SPACE NUTS

Living in The Bible Belt and also in a city that is home to Bob Jones University, getting porn movies has always been something of a challenge. Back before VHS you occasionally ran across someone that had an 8mm stag movie and that was about it. How Greenville, SC, managed to have a XXX movie theater on Main Street (see photo on sidebar) back in the late 60s and early 70s is still a mystery to me. We also had a XXX drive-in movie theater up the road in Spartanburg, SC....and here's the kicker....you had to know someone who could get you a membership card before you could get in....thankfully, I had a terrific Uncle Bob who got me one....so "Bob's Your Uncle" and I possessed a card (that joke is just for my UK and anglophile readers). Along came VHS and some of the small Mom and Pop shops tried to rent porn and were constantly busted by the police. I am still thankful to them for the times, between busts, that I could rent XXX videos.

All of the above is just a preamble to how thankful I was one day in 2006 when I read an article where Tori Spelling talked about renting porn by mail. My only awareness of Tori Spelling was that she was the daughter of Aaron and had been on some TV shows, none of which I had ever watched. When I read the following quote: ""My husband Dean McDermott and I also belong to this service that's like a porn Netflix.....The Netflix DVDs come in a red package and the porn ones come in a blue one, so we're like, "Oooh! A Netflix arrived!" or "Oooh! A porn arrived!" I became a fan of hers for life....curiously, to date I still have never seen her in any TV show or TV movie, but I won't "cotton" to anyone saying anything bad about Tori!!

After all that long winded explanation, I'm finally getting around to the movie I'm going to discuss for my 100th review. In 2004 HBO had a show called "Pornucopia" and part of that show was about the making of Space Nuts, a big budget XXX comedy with a plot. It reminded me of some of the older plot based movies I had seen years ago, albeit with a much bigger budget. I checked out Tori's recommendation and joined the online porn movie rental company with Space Nuts being one of the first movies I received.{IF you wonder why I'm not mentioning the rental company, their service was very slow and I eventually switched to another company}. Since I felt that review #100 should have some type of significance, I decided to watch Space Nuts again. It is a real rarity for me to watch a XXX movie more than once.

Space Nuts doesn't spoof any certain movie, but takes parts of "2001: A Space Odyssey", "Star Trek", "Star Wars", "Buck Rogers", and who knows what else, mixes them all together, adds in some special effects and produces an outstanding movie in the world of XXX. Space Nuts was directed and co-written by Jonathan Morgan, who has, as many of you know from my past reviews, become one of my favorite go-to directors when I'm looking for a good XXX movie. It also stars some top talent: Mike Horner, Jessica Drake, Evan Stone, Stormy Daniels, Katie Morgan, Randy Spears, Devinn Lane, Jessica Drake, Kaylani Lei, Kyle Stone, and even a cameo by Ron Jeremy.

The plot centers around Princess Hubba Hubba (Stormy) who is fleeing her galaxy (the Clitoran system) from the Evil Overlord (Mike Horner - unrecognizable under a prosthetic mask) who wants to marry her and control her empire. Assisting the Evil Overlord are the Dark Witch (Devinn Lane) and General Warts (Kyle Stone). On the side of good with the Princess are Buzz Starfokker (Evan Stone) and the android Jeeves (Randy Spears).

Space Nuts had a big budget for a XXX feature (reportedly $200,000) and it looks like a lot of that money was invested in special effects with some of the effects (definitely not all) being on the level of mainstream studio productions. They also didn't cut corners on costuming or make-up, something porn features are sometimes apt to do. With the effects, the costumes, the acting, the great comic writing all added together, you get one damn good movie....How good is it? They could remove the ten sex scenes (which were all too long anyway at the modern 20+ minute length) and I would still without hesitation recommend this movie to anyone who likes a good spoof.

Space Nuts starring Jessica Drake, Stormy Daniels, Devinn Lane, Kaylani Lei, Shanna McCullough, Katie Morgan, Kim Chambers, Amber Rain, Casey Pink, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Ron Jeremy, Kyle Stone, Mike Horner, Steve Hatcher, Trevor Zen, Scott Styles, Jim Enright and directed by Jonathan Morgan

BLONDE AMBITION

I recently watched Sextette to review for my other blog, Gonna Put Me In The Movies, and thought it would be "campy" fun, instead it just turned out to be an embarrassment for Mae West and a dull viewing experience for me. Blonde Ambition, on the other hand, fulfilled my desire for camp and comedy.


Sugar and Candy Kane (Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon) are performers in a small Podunk town in Wyoming. They get a call from their manager to come to New York for a job (which turns out to be non-existent). The first sex scene has the girls in their dressing room, which is just another stall in the horse barn. Sugar has sex with her boyfriend (David Morris) on one end of the barn while Candy is doing her make-up on the other end. There are a lot of double entendres spoken during this scene and it's played more for laughs than sex. It seemed strange that Sugar's boyfriend had a huge bald spot (which looked like a fake bald cap) and he wanted to keep his cowboy hat on most of the time....little did I know that this plot point would come into play before the end of the movie. I'm not going to reveal how it came back at the end of the movie, but just wanted to note how well written Blonde Ambition was that it could take a minor bit from the start of the movie and make notation of it again at the end of the movie.


They don't have any funds to get to New York but luckily Eric Edwards and his man servant Richard Bolla are in town picking up a priceless brooch for Eric's aunt and they will fly the girls to New York. Sugar shows him an exact double for his brooch and tells him she bought it on the cheap....there's a fight in the bar and the brooches get switched (like we didn't see that one coming!).

On the plane trip, Candy has sex with Eric and Sugar gives Richard oral sex....well actually a body double (Suzy Mandel did not do any hardcore scenes in the movie) wearing a gray wig (Candy is blonde) gives Richard oral sex. Neither sex scene was very remarkable and both scenes seem to be included in the movie simply as sex scenes with no plot development involved. In New York when the girls find that no job exists, they have to look for other work. The girls get parts in a porn production of Gone With The Wind directed by Jamie Gillis. This has a huge number of people in a choreographed sex scene which is more "campy" than sexual.


Back at the apartment Candy is showering and masturbating while thinking about Eric Edwards, while we see him showering and masturbating thinking about her. This is a particularly odd scene, while seeing a woman masturbate in a porn is nothing out of the ordinary, seeing a man with no female involved masturbating is out of the norm and maybe this had something to do with the directors, who also worked in gay porn.

Eric's aunt, Lady Buckingham, has sent a private detective to check on the two girls. She thinks they are too low class for her nephew and has them pegged as golddiggers. The PI and Candy hook up and of course this results in a sex scene. In the meantime, Sugar has met a frisky couple in an elevator and gone back to their apartment with them. In the apartment, the sex scene begins with the man naked playing a piano while the woman is trying to undress Sugar, but Sugar pulls away and lo and behold the floor is a skating rink and Sugar skates around while undressing. We have now moved from the campy into the surreal!

The girls are both back at the apartment and we find Sugar checking out a guy sunbathing a couple of floors below and she drops the brooch over the balcony. Sugar goes downstairs to the apartment to retrieve it, where the guy (George Payne) has now moved his sunbathing inside under a sunlamp. Sugar finds that it is a gay couple living in the apartment and she's cool with them being gay and agrees to let one of them use her brooch as part of his costume at an upcoming drag show. After he leaves, Suzy still has the hots for the other guy. Since he has protective eyewear on and can't see what is going on, Sugar starts rubbing on him...he thinks it's his partner but when he finds out it's Sugar they have sex anyway!!! I'll let you draw your own conclusions from this scene.

Sugar and Candy want to go to the drag show but are refused admittance, so they disguise themselves as drag queens to get into the club. The dialogue inside the drag club was similar to what I have heard at drag shows, so I assume that a real club or at least some of the real performers were used.


In the meantime Lady Buckingham has found out about the brooch switch and has come to New York to have the ladies arrested. She is easily mistaken for a drag queen and gets into the club, but before she can have the girls arrested, the whole club gets raided and everyone is put in jail. Lady Buckingham finds out that she actually owns that club among all of her other New York property. The girls are such a hit that Eric's aunt buys them their own club. The final scene is a choreographed dance number with Suzy Mandel and Dory Devon at their new club backed by a group of gay dancers.

I would say they don't make them like this anymore, but actually I don't think they really ever made many like this one. My grade A-

Blonde Ambition starring Kurt Mann, Patricia Dale, Molly Malone, Tara Belles, Dory Devon, Jean Joseph, Suzy Mandel, Eric Edwards, George Payne and directed by John and Lem Amero

LUST ON THE ORIENT XPRESS

The back of the box actually has a pretty decent summation of the movie: "Nick (John Leslie) and Nora (Gina Carrera) Chalmers write mystery novels...steamy, sexy mystery novels. In search of plots for their next book, they travel to Europe to experience the passion, desire and intrigue on the legendary Orient Express. Once on board, they discover a cast of shady (and horny) characters including a Potent Potentate and his Hand Job Hand Maiden, Horny Colonel Kittridge, and the anything but Lady Like Ashley and her Sex Starved Secretary - all plotting to steal a priceless diamond. "The Eye of Eros". It's a four day erotic adventure where it's not whodunnit, but who's doing it, that counts."

Lust On The Orient Xpress (LOOX) was made in the waning days of the Golden Age of porn, but definitely qualifies as a Golden Age movie with its well thought out logical plot that progresses the storyline from start to finish. LOOX was a big budget porn in 1986 with scenes shot outside a train, realistic movie sets inside different train cars and even insert shots of a real train pulling in and out of train stations. Another plus are the period costumes that everyone gets to wear. All of these elements add up to a pretty decent movie.

In LOOX, John Leslie proves he was as good an actor as any second string actor in movies and TV during this same time period. Everyone's acting for the most part is pretty good with one exception: Tracey Adams, who tries to do a Cockney accent, but somehow manages to sound American Southern and British at the same time....maybe she's from South London :-)

The worst parts of LOOX are the sex scenes, which are all deadly dull. Without them of course, this wouldn't be a XXX feature, it would just be a fairly decent "Made For TV" movie (actually better than some). The sex scenes were "shoehorned" into the movie, instead of having situations that led naturally to them, making them just as irritating as many sex scenes in modern day XXX features. Even discounting for the sex scenes, this one still rates a solid B


John Leslie, Gina Carrera, Jamie Gillis, Pat Manning, Eric Edwards, Tracey Adams, Andrew Herbert, Keli Richards, Jim Woodman, Paul Thomas, Francis Papillion, Raymond Roberts, F. Powers Gireau, Jennifer Lacy, Nich Kypros and directed by Tim McDonald

CAROLINA JONES and THE BROKEN COVENANT

This movie was shot in Hungary and the location shooting was definitely a plus for Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant (CJ). The very first scene is shot in some caverns as we find Carolina Jones (Ava Rose) after an artifact at a Monastery. She sneaks in disguised as a Monk and happens on Steve Holmes having sex with Nikki Blond, while Dixie (Bree Olsen) is tied up next to them being forced to watch. Why all of this is taking place is never revealed, but it allows Carolina to rescue Dixie and get the artifact. The rescue includes some cheap gore effects that you don't usually see in feature porn movies.

Carolina gets word that her former lover John Brody (James Brossman) has information about The Ark. Dixie has transportation so Carolina reluctantly agrees to let Dixie be her sidekick. Unfortunately, Dixie's truck breaks down and they're forced to hitchhike. Carolina and Dixie get picked up by some guys who want to have sex. What follows comes as a surprise: No sex scene, instead, the guys get their asses kicked and their truck taken from them. Once they reach Brody's mansion, Dixie distracts the guards (now we have a sex scene) enabling Carolina to get into his bedroom.

Brody has been willingly tied up and blindfolded by his sex partner (Roxy Panther) for the night. She has just finished giving him oral sex when Carolina arrives and takes over. Carolina wants to know where the Ark is, so she tortures Brody for the information. There are some special effects where she pours boiling water on him and you can see steam coming off his face as it blisters. He tells her, but Carolina pours honey on Brody's genitals and releases ants into the room as punishment for his past sexual transgressions. While both the boiling water and the ants were cheesy special effects, I've seen just as bad in mainstream cheapo movies.

CJ hits its first really weak spot as a new plot point is introduced when Carolina tells Dixie, Brody is the only man she has ever had sex with. Dixie tells her she needs to have sex with someone else and this sets up a fantasy sex scene with the hotel bellman (David Perry).

In their next attempt to get the Ark, they hook up with Dixie's estranged fiancé (Zenza Raggi), but they wind up having to be rescued from the Nazis who have possession of The Ark by Carolina's father Indy (Tibor Butch, whose only resemblance to the real Indiana Jones is his hat!) . This would have been a great place to end the movie, but like many other pornos, the makers felt it necessary to tack on one more sex scene, this one between Carolina, Dixie, and the fiancé.

CJ reminded me of some of the BETTER late night Skinemax plotted movies. After stating that, there are a few things that really stood out as flaws in CJ: Bree playing the character Dixie uses a Southern accent, but she completely forgets about her accent during her sex scenes. There's also some odd music used throughout CJ that did not fit with the movie, one scene had a blues harmonica in the background that is so out of place it was distracting. As mentioned above, the last sex scene should have been left off since CJ had already come to a logical end. Taking into account these flaws along with the really good parts of the movie, I arrive at a grade of B-

Carolina Jones and The Broken Covenant starring Ava Rose, Bree Olson, Nikki Blond, Roxy Panther, David Perry, Steve Holmes, James Brossman, Zenza Ragg, Tibor Butch and directed by Ethan Kane

A LITTLE PIECE OF MY HEART

I had only seen one Jace Rocker production prior to watching A Little Piece of My Heart (LPMH). I felt that Jace Rocker movie, Hillbilly Honeys, was ok, but it wasn't anything that made me go on a search for any more of his movies. I ran across LPMH while searching for music related movies for my other blog: Gonna Put Me In The Movies.

The description of LPMH touted: "Texas, 1969. Ever feel you've been cheated? Stacy does. Especially after finding her redneck boyfriend in the sack with another girl. She's so pissed she decides to pack her things and head for Hollywood. She soon realizes that things are little different in California. It's the summer of free love and lots of it. From rock stars to sleazy "B" movie directors, she gives them all a little piece...of her heart!!"

Even knowing it was rated XXX and that I wouldn't be able to review it for my other blog; I still wanted to see it, since the title referenced a Janis Joplin song (I know it was originally an Erma Franklin song, but it's primarily identified with Janis) and the description included the words 1969, Rock Stars, and San Francisco. It looked liked it was going to combine both of my main interests in cinema: XXX and Music!

The movie begins in PORT ARTHUR TEXAS, where we find Tom Byron relating his war stories, which leads to a "dick in the box" gag and into the first sex scene. I would like to say a few words about Tom Byron. I have seen him in countless movies over the years and while he is always okay in the acting department, I have never seen him in any role that was memorable until I watch LPMY. He is straight up good and funny in his role as the cheating, lying redneck boyfriend.

Tom's girlfriend, Stacy Valentine, comes home to their trailer and arrives just after he has finished having sex with Shay Sweet. It's pretty obvious as to what has been going on and she packs her bags and heads for San Francisco where she's going to stay with a friend named JANIS, who has moved there.

After her money runs out for the bus ride, Stacy is having to hitchhike and she gets picked up by Steve Hatcher, who takes her home with him. Steve looked liked a cross between Sonny Bono and Jeff Foxworthy and played his role of the laid back stoned hippie musician to perfection. Steve knows Janis and makes a call to let her know that Stacy is in town, but finds out that Janis is on tour in Europe. Stacy decides to stay on in California anyway and Steve sends her to a casting agent that will help her get work in an "art" film.

Stacy's jealous cousin, Alyssa Love, finds out about Stacy's plans to stay in California and right away runs to tell Tom Byron. Tom decides he must go to San Francisco and bring her back to Texas. Of course, being the cheating rat he's always been, he first has to have sex with Alyssa.

The agent turns out to be Ron Jeremy in a non sex role. Ron wants to see how Stacy will work out and gets her to do a lesbian scene with Davia Ardell. There's a pretty funny bit here when the vintage camera that Ron is trying to work falls apart and Ron just goes with the flow, yelling for someone to bring him another camera.

Since Stacy worked out alright in her lesbian scene, Ron gets her a job on the set of a B picture being shot by Jonathan Morgan. This whole set up, including a Bela Lugosi (Jace Rocker) part is straight out of "Ed Wood". Jonathan Morgan was terrific doing Johnny Deep as Ed Wood and it made me wish for a whole porn parody of "Ed Wood" with Morgan in the lead role. And just think, the title's already there: Ed's Got Wood!

Tom Bryon finally gets to California and is trying to force Stacy to go back to Texas with him. Hatcher comes to her rescue, whacks Tom with a guitar and tells Stacy she can come on tour with him. It was great to see another movie that knew how to have an ending that could wind things up.

LPMH had the look of a very cheaply made movie, yet it put a lot of the big budget XXX spoofs to shame with its great comic writing and coherent story. The first and last sex scenes were an integral part of storyline, with the rest of the sex scenes being your standard porn movie conventional set-ups.The sex scenes were even more in line with the length of "Golden Age of Porn" sex scenes. And like many scenes from "The Golden Age", lacked very much heat. The only real flaw in the movie was there was a lot of bad silicone..some REALLY Bad, Bad Boob Jobs...but even taking that into account, I rate this one A-

A Little Piece of My Heart starring Julian, Sindee Coxx, Stacy Valentine, Shay Sweet, Davia Ardell, Alyssa Love, Jace Rocker, Tom Byron, Ron Jeremy, Jonathan Morgan, Steve Hatcher and directed by Jace Rocker

THE ONE

Here's a good example of how to make a low budget movie and come out with a winner. It's pretty obvious that all of The One was shot inside one house, so the major part of funding for this movie had to go to the talent and what a line-up of talent there is: Stormy Daniels, Sunny Lane, Katie Morgan, Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Eric Masterson, Jonathan Morgan, and Francois Clousot.

The One was written by Stormy Daniels who, once again, proves how good she is at writing these XXX romantic comedies OR for that matter, just about any movie she has written. The One also has one of the better XXX directors, Jonathan Morgan and one of the better cinematographers, Francois Clousot. Of course all of these great performers/actors/director/cinematographer could still have produced a turkey, but that's definitely not the case with The One.

After a brief opening scene with Stormy and Voodoo arriving at Voodoo's house the movie goes straight to a sex scene. I usually hate it when a movie opens with a sex scene, but this one is necessary to set the plot in motion. Following the sex scene, Stormy, not really meaning to, blurts out "I Love You". This causes Stormy and Voodoo both to go into a mild panic, since neither has had a lot of success when they said those three words to different partners in their pasts.

First up, Voodoo "meets" (all of the "meetings" in this movie are only in the minds of Stormy and Voodoo) Sunny Lane. There's some funny dialogue here, as there is throughout the movie, as Sunny peeks in on Stormy and states "You Know Those Ain't Real" (remember this was written by Stormy). In the flashback, Sunny is sitting around talking about Global Warming(!) with a couple of her girlfriends (Kelly Kline and Delilah Strong) and Voodoo is off to the gym, but as soon as he leaves, we find the political talk was just for Voodoo's sake as the toys come out and we get a g/g/g scene. Voodoo forgets something and returns home (amazingly right as the sex scene is ending !) and finds out what has really been going on and ends this relationship. Next up, we see Stormy in a doomed relationship with Mr. Pete. Stormy wants Mr Pete to go down on her, but he's busy playing a video game and suggests she give him head first. Needless to say, after Mr Pete climaxes, he has no further interest in Stormy and goes right back to his game.

The rest of The One shows us more disastrous relationships that Stormy and Voodoo have had with lovers they have used the words "I Love You" with:

It seems Voodoo's girlfriend Cassie Young's trouble was NOT saying "I Love You", since she said it to everyone. We first see her in a full sex scene with the cable repairman, Randy Spears, but then we also see her saying "I Love You" to the pizza guy, the pool boy, and the plumber.

Evan Stone has a great sleaze ball part as a past lover of Stormy's. It seems their relationship broke up when Stormy caught him with Katie Morgan and Brianna Love. Of course, Evan says, "who you going believe, me or your own lying eyes". This scene gave me a laugh out loud moment watching Evan dance!

Nicole Sheridan does a great turn as Voodoo's VERY jealous over-controlling boss who finally fires him and I mean really "fires" him.

Eric Masterson plays the sensitive lover and cries after Stormy tells him she loves him. Eric actually gets the brush off for being too nice of a guy.

After we see all of these failed past relationships, the movie ends on a happy note. Which brings me to another point, a lot of XXX movies don't know how to have an ending and just sort of sputter to a stop. So it's always nice to see a movie that has a plot that starts and finishes, all with logical sense. The only flaw I can see with The One is the title. I think it could have used a title that would better illustrated what it was going to be about - i.e. - Three Little Words, Three Words, Don't Ever Say That or something along that line. Regardless of the title The One still rates a solid A with me.

The One starring Stormy Daniels, Brianna Love, Cassie Young, Delilah Strong, Katie Morgan, Kelly Kline, Nicole Sheridan, Sunny Lane, Eric Masterson, Evan Stone, Mr. Pete, Randy Spears, Voodoo and directed by Jonathan Morgan