role, and while unnecessary for the movie, I seem to never tire of seeing The Legend. The only very slight problem I had with the movie was some of the music used an organ (no pun intended) that sounded like Ray Manzarek of The Doors was let loose to jam (which would never be a good idea), but even with that minor quibble I'm still rating this one a solid A

Love For The First Time, written and directed by Michael Raven and starring Mr Marcus, Carmen Hart, Ryder Skye, Lindsey Meadows, TJ Cummings, Abbey Brooks, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade

NAKED ILLUSIONS

When I saw the great artwork on the front of this box and saw that Naked Illusions was directed by Randy Spears, written by Cash Markman, and starred Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Eric Masterson, I was sure this was going to be a great movie. Well, I was half right!

Brad Armstrong plays a magician who has written a bestseller exposing the secrets of magic. He is performing at a club with his assistants Devon Michaels and Carmen Hart. Eric Masterson is his agent and is having an affair with Brad's wife, Katie Morgan. While Brad is performing his act on stage, Katie and Eric have sex backstage and I have to say that this was the most uninspired sex scene I have ever seen Katie perform. During part of his disappearing act on stage, Brad sneaks backstage and kills Katie while Eric is in the shower. Although, I'm somewhat a fan of Katie's, I wasn't disappointed to find she wouldn't be in the rest of the movie, since not only her sex scene was bad but her acting was also leaving something to be desired. Brad thinks he has an ironclad alibi and he plans to pin the murder on Eric.

Devon Michaels, Brad's number one assistant, has been having an affair with Brad and once the duo arrive back at Brad's, they of course celebrate by having sex. Brad next goes to see Eric's wife, August Night, and hypnotizes her by having her look in a glass of wine. If that sounds stupid, then watch the movie, because it is STUPID. While he has her under his spell he convinces her that her husband, Eric, really did kill Katie. Brad decides to have sex with August and has her imagine someone from her past that she has always been hot for. We then get a sex scene between August and Seth Dickens.

Up to this point in Naked Illusions I was pretty disappointed in the movie. The plot was just so-so and Brad Armstrong, never the best actor in XXX to begin with, was really weak in his role. I think Brad was trying to appear super egotistical, which would have fit with his character; instead he came off as just overacting. Whatever the problem, he was really pulling the movie down. I kept thinking, why didn't Randy cast himself in this role, he would have been perfect for it.

I was determined to continue watching what I was starting to consider a really poor choice in my rental selection, when the movie turned itself around. What caused this sudden switch, I can only think it was the result of one person - Carmen Hart.

Brad sends his assistant Carmen off with Van Damage as some extra compensation for Van Damage signing Brad to a Vegas contract. Van Damage remarks that he doesn't know how this happened and thinks Brad may have hypnotized him. Since Carmen tells Van Damage that Brad always gets what he wants, we have to assume he's been hypnotizing lots of people. This probably also includes us viewers, since the magic tricks Brad performs are juvenile level tricks that really aren't very convincing for the great magician he's supposed to be. Carmen brings some heat to her sex scene, which is good, since all the previous ones in Naked Illusions had just been your standard "by the numbers" scenes.

Carmen's up again in the next scene as she confronts Brad and tells him that she knows how he killed his wife. We then see a flashback explaining how he did it. She promises not to turn him in IF she can go back to being his number one assistant, get a raise, and they can be "bad" together. HEY! It looks like she's pretty easy to please! So Brad goes along with her. This results in another sex scene which is almost, but not quite as good as Carmen's other scene.

Brad decides to double cross Carmen and he's going to kill her onstage during a "sword through the box trick", but the detective who has been on the case from the start and has always doubted Brad, catches on in the nick of time and arrests him. In a funny moment (probably the only "intentionally" humorous moment in the film), Carmen is inside the box yelling "I'll tell everything" and "let me out". No one lets her out and the last we see of her are her eyes peeking out a slit in the box and she's still yelling over and over for somebody to please get her out.

Brad is in jail, but the very end of the movie leaves some doubt in the viewers mind that he may escape the clutches of the law, OR they were setting up for a sequel, which thank goodness never occurred.

Carmen Hart brought a "double whammy" of being a good actress in her role and a good performer in her sex scenes, both together really helped save this movie from turning into a real clunker. I have yet to see any movie where she has not been excellent in both her acting and performing, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that that trend continues.

Naked Illusions was touted as being Randy Spears first direction job for Wicked and was made a year before his excellent Off The Air. I will give Randy credit for having huge chunks of plot between the sex scenes, a nice touch. Plus, the sex scenes while long, for the most part, weren't mind numbingly long, another nice touch. In my opinion, this was the worst scripted Cash Markman movie I've ever seen. The main reason for this, I believe, is that Cash is better at writing comedy than he is at writing drama. As they say in The Big Lebowski (the real one, not that travesty of a porn parody) - " You're Out of Your Element, Donnie (Cash)"

Rating: first half: D ..... Second half: B ..... Average: C

Naked Illusions starring Van Damage, Devon Michaels, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Seth Dickens, August Night, Eric Masterson, Brad Armstrong and directed by Randy Spears

RENDEZVOUS

I haven't had much luck with David Stanley movies. While nothing has been bad, I've only seen one (Carmen Goes South) that I felt was anything more than average. Rendezvous is no exception, but it does have some of the better adult actors involved in the production: Carmen Hart, Randy Spears, and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous begins with Randy Spears going on a business trip and we find that he is married to Jamie Huxley, who cares nothing for Randy. When Randy arrives at his hotel (which appears to be in some Third World Country), he is greeted by Eric Masterson, an insane desk clerk. Eric Masterson shows us he can get his crazy on with the best of them (i.e. Steven St. Croix). At first Eric tells Randy that he doesn't have a room for him, but eventually agrees to give him a room.

Randy can't get his wife on the phone and we see that she is busy having sex with Barrett Blade. Randy falls asleep and dreams that a lovely woman is rubbing her feet and legs all over him. Much to his surprise, when he awakes he finds Carmen Hart is in his bed. It seems that this is her room and she freaks out finding Randy in her bed and kicks him out.

Randy tries to deal with the insane desk clerk again but only gets sent back to share the room with Carmen, who for some reason, now doesn't object. On his return to the room, Randy finds Carmen is watching a porno on the TV and he watches along with her. This is a porn plot that I always consider a cheating way of inserting another sex scene in the movie without using any plot and I have seen David Stanley use this in some of his other movies.

The plot of Rendezvous really started to bog down to me at this point, since it turned mainly into a succession of sex scenes: The next morning when Randy awakes he finds Carmen having sex with the maid, when they move to the bed, Randy leaves for the dining room; in the dining room Randy sees another couple getting hot and heavy with each other and he leaves (only in pornos do people have sex in a dining room occupied by other people......unless I've just been going to the wrong restaurants); then after that sex scene finishes, next up is a sex scene between Carmen and Eric Masterson.

Rendezvous finally gets back on track and turns itself into a romance between Carmen and Randy. The movie has a little bit of a twist ending, which I won't reveal here. I did enjoy the movie, but a lot of that had to do with having three strong XXX actors who were able to carry a humorous but weak and flimsy plot. I grade this one a C

Rendezvous starring Mika Tan, Talon, Carmen Hart, Joanna Angel, Stephanie Tripp, Jamie Huxley, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Chris Cannon, Barrett Blade and directed by David Stanley

FIRED

Lately my rental company has been sending me items from my rental line-up that I don't even remember putting on my list. When I received Fired in the mail, I saw that it was directed by Jonathan Morgan (one of the more reliable porn directors) and it starred Carmen Hart (who did a great comedic turn in Carmen Goes South) and I assumed this combination had led me to putting Fired on my list. As added bonuses, Fired also featured Katie Morgan and Stephen St. Croix. The combination of Jonathan Morgan, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Stephen St. Croix let me have high hopes for Fired, and for once I wasn't disappointed.

The movie starts with Carmen coming home from the fair with T.J. Cummings, who she has just met that day and of course this leads to the first sex scene. T.J. turns off Carmen's alarm clock the next morning; this causes Carmen to oversleep and lose her job and we find out she is an expert at losing jobs.

Carmen's two best friends, Katie Morgan (who's got the dumb blond thing down pat) and Nikki Rhodes are going to help Carmen decide on a career. First, Katie tells her about being a secretary and this leads to a sex scene between Katie and Evan Stone. Carmen gets a secretarial job and on her first day she needs to copy and collate some items. I won't go into too much detail about this scene, since I don't won't to spoil anyone's fun when they see Fired. I will say that the copy room scene is the funniest scene I have ever seen in a porno. I mean, fall out of your chair funny.

Since secretary didn't work out, Nikki tells Carmen about being a nurse for Steven St. Croix, of course this leads to a sex scene. However, when Carmen tries to be a nurse for Kyle Stone, the results are completely different and we know nursing isn't going to work for Carmen either.

Carmen then learns about Alex Sanders and how he tests men's fragrances. This leads to a sex scene where the fragrance is so powerful that Alex gets attacked by Holly Wellin and Renae Cruz. Carmen decides to try her luck as a fragrance tester, of course the results are disastrous. When you see the results, you also realize that Carmen isn't very vain and will go the distance for a laugh.

Carmen's last disaster job in Fired has her landing a part on a soap opera, this leads to a sex scene with Voodoo. Of course Carmen also gets fired from this job, but some of her goofs from the soap opera make the internet and she's such a hit that she gets her own reality show. Fired was released in February 2008, Carmen Goes South, in which Carmen plays the star of a reality show was released in March 2008. Even though the two movies don't have anything to do with each other (in Goes South, Carmen is a completely different character), in the world of porno in my head, they fit neatly together.

This is the third or fourth Carmen Hart movie that I have seen over the last few months and she has been great in all of them, I am quickly becoming a big fan. It was refreshing to see a porn comedy that wasn't a parody of a TV show (although, as readers of this blog know, I like a good sitcum), and while Fired isn't perfect, it's close enough for me to give it an A.

Fired starring Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Nikki Rhodes, Renae Cruz, TJ Cummings, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Alex Sanders, Voodoo, Steven St Croix, Holly Wellin and directed by Jonathan Morgan.