NOT REALLY The DUKES of HAZZARD

When making these XXX parodies, there are a couple of things that help make the movie good or bad: the performers should have some resemblance to the actors they are portraying and the sets should look authentic. Unfortunately, Not Really Dukes of Hazzard (DOH) fails in both aspects.

The first scene has Bo (Bill Bailey, whose wig I think must have been attached to his hat) luring Alexis Texas' father (James Bartholet) away from the house so Luke can have sex with her. With his dark wig, Anthony Rosano playing Luke looks like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live, a turn-off in itself. This results in a 25 minute sex scene opening the movie, which in my opinion, is never a good idea with these XXX parodies. Even though Alexis keeps the scene interesting and actually remembers one time to stay in character and call Anthony "Luke". I'd already lost a lot of interest in the movie at this point. After they both get dressed, we hear the horn sound from the General Lee and Luke dashes out and hops in the car with Bo and we FINALLY arrive at the title sequence with James Bartholet doing the voice over as Waylon Jennings did in the original version. Bartholet is usually pretty reliable as a non sex actor, but he makes no effort to convince us that we are hearing Jennings voice. Hell, they probably could have gotten Shooter to do it if they had asked, since he's something of a wild child anyway.

The title includes a mild chase scene, which is looped to make it appear longer than it really was. At least we get to see one character that actually looked their part - The General Lee! I should note here that both Bill Bailey and Anthony Rosano have trouble during the movie either getting in or out of the welded shut doors of The General Lee, further taking away from any credence that you are watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Either a little practice OR the director doing re-shoots OR some closer editing could have easily solved this problem. But, when you're just cranking one of these parodies out (no pun intended), details seem to fall by the wayside.

Following the titles we get dialogue and a scene that are out of order: Enos (Dane Cross) reports that he has pulled over a woman driver, then we switch to the scene where NOW Enos is pulling over the driver (once again, sloppy film making or editing). Of course it's Daisy Duke (Ryder Skye), who actually sort of looks like Cathrine Bach - in the long shots - IF YOU SQUINT!! Needless to say, we're in for another 25 minute sex scene. Since there were lots of bad wigs in DOH, I can't point out anyone who got the worst one; however, Dane Cross was certainly given the worst costume, everything from his hat, to his badge, to his gun looked cheap and wrong, even his clothes didn't fit. As an added bonus, the combination of Dane Cross and Ryder Skye managed to produce one of the dullest sex scenes I have seen in a long time.

Daisy gets fired because having sex with Enos (to prevent a ticket) made her late for work again. But luckily! she can now enter the wet t-shirt contest Boss Hogg is putting on. Of course, since this is Boss Hogg, he has rigged the contest and has fixed it for Monique Alexander to win. We then cut to a sex scene already in progress between Monique and Cooter (Mark Wood, who looks like he chould be a brother of Dave and Phil Alvin from The Blasters). I haven't seen Monique in a while, but it appears she has been getting a lot of nice colorful tattoos since I last caught up with her. It was pretty obvious that the director, Anton Slayer, found Mark Wood lacking in the looks department, since his head rarely appears in the sex scene (that's the head on his shoulders I'm talking about). While Monique knows how to have a sex scene and has a great natural body, I still had to fast forward through another LONG scene.

I'm gonna sum up the rest of the movie, since even writing about DOH is boring me. Bo picks up Shawna Lenee, who has come into town for the contest...sex scene. Uncle Jesse gets arrested for making moonshine (with a milk can and a few pieces of pipe.....my award for worse moonshine still EVER!). Daisy has to distract Monique's father so Monique can be in the contest...sex scene...Daisy wins..Shawna is Cooter's wife...Uncle Jesse is freed from jail with funds Daisy won from the wet t-shirt contest.

There wasn't one actor in this movie that looked their part....Uncle Jesse (Carl Fredrick Coughlan) must have been cast because he had a gray beard and maybe he owned his own overalls! Rosco (Ray Marlay) looked too old for the part AND if they hadn't called him Roscoe, I don't think I would even have known who he was portraying. Boss Hogg (Allen Moffat) had a white suit and was fairly large, but couldn't act to save his life. The sets: It appears that several of the scenes took place at the same cabin, just different rooms or different locations on the outside of the cabin. The outdoor scenes could have been filmed anywhere and I suspect that some were in the cabin's driveway. Boss' place was super cheap looking (a stage and some folding chairs) and even Cooter's garage appeared to be just a large carport!

This was Vouyer Media's first foray into the world of porn spoofs. I was hoping that it would be their last, BUT, I see they have already done a parody of Taxi with Anton Slayer helming that project also. I had seen two Anton Slayer movies previously: This Ain't The Munsters (excellent) and This Ain't Gilligan's Island (terrible) giving him a 50 per cent batting average with me. Since I'm rating this one a D, Anton now rates 33 1/3 percent with me. I'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to his Taxi parody. I guess you say, "Mr. X-Ray, why not just don't watch it"......because I'M WEAK WILLED or WEAK MINDED, take your pick, when it comes to these porn parodies; I just can't help myself!!!

Not Really The Dukes of Hazzard starring Alexis Texas, Anthony Rosano, Monique Alexander, Shawna Lenee, Dane Cross, Ryder Skye, Mark Wood and directed by Anton Slayer

YAHOO!!! HILLBILLY PORN

Being from The South, I'm used to how Hollywood productions sometimes portray us all as just a bunch of redneck hicks. And as a matter of fact, some of us are a bunch of redneck hicks! That's why it comes as no surprise when porn movies basically use the same cliches when making a movie set in Dixieland. Below is a trio of movies all using The South as a theme, all with varying degrees of success.


Carmen Goes South (CGS) is set in Texas, which if you ask anyone from The South, they'll be mighty glad to tell you that Texas AIN'T The South. For that matter, I'm pretty sure if you know anyone from Texas, they would tell you they're TEXANS, not SOUTHERNERS. Of course, if you're David Stanley from California, born in Minnesota, Texas probably seems like The South to you.


The humor in CGS was broad but written with a deft comic touch. CGS was lucky to also have the great comic XXX actor Steven St. Croix included in the cast, alongside Barrett Blade and David Stanley (non sex role, photo below) who both almost came up to St. Croix's level of wackiness. Carmen shines in her role as the titular character (I have yet to see a XXX feature in which she was anything but excellent). The other female performers: August, Ryder Skye, and Exotica all seemed to realize they were making a comedy and held their own with their male co-stars. As you know, this isn't always the case, since a lot of times a XXX movie will hinge on the males acting and the female performing.


A voice over by Randy Spears starts the movie letting us know that what we are seeing are tapes, ala Blair Witch Project, that were found after the whole crew disappeared. The movie then starts and we're shown that Carmen is such a diva that when she gets bored, she just orders her assistant Ryder Skye go down on her creating the first sex scene.


Carmen next meets the family of the winner of the "Win A Date With Carmen" contest, but not the winner himself. The family runs their own version of a backwoods sex industry and is helmed by David Stanley and includes August, Steven St. Croix, Barrett Blade and Exotica. There's also someone who looks like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre running around in the woods. We get a look at hillbilly phone sex (tin cans with string) which results in a sex scene between Exotica and Barrett Blade. It seems the family also has its own disco and we have a sex scene between Ryder Skye, Exotica, and Barrett Blade. This is a very annoying scene because of the disco lights constantly flashing into the camera. I won't give away the end of the movie, but there's a plot twist when Carmen finally meets the contest winner, Marcus London.


Carmen Goes South turned out to be on the level of one of Jonathan Morgan's comic XXX movies. And thankfully the sex scenes weren't the mind numbing long ones that I usually get to complain about. I'm no big fan of David Stanley; I can appreciate the fact that he does try to do something different when making XXX movies, but I have only seen one of his movies that I considered outstanding and it just happens to be Carmen Goes South. I grade this one A-


Next up is Hillbilly Honeys written and directed by Jace Rocker. I droned on for probably too long with the plot of Carmen Goes South, but I can actually sum up the plot to Hillbilly Honeys fairly succinctly: Two feuding families live on a mountain that is rich in uranium and the government needs to get both families to sign a lease, so they send Peter North, who is related to one of the families to get the job done. Hilarity ensues!.....and of course.....Sex ensues!

The humor and the acting in Hillbilly Honeys is the "over the top" cornball type, which is still funny, IF you're in the mood for it and I was. The accents are straight out of the "this is the way I think hicks talk" book, but that's WHEN the actors could remember that they were supposed to be doing an accent. Even the bad wigs and especially the beards are so stupid they're funny. Peter North was especially bad with his acting, I've seen him do much better, so I'm not sure what he was trying to covey with his flat line readings. The outstanding actor in the ensemble is Jonathan Morgan, who as we all know, went on to direct his own great comic XXX movies. Unfortunately, the sex scenes were all "by the numbers" with none generating much heat. Hillbilly Honeys didn't come anywhere close to matching Carmen Goes South, but it's still not a bad movie and I grade it C+


And last and certainly least: Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2. I have no idea why I rented this movie. I'm pretty sure I confused it with something else or maybe I was just having a brain cramp at the time. Anyway, Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2 was classified as a feature, but it should really be classified as a vignette, since there is just a bare minimum of a stupid plot that ties the scenes together. I rate this one a solid D

LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME

The first Michael Raven movie I ever saw was "The Visitors" and it was great, but then I watched two more Michael Raven movies: "Black Widow" and "Watchers" and neither one impressed me very much. Since Love For The First Time was directed and written by Michael Raven, I was a little bit skeptical about renting it; but, I thought I would take a chance, since it starred two of my favorite adult actors: Carmen Hart and Randy Spears. To my surprise I found that Love For The First Time (LFFT) was one of the better XXX features I have viewed in quite a while.

The movie is loosely based on The 40 Year Old Virgin. LFFT opens with Randy Spears waking up alone in his bed and riding his bike to work. We know Randy is a nerd because he has repaired his glasses with tape (ok that's a really a cliched short hand way to identify a nerd). At work, we meet Randy's co-workers: chronic masturbator Mr Marcus and "wigger" Barrett Blade. Randy's two co-workers "out" him as a virgin and decide they will do some charity work by getting Randy laid. We also get the feeling that even though Mr Marcus and Barrett talk a good game of sex, a lot of it is just talk and they may not be as experienced as they want everyone to think.


LFFT cuts to Carmen Hart who is alone in her bed having a sex dream. It was refreshing that the movie had opened with plot and comedy instead of rushing right into a sex scene. This first sex scene is shot with a hazy look and only runs around 12 minutes (which most of the sex scenes do). What a relief to have sex scenes that didn't run into mind-numbing length. I would like to mention, without getting too "Sex In The City" on you, that Carmen wears a pair of spiked heeled boots in this scene and, I swear, I saw these same boots or similar ones on other performers throughout the movie.


The boys take Randy to a bar where Barrett, still trying to do good deeds, finds that you can't buy a man a drink or he'll think you're gay. This also sets the stage for us seeing Carmen Hart at work as the bartender. Barrett returns to the table and barmaid Ryder Skye comes over for their order. Mr Marcus is gobsmacked by her and can't say a word....and we see the sexual fantasy he is having about her.


The guys take Randy to a strip club where his path crosses once again with Carmen. Lindsey Meadows, Carmen's roommate, has also taken Carmen to the strip club with her. It's amateur night and Lindsey is going to show Carmen how to loosen up in hopes of getting Carmen laid.....it seems Carmen is also a Virgin! It should be noted that Lindsey plays a very understated role as the best friend/roommate and she's so good that you might not even notice that fact.

After a sex scene in the movie where the boys buy Randy a VIP lap dance that turns into a bj, the guys head out for a party and of course Carmen and Lindsey are at the same party. To Barrett's surprise, Lindsey is actually agreeable to having sex with him. He's stunned but tells her he'll have to stop by his place first to get his hair products. A sex scene then follows.


At the party, Randy follows the guys advice: make the girl feel uncomfortable, then he will be able to feel comfortable in any situation. This isn't working on Carmen and whens she tells Randy that he's making her uncomfortable, he apologizes and becomes himself. This leads to the duo dating for six months and Carmen finally having to tell Randy that she's ready to have sex. Carmen asks Randy if he has any protection and he pulls out a LARGE handful of condoms. As she goes off to get ready, there's a funny bit where Randy experiments with the rubbers. Carmen returns and we have a 20 minute sex scene, but since this is what the movie has been building up to, it seems logical to let this scene run on a little longer.

LFFT had great writing from start to finish, the plot made logical sense and the sex scenes fit into the flow of the movie and, as mentioned previously, weren't mind numbingly long. All the actors were way more than good in their roles and Barrett Blade provided the movie with a lots of comic moments. There's even a cameo by Ron Jeremy in a non-sex role, and while unnecessary for the movie, I seem to never tire of seeing The Legend. The only very slight problem I had with the movie was some of the music used an organ (no pun intended) that sounded like Ray Manzarek of The Doors was let loose to jam (which would never be a good idea), but even with that minor quibble I'm still rating this one a solid A

Love For The First Time, written and directed by Michael Raven and starring Mr Marcus, Carmen Hart, Ryder Skye, Lindsey Meadows, TJ Cummings, Abbey Brooks, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade