BATGIRL XXX

Barbara Gordon (Sunny Lane) wants to be a crime fighter, but her father Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron) is dead set against it.  Barbara even makes her own homemade costume and goes out crime-fighting, but the detectives pull her off the street and turn her over to her father. One night while she's out, either looking for criminals to fight or trying to find Batman (the plot is unclear at this point), she is kidnapped, tied up, and eventually water-boarded. When she regains consciousness, she is dressed in a Batgirl outfit and is in the presence of Batman (Evan Stone) and Robin (Scott Lyons). The plot is once again murky as to whether Batman  and Robin have rescued her OR were they the ones who kidnapped her in the first place. This mystery is cleared up later in the film. Regardless Batman strips her down and the threesome have a sex scene.

  Meanwhile Bianca Steeplechase, aka The Joker (Lizzy Borden), breaks into Arkham Asylum and frees Riddler, Harlequin, Penguin, Poison Ivy, Scarecrow, and Catwoman. The Joker lays down her plan for domination of Gotham to the group of baddies and then has Harlequin (Amber Rayne) give The Penguin (Ron Jeremey) oral sex. No apparent reason, it was just time for some type of sex scene in the movie. Which brings us to the next sex scene, Vicky Vale (Aiden Starr) was kidnapped when the baddies were broken out of the Arkum Asylum. She has her mind clouded by The Scarecrow so she will have sex with The Riddler (Seth Gamble). Another non-nonsensical sex scene added into the film....I mean how does poor Scarecrow feel about having to set The Riddler up and while he himself is banished from the room.

 
Batman splits his trio of crime-fighters up by sending Robin and Batgirl to different locales to check on things. When Batgirl arrives at the commissioner's office, she finds her dad tied up by Poison Ivy (Phoenix Marie) and Catwoman (Aurora Snow). They agree to let him go, if Batgirl will have sex with them. Of course, she agrees.

The Joker has released some type of toxin into the water, supply of Gotham, which makes anyone who drinks it sex starved. The example we see here are citizens played by Alec Knight and Lexi Belle, who both literally fuck themselves to death. Next, we see Robin bludgeoned to death by The Joker and Batman swearing to revenge his death. Before Batman and Batgirl leave to find The Joker, Batman tells Batgirl that all of her training, including sleep deprivation and water-boarding, still may not have prepared her for their fight with The Joker....so finally the mystery of who kidnapped Batgirl at the first of the movie is cleared up. This is all pretty strange knowing that Batman could have just told Barbara he wanted her to join him, since she was eager to be a crime-fighter in the first place. I guess Batman aka The Dark Knight REALLY does have a dark side. Speaking of Batman, in Batgirl XXX, he is portrayed mostly as the Batman/Dark Knight version, but strangely, Batgirl is straight out of the 1960's TV show. Strangest of all is the last scene in the film, which  is a shot of two office towers falling...they fall and the movie is over, setting up for a sequel. Using basically the 9/11 tragedy to close out a porn movie, just didn't work for me (and I'm not all that politically correct) and made me want to ask the director Sinister X (Rob Black)...What the hell were you thinking!

 
Even with this last faux pas and the shaky tied together plot, Batgirl XXX manages to be somewhat better than your average modern day XXX parody. This movie doesn't have a mainstream counterpart, so it's really not a parody, unless you count the TV show. One thing that elevated this film was the acting. There really wasn't anyone weak in their parts, so I'm just pointing out those who were outstanding: Tom Byron has really come into his own in the acting department over the last few years. Evan Stone, as usual, understands his role and commits to it entirely. Lizzy Borden, taking her cues from the late Heath Ledger, is outstanding as The Joker. A little tighter, logically plotted, storyline could have elevated this film to excellent status, as it stands, I grade it a solid B.

REZERVOIR DOGGS

 
Rezervoir Doggs starring Lizzy Borden, Kimberly Kane, Andy San Dimas, Chanel Preston, Tom Byron, Amber Rayne, Raylene, Tara Lynn Fox, Anthony Rosano, Dale DaBone, Xander Corvus and directed by General Stone (Rob Black)

The Plot:  Tarantino's "Reservoir Dogs" with most of the lead roles switched from male to female.

 :  Calling this a parody is really misleading since at least 95% of the dialogue in Rezervoir Doggs is lifted straight from "Reservoir Dogs". Since the majority of the mainstream movie takes place in a warehouse it made for an easy set for the porn version. The production itself resembled what it would be like if your community theater put on their own version of "Reservoir Dogs"....well, except for the addition of sex scenes (unless you have a really avante garde local theater).

Most of the acting is passable, but the real standout in Rezervoir Doggs is Tom Byron in the role of Joe. He's so good, he could have easily played the role Lawrence Tierney had in the original film. Byron is really the only reason to see Rezervoir Doggs other than the curiosity of seeing what "Reservoir Dogs" would have been like with a primarily female cast and hardcore sex scenes. I grade the movie C-, I grade Tom Bryron A+.

DARK KNIGHT XXX

The Dark Knight XXX starring Giovanni Francesco, Aiden Ashley, Brendon Miller, Brian Street Team, Penny Pax, Dani Jensen, Christy Mack, Derrick Pierce, Clarke Kent, Andy San Dimas, Tom Byron (non sex role) and directed by Axel Braun.

The Plot: A supposed parody of The Dark Knight, the movie instead draws from different elements of The DC Universe. I guess I could say kudo's for trying to come up with something original for the XXX parody; but for me, after a terrific opening scene, the rest of the movie just couldn't deliver the goods.

: While The Dark Knight XXX starting promisingly with a long (almost too long even for me) plot with Batgirl being exposed as Barbara Gordon by The Joker (Brendon Miller being even creepier than the late Heath Ledger) in front of her father, Commissioner Gordon (Tom Byron in a role that will probably be unappreciated, but he  did a great piece of acting in his minor role). The Commissioner is stripped and placed in a cage naked and forced to watch his daughter have sex with The Joker to win his freedom. After the sex scene, The Joker shoots Batgirl in the back, I think mainly so the porn line, "I guess she took two in the backside" could be included.

After this great start The Dark Knight XXX deteriorated into what was basically a vignette movie with very short bits of plot followed by long sex scenes with Nightwing (Brian Street Team) and Poison Ivy (Dani Jensen), Batman/Bruce Wayne  (Giovanni Francisco) and Cat Woman (Aiden Ashley), Zatanna (Christy Mack)  and Constantine (played by...get this - Clarke Kent) and finally Bane (Derrick Pierce)/Cat Woman/ and Kathy Kane (Andy San Dimas).

If I had to put my finger on what the problem was with The Dark Knight XXX, I think it was the short running time of 91 minutes. With five sex scenes, this left little time for any type of story development (a requirement in a porn feature for me) and what plot there was seemed to be a  hodge-podge of ideas that never coalesced  into a coherent story. The reason I'm not grading The Dark Knight XXX any lower than I am is because of four things:  the opening scene, Tom Byron as Commissioner Gordon, Dani Jensen's Poison Ivy costume, and Dani Jensen giving an outstanding sex performance in the film. These few elements allow me to keep The Dark Knight XXX from being graded below average and giving it a grade of C-

A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART

I had only seen one Jace Rocker production prior to watching A Little Piece of My Heart (LPMH). I felt that Jace Rocker movie, Hillbilly Honeys, was ok, but it wasn't anything that made me go on a search for any more of his movies. I ran across LPMH while searching for music related movies for my other blog: Gonna Put Me In The Movies.

The description of LPMH touted: "Texas, 1969. Ever feel you've been cheated? Stacy does. Especially after finding her redneck boyfriend in the sack with another girl. She's so pissed she decides to pack her things and head for Hollywood. She soon realizes that things are little different in California. It's the summer of free love and lots of it. From rock stars to sleazy "B" movie directors, she gives them all a little piece...of her heart!!"

Even knowing it was rated XXX and that I wouldn't be able to review it for my other blog; I still wanted to see it, since the title referenced a Janis Joplin song (I know it was originally an Erma Franklin song, but it's primarily identified with Janis) and the description included the words 1969, Rock Stars, and San Francisco. It looked liked it was going to combine both of my main interests in cinema: XXX and Music!

The movie begins in PORT ARTHUR TEXAS, where we find Tom Byron relating his war stories, which leads to a "dick in the box" gag and into the first sex scene. I would like to say a few words about Tom Byron. I have seen him in countless movies over the years and while he is always okay in the acting department, I have never seen him in any role that was memorable until I watch LPMY. He is straight up good and funny in his role as the cheating, lying redneck boyfriend.

Tom's girlfriend, Stacy Valentine, comes home to their trailer and arrives just after he has finished having sex with Shay Sweet. It's pretty obvious as to what has been going on and she packs her bags and heads for San Francisco where she's going to stay with a friend named JANIS, who has moved there.

After her money runs out for the bus ride, Stacy is having to hitchhike and she gets picked up by Steve Hatcher, who takes her home with him. Steve looked liked a cross between Sonny Bono and Jeff Foxworthy and played his role of the laid back stoned hippie musician to perfection. Steve knows Janis and makes a call to let her know that Stacy is in town, but finds out that Janis is on tour in Europe. Stacy decides to stay on in California anyway and Steve sends her to a casting agent that will help her get work in an "art" film.

Stacy's jealous cousin, Alyssa Love, finds out about Stacy's plans to stay in California and right away runs to tell Tom Byron. Tom decides he must go to San Francisco and bring her back to Texas. Of course, being the cheating rat he's always been, he first has to have sex with Alyssa.

The agent turns out to be Ron Jeremy in a non sex role. Ron wants to see how Stacy will work out and gets her to do a lesbian scene with Davia Ardell. There's a pretty funny bit here when the vintage camera that Ron is trying to work falls apart and Ron just goes with the flow, yelling for someone to bring him another camera.

Since Stacy worked out alright in her lesbian scene, Ron gets her a job on the set of a B picture being shot by Jonathan Morgan. This whole set up, including a Bela Lugosi (Jace Rocker) part is straight out of "Ed Wood". Jonathan Morgan was terrific doing Johnny Deep as Ed Wood and it made me wish for a whole porn parody of "Ed Wood" with Morgan in the lead role. And just think, the title's already there: Ed's Got Wood!

Tom Bryon finally gets to California and is trying to force Stacy to go back to Texas with him. Hatcher comes to her rescue, whacks Tom with a guitar and tells Stacy she can come on tour with him. It was great to see another movie that knew how to have an ending that could wind things up.

LPMH had the look of a very cheaply made movie, yet it put a lot of the big budget XXX spoofs to shame with its great comic writing and coherent story. The first and last sex scenes were an integral part of storyline, with the rest of the sex scenes being your standard porn movie conventional set-ups.The sex scenes were even more in line with the length of "Golden Age of Porn" sex scenes. And like many scenes from "The Golden Age", lacked very much heat. The only real flaw in the movie was there was a lot of bad silicone..some REALLY Bad, Bad Boob Jobs...but even taking that into account, I rate this one A-

A Little Piece of My Heart starring Julian, Sindee Coxx, Stacy Valentine, Shay Sweet, Davia Ardell, Alyssa Love, Jace Rocker, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Steve Hatcher and directed by Jace Rocker

The BIG LEBOWSKI - A XXX PARODY

Wow! I knew that Lee Roy Myers was no Will Ryder, but I never imagined he could make a train wreck as bad as The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody (BLX). The first problem with the movie is casting Tom Byron in the lead role. While Tom has had a stoned looked about him for years, the important thing that Lee Roy must have forgotten is that Tom isn't that great of an actor and the lead role really needs someone strong enough to give some believability to the part, since they will be carrying most of the movie. On a positive note, Tom was either given good direction in how to ape the body language of Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski or he has really studied the movie, since this was the one thing that was spot on.

The actual plot of BLX makes very little sense UNLESS you have seen the original movie. Myers removed large parts of the original plot and makes references to some events that have already occurred off screen. This might be fine for those familiar with The Big Lebowski; however, the end result for BLX is one more incoherent mess.


BLX starts off pretty much on the wrong foot, we have the scene inside Lebowski's house where the hoods come to demand money that's owed to Jackie Treehorn. Only this time, there's 3 of them, 2 guys and a female, While one guy beats on Tom the other two have sex. But it's not the splooge (the movie's word, not mine) on the rug that's the problem, it's the splooge on The Dude's porno tapes. An aside: BLX is on 2 discs, one has the party version (what kind of Fucking party this is going to be played at, I'm not sure....I know they nixed the idea, when I suggested it for my nephew's birthday party!). Anyway, the party version has the plot, shorter sex scenes, and no pop shots. Since the plot requires a pop shot on The Dude's tapes, the party version has already gone astray.


At the bowling alley we meet the Donnie and Walter characters and both did a great job in their characterizations. However, at one point they have Walter say "this isn't Amsterdam, there's rules" (in the original movie it's Vietnam), in later dialogue Walter says Vietnam instead of Amsterdam. This is either the fault of a poorly written script or a poorly edited movie, since there is no consistency. Could be either, since Lee Roy takes credit for the script and for co-editing.

The scene where The Dude goes to visit the "real" Lebowski (who collects Beta porn tapes) to get reimbursed for his destroyed tapes is pretty good. The "real" Lebowski in BLX has erectile dysfunction instead of loss of his legs as the character does in"The Big Lebowski". In the scene where Bunny (Brianna Blair) says that she'll suck The Dude's cock for $1,000 and Brad (Evan Stone) will have to pay an extra $100.00 if he wants to watch, The Dude whips out his checkbook and writes a check for $1,100 to cover him and Brad.


Up next is probably the best scene in BLX with James Deen playing Jesus. Since Deen had the Jesus role down perfectly, I could only think, what if they had given Deen the lead in BLX, how much better this movie could have been. The only downfall of this scene is the really ill fitting jump suit, but then I guess by this point in the movie I shouldn't have been surprised about lack of detail. If Carlos Santana ever sees this movie, I'm pretty sure there will be a lawsuit, because they really ripped off "Smooth" for the music during James Deen's sex scene.

The Dude settles in and watches "Logjammin". The scene starts pretty good with Steve Holmes in a very bad blond wig, and he mispronounces "cable" as "cabal" which was the way the character pronounced it in "The Big Lebowski". However, only moments later he pronounces it "cable", just another example of no one paying very much attention to what they were supposed to be parodying.


Before the famous Dude flying scene (mashed up with when The Dude got slipped a mickey at Jackie Treehorn's), BLX warns the viewer that things aren't going to be following the regular movie. DUH!!! If a fan of "The Big Lebowski" hasn't figured that out by this point in the movie they're never going to figure it out.

Kimberly Kane shows up near the end of the movie as Maude and she really looks the part, of course she also still looks like Scully from The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody. During her sex scene, I really thought I was watching Scully and The Dude get it on. This was NOT the fault of the movie, just my own addled porn brain.

At the end of the movie, Evan Stone makes another appearance, this time playing The Stranger. Of course the makers of BLX couldn't even go to the trouble to get a sarsaparilla bottle for the scene (I can even buy Sioux City Sarsaparilla at my local grocer!). Evan sports a really bad fake mustache in this scene, rivaling the bad wig of Steve Holmes for the award for worst costuming in BLX. The most discouraging part of this scene is that the dialogue covers the fact that they had to leave out of a lot of the story, but there could always be a sequel. PLEASE, I BEG, FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE, DON'T LET LEE ROY MYERS DO ANOTHER BLX!!!!

There are EVEN more things wrong with BLX than what I have mentioned above, but I didn't want to go over each and every thing that was wrong, just hit some of the main highlights that spring readily to mind after my viewing. BLX would have gotten an F, but since I did get a few laughs and a few of the actors did a good job with their roles, I'm going to rate this one a D-

OBJECT of DESIRE

From the back of the box: "Foxy french tart Miss du Pre stars in this tantalizing blast from the past, playing a youthfully naive beauty who comes under a sensual spell when she's introduced to the far-out pleasures of the flesh. Shot on location in France, the lush sexvid takes us into the back alleys and bawdy bordellos of Paris, where she is stuck as the story begins. She soon finds a place at a secluded brothel that caters to the unique whims of their wealthy clientele. Monique gets washed away on a sensual sea of lust as she is welcomed into the realm of pure carnal bliss and adventure. Eventually she falls for a rich but sadistic client who brings her back to his place for some erotically indentured servitude. Monique is given to the man's swarthy black manservant, who shows her a whole new world of wickedly wanton desire. In the end, Monique ends up as the sexual plaything of both the wealthy malefactor and his well-built valet. This is a wildly passionate, intensely focused sex film that delves head first into the deep waters of out-there sexual expression. An exquisitely photographed, stunningly erotic opus that never fails to startle and
arouse."

I can only find the director's name Ji Bourg Jime tied to this one movie. I'm not sure if Object of Desire was so terrible he never got a chance to direct another porno or if Ji Bourg JIme is just a pseudonym. According to IMDB it was released in 1983 and was a Finnish release, although I know it states shot on location in France. Maybe there's something lost in the translation causing me to find this to be one of the worse pornos I have ever seen. It had a draggy plot that made little sense, the direction was terrible, the cinematography wasn't good, and the sex scenes were uninspired. I couldn't even bring myself to finish this travesty of a movie. Even though Object of Desire had Juilet Anderson, I'm still rating this one an F

Object of Desire starring Juliet Anderson, Mai Lin, Taylor Wayne, Derek Amanza, Giovanne Andre, Adrianna Bach, Bella Blanche, Wanda Bruce, June Budezi, Marilyn du Pre, Janine Jarre, Loma Lake, Lisa Lo, Ronell Randall, Rex Rappers, Rod Savage, Ti'Bourg Taime, Abe Theimbe, Tom Byron and directed by
Ji Bourg Jime

Layout

The basic plot of the movie revolves around a magazine called AVG (Adult Video Guide) and the movie is meant to be a take on AVN (Adult Video News). The back of the box blurb: "Hollywood, CA - A young reporter accepts a position at adult trade mag powerhouse AVG, and becomes immersed in the strange world where pornography and journalism meet. Gradually he grows from an eager cub reporter into a sophisticated writer, surviving the distractions and pitfalls one would expect in the pornalism game...like full-on bondage and non-stop, hardcore anal sex...stop the presses! Briana Banks is the lead ... Tom Byron's the sidebar ... and Paul Thomas is at the desk. Any resemblance to AVN is purely intentional."

The movie's purpose was either to rip open the world of porn journalism and show us how things work behind the scenes or have us see how kinky these people all are. While both of these themes may be of interest to those working in the world of porn journalism, it didn't do a lot for me.

The best part of the plot was Kylie Ireland, playing a retired superstar trying to make a comeback She seduces AVG reporter Marcos Leon as part of her scheme to gain favorable press coverage.

Layout includes a couple of "on the set" porn shoots. The outdoor one is horrible and shot badly. The indoor one - The Three Muskatettes with Hillary Scott, Brooke Haven, Briana Banks, and Evan Stone was much better. And of course, our man Evan, gets to play dress up.

The movie was shot on film (and I think part video). There are some parts of the film that are dark and grainy. If you're going to shoot on film and can't have good lighting, why bother.

My only other comment on the movie is "When did Tom Byron get old!"

I appreciate the fact that Paul Thomas does strive to put more content into his movies than some directors; however, I would still grade Layout as only an average modern day porn movie.

Layout starring Penny Flame, Hillary Scott, Briana Banks, Haley Scott, Kylie Ireland, Brooke Haven, Marcos Leon, Joey, Barry Scott, Evan Stone, Tom Byron, Jerry, Kurt Lockwood, Tyce Bune and directed by Paul Thomas.