THIS ISN'T FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH

This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High starring Tori Black, Bridgette B, Charley Chase, Chastity Lynn, Natasha Nice, Scott Lyons, Seth Gamble, Michael Vegas, Chad Alva and directed by Sammy Slater

The Plot: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High really doesn't have a plot, but simply picks out a few key scenes from the original movie and parodies them. The movie has a running time of 142 minutes and with the four sex scenes in the movie running over 30 minutes each, this leaves only approximately 12 minutes for plot/dialogue.


: This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High is a cheap, hastily put together movie, with skimpy sets and a small cast. However, there were two things which helped pull the movie up from the being the piece of dreck it could have been. The first was all of the performers stayed in character during their sex scenes. I'm sure this had to come from the direction they were given, since this doesn't happen in most XXX features. The second saving grace of This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High was the acting level was, for the most part, top notch. Chad Alva was a natural playing the perpetually stoned Specoli (in this movie his character is named Spermcoli). Also outstanding were Seth Gamble in the Damone part and Natasha Nice playing the Stacy role.

With the super long sex scenes (Thank You FF Button) and the short plot, This Isn't Fast Times At Ridgemont High would have easily rated in the below average column with me, but due to the two factors I discussed above, I'm giving this one a C+

A-TEAM XXX: A PARODY

The A-Team XXX" A Parody starring Bree Olson, Chastity Lynn, Emily Parker, Evan Stone, Jack Vegas, Jessica Jaymes, Jordan Lane, Luscious Lopez, McKenzie Lee, Randy Spears, Rick Garcia, Roy Karch, Scott Lyons, Sophie Dee, Stephanie Cane, Tyler Knight, Wendy Divine, Angela Aspen and directed by David Lord.

The Plot: Bree Olson and her ex-husband both work for the same newspaper. When her husband gets photos of a drug deal involving a biker gang, the police, and a city councilman, he knows he's got a real scoop, but before he can write the "big story" he is kidnapped by the biker gang. Bree hires The A-Team to help get him back safe.

: I'm not sure I would call The A-Team XXX a parody; I personally would classify it as a remake of the original show....with, of course, hard-core sex scenes added. The A-Team XXX had an opening sequence which aped the original TV show and included the introduction of each of the cast members: Randy Spears made a pretty decent Hannibal and would have been even better if he hadn't been given such a bad wig to wear. Evan Stone plays Face and, of course, that gave him plenty of material to work with as "the pretty boy'. Scott Lyon did an outstanding job as the loose screw Murdock. Tyler Knight was born to play his role, he was a dead ringer for Mr. T and delivered his lines in the same gruff manner.

The A-Team XXX is heavy on plot with approximately one-third of the 145 minute running time given over to story with the rest going to the sex scenes. In the second half, the movie went for such a long stretch with only story and action sequences, I thought the sex scenes were over. The plot devices used to move the story along were weak in a couple of spots, but then the original TV show usually had the same type of weak spots in its plot lines.

The sex scenes in The A-Team XXX weren't completely integrated into the storyline, and for the most part used standard porn set-ups to insert them into the plot. At the same time, they weren't so jarringly inserted into the story to make them outside the realm of possibility (that may just be my own addled thinking from watching too much porn).

An interesting underlying theme in The A-Team XXX is how the male characters react to Bree Olson's character. She's told by her boyfriend not to get involved in his "man's work". Her editor asks her "if she's having her period" and tells her "women are too emotional". Even Randy Spears' character tells her "women are hard to deal with". But, Bree's character is the one who learns how to contact The A-Team and hires and pays them. Before the movie is over, Bree also has helped rescue her ex and written "the big story" herself, which causes her ex and her editor to begrudgingly praise her. In a last bit of comeuppance at the end of The A-Team XXX, Bree blackmails Randy Spears into letting her become the newest member of The A-Team. I was surprised to see this theme of misogynists being outdone by the female lead in a porn movie. However, it was only subtly placed in the story leaving a message most may not catch, but which may possibly enter their subconscious.

While The A-Team XXX isn't completely perfect, it is damn good. If you were a fan of the original The A-Team or if you're just a fan of the current wave of porn parodies, I don't think you'll be disappointed in this one and I rate it A-

MILES FROM NEEDLES

Miles From Needles starring Kimberly Kane, Savanna Samson, April Blossom, Maria Bellucci, Evan Stone, James Deen, Steven St. Croix, Brian Surewood and directed by B. Skow

The Plot: Stephen St. Croix finds April Blossom and his wife, Savanna Samson having sex (the first 25+ minute sex scene in Miles From Needles, which is the length of all the sex scenes in the movie). He starts having rough sex with Savanna, and this being porn, April eventually joins the duo. In a panic that St. Croix will kill them, April murders him and the two women go on the run, where their life intersects with the weird.

Things start down the wrong track when they are arrested by Evan Stone and taken to jail. It turns out Evan isn't a real policeman and has taken them to his own private jail. They are handcuffed standing up to a wall where they get to watch Evan and his wife/girlfriend, Kimberly Kane have sex.

Miles To Needles then cuts to the next morning where we get a scene that looks straight out of an early John Waters film. The women are chained to a table and are being served breakfast by Evan and Kimberly in their trailer. Kimberly is dressed, but Evan walks around naked while James Deen, who is referred to by the other two family members as Constance, crouches and hides around the kitchen in his underwear. When Evan and Kimberly leave, the girls convince Deen to let them go and they will hug him as he has requested.....the John Waters influence stops here as James Deen, Savanna, and April all start into the next sex scene. To their surprise, Evan and Kimberly are wise to what was going to happen, as we see them pull back a curtain they have been hiding behind waiting to watch their morning entertainment.

After the sex scene, Deen puts the naked women into a darkened room, where they are later visited by Evan holding a flashlight. When Evan forces one of them to have oral sex the movie loses continuity, since we can see both of Evan's hands but the flashlight is still mysteriously being pointed at the girls. Evans' wife gets wind of what he's doing and calls him out of the room. The girls somehow get dressed in mere seconds (I guess they found their clothes with the flashlight Evan left behind, but my oh my they are fast dressers) and jump out of the room and hit Evan with the flashlight.

The girls run out of the house and are chased by Evan, who gets so tuckered out he has to stop and use his inhaler. The girls hide out in a garage where Brian Surewood and Maria Belucci are having sex. Evan comes to the garage and joins in the action. This sex scene includes Evan holding a camera which is supposed to be showing us the action and the movie loses continuity once again, as the camera and what the viewer sees are never correctly in alignment. After this long sex scene the girls flee again and after a lot of running they wind up in the backyard of the same house they fled from....where???....I won't spoil anymore of the plot, but will mention one other odd bit - someone gets killed near the end of the movie, but magically reappears in the closing scene of Miles From Needles.

: The sex scenes are so long, I've even seen reviewers, who are primarily interested in XXX movies for the sex scenes, mention they're too long in Miles From Needles. The movie did use some standard plot devices to set up the sex scenes, but the main story was outside the usual realm of porn plots, with the "John Waters" scene definitely being quite novel for this genre of movie making. The acting, for the most part, was up to the level of late night cable viewing with no one being weak in their parts. I really couldn't pick the best actor in the movie, but Kimberly and Evan are always top rated adult actors in my book. If the sex scenes hadn't been mind numbingly long and with a little more attention to details, I could have rated Miles From Needles higher, as it stands I going to give it a C+

THIS AIN'T HAWAII FIVE O

This Ain't Hawaii Five O starring Kaiya Lynn, Lana Lopez, Nicole Ray, Priya Rai, Sophia Santi, Victoria White, Jack Lawrence, Jack Vegas, Pike Nelson, Tommy Gunn and directed by Stuart Canterbury.

The Plot: A young woman fought with her fiance and has arrived in Hawaii on what should have been her honeymoon, but is now a solo vacation. When she is found murdered in her hotel room, Hawaii Five-O is eager to solve the case, since this could hurt the tourism industry.

: The last Stuart Canterbury movie I saw was Get Smartass, which was a very badly done parody. This Ain't Hawaii Five O is only marginally better than that movie. Unfortunately, marginally still doesn't make this one very good either. The movie begins with a disclaimer about it being a parody of the original 1960s show, but This Ain't Hawaii Five O blends the old TV show with the current incarnation now showing on CBS.

The story can only be described as skimpy at best and has to try really hard (and fails) to logically insert sex scenes into the plot. At one point a girl on girl jailhouse scene is inserted into the movie and it has nothing to do with the plot. It only exists, apparently, to fulfill the need to have such a scene in the movie.

The bad wig on Jack Vegas, who plays Jack Lord's part from the original series, doesn't help matters. It only makes him appear ludicrous instead of believable in his part. The other main character, Jack Lawrence playing the part of Danno, fairs a little bit better, mainly since he doesn't have to wear a wig and is already blond. The female performers are for the most part forgettable, other than I do remember seeing too many bad "boob jobs" while watching the sex scenes with Nicole Ray being the only exception, too bad her role wasn't more fully developed.

If this is the first parody anyone happened to watch, it would probably turn them off from seeing anymore. Hell, I've seen lots of parodies and when I run across one like This Ain't Hawaii Five O, it almost turns me off from watching anymore....it's that bad. I'm giving this one a D-

NEXT

Next starring Kaylani Lei, Brianna Love, Voodoo, Derrick Pierce, Kissy Kapri, Tommy Gunn, Steven St. Croix, Alex Sanders and directed by Jonathan Morgan.

The Plot: Two girlfriends (Kaylani and Brianna) discuss their current relationships and make them sound a little bit better than they really are. Brianna convinces Kaylani to try speed dating where they meet a roomful of wacky characters.

: If this was a mainstream movie it would be labeled a "chick flick", which would make a lot of guys and some "chicks" avoid such a movie at the local multiplex. In the land of porno, movies don't get labeled like that and Next is just labeled a plot based feature.

Kaylani does a great job in her role, but she is basically playing the part of the "straight man" to Brianna's wackiness. Brianna is so good as the ditsy friend, she really steals the movie from the star, Kaylani. Since Next is a short 89 minute movie, the sex scenes (which are integrated into the film) don't run on to the point of becoming boring and detracting from the flow of he movie. As an added plus to the movie, there are a few XXX directors who make cameos during the speed dating segment. Next was another great movie from Jonathan Morgan, who to the best of my memory, has never disappointed me. I grade this one an A.

SEX PIX

Sex Pix directed by James Avalon and starring Sunny Lane, Alektra Blue, Hillary Scott, Veronica Jett, Kelly Wells, Haley Paige, Mason, Tee Reel, Tyla Wynn, Staci Thorn, Gia, Dominica Leoni, Luccia, Isabella Stanza, Evan Stone, Manuel Ferrara, Erik Everhard, Mr. Marcus, Kurt Lockwood, Brett Rockman with a special appearance by Veronica Hart

The Plot: Sunny Lane wakes up in a motel room with an abusive and bleeding Evan Stone. How did she get here? Her only clues are a group of photos as Sex Pix starts at the end and rewinds into her past.

: First things first - the biggest mystery is why they ripped off the plot from Memento and titled the film Sex Pix....was the title Sexmento already taken...or did the producers of the movie think that porn watchers don't watch "mainstream" movies and would think the backwards plot was unique to Sex Pix...Your guess is as good as mine. Unfortunately, I don't think even a better title would have helped the movie very much.

While the plot started strong and looked like it would be interesting to travel backwards in time and find out why Evan was bleeding and why he was so pissed off, Sex Pix quickly deteriorated into revolving around a a sex club in order to present a bunch of not very well shot sex scenes. During these scenes people would sometimes run in and out looking for Sunny Lane asking everyone if they had seen her, this eventually became unintentionally funny.

Unless you are looking for some long sex scenes (one orgy scene went on for so long I even got bored while fast forwarding through it) with a bare bones ripped off "mainstream" plot and some unintentional humor, best to skip this one. I grade it D

RAWHIDE

Rawhide starring Carmen Luvana, Kaylani Lei, Julian, Olivia Del Rio, Taylor Rain, Velvet Rose, Brooke Balentyne, Jesse V., Natalia Wood, Evan Stone, Randy Spears, Steven St. Croix, Dale DaBone, Cheyne Collins, Joey Ray and directed by Nicholas Steele

The Plot: Carmen Luvana has been living in the city for years, but after her father dies, she inherits his ranch and must make a decision to either sell the ranch or run it herself.

: Rawhide had a logical plot, was shot on location and had great costumes. This should have been one of the best feature XXX movies I had ever seen, instead I found a movie that wound up boring me. I'm going to blame it on bad editing. The almost three hour running time is padded with long scenes of people riding horses, shots of the locales, or even having the camera linger on a fire. The other problem I had with Rawhide was, after sinking so much money in the movie, why didn't they hire a cameraman who could backlight a scene. There were way too many scenes in the movie which were either too dark due to being lit wrong OR maybe not lit at all. While Rawhide was a major disappointment for me, I appreciate the high production values and the effort put into the movie to make it appear almost mainstream (albeit with hardcore sex) and I'm going to give it a B.

CHAUFFEUR'S DAUGHTER

Chauffeur's Daughter starring Lanny Barby, Kelly Wells, Paulina James, Kimberly Franklin, Ava Lauren, Victoria Valentino, Manuel Ferrara, James Deen, Herschel Savage, Kurt Lockwood, Jay Ashley and directed by Paul Thomas.

The Plot: The chauffeur's daughter (Lanny Barby) is madly in love with her father's employer's son Tony (James Deen). The son also loves her, but they are from two different worlds and his mother doesn't approve. Lanny is going to finishing school in Paris and Tony is being encourage to marry a socialite. Can their love survive long distance? Will Tony cave to his mother's demands? Tune in tomorrow to find out on As The World Turns....OOPS! I meant Chauffeur's Daughter!

: I keep thinking one day I'll see a movie by Paul Thomas that will make me realize he really is the genius that he thinks he is....but Chauffeur's Daughter is not that film. And I'm saying that with fondness, because I think P.T. really tries to add something to the world of feature XXX movies. Besides the soap opera-ish plot as described above (which I guess could be considered a novel idea), the movie is really just your "run of the mill" XXX movie with sex scenes broken up occasionally by plot exposition. At times the plot appears rushed (or badly edited) to get to the sex scene leaving the viewer to wonder why the sex scene is taking place other than the fact they're watching a XXX movie. Plus the movie is filled with bad boob jobs and while that may not be a turn-off for everyone, it certainly detracts from my enjoyment of any XXX movie. I rate this one a solid D

TAXI - A HARDCORE PARODY

Taxi - A Hardcore Parody starring Eva Angelina, Anthony Rosano, Jenny Hendrix, Kirsten Price, Krissy Lynn, Monique Alexander, Evan Stone, Ron Jeremy and directed by Anton Slayer

The Plot: Almost non-existent, the closest thing to a plot is Alex's ex-wife is coming to see him. The movie primarily relies on the audience being familiar with the characters from the original TV show.

: While I have definitely seen worse parodies, Taxi was still far from the best. I didn't expect much, since this was from Anton Slayer (Gilligan's Island, Dukes of Hazzard) and I didn't get much, so I can't say I was very disappointed. Putting some bad wigs on a couple of actors and writing a script with a few funny lines, then wrapping a very slight plot around some long drawn out sex scenes doesn't even get your movie up to the average standard set by today's modern XXX parodies.

There are two saving graces to Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, one is Anthony Rosano as Tony Banta. He actually "gets" his character and impressed me with his acting ability. I think every feature XXX movie I have seen Anthony in has led me to believe he's one of the few adult actors who could easily cross over to mainstream films.

The other highlight of Taxi - A Hardcore Parody, much to my chagrin (since this blog is concerned with plots), is the sex scene between Rosano and Monique Alexander. Not only did this scene retain my interest throughout its 18+ minutes, but Monique had one of the best porno lines I've heard in a long time (although, I'm pretty sure it wasn't scripted) when, about three-quarters of the way into the scene, she states " Have Your Way With Me, I'm Cock Drunk".

Considering all of the above - one good actor, one good sex performance, a few laughs, and adding a point for Kirsten Price being a pretty good ringer for Elaine, I going to give Taxi - A Hardcore Parody a C-