SPACE NUTS

Living in The Bible Belt and also in a city that is home to Bob Jones University, getting porn movies has always been something of a challenge. Back before VHS you occasionally ran across someone that had an 8mm stag movie and that was about it. How Greenville, SC, managed to have a XXX movie theater on Main Street (see photo on sidebar) back in the late 60s and early 70s is still a mystery to me. We also had a XXX drive-in movie theater up the road in Spartanburg, SC....and here's the kicker....you had to know someone who could get you a membership card before you could get in....thankfully, I had a terrific Uncle Bob who got me one....so "Bob's Your Uncle" and I possessed a card (that joke is just for my UK and anglophile readers). Along came VHS and some of the small Mom and Pop shops tried to rent porn and were constantly busted by the police. I am still thankful to them for the times, between busts, that I could rent XXX videos.

All of the above is just a preamble to how thankful I was one day in 2006 when I read an article where Tori Spelling talked about renting porn by mail. My only awareness of Tori Spelling was that she was the daughter of Aaron and had been on some TV shows, none of which I had ever watched. When I read the following quote: ""My husband Dean McDermott and I also belong to this service that's like a porn Netflix.....The Netflix DVDs come in a red package and the porn ones come in a blue one, so we're like, "Oooh! A Netflix arrived!" or "Oooh! A porn arrived!" I became a fan of hers for life....curiously, to date I still have never seen her in any TV show or TV movie, but I won't "cotton" to anyone saying anything bad about Tori!!

After all that long winded explanation, I'm finally getting around to the movie I'm going to discuss for my 100th review. In 2004 HBO had a show called "Pornucopia" and part of that show was about the making of Space Nuts, a big budget XXX comedy with a plot. It reminded me of some of the older plot based movies I had seen years ago, albeit with a much bigger budget. I checked out Tori's recommendation and joined the online porn movie rental company with Space Nuts being one of the first movies I received.{IF you wonder why I'm not mentioning the rental company, their service was very slow and I eventually switched to another company}. Since I felt that review #100 should have some type of significance, I decided to watch Space Nuts again. It is a real rarity for me to watch a XXX movie more than once.

Space Nuts doesn't spoof any certain movie, but takes parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "Buck Rogers", and who knows what else, mixes them all together, adds in some special effects and produces an outstanding movie in the world of XXX. Space Nuts was directed and co-written by Jonathan Morgan, who has, as many of you know from my past reviews, become one of my favorite go-to directors when I'm looking for a good XXX movie. It also stars some top talent: Mike Horner, Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Stormy Daniels, Katie Morgan, Randy Spears, Devinn Lane, Jessica Drake, Kaylani Lei, Kyle Stone, and even a cameo by Ron Jeremy.

The plot centers around Princess Hubba Hubba (Stormy) who is fleeing her galaxy (the Clitoran system) from the Evil Overlord (Mike Horner - unrecognizable under a prosthetic mask) who wants to marry her and control her empire. Assisting the Evil Overlord are the Dark Witch (Devinn Lane) and General Warts (Kyle Stone). On the side of good with the Princess are Buzz Starfokker (Evan Stone) and the android Jeeves (Randy Spears).

Space Nuts had a big budget for a XXX feature (reportedly $200,000) and it looks like a lot of that money was invested in special effects with some of the effects (definitely not all) being on the level of mainstream studio productions. They also didn't cut corners on costuming or make-up, something porn features are sometimes apt to do. With the effects, the costumes, the acting, the great comic writing all added together, you get one damn good movie....How good is it? They could remove the ten sex scenes (which were all too long anyway at the modern 20+ minute length) and I would still without hesitation recommend this movie to anyone who likes a good spoof.

Space Nuts starring Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Devinn Lane, Kaylani Lei, Shanna McCullough, Katie Morgan, Kim Chambers, Amber Rain, Casey Pink, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Steve Hatcher, Trevor Zen, Scott Styles, Jim Enright and directed by Jonathan Morgan

BLONDE AMBITION

I recently watched Sextette to review for my other blog, Gonna Put Me In The Movies, and thought it would be "campy" fun, instead it just turned out to be an embarrassment for Mae West and a dull viewing experience for me. Blonde Ambition, on the other hand, fulfilled my desire for camp and comedy.


Sugar and Candy Kane (Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon) are performers in a small Podunk town in Wyoming. They get a call from their manager to come to New York for a job (which turns out to be non-existent). The first sex scene has the girls in their dressing room, which is just another stall in the horse barn. Sugar has sex with her boyfriend (David Morris) on one end of the barn while Candy is doing her make-up on the other end. There are a lot of double entendres spoken during this scene and it's played more for laughs than sex. It seemed strange that Sugar's boyfriend had a huge bald spot (which looked like a fake bald cap) and he wanted to keep his cowboy hat on most of the time....little did I know that this plot point would come into play before the end of the movie. I'm not going to reveal how it came back at the end of the movie, but just wanted to note how well written Blonde Ambition was that it could take a minor bit from the start of the movie and make notation of it again at the end of the movie.


They don't have any funds to get to New York but luckily Eric Edwards and his man servant Richard Bolla are in town picking up a priceless brooch for Eric's aunt and they will fly the girls to New York. Sugar shows him an exact double for his brooch and tells him she bought it on the cheap....there's a fight in the bar and the brooches get switched (like we didn't see that one coming!).

On the plane trip, Candy has sex with Eric and Sugar gives Richard oral sex....well actually a body double (Suzy Mandel did not do any hardcore scenes in the movie) wearing a gray wig (Candy is blonde) gives Richard oral sex. Neither sex scene was very remarkable and both scenes seem to be included in the movie simply as sex scenes with no plot development involved. In New York when the girls find that no job exists, they have to look for other work. The girls get parts in a porn production of Gone With The Wind directed by Jamie Gillis. This has a huge number of people in a choreographed sex scene which is more "campy" than sexual.


Back at the apartment Candy is showering and masturbating while thinking about Eric Edwards, while we see him showering and masturbating thinking about her. This is a particularly odd scene, while seeing a woman masturbate in a porn is nothing out of the ordinary, seeing a man with no female involved masturbating is out of the norm and maybe this had something to do with the directors, who also worked in gay porn.

Eric's aunt, Lady Buckingham, has sent a private detective to check on the two girls. She thinks they are too low class for her nephew and has them pegged as golddiggers. The PI and Candy hook up and of course this results in a sex scene. In the meantime, Sugar has met a frisky couple in an elevator and gone back to their apartment with them. In the apartment, the sex scene begins with the man naked playing a piano while the woman is trying to undress Sugar, but Sugar pulls away and lo and behold the floor is a skating rink and Sugar skates around while undressing. We have now moved from the campy into the surreal!

The girls are both back at the apartment and we find Sugar checking out a guy sunbathing a couple of floors below and she drops the brooch over the balcony. Sugar goes downstairs to the apartment to retrieve it, where the guy (George Payne) has now moved his sunbathing inside under a sunlamp. Sugar finds that it is a gay couple living in the apartment and she's cool with them being gay and agrees to let one of them use her brooch as part of his costume at an upcoming drag show. After he leaves, Suzy still has the hots for the other guy. Since he has protective eyewear on and can't see what is going on, Sugar starts rubbing on him...he thinks it's his partner but when he finds out it's Sugar they have sex anyway!!! I'll let you draw your own conclusions from this scene.

Sugar and Candy want to go to the drag show but are refused admittance, so they disguise themselves as drag queens to get into the club. The dialogue inside the drag club was similar to what I have heard at drag shows, so I assume that a real club or at least some of the real performers were used.


In the meantime Lady Buckingham has found out about the brooch switch and has come to New York to have the ladies arrested. She is easily mistaken for a drag queen and gets into the club, but before she can have the girls arrested, the whole club gets raided and everyone is put in jail. Lady Buckingham finds out that she actually owns that club among all of her other New York property. The girls are such a hit that Eric's aunt buys them their own club. The final scene is a choreographed dance number with Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon at their new club backed by a group of gay dancers.

I would say they don't make them like this anymore, but actually I don't think they really ever made many like this one. My grade A-

Blonde Ambition starring Kurt Mann, Patricia Dale, Molly Malone, Tara Belles, Dory Devon, Jean Joseph, Suzy Mandel, Eric Edwards, George Payne and directed by John and Lem Amero

LUST ON THE ORIENT XPRESS

The back of the box actually has a pretty decent summation of the movie: "Nick (John Leslie) and Nora (Gina Carrera) Chalmers write mystery novels...steamy, sexy mystery novels. In search of plots for their next book, they travel to Europe to experience the passion, desire and intrigue on the legendary Orient Express. Once on board, they discover a cast of shady (and horny) characters including a Potent Potentate and his Hand Job Hand Maiden, Horny Colonel Kittridge, and the anything but Lady Like Ashley and her Sex Starved Secretary - all plotting to steal a priceless diamond. "The Eye of Eros". It's a four day erotic adventure where it's not whodunnit, but who's doing it, that counts."

Lust On The Orient Xpress (LOOX) was made in the waning days of the Golden Age of porn, but definitely qualifies as a Golden Age movie with its well thought out logical plot that progresses the storyline from start to finish. LOOX was a big budget porn in 1986 with scenes shot outside a train, realistic movie sets inside different train cars and even insert shots of a real train pulling in and out of train stations. Another plus are the period costumes that everyone gets to wear. All of these elements add up to a pretty decent movie.

In LOOX, John Leslie proves he was as good an actor as any second string actor in movies and TV during this same time period. Everyone's acting for the most part is pretty good with one exception: Tracey Adams, who tries to do a Cockney accent, but somehow manages to sound American Southern and British at the same time....maybe she's from South London :-)

The worst parts of LOOX are the sex scenes, which are all deadly dull. Without them of course, this wouldn't be a XXX feature, it would just be a fairly decent "Made For TV" movie (actually better than some). The sex scenes were "shoehorned" into the movie, instead of having situations that led naturally to them, making them just as irritating as many sex scenes in modern day XXX features. Even discounting for the sex scenes, this one still rates a solid B


John Leslie, Gina Carrera, Jamie Gillis, Pat Manning, Eric Edwards, Tracey Adams, Andrew Herbert, Keli Richards, Jim Woodman, Paul Thomas, Francis Papillion, Raymond Roberts, F. Powers Gireau, Jennifer Lacy, Nich Kypros and directed by Tim McDonald

CAROLINA JONES and THE BROKEN COVENANT

This movie was shot in Hungary and the location shooting was definitely a plus for Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant (CJ). The very first scene is shot in some caverns as we find Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) after an artifact at a Monastery. She sneaks in disguised as a Monk and happens on Steve Holmes having sex with Nikki Blond, while Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up next to them being forced to watch. Why all of this is taking place is never revealed, but it allows Carolina to rescue Dixie and get the artifact. The rescue includes some cheap gore effects that you don't usually see in feature porn movies.

Carolina gets word that her former lover John Brody (James Brossman) has information about The Ark. Dixie has transportation so Carolina reluctantly agrees to let Dixie be her sidekick. Unfortunately, Dixie's truck breaks down and they're forced to hitchhike. Carolina and Dixie get picked up by some guys who want to have sex. What follows comes as a surprise: No sex scene, instead, the guys get their asses kicked and their truck taken from them. Once they reach Brody's mansion, Dixie distracts the guards (now we have a sex scene) enabling Carolina to get into his bedroom.

Brody has been willingly tied up and blindfolded by his sex partner (Roxy Panther) for the night. She has just finished giving him oral sex when Carolina arrives and takes over. Carolina wants to know where the Ark is, so she tortures Brody for the information. There are some special effects where she pours boiling water on him and you can see steam coming off his face as it blisters. He tells her, but Carolina pours honey on Brody's genitals and releases ants into the room as punishment for his past sexual transgressions. While both the boiling water and the ants were cheesy special effects, I've seen just as bad in mainstream cheapo movies.

CJ hits its first really weak spot as a new plot point is introduced when Carolina tells Dixie, Brody is the only man she has ever had sex with. Dixie tells her she needs to have sex with someone else and this sets up a fantasy sex scene with the hotel bellman (David Perry).

In their next attempt to get the Ark, they hook up with Dixie's estranged fiancé (Zenza Raggi), but they wind up having to be rescued from the Nazis who have possession of The Ark by Carolina's father Indy (Tibor Butch, whose only resemblance to the real Indiana Jones is his hat!) . This would have been a great place to end the movie, but like many other pornos, the makers felt it necessary to tack on one more sex scene, this one between Carolina, Dixie, and the fiancé.

CJ reminded me of some of the BETTER late night Skinemax plotted movies. After stating that, there are a few things that really stood out as flaws in CJ: Bree playing the character Dixie uses a Southern accent, but she completely forgets about her accent during her sex scenes. There's also some odd music used throughout CJ that did not fit with the movie, one scene had a blues harmonica in the background that is so out of place it was distracting. As mentioned above, the last sex scene should have been left off since CJ had already come to a logical end. Taking into account these flaws along with the really good parts of the movie, I arrive at a grade of B-

Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant starring Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Blond, Roxy Panther, David Perry, Steve Holmes, James Brossman, Zenza Ragg, Tibor Butch and directed by Ethan Kane

A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART

I had only seen one Jace Rocker production prior to watching A Little Piece of My Heart (LPMH). I felt that Jace Rocker movie, Hillbilly Honeys, was ok, but it wasn't anything that made me go on a search for any more of his movies. I ran across LPMH while searching for music related movies for my other blog: Gonna Put Me In The Movies.

The description of LPMH touted: "Texas, 1969. Ever feel you've been cheated? Stacy does. Especially after finding her redneck boyfriend in the sack with another girl. She's so pissed she decides to pack her things and head for Hollywood. She soon realizes that things are little different in California. It's the summer of free love and lots of it. From rock stars to sleazy "B" movie directors, she gives them all a little piece...of her heart!!"

Even knowing it was rated XXX and that I wouldn't be able to review it for my other blog; I still wanted to see it, since the title referenced a Janis Joplin song (I know it was originally an Erma Franklin song, but it's primarily identified with Janis) and the description included the words 1969, Rock Stars, and San Francisco. It looked liked it was going to combine both of my main interests in cinema: XXX and Music!

The movie begins in PORT ARTHUR TEXAS, where we find Tom Byron relating his war stories, which leads to a "dick in the box" gag and into the first sex scene. I would like to say a few words about Tom Byron. I have seen him in countless movies over the years and while he is always okay in the acting department, I have never seen him in any role that was memorable until I watch LPMY. He is straight up good and funny in his role as the cheating, lying redneck boyfriend.

Tom's girlfriend, Stacy Valentine, comes home to their trailer and arrives just after he has finished having sex with Shay Sweet. It's pretty obvious as to what has been going on and she packs her bags and heads for San Francisco where she's going to stay with a friend named JANIS, who has moved there.

After her money runs out for the bus ride, Stacy is having to hitchhike and she gets picked up by Steve Hatcher, who takes her home with him. Steve looked liked a cross between Sonny Bono and Jeff Foxworthy and played his role of the laid back stoned hippie musician to perfection. Steve knows Janis and makes a call to let her know that Stacy is in town, but finds out that Janis is on tour in Europe. Stacy decides to stay on in California anyway and Steve sends her to a casting agent that will help her get work in an "art" film.

Stacy's jealous cousin, Alyssa Love, finds out about Stacy's plans to stay in California and right away runs to tell Tom Byron. Tom decides he must go to San Francisco and bring her back to Texas. Of course, being the cheating rat he's always been, he first has to have sex with Alyssa.

The agent turns out to be Ron Jeremy in a non sex role. Ron wants to see how Stacy will work out and gets her to do a lesbian scene with Davia Ardell. There's a pretty funny bit here when the vintage camera that Ron is trying to work falls apart and Ron just goes with the flow, yelling for someone to bring him another camera.

Since Stacy worked out alright in her lesbian scene, Ron gets her a job on the set of a B picture being shot by Jonathan Morgan. This whole set up, including a Bela Lugosi (Jace Rocker) part is straight out of "Ed Wood". Jonathan Morgan was terrific doing Johnny Deep as Ed Wood and it made me wish for a whole porn parody of "Ed Wood" with Morgan in the lead role. And just think, the title's already there: Ed's Got Wood!

Tom Bryon finally gets to California and is trying to force Stacy to go back to Texas with him. Hatcher comes to her rescue, whacks Tom with a guitar and tells Stacy she can come on tour with him. It was great to see another movie that knew how to have an ending that could wind things up.

LPMH had the look of a very cheaply made movie, yet it put a lot of the big budget XXX spoofs to shame with its great comic writing and coherent story. The first and last sex scenes were an integral part of storyline, with the rest of the sex scenes being your standard porn movie conventional set-ups.The sex scenes were even more in line with the length of "Golden Age of Porn" sex scenes. And like many scenes from "The Golden Age", lacked very much heat. The only real flaw in the movie was there was a lot of bad silicone..some REALLY Bad, Bad Boob Jobs...but even taking that into account, I rate this one A-

A Little Piece of My Heart starring Julian, Sindee Coxx, Stacy Valentine, Shay Sweet, Davia Ardell, Alyssa Love, Jace Rocker, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Steve Hatcher and directed by Jace Rocker

THE ONE

Here's a good example of how to make a low budget movie and come out with a winner. It's pretty obvious that all of The One was shot inside one house, so the major part of funding for this movie had to go to the talent and what a line-up of talent there is: Stormy Daniels, Sunny Lane, Katie Morgan, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Jonathan Morgan, and Francois Clousot.

The One was written by Stormy Daniels who, once again, proves how good she is at writing these XXX romantic comedies OR for that matter, just about any movie she has written. The One also has one of the better XXX directors, Jonathan Morgan and one of the better cinematographers, Francois Clousot. Of course all of these great performers/actors/director/cinematographer could still have produced a turkey, but that's definitely not the case with The One.

After a brief opening scene with Stormy and Voodoo arriving at Voodoo's house the movie goes straight to a sex scene. I usually hate it when a movie opens with a sex scene, but this one is necessary to set the plot in motion. Following the sex scene, Stormy, not really meaning to, blurts out "I Love You". This causes Stormy and Voodoo both to go into a mild panic, since neither has had a lot of success when they said those three words to different partners in their pasts.

First up, Voodoo "meets" (all of the "meetings" in this movie are only in the minds of Stormy and Voodoo) Sunny Lane. There's some funny dialogue here, as there is throughout the movie, as Sunny peeks in on Stormy and states "You Know Those Ain't Real" (remember this was written by Stormy). In the flashback, Sunny is sitting around talking about Global Warming(!) with a couple of her girlfriends (Kelly Kline and Delilah Strong) and Voodoo is off to the gym, but as soon as he leaves, we find the political talk was just for Voodoo's sake as the toys come out and we get a g/g/g scene. Voodoo forgets something and returns home (amazingly right as the sex scene is ending !) and finds out what has really been going on and ends this relationship. Next up, we see Stormy in a doomed relationship with Mr. Pete. Stormy wants Mr Pete to go down on her, but he's busy playing a video game and suggests she give him head first. Needless to say, after Mr Pete climaxes, he has no further interest in Stormy and goes right back to his game.

The rest of The One shows us more disastrous relationships that Stormy and Voodoo have had with lovers they have used the words "I Love You" with:

It seems Voodoo's girlfriend Cassie Young's trouble was NOT saying "I Love You", since she said it to everyone. We first see her in a full sex scene with the cable repairman, Randy Spears, but then we also see her saying "I Love You" to the pizza guy, the pool boy, and the plumber.

Evan Stone has a great sleaze ball part as a past lover of Stormy's. It seems their relationship broke up when Stormy caught him with Katie Morgan and Brianna Love. Of course, Evan says, "who you going believe, me or your own lying eyes". This scene gave me a laugh out loud moment watching Evan dance!

Nicole Sheridan does a great turn as Voodoo's VERY jealous over-controlling boss who finally fires him and I mean really "fires" him.

Eric Masterson plays the sensitive lover and cries after Stormy tells him she loves him. Eric actually gets the brush off for being too nice of a guy.

After we see all of these failed past relationships, the movie ends on a happy note. Which brings me to another point, a lot of XXX movies don't know how to have an ending and just sort of sputter to a stop. So it's always nice to see a movie that has a plot that starts and finishes, all with logical sense. The only flaw I can see with The One is the title. I think it could have used a title that would better illustrated what it was going to be about - i.e. - Three Little Words, Three Words, Don't Ever Say That or something along that line. Regardless of the title The One still rates a solid A with me.

The One starring Stormy Daniels, Brianna Love, Cassie Young, Delilah Strong, Katie Morgan, Kelly Kline, Nicole Sheridan, Sunny Lane, Eric Masterson, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Randy Spears, Voodoo and directed by Jonathan Morgan

The BIG LEBOWSKI - A XXX PARODY

Wow! I knew that Lee Roy Myers was no Will Ryder, but I never imagined he could make a train wreck as bad as The Big Lebowski: A XXX Parody (BLX). The first problem with the movie is casting Tom Byron in the lead role. While Tom has had a stoned looked about him for years, the important thing that Lee Roy must have forgotten is that Tom isn't that great of an actor and the lead role really needs someone strong enough to give some believability to the part, since they will be carrying most of the movie. On a positive note, Tom was either given good direction in how to ape the body language of Jeff Bridges from The Big Lebowski or he has really studied the movie, since this was the one thing that was spot on.

The actual plot of BLX makes very little sense UNLESS you have seen the original movie. Myers removed large parts of the original plot and makes references to some events that have already occurred off screen. This might be fine for those familiar with The Big Lebowski; however, the end result for BLX is one more incoherent mess.


BLX starts off pretty much on the wrong foot, we have the scene inside Lebowski's house where the hoods come to demand money that's owed to Jackie Treehorn. Only this time, there's 3 of them, 2 guys and a female, While one guy beats on Tom the other two have sex. But it's not the splooge (the movie's word, not mine) on the rug that's the problem, it's the splooge on The Dude's porno tapes. An aside: BLX is on 2 discs, one has the party version (what kind of Fucking party this is going to be played at, I'm not sure....I know they nixed the idea, when I suggested it for my nephew's birthday party!). Anyway, the party version has the plot, shorter sex scenes, and no pop shots. Since the plot requires a pop shot on The Dude's tapes, the party version has already gone astray.


At the bowling alley we meet the Donnie and Walter characters and both did a great job in their characterizations. However, at one point they have Walter say "this isn't Amsterdam, there's rules" (in the original movie it's Vietnam), in later dialogue Walter says Vietnam instead of Amsterdam. This is either the fault of a poorly written script or a poorly edited movie, since there is no consistency. Could be either, since Lee Roy takes credit for the script and for co-editing.

The scene where The Dude goes to visit the "real" Lebowski (who collects Beta porn tapes) to get reimbursed for his destroyed tapes is pretty good. The "real" Lebowski in BLX has erectile dysfunction instead of loss of his legs as the character does in"The Big Lebowski". In the scene where Bunny (Brianna Blair) says that she'll suck The Dude's cock for $1,000 and Brad (Evan Stone) will have to pay an extra $100.00 if he wants to watch, The Dude whips out his checkbook and writes a check for $1,100 to cover him and Brad.


Up next is probably the best scene in BLX with James Deen playing Jesus. Since Deen had the Jesus role down perfectly, I could only think, what if they had given Deen the lead in BLX, how much better this movie could have been. The only downfall of this scene is the really ill fitting jump suit, but then I guess by this point in the movie I shouldn't have been surprised about lack of detail. If Carlos Santana ever sees this movie, I'm pretty sure there will be a lawsuit, because they really ripped off "Smooth" for the music during James Deen's sex scene.

The Dude settles in and watches "Logjammin". The scene starts pretty good with Steve Holmes in a very bad blond wig, and he mispronounces "cable" as "cabal" which was the way the character pronounced it in "The Big Lebowski". However, only moments later he pronounces it "cable", just another example of no one paying very much attention to what they were supposed to be parodying.


Before the famous Dude flying scene (mashed up with when The Dude got slipped a mickey at Jackie Treehorn's), BLX warns the viewer that things aren't going to be following the regular movie. DUH!!! If a fan of "The Big Lebowski" hasn't figured that out by this point in the movie they're never going to figure it out.

Kimberly Kane shows up near the end of the movie as Maude and she really looks the part, of course she also still looks like Scully from The Sex Files: A Dark XXX Parody. During her sex scene, I really thought I was watching Scully and The Dude get it on. This was NOT the fault of the movie, just my own addled porn brain.

At the end of the movie, Evan Stone makes another appearance, this time playing The Stranger. Of course the makers of BLX couldn't even go to the trouble to get a sarsaparilla bottle for the scene (I can even buy Sioux City Sarsaparilla at my local grocer!). Evan sports a really bad fake mustache in this scene, rivaling the bad wig of Steve Holmes for the award for worst costuming in BLX. The most discouraging part of this scene is that the dialogue covers the fact that they had to leave out of a lot of the story, but there could always be a sequel. PLEASE, I BEG, FOR EVERYONE'S SAKE, DON'T LET LEE ROY MYERS DO ANOTHER BLX!!!!

There are EVEN more things wrong with BLX than what I have mentioned above, but I didn't want to go over each and every thing that was wrong, just hit some of the main highlights that spring readily to mind after my viewing. BLX would have gotten an F, but since I did get a few laughs and a few of the actors did a good job with their roles, I'm going to rate this one a D-

SEINFELD: A XXX PARODY

A lot of this parody was going to rest on the lead actor playing Jerry Seinfeld (called Gerry in this parody). James Deen did a really good job of copying Seinfeld's mannerisms and speech patterns. He even had a couple of segments where, just like on the TV show, we see him doing stand-up. The first routine is about the word "pornography" and this opens the movie, just like a short stand up segment would kick off the TV show.


The plot of Seinfeld: A XXX Parody (SX) revolves around The Porn Nazi instead of the The Soup Nazi. Evan Stone is almost unrecognizable in his wig and mustache as The Porn Nazi, and as usual he does great job with his characterization. It seems that The Porn Nazi always has the newest and best porn, but you must stand in line, tell him what type of porn you want and he will give you what he wants you to have. If you don't follow all of these rules....then...NO PORN FOR YOU! Of course Elaina doesn't follow these rules and she gets no porn. Gerry followed the rules and Elaina goes home with Gerry to watch his movie....cue sex scene. Elaina is played by the Latina porn star Kristina Rose and she looks somewhat like Elaine and in her non-sex parts in the movie does a good job with her characterization. However, during her sex scene, she doesn't come even close to staying in character plus she's very submissive and I always thought Elaine would be as forceful in bed as she was out of bed.


Elaina has become obsessed with the idea that she must get some porn from The Porn Nazi, but once again she gets turned down. The only way to get her hands on one of his tapes is go through his assistant, who promises she will reveal The Porn Nazi's distributor to Elaina...cue g/g sex scene.


Meanwhile Eric John who makes a very bad Crammer (not only in looks, but his acting is also very bad) is bored with his porn collection, but he doesn't want to give into The Porn Nazi. Crammer decides he will make his own movie and this leads to a scene with him wandering onto the set of a XXX movie in progress. They think he's the talent sent for the two girls who have already started the scene, of course, this works out fine for Crammer.


Crammer still wants to shoot his own movie and decides he can help spice up Gorge's (Steve Pomerants) love life at the same time by filming Gorge's fiance having sex. Gorge is excited about the prospect; however, his excitement soon ends when he finds out that Crammer's idea is to make the movie using a real porn star instead of Gorge. Of course, this really upsets Gorge, but nothing compared to later when he finds out that Norman has left Crammer's tape at The Porn Nazi's shop.

Meanwhile, in a nod to the episode where Jerry couldn't remember the name of the girl he was dating, we have Gerry's new girlfriend Ragina (in this XXX version we have Ragina/Vagina, in the TV version We had Dolores/Clitoris). Anyway, Ragina gets on Gerry's nerves because she is too orgasmic about everything and they have an argument and she leaves him. Ragina goes to straight to the The Porn Nazi's shop, but instead of renting porn from him, she winds up having sex with him.

The end of SX has Gerry doing a closing monologue just like the TV show, this one about big fake breasts. We get another nod to a Seinfeld episode when Cassandra Calogera demonstrates that her breasts are real and spectacular. This turns into a sex scene right there on stage in the club. This was a really bad way to close out the movie. As they would say on that SNL skit.. REALLY... REALLY... All the other sex scenes can fit into the plot, but you have to spoil the good work who've done on the plot by having the viewer assume that Gerry would have sex while the audience watched ....REALLY!!!

The set decoration of Gerry's apartment is top notch and looks pretty much like it did in the early episodes of Seinfeld. The laugh track on SX was really irritating, I don't know if it was too loud, the laughs weren't place properly or what, but it just got on my nerves. The sex scenes had too many close up shots to the point where it caused the LONG scenes to become even more boring....Come On! Lee Roy, at least let us see who's involved in the action! Once again, Lee Roy Meyers has only made a pretty good movie. It seems he's capable of getting some elements as good as you're going to see in these parodies. Unfortunately, there's always too many flaws in his movies for them to rate anything higher than above average and SX holds true, since I'm rating this one a B-

Seinfeld: A XXX Parody starring Sasha Grey, Kristina Rose, Ashlynn Brooke, Sadie West, Tony Desergio, Cassandra Calogera, London Keyes, Natalie Norton, Eric John, James Deen, Evan Stone and directed by Lee Roy Meyers

WHITE RABBIT

I've seen movies like White Rabbit before, whether due to lack of funds OR overreaching their own talent, the director produces a movie that is cheap looking and shamefully dull. White Rabbit fits this criteria for me and I think it's probably due to a combination of the two. There's no doubt that there was very little money put into the production, evident by the cheap costuming and even cheaper set decorations. Michael Raven directed White Rabbit early in his career, and I think he just hadn't developed all the skills yet which would eventually allow him to make such modern greats as Love For The First Time, Perfect Match, and The Visitors and some lesser works like Black Widow and Watchers.

Allison (Sunset Thomas) is bored at her birthday party. When she blows out the candles on her cake and makes a wish, she is suddenly in another world with Eric Price who takes her to The Looking Glass Motel. At the motel, Allison eats some marmalade that causes her to hallucinate and Scotty Schwartz (Flick from The Christmas Story....YES, THAT FLICK!!, the one who got his tongue stuck to the light pole....THANKFULLY, his tongue doesn't get stuck to anything in this movie!!!) leads Allison around to what is basically a succession of different sex scenes. The worst scene being The Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum pair of women who are very sloppily painted red and blue. The marmalade eventually wears off and Alice...excuse me..Allison has one final sex scene with Eric Price who originally brought her to the motel.

Everything about this movie was B-A-D: the story, the costumes, the music, the sex scenes and the sets were all below average. I'm not sure who would like this movie...Golden Age fans would be disappointed in the storyline and lack of discernible parody, Modern Age fans would be disappointed in the lack of production and the sex scenes. Since I'm a fan of both categories, I used the FF button continuously throughout this movie, so I'm grading this one a D

White Rabbit starring Nina Hartley, Jill Kelly, Inari Vachs, Mia Smiles, Gina Ryder, Nikki Tyler, Julie Meadows, Sunset Thomas, Teri Starr, George Kaplan, T.T. Boy, Ian Daniels, Brian Surewood, Eric Price, Alec Metro and directed by Michael Raven

A FORMAL FAUCETT

How bad is this movie...even the lead actress, Dorothy LeMay, has been quoted as saying; "She ran out of the theater crying after seeing her first film A Formal Faucett, she felt that it was a "disaster" because her voice was dubbed over with someone else's, and it "didn't make sense". She had worked on A Formal Faucett 18 hours a day for three days. The experience bothered her so much that she considered getting out of the business.

The idea for the movie and the fact that Dorothy LeMay was cast in the lead role was because she was supposed to be a lookalike for Farrah Fawcett. Below are photos of Dorothy and Farrah - I guess I could make some snide remark here, but I'll let you be the judge...maybe my eyesight is too good!!


As for the movie not making any sense, I'll have to agree with Dorothy there. The movie appears that it is going to be a spoof of Charlie's Angels: A Formal Faucett has a mysterious voice on the phone (Paul Thomas) giving call girls their assignments....yes, that's correct...not spy assignments....sexual liaisons assignments. And that's as close to anything resembling Charlie's Angels that you are going to see in this movie.

Here are the only notes I made when I watched A Formal Faucett: All the actors seem to be very uninspired. The lead actress is one of the worst porn actresses I have ever seen. Her only acting ability is rolling her eyes back in her head...actually it got to be funny watching her do this after a while. Thankfully, the movie is very short.

Ms. Lemay had done some loops previous to her appearance in this, her first feature film. I understand that she is lauded for some of her future work, none of which I have seen, and that she was even inducted into the AVN Hall of Fame in 1998. So, I'm guessing Dorothy improved after this first feature. As it is, considering what she thought of the movie, I don't think she would argue with my grade of F

A Formal Faucett starring Dorothy LeMay, Desiree Cousteau, Laurie Blue, Norma Jean, Guy Austin, Tina Austin, Paul Thomas and directed by Fred Lincoln

NOT REALLY The DUKES of HAZZARD

When making these XXX parodies, there are a couple of things that help make the movie good or bad: the performers should have some resemblance to the actors they are portraying and the sets should look authentic. Unfortunately, Not Really Dukes of Hazzard (DOH) fails in both aspects.

The first scene has Bo (Bill Bailey, whose wig I think must have been attached to his hat) luring Alexis Texas' father (James Bartholet) away from the house so Luke can have sex with her. With his dark wig, Anthony Rosano playing Luke looks like Andy Samberg from Saturday Night Live, a turn-off in itself. This results in a 25 minute sex scene opening the movie, which in my opinion, is never a good idea with these XXX parodies. Even though Alexis keeps the scene interesting and actually remembers one time to stay in character and call Anthony "Luke". I'd already lost a lot of interest in the movie at this point. After they both get dressed, we hear the horn sound from the General Lee and Luke dashes out and hops in the car with Bo and we FINALLY arrive at the title sequence with James Bartholet doing the voice over as Waylon Jennings did in the original version. Bartholet is usually pretty reliable as a non sex actor, but he makes no effort to convince us that we are hearing Jennings voice. Hell, they probably could have gotten Shooter to do it if they had asked, since he's something of a wild child anyway.

The title includes a mild chase scene, which is looped to make it appear longer than it really was. At least we get to see one character that actually looked their part - The General Lee! I should note here that both Bill Bailey and Anthony Rosano have trouble during the movie either getting in or out of the welded shut doors of The General Lee, further taking away from any credence that you are watching The Dukes of Hazzard. Either a little practice OR the director doing re-shoots OR some closer editing could have easily solved this problem. But, when you're just cranking one of these parodies out (no pun intended), details seem to fall by the wayside.

Following the titles we get dialogue and a scene that are out of order: Enos (Dane Cross) reports that he has pulled over a woman driver, then we switch to the scene where NOW Enos is pulling over the driver (once again, sloppy film making or editing). Of course it's Daisy Duke (Ryder Skye), who actually sort of looks like Cathrine Bach - in the long shots - IF YOU SQUINT!! Needless to say, we're in for another 25 minute sex scene. Since there were lots of bad wigs in DOH, I can't point out anyone who got the worst one; however, Dane Cross was certainly given the worst costume, everything from his hat, to his badge, to his gun looked cheap and wrong, even his clothes didn't fit. As an added bonus, the combination of Dane Cross and Ryder Skye managed to produce one of the dullest sex scenes I have seen in a long time.

Daisy gets fired because having sex with Enos (to prevent a ticket) made her late for work again. But luckily! she can now enter the wet t-shirt contest Boss Hogg is putting on. Of course, since this is Boss Hogg, he has rigged the contest and has fixed it for Monique Alexander to win. We then cut to a sex scene already in progress between Monique and Cooter (Mark Wood, who looks like he chould be a brother of Dave and Phil Alvin from The Blasters). I haven't seen Monique in a while, but it appears she has been getting a lot of nice colorful tattoos since I last caught up with her. It was pretty obvious that the director, Anton Slayer, found Mark Wood lacking in the looks department, since his head rarely appears in the sex scene (that's the head on his shoulders I'm talking about). While Monique knows how to have a sex scene and has a great natural body, I still had to fast forward through another LONG scene.

I'm gonna sum up the rest of the movie, since even writing about DOH is boring me. Bo picks up Shawna Lenee, who has come into town for the contest...sex scene. Uncle Jesse gets arrested for making moonshine (with a milk can and a few pieces of pipe.....my award for worse moonshine still EVER!). Daisy has to distract Monique's father so Monique can be in the contest...sex scene...Daisy wins..Shawna is Cooter's wife...Uncle Jesse is freed from jail with funds Daisy won from the wet t-shirt contest.

There wasn't one actor in this movie that looked their part....Uncle Jesse (Carl Fredrick Coughlan) must have been cast because he had a gray beard and maybe he owned his own overalls! Rosco (Ray Marlay) looked too old for the part AND if they hadn't called him Roscoe, I don't think I would even have known who he was portraying. Boss Hogg (Allen Moffat) had a white suit and was fairly large, but couldn't act to save his life. The sets: It appears that several of the scenes took place at the same cabin, just different rooms or different locations on the outside of the cabin. The outdoor scenes could have been filmed anywhere and I suspect that some were in the cabin's driveway. Boss' place was super cheap looking (a stage and some folding chairs) and even Cooter's garage appeared to be just a large carport!

This was Vouyer Media's first foray into the world of porn spoofs. I was hoping that it would be their last, BUT, I see they have already done a parody of Taxi with Anton Slayer helming that project also. I had seen two Anton Slayer movies previously: This Ain't The Munsters (excellent) and This Ain't Gilligan's Island (terrible) giving him a 50 per cent batting average with me. Since I'm rating this one a D, Anton now rates 33 1/3 percent with me. I'm DEFINITELY not looking forward to his Taxi parody. I guess you say, "Mr. X-Ray, why not just don't watch it"......because I'M WEAK WILLED or WEAK MINDED, take your pick, when it comes to these porn parodies; I just can't help myself!!!

Not Really The Dukes of Hazzard starring Alexis Texas, Anthony Rosano, Monique Alexander, Shawna Lenee, Dane Cross, Ryder Skye, Mark Wood and directed by Anton Slayer

YAHOO!!! HILLBILLY PORN

Being from The South, I'm used to how Hollywood productions sometimes portray us all as just a bunch of redneck hicks. And as a matter of fact, some of us are a bunch of redneck hicks! That's why it comes as no surprise when porn movies basically use the same cliches when making a movie set in Dixieland. Below is a trio of movies all using The South as a theme, all with varying degrees of success.


Carmen Goes South (CGS) is set in Texas, which if you ask anyone from The South, they'll be mighty glad to tell you that Texas AIN'T The South. For that matter, I'm pretty sure if you know anyone from Texas, they would tell you they're TEXANS, not SOUTHERNERS. Of course, if you're David Stanley from California, born in Minnesota, Texas probably seems like The South to you.


The humor in CGS was broad but written with a deft comic touch. CGS was lucky to also have the great comic XXX actor Steven St. Croix included in the cast, alongside Barrett Blade and David Stanley (non sex role, photo below) who both almost came up to St. Croix's level of wackiness. Carmen shines in her role as the titular character (I have yet to see a XXX feature in which she was anything but excellent). The other female performers: August, Ryder Skye, and Exotica all seemed to realize they were making a comedy and held their own with their male co-stars. As you know, this isn't always the case, since a lot of times a XXX movie will hinge on the males acting and the female performing.


A voice over by Randy Spears starts the movie letting us know that what we are seeing are tapes, ala Blair Witch Project, that were found after the whole crew disappeared. The movie then starts and we're shown that Carmen is such a diva that when she gets bored, she just orders her assistant Ryder Skye go down on her creating the first sex scene.


Carmen next meets the family of the winner of the "Win A Date With Carmen" contest, but not the winner himself. The family runs their own version of a backwoods sex industry and is helmed by David Stanley and includes August, Steven St. Croix, Barrett Blade and Exotica. There's also someone who looks like Leatherface from Texas Chainsaw Massacre running around in the woods. We get a look at hillbilly phone sex (tin cans with string) which results in a sex scene between Exotica and Barrett Blade. It seems the family also has its own disco and we have a sex scene between Ryder Skye, Exotica, and Barrett Blade. This is a very annoying scene because of the disco lights constantly flashing into the camera. I won't give away the end of the movie, but there's a plot twist when Carmen finally meets the contest winner, Marcus London.


Carmen Goes South turned out to be on the level of one of Jonathan Morgan's comic XXX movies. And thankfully the sex scenes weren't the mind numbing long ones that I usually get to complain about. I'm no big fan of David Stanley; I can appreciate the fact that he does try to do something different when making XXX movies, but I have only seen one of his movies that I considered outstanding and it just happens to be Carmen Goes South. I grade this one A-


Next up is Hillbilly Honeys written and directed by Jace Rocker. I droned on for probably too long with the plot of Carmen Goes South, but I can actually sum up the plot to Hillbilly Honeys fairly succinctly: Two feuding families live on a mountain that is rich in uranium and the government needs to get both families to sign a lease, so they send Peter North, who is related to one of the families to get the job done. Hilarity ensues!.....and of course.....Sex ensues!

The humor and the acting in Hillbilly Honeys is the "over the top" cornball type, which is still funny, IF you're in the mood for it and I was. The accents are straight out of the "this is the way I think hicks talk" book, but that's WHEN the actors could remember that they were supposed to be doing an accent. Even the bad wigs and especially the beards are so stupid they're funny. Peter North was especially bad with his acting, I've seen him do much better, so I'm not sure what he was trying to covey with his flat line readings. The outstanding actor in the ensemble is Jonathan Morgan, who as we all know, went on to direct his own great comic XXX movies. Unfortunately, the sex scenes were all "by the numbers" with none generating much heat. Hillbilly Honeys didn't come anywhere close to matching Carmen Goes South, but it's still not a bad movie and I grade it C+


And last and certainly least: Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2. I have no idea why I rented this movie. I'm pretty sure I confused it with something else or maybe I was just having a brain cramp at the time. Anyway, Farmer's Filthy Li'l Daughter #2 was classified as a feature, but it should really be classified as a vignette, since there is just a bare minimum of a stupid plot that ties the scenes together. I rate this one a solid D

SLEEPING AROUND

Stormy proves once again that she's a triple threat as she writes, directs and stars in the XXX romantic comedy Sleeping Around. This is a tale of two sisters: Stormy, a high powered business woman who's more interested in sex than love; and her sister Eva Angelina, a shy coffee shop employee who's more interested in love than sex.

Eva has a date with Randy Spears (in full slime ball mode) who with some smooth lines and light persistence talks Eva into bed. The next day Eva tells Stormy all about Randy and how she thinks he's the "one". Eva can't wait for him to call her again....needless to say, Randy ain't calling...as far as he was concerned, it was a one night stand. At the coffee shop, another waiter, Eric Masterson (in full geek mode) sees how despondent Eva is and jokingly offers to have Randy killed. It's pretty obvious that Eric has a big crush on Eva, but just like in any mainstream version of this type movie....she can't see it.

Stormy decides to take Eva out to a club to get her mind off Randy. At the club Van Damage offers to buy them drinks, but Stormy rudely brushes him off. In the meantime Eva has seen Randy leave the club with two other women, Haley Paige and Sammie Rhodes. Eva rushes out and follows him in her car. Stormy leaves the club to follow her sister, but finds she has a flat tire. Van offers to change it for her and we also find out that he's a doctor. While this seems to be an unimportant detail at the time, it plays into the plot later. Stormy agrees to give Van a ride home since she feels bad about how she treated him inside the club.

Back at Randy's, we find him using the same lines on his two new conquests that he used on Eva. Randy has talked Haley and Sammie into making out with each other, but the action is interrupted when he hears a knock at the door. It's Eva who has come to tell him off, but Randy just slams the door in her face. She winds up trying to drive home, but is so upset she just parks on the side of the road where she is found by Stormy and Van.

Sleeping Around skips ahead a month and we find Stormy and Van Damage in a relationship. He asks her to meet him at a restaurant where unbeknown to Stormy he is going to introduce her to his parents. Van Damage gets beeped for an emergency (see I told you, him being a doctor would come back into play), and while he's gone Stormy is hit on....by none other than....you guessed it....Randy Spears. She let's him take her back to her place, where Stormy uses the same moves Randy used on her sister. This makes Randy suspicious and he tries to get away from Stormy, but she forces him into her bedroom and handcuffs him to her bed. Stormy is dissatisfied with Randy's sexual performance and let's him know about it. Stormy leaves the bedroom and re-enters wearing a strap-on. Cut to next morning and Randy, laying on his stomach, is professing his love for Stormy, but she leaves him cold as revenge for her sister.

Stormy gets to tell Eva about exacting revenge for her and this helps Eva move on with her life. Eva finally recognized that Eric is the one for her and the final sex scene finds the two of them in his sci-fi bedroom with Eva showing up in costume to further Eric's sci-fi fantasies. Eric has a funny line here with "Houston, we have liftoff! This is just one of many funny lines throughout the movie showing Stormy's deft touch at writing light comedy.

Sleeping Around didn't break a lot of new ground for a romantic comedy, but Stormy was successfully able to use the same mainstream conventions within a XXX setting. Unlike most mainstream movies, there was a twist with Stormy's own life not working out with a "happy ever after" ending, When Van found out she had had sex with someone else, he dumped her, thus ruining her own relationship. Stormy's movies give a perspective not always seen in XXX features, that women are as powerful as men. It just so happened that the power that Stormy possessed wound up resulting in her own unhappiness. I rate this one a B+

Sleeping Around starring Eva Angelina, Stormy Daniels, Sammie Rhodes, Van Damage, Marcus London, Holly Wellin, Haley Paige, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Scott Styles and directed/written by Stormy Daniels

WHAT ARE FRIENDS FOR?

The movie starts out on the wrong track for me. As I've stated over and over: People in porn watching porn on TV is just a cheating way to get another porn scene in the movie. This first scene shouldn't have surprised me since this is a David Stanley movie and it appears to be one of his favorite plot devices for inserting a sex scene.

The plot of What Are Friends For? finally gets to the point with Randy's wife (Jassie) telling him she want's him to give his sperm to a lesbian couple (Alana Evans and Courtney Simpson) so they can have a baby. Next scene up, the lesbian couple make Randy sit away from them and cover his face, because they can't stand to look at a penis. They give him a harmonica so they won't have to hear him moan. The lesbian couple proceed to have sex with Randy peeping at them and masturbating, all the while blowing his harmonica. This sounds like it would be really funny but it didn't do anything for me, I actually found it irritating to the point I was glad when the scene was over.

Meeting up with Randy in the kitchen, Courtney reveals that it's just Alana who can't stand to see a penis. To prove her point (?), this somehow winds up with her giving Randy a hand job. I will give Stanley credit for a this scene, a "hand job only" scene is outside what you normally see in any feature XXX production.

Nearing the last part of the movie. it picked up some steam, especially when the crazy homeopathic doctor played by Evan Stone shows up. Unfortunately this was the only part of What Are Friends For? that I found amusing. This leads to the final sex scene with Jassie, Alana, Courtney, and Evan and ends on a really STUPID note. To collect Evan's sperm Courtney holds a test tube in her mouth while Evan climaxes. Of course most of his spunk goes on her face and very little into the tube. Why not have Courtney, once again, use her hand and have Evan come into the test tube? Why didn't she just do that when she was with Randy? Why do I keep watching David Stanley movies, when I'm constantly disappointed??????
I rate this one a D+

What Are Friends For starring Alana Evans, Jassie, Courtney Simpson, Evan Stone, Randy Spears and directed by David Stanley

NOT MARRIED WITH CHILDREN XXX #2

All the main players are back with Eric Swiss excellent as Al Bundy and Brittany O'Connell great in the role of Peg Bundy. To me, I still feel like Kagney Linn Carter and Dane Cross are not cast correctly as Kelly and Bud. I just never get the feeling I'm seeing Kelly and Bud like I do with Eric and Brittany's portrayals of Al and Peg. Much better in their characters are India Summer (who once again gets the bad porno parody wig) and Dino Bravo as next door neighbors Marcie and Steve.

The plot in Not Married With Children XXX 2 (NMC2) finds the Bundy family barely making ends meet. Luckily, Bud knows a girl that will get him the winning lotto numbers for $1,000. Al takes a chance and ponies up the money. Surprisingly the numbers are good and The Bundys win a million dollars. Al keeps his job at the shoe store, but he can now dole out money to the family freely....at least for a while....OH,COME ON NOW....You didn't actually think there wasn't going to be a hitch to his winnings did you?

This is a very well constructed movie, as I have come to expect from Will Ryder. The plot was just like one you would have seen on the TV show. The sets and the acting were both good and I laughed many times while watching NMC2. The sex scenes were in my opinion too long, but they were integrated into the plot and flowed with the story. My problem with NMC2 is that I got the feeling "been there, seen that". I'm rating it a B but I'm sure it would have rated higher, IF I hadn't already seen the first Not Married With Children XXX.

Not Married With Children XXX #2, starring Kagney Linn Karter, India Summer, Faye Reagan, Brittany O'Connell, Eric Swiss, Jessica Bangkok, Madelyn Marie, James Bartholet, Dino Bravo, Farrah Foxx, Barrett Blade, Scott Lyons, directed by Will Ryder and written by Will Ryder under the pen name Jeff Mullen

HAPPY 4th of JULY from MR. X-RAY

LOVE FOR THE FIRST TIME

The first Michael Raven movie I ever saw was "The Visitors" and it was great, but then I watched two more Michael Raven movies: "Black Widow" and "Watchers" and neither one impressed me very much. Since Love For The First Time was directed and written by Michael Raven, I was a little bit skeptical about renting it; but, I thought I would take a chance, since it starred two of my favorite adult actors: Carmen Hart and Randy Spears. To my surprise I found that Love For The First Time (LFFT) was one of the better XXX features I have viewed in quite a while.

The movie is loosely based on The 40 Year Old Virgin. LFFT opens with Randy Spears waking up alone in his bed and riding his bike to work. We know Randy is a nerd because he has repaired his glasses with tape (ok that's a really a cliched short hand way to identify a nerd). At work, we meet Randy's co-workers: chronic masturbator Mr Marcus and "wigger" Barrett Blade. Randy's two co-workers "out" him as a virgin and decide they will do some charity work by getting Randy laid. We also get the feeling that even though Mr Marcus and Barrett talk a good game of sex, a lot of it is just talk and they may not be as experienced as they want everyone to think.


LFFT cuts to Carmen Hart who is alone in her bed having a sex dream. It was refreshing that the movie had opened with plot and comedy instead of rushing right into a sex scene. This first sex scene is shot with a hazy look and only runs around 12 minutes (which most of the sex scenes do). What a relief to have sex scenes that didn't run into mind-numbing length. I would like to mention, without getting too "Sex In The City" on you, that Carmen wears a pair of spiked heeled boots in this scene and, I swear, I saw these same boots or similar ones on other performers throughout the movie.


The boys take Randy to a bar where Barrett, still trying to do good deeds, finds that you can't buy a man a drink or he'll think you're gay. This also sets the stage for us seeing Carmen Hart at work as the bartender. Barrett returns to the table and barmaid Ryder Skye comes over for their order. Mr Marcus is gobsmacked by her and can't say a word....and we see the sexual fantasy he is having about her.


The guys take Randy to a strip club where his path crosses once again with Carmen. Lindsey Meadows, Carmen's roommate, has also taken Carmen to the strip club with her. It's amateur night and Lindsey is going to show Carmen how to loosen up in hopes of getting Carmen laid.....it seems Carmen is also a Virgin! It should be noted that Lindsey plays a very understated role as the best friend/roommate and she's so good that you might not even notice that fact.

After a sex scene in the movie where the boys buy Randy a VIP lap dance that turns into a bj, the guys head out for a party and of course Carmen and Lindsey are at the same party. To Barrett's surprise, Lindsey is actually agreeable to having sex with him. He's stunned but tells her he'll have to stop by his place first to get his hair products. A sex scene then follows.


At the party, Randy follows the guys advice: make the girl feel uncomfortable, then he will be able to feel comfortable in any situation. This isn't working on Carmen and whens she tells Randy that he's making her uncomfortable, he apologizes and becomes himself. This leads to the duo dating for six months and Carmen finally having to tell Randy that she's ready to have sex. Carmen asks Randy if he has any protection and he pulls out a LARGE handful of condoms. As she goes off to get ready, there's a funny bit where Randy experiments with the rubbers. Carmen returns and we have a 20 minute sex scene, but since this is what the movie has been building up to, it seems logical to let this scene run on a little longer.

LFFT had great writing from start to finish, the plot made logical sense and the sex scenes fit into the flow of the movie and, as mentioned previously, weren't mind numbingly long. All the actors were way more than good in their roles and Barrett Blade provided the movie with a lots of comic moments. There's even a cameo by Ron Jeremy in a non-sex role, and while unnecessary for the movie, I seem to never tire of seeing The Legend. The only very slight problem I had with the movie was some of the music used an organ (no pun intended) that sounded like Ray Manzarek of The Doors was let loose to jam (which would never be a good idea), but even with that minor quibble I'm still rating this one a solid A

Love For The First Time, written and directed by Michael Raven and starring Mr Marcus, Carmen Hart, Ryder Skye, Lindsey Meadows, TJ Cummings, Abbey Brooks, Randy Spears, Barrett Blade