NAKED ILLUSIONS

When I saw the great artwork on the front of this box and saw that Naked Illusions was directed by Randy Spears, written by Cash Markman, and starred Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, and Eric Masterson, I was sure this was going to be a great movie. Well, I was half right!

Brad Armstrong plays a magician who has written a bestseller exposing the secrets of magic. He is performing at a club with his assistants Devon Michaels and Carmen Hart. Eric Masterson is his agent and is having an affair with Brad's wife, Katie Morgan. While Brad is performing his act on stage, Katie and Eric have sex backstage and I have to say that this was the most uninspired sex scene I have ever seen Katie perform. During part of his disappearing act on stage, Brad sneaks backstage and kills Katie while Eric is in the shower. Although, I'm somewhat a fan of Katie's, I wasn't disappointed to find she wouldn't be in the rest of the movie, since not only her sex scene was bad but her acting was also leaving something to be desired. Brad thinks he has an ironclad alibi and he plans to pin the murder on Eric.

Devon Michaels, Brad's number one assistant, has been having an affair with Brad and once the duo arrive back at Brad's, they of course celebrate by having sex. Brad next goes to see Eric's wife, August Night, and hypnotizes her by having her look in a glass of wine. If that sounds stupid, then watch the movie, because it is STUPID. While he has her under his spell he convinces her that her husband, Eric, really did kill Katie. Brad decides to have sex with August and has her imagine someone from her past that she has always been hot for. We then get a sex scene between August and Seth Dickens.

Up to this point in Naked Illusions I was pretty disappointed in the movie. The plot was just so-so and Brad Armstrong, never the best actor in XXX to begin with, was really weak in his role. I think Brad was trying to appear super egotistical, which would have fit with his character; instead he came off as just overacting. Whatever the problem, he was really pulling the movie down. I kept thinking, why didn't Randy cast himself in this role, he would have been perfect for it.

I was determined to continue watching what I was starting to consider a really poor choice in my rental selection, when the movie turned itself around. What caused this sudden switch, I can only think it was the result of one person - Carmen Hart.

Brad sends his assistant Carmen off with Van Damage as some extra compensation for Van Damage signing Brad to a Vegas contract. Van Damage remarks that he doesn't know how this happened and thinks Brad may have hypnotized him. Since Carmen tells Van Damage that Brad always gets what he wants, we have to assume he's been hypnotizing lots of people. This probably also includes us viewers, since the magic tricks Brad performs are juvenile level tricks that really aren't very convincing for the great magician he's supposed to be. Carmen brings some heat to her sex scene, which is good, since all the previous ones in Naked Illusions had just been your standard "by the numbers" scenes.

Carmen's up again in the next scene as she confronts Brad and tells him that she knows how he killed his wife. We then see a flashback explaining how he did it. She promises not to turn him in IF she can go back to being his number one assistant, get a raise, and they can be "bad" together. HEY! It looks like she's pretty easy to please! So Brad goes along with her. This results in another sex scene which is almost, but not quite as good as Carmen's other scene.

Brad decides to double cross Carmen and he's going to kill her onstage during a "sword through the box trick", but the detective who has been on the case from the start and has always doubted Brad, catches on in the nick of time and arrests him. In a funny moment (probably the only "intentionally" humorous moment in the film), Carmen is inside the box yelling "I'll tell everything" and "let me out". No one lets her out and the last we see of her are her eyes peeking out a slit in the box and she's still yelling over and over for somebody to please get her out.

Brad is in jail, but the very end of the movie leaves some doubt in the viewers mind that he may escape the clutches of the law, OR they were setting up for a sequel, which thank goodness never occurred.

Carmen Hart brought a "double whammy" of being a good actress in her role and a good performer in her sex scenes, both together really helped save this movie from turning into a real clunker. I have yet to see any movie where she has not been excellent in both her acting and performing, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that that trend continues.

Naked Illusions was touted as being Randy Spears first direction job for Wicked and was made a year before his excellent Off The Air. I will give Randy credit for having huge chunks of plot between the sex scenes, a nice touch. Plus, the sex scenes while long, for the most part, weren't mind numbingly long, another nice touch. In my opinion, this was the worst scripted Cash Markman movie I've ever seen. The main reason for this, I believe, is that Cash is better at writing comedy than he is at writing drama. As they say in The Big Lebowski (the real one, not that travesty of a porn parody) - " You're Out of Your Element, Donnie (Cash)"

Rating: first half: D ..... Second half: B ..... Average: C

Naked Illusions starring Van Damage, Devon Michaels, Carmen Hart, Katie Morgan, Seth Dickens, August Night, Eric Masterson, Brad Armstrong and directed by Randy Spears

SHAGNET

This movie was made in 2001 before the current new wave of parodies and Shagnet illustrates the right way to make a XXX spoof/parody unlike some of the newer stabs at this genre. While doing some research on Shagnet, I found some evidence that Joe Thursday was also a character in "Pleasureville" and that Thursday and Blannon were also in "Desperately Seeking Shay". Unfortunately, I have not seen either of those two movies and cannot confirm those facts. However, both of those movies were also directed and written by Cash Markman, so it appears those facts are probably correct.

Shagnet begins just like Dragnet with a voice over by Joe and a view of the Los Angeles City Hall. It's 1970 and inside City Hall we find Joe Thursday (Steve Austin) and Officer Blannon (Anthony Crane) as they are being given their assignment to crack down on the porn films being made in the San Fernando Valley. It seems that in the past year, 12 porn movies have been made. Joe and Blannon's Captain tells them if this doesn't stop, by 2001 they could be making up to 50 porn movies a year.

Joe and Blannon are sent to investigate a complaint that has been made by Ward and June Bluepecker (Mike Horner and Elizabeth X). They have been hearing peculiar noises coming from next door. The gag in the movie is that Mike and Elizabeth are watching Shagnet on TV. They can see the cops arriving at their house and walking up to their door. Joe and Blannon investigate next door and find Cash Markman shooting a porn. Since the Bluepecker's are still watching Shagnet on their TV, they can see the porn scene that is being shot and we get two sex scenes here, one of the porn shoot and one with Ward and June, who have gotten hot from watching the action on their TV.

The pornography laws are weak and Joe and Blannon don't see any way they can arrest anyone for anything. Later, they decide to return to the house where the porn movie is being shot, but are denied entry without a warrant. They sneak around back and peek over the fence to watch another porn shoot happening outside. This scene is between a war protester (Evan Stone) and the Governor's wife (Jewel De'Nyle). Give Evan credit, since during the sex scene he tries to stay in character saying something that would fit with the scene; however, it's obvious from the odd reaction that Jewel gives him that she doesn't have a clue what he's talking about. Joe and Blannon still don't see anything that occurs during this scene that they think they can arrest anyone for, so they decide to try another tactic.

Joe and Blannon go undercover and dress as a couple of women and arrive at the porn set. At the set, they are sent to make-up and advised to apply it heavily. Joe gets a sex scene here dressed as a woman and we have to assume that his partner (Angelica Sin) just thinks he's a she/male. The funny touch comes at the end of this scene where a new performer named Ron Jeremy (remember this is suppose to be 1970) is told he needs to do a dirty hard anal scene. Ron mistakenly thinks they mean Joe, who is still dressed as a woman and Joe gets nailed from behind by Ron.

Back at the station Joe and Blannon have brought in Sunshine Love (Kate Frost) for questioning. Joe has to leave the room and rush to the bathroom, since after his anal probe from Ron he's been having a lot of trouble with his rear end. While he's gone Blannon has a sex scene with Kate, but Joe returns and breaks up the sex (no pop shot here), still Blannon states that having sex with the hippie was "groovy".

The cops finally get a stronger law and are able to bust the pornographers. Shagnet ends just like TV's Dragnet, showing what the porn people were convicted of and their sentences. Then the arm bangs "Mark Cashman" into the screen instead of "Mark VII"

Shagnet had a logical plot from start to finish, the sex scenes flowed with the story and there were a lot of really funny lines. Steve Austin and Anthony Crane understood their parts and did a great job as Joe and Blannon. They had the clipped talk, nodding at each others dialogue, and the stick up the butt walk down perfect. Shagnet also went the extra mile by placing some older cars on the street in order to make you believe it was 1970. The weakest part of Shagnet was the sex scenes, but I'm still grading this one an A-

Shagnet starring Angelica Sin, Bridgette Kerkove, Cash Markman, Elizabeth X, Jewel De'Nyle, Kate Frost, Alec Metro, Anthony Crane, Evan Stone, Frank Buckwyd, Mike Horner, Steve Austin, Ted Hunter, Ron Jeremy and directed/written by Cash Markman

LOVE IS BLUE

The inside story is that Randy Spears once made a comment to director/writer Cash Markman about how he sometimes gets "outed" as a porn star by someone in public, before he has had a chance to tell his date what he does for a living. Cash Markman thought that sounded like a good idea for a movie. The result is this movie: Love Is Blue, a mockumentary about the life of Randy Spears starring Randy Spears.

The viewer gets an inside look at the shooting of a porn movie as Love Is Blue begins, with Randy on the set of a porn movie with Eva Angelina. We see the crew walking about doing technical work and hear the director giving instructions to the performer.

The next scene has Randy back at home watching himself in "Sex Trek". He overhears Tommy Gunn and Candy Manson having sex in the next apartment. A frustrated Randy wanting to have a "normal" girlfriend like his neighbor, decides to check his little black book and calls up an old girlfriend (Shy Love). Unfortunately, while they're in a restaurant, Randy gets "outed" by a fan. When Shy finds out he's a porn star, she dumps food on him and walks out of the restaurant.

Randy's back home alone once again. This time he's watching another one of his movies (I think it was "Play With Fire"). Shy calls him up and makes him listen to her having what she refers to as "real sex" with Reno D'Angelo. Why didn't Randy just hang up, you might ask....because they needed to get another sex scene inserted into the movie.

Randy has gotten desperate and signs up for Speed Dating and there's several comedic turns with the women he is meeting and he once again gets "outed". Fortunately for him, he meets Katie Morgan who wasn't a witness to the "outing". They hit it off and go back to her place and have sex. While Randy is in the shower, Katie finds a copy of Adult Video News in Randy's backpack that features Randy. Katie gets mad and winds up beating Randy in the shower with the rolled up magazine.

Back to the porno set where Randy gets advice from Evan Stone, who tells him that he should only date within the "business". Randy meets Rita Faltoyano on the set and they make a connection; but poor Randy, now he has to watch Rita have sex with Evan on the set. Randy and Rita do hit it off and it looks like he has finally found the love he has been looking for....but then.....???

In the past I've noted that I'm a big fan of Cash Markman and have complained that a lot of his features start strong, fall apart in the middle and finish strong. Love Is Blue maintained its plot momentum from start to finish, even though it came close to sagging with the Shy/Reno scene (which by the way was near the middle of the movie).

One of the pluses of Love Is Blue is that since the movie is fairly short (95 minutes) and it includes 5 sex scenes, the sex scenes don't tend to run into mind numbing length. Coupled with the fact that Love Is Blue is a very funny, well acted movie with a great plot, I give this one and A-

LOVE IS BLUE Starring Eva Angelina, Shy Love, Kelli Tyler, Rita Faltoyano, Katie Morgan, Candy Manson, Reno, Evan Stone, Tommy Gunn, Randy Spears and directed by Cash Markman

BAD INFLUENCE

This is a great 30 minute movie, unfortunately the complete running time for the movie is around 90 minutes.

Bad Influence is a porn version of The Graduate, which begs the question, why wasn't the title more of a give away to this fact? Even the front cover of the box doesn't give you a clue, and the back cover just barely hints at what the movie is spoofing with the words: "Mrs Wilkenson are you trying to seduce me?"

Most of the first few scenes in Bad Influence ape The Graduate with Dick Smothers Jr. playing the Dustin Hoffman part. This includes the famous Mrs. Robinson scene with the camera looking through a bent leg. I say most, because the first sex scene with Randy Spears and his secretary has nothing to do with the rest of the movie.

Around the 30 minute mark Bad Influence seems to lose complete focus on spoofing the original, since at this point there are several plot/sex scenes that have nothing to do with The Graduate. One of these scenes includes an actor dressed as Elvis (for no rhyme or reason at this point in the movie, although he does make a well placed appearance in the final scene).

Bad Influence finally kicks back into spoofing the original plot of The Graduate with Dustin getting the girl he has waited years for....and at this point they drive off and stop and have sex on the hood of his car....WTF this is what he had waited years to do...have sex on the hood of his car. The movie concludes with a wedding scene, although Bad Influence twists the ending with Mrs Wilkenson (Ona Zee) trying to stop the wedding.

As I've stated in previous reviews, I'm a fan of Cash Markman, since his movies always contain well written dialogue, and that is no exception with Bad Influence. Add in the facts that a lot of the dialogue is humorous and the music in Bad Influence apes the original soundtrack of The Graduate and you get a porn that could have ranked right up with the best of them, IF the director(Cash Markman) had stuck to the basic premise of the original Graduate throughout the whole movie. However, as with most other Markman features that I have seen, Bad Influence starts strong, falls apart somewhere toward the middle and then ends strong. As it is, I'm giving this one a B, since the good parts are way above average.

Bad Influence starring Aurora Snow, Ava Vincent, Cindy Crawford, Ona Zee, Jessica Darlin, Frank Bukkwyd, Dick Smothers Jr, Mark Davis, Lee Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Kyle Stone, Brett Rockman, written and directed by Cash Markman

THROBIN HOOD - Porn Spoof of Robin Hood

Throbin Hood and his band of Merry Men in tights rebel against the evil Queen and Sheriff Naughty Ham's efforts to collect tax on sex.


Directed by Cash Markman and Starring Alicia Allure, Angelica Sin, Ron Jeremy, Steve Austin, Anna Malle, Nakita Kash, Teri Starr, Alect Metro, Joel Lawrence, Randy Spears

I have noticed that if Cash Markham writes and someone else directs, his storyline often starts to vanish about 3/4 of the way into the movie(a problem a lot of porn movies seem to have). But since Cash Markham wrote and directed this one, you get a good many laughs and a coherent story. I won't give it away, but the archery contest is like nothing you've seen before. A special nod to Ron Jeremy and his great comedic porno acting. Really the only drawback to Throbin Hood is too many fake boobs.

Double Dose of Get Smart Porn Spoofs

Hustler has released 2 different porn spoofs of Get Smart, one is extremely good, the other is extremely bad.

First the good spoof: Get Luckier, directed and written by Cash Markman and starring Dick Smothers, Jr., Katie Morgan, Lee Stone, Shy Love, Cindy Crawford, Tommy Gunn, Bree, Tony Tedeschi.

Dick Smothers, Jr. plays Agent 86 1/2 and does a fine acting job as Maxwell Sharp. Katie Morgan plays Agent 36-26-36, who is actually an undercover agent for S.C.U.M, and as always she does a great job. The plot and the humor pretty much follow what Get Smart would have been like if it was a porn movie. I will give most of the credit to Cash Markham who knows how to write and direct a comedic porn. This is one of the better spoofs of sitcoms that I have seen, funny throughout and with a complete plot. And in my opinion,even with her boob job, Katie Morgan is still the cutest thing in porn. A special nod to Dick Smothers, Jr.(who looks more like Steve Carell playing Don Adams), his acting is top notch throughout the whole movie.

Next the bad spoof: Get Smartass directed by Stuart Canterbury and starring Britney Amber, Dino Bravo, Eden Adams, Envi, Eric Swiss, Kayla Paige, Rod Fontana, Tony de Sergio, Veronica Jett, Veronica Rayne.

With the world threatened by the evil organization known as P.E.N.I.S., Maxwell Smartass and Agent 69 are ready to save the day. This is probably the worst porn sitcom spoof that I have ever seen. The plot is skimpy and the attempts at humor never jell. The funniest part of the movie is the g/g scene in which the two females spend 6-8 minutes striking poses for the camera. So ludicrous, I was laughing out loud. I am going to give you the only funny line in the movie to save anyone from a wasted rental/purchase. Maxwell misses his insertion and states "Missed It By That Much". Avoid this one, if at all possible.

GREAT STAR TREK SPOOF

XXX TREK: THE FINAL ORGASM, Director Cash Markman , Starring Angelica Sin, Farrah, Obsession, Candy Apples, Steve Austin, Capt. Bob, Ron Bogel, Rich Handsome, Mike Horner, Rex Mundi, Harry Palms, Danielle Rogers, Randy Spears

While this movie is not up there with the best of the spoof pornos, it's still a lot of fun. Cheesy Sets just like on Star Trek, Cheesy Acting just like on Star Trek and an added bonus Cheesy Jokes. A young looking Randy Spears and Bob Horner were cast perfectly. So if you like a little laughing with your porno, this one's for you. If you don't have much of a sense of humor, best to pass this one on by.